TW -possible sa mentioned.
Okay so I’m realizing sometimes my ex would turn down sex I would guilt trip him. I didnt realize at the time I think, or at least the full weight of it.
For example, he would turn down sex and I would act a little frustrated and make him feel bad and I feel really shitty about it and idk why I did it. I think I felt I was constantly doing like sexual stuff for him whenever he wanted to even when I wasn’t in the mood (but I wouldn’t really express it bc I was scared of losing him) so when he didn’t want to do it with me I would be frustrated and give him a little silent treatment for like a few minutes and I feel really bad about that. I don’t think the pressure ever made him cave to sex, and it wasn’t constant, but a few times. I didn’t realize I was doing it. I feel scared there is a time I can’t remember where this behavior made him cave.
The only time I can remember really acting on this behavior is this event – I feel really bad bc one time he wasn’t in the mood. so I like secretly got off next to him but at the same time I was kinda trying to make it noticeable so that he’d feel bad. I masterbated for like 30 min silently next to him. I didn’t touch him or anything, and I don’t think he noticed.
Is this SA? Am I an abuser because of this? My therapist says it wasn’t SA, but obviously not to repeat this behavior, which i would never repeat behavior like this again.
But I feel awful and like I’m a bad person forever now. I can’t tell if my OCD is amplifying the situation, but I know the behavior was NOT okay either way.
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While he was awake?
That’s pretty creepy.
Especially when you were passive aggressively doing it for attention bc you were disappointed after being turned down. I don’t know if that legally meets the definition of sexual assault, but it definitely is inappropriate regardless.
He didn’t file any charges against you and he is your ex and the only thing more damaging than what you did is beating yourself up over it.
You Would likely benefit from therapy to understand why you were acting that way.
I don’t think you’re a predator. The fact you feel this way now indicates you’re concious of your actions and don’t plan to do anything like this going forward.
I think you should reach out to this ex, apologize, and get his takes on things. Getting his point of view should help you get closure on this matter.
You sound like you were young when this happened. While not an excuse, tons of young people do things in relationships that are problematic but don’t realize it at the time. You learn from and grow from these things.
Every gf I had around highschool age ended up cheating on me. While this was undeniably shitty of them, in hindsight I just chalk it all up to immaturity and not understanding their actions at that age. Most of them have now gone on to get married, which indicates they likely learned from those mistakes.
No. This is not sexual abuse. Not even a little.
While rape and sexual abuse can occur in ongoing sexual relationships, what consent looks like is much more subtle than with a person you do not have an ongoing relationship with. “No,” and “no please don’t touch me” are always clear, but it is not always clear when an action crosses a line. Ultimately, it really turns a lot on what they think. You could have consent for some forms of touching and not others. Communication becomes really important. Typically, in relationships, sexual touching, even at times when it is not wanted, is not usually considered bad behavior unless it has been expressly forbidden – but your mileage may vary so it’s important to use your words and set boundaries in advance.
Pressuring people to engage in sexual acts they are not inclined to do inside of the context of an ongoing sexual relationship is almost never sexual assault. It may be considered annoying if you come across as not being receptive to your partner’s needs or moods. You seem to be conflating assault with badgering. They are not the same thing at all.
However, it sounds like mostly what you are describing is that you were in a relationship with wildly different sex drives, or you were in a relationship with a person who was not attracted to you (I am guessing most likely it’s the former.) They made you feel unwanted, and you internalized that in a negative way.
Find somebody with a more compatible sex drive, and forgive yourself – it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong.