I (36 male) am just curious so need some advice. Whenever I break up with a girl I delete them off all socials, block their number and basically cut all contact with them for a minimum of 6 months. I met this girl and she’s great and very nice, good energy and shows interest, but I found out she is great friends with all of her exes. She goes on trips with them, they still come over to watch movies at her house or help out with yard work. She will hang out and smoke or just chill alone with them. She says she doesn’t have feelings anymore but the longest she’s gone post break-up no contact with one is 3 days. I feel like you can’t truly get over someone and no longer have feelings in the short amount of time.
So AITAH for thinking this way? I just need some general life advice.
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Backup of the post’s body: I (36 male) am just curious so need some advice. Whenever I break up with a girl I delete them off all socials, block their number and basically cut all contact with them for a minimum of 6 months. I met this girl and she’s great and very nice, good energy and shows interest, but I found out she is great friends with all of her exes. She goes on trips with them, they still come over to watch movies at her house or help out with yard work. She will hang out and smoke or just chill alone with them. She says she doesn’t have feelings anymore but the longest she’s gone post break-up no contact with one is 3 days. I feel like you can’t truly get over someone and no longer have feelings in the short amount of time.
So AITAH for thinking this way? I just need some general life advice.
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hell nah
hell nah
hell nah
I wouldn’t want to date someone who spends that much time with even one ex, not to mention multiple exes. And the things you described sounds like things you’d do with someone you’re in a romantic relationship with, and it sounds like she’s polyamorous on some level and you’re not really in a monogamous relationship here. If you want a monogamous relationship, this is not the one.
Never kept contact with any ex after breakup (prior to marriage). It was easier because it was before social media
You aren’t the ah
No way, those aren’t exs
O my no thanks, I’d steer away. You’re not the ah
NTA Someone who keeps in contact with exes.Especially recent exes is a bad idea and a red flag.For any relationship you’re doing good things.
Stay away from all of them, buddy
Red flag man. Move on. Shes hanging out with all of her exes? There’s something going on there
Everyone is different and I don’t think either one of you is in the wrong, though I couldn’t date someone who was that close with a bunch of exes. Remain on friendly terms and be ok with hanging out in a group/wishing happy birthday etc I’d be fine with but not close friends.
NTA. There might be a happy medium between your two positions, but if I had to choose one I would go with yours.
talking to exes as a single person? sure, no problem. my partners have tended to not want me to be friendly with my exes while in the relationship and i can’t say that i disagree with that boundary
Define “all of them”—like 3 or 30? Lol. Honestly, it just sounds like she’s a mature adult who can hold emotional boundaries, which is impressive.
I had lunch this afternoon with my ex and got to hear all about his new boyfriend. He’s still one of my closest friends. We just didn’t work as a couple. When I’m done romantically, I’m done. That’s it. Why not try to maintain a relationship with someone you shared a life with? And in my case, is the most loyal.
The fact that you’re 36 and still doing all this extra mental and physical gymnastics to “cut someone off” seems a little immature and borderline selfish. But hey, if that works for you, I’m happy for you. Know that your current gf is calling it out because she sees how you’ll treat her.
A clean break is the best way.
NTA. They would still sleep with her in a heartbeat
Hahahahahah oh brother, shes for the streets
NTA. I don’t think ex-friendship is impossible, but that sounds super unhealthy to me. I’ve been able to hang onto a couple friendships after the fact, but most fall by the wayside.
A MAX of 3 days not talking is WILD imo
No one is wrong, probably just incompatible long term
I mean everyone’s different I guess?
To me (34M) it’s quite extreme to just cut off all contact to them. What if they need something from you? If you’ve been dating for a while you might still have each other’s stuff or have shared accounts.
I am friendly with my exes though I definitely don’t see them regularly but I have seen others who were part of the same friend group and they’ll still see each other all the time instead of splitting up the friend group.
Frankly that shows some level of maturity imo. Just cause you break up doesn’t mean you hate each other. Obviously it depends on the circumstances though.
That being said I don’t think you’re “wrong” for doing what you do. Everyone has their own way and that’s okay. Just keep an open mind imo
Oh sure they’re doing her yard out of the goodness of their heart…
NOPE!
I’m still friends with one of my exes, but it’s very low-key, mostly FB and Instagram comments.
But I’m terrified of that one guy, and disgusted by that other guy.
So I suppose it’s possible, but this girl seems polyamorous. Don’t go in expecting a totally monogamous relationship, I suppose.
I get you. Saying that my wives bff is a guy she dated twice, personally no issue
Bwhahahaha… no thanks.
I think different people can move on at different speeds, and it also depends on (1) how long the relationship was and (2) who broke up with who?
I do think your “I go totally no contact and delete them on everything” approach is pretty extreme—I’ve only seen that approach used for particularly toxic relationships, not as a matter of course. But if it works for you, it works for you!
The bigger problem: if you don’t trust your girlfriend, you should probably break up with her. I mean—if you think she’s lying to you about her feelings for … not just one, but multiple exes … then you definitely shouldn’t be with her.
NTA unless you impose your way of doing things onto her. Different people are different. What works for you works for you, what works for her works for her. There’s no one right way to do things. So respect her doing things her way and don’t let anyone tell you you should do things differently yourself.
NTA – I’d dip if you haven’t already, that shit is weird
Nope. Spending so much time with so many guys, let alone her exes, is a problem.
Even if, as she says, she feels nothing for them, it would be too much for a new partner to accept. Plus, who’s to say, the exes have no feelings.
Careful she doesn’t report you to the DOJ; 86ing apparently now means murdering to some people. Not saying who.
NTA. 86 is best.
NTA. Why does anyone need to remain friends with an ex (under general/no special circumstances)? It benefits no one. It’s not about “getting over” the person or not, more the fact if you were romantically together- the point was to never “just be friends”. I find it odd and do not relate to the desire to keep that around.
You’re both wrong and both right. It depends on what makes you both comfortable. Honestly, both are red flaggy to me
That would not work for me. If they are an ex, you don’t hang with them all the time.BTW, how would she feel about you hanging out with your ex’s?
You arent the ah but that being said she’s not exactly in the wrong either and it really depends on personal maturity she could be keeping them around for a rebound which it seems like you are worried about or she genuinely just feels that the exes arent the right one you dont really know unless you ask or watch behavior as for you there isnt anything wrong with distancing yourself from a bad relationship through blocking the other person I’ve done it plenty of times but I also am still great friends with some of my exes because they are great people I just didnt see a long term end of the day it comes down your personal comfort
different people are different. and either you trust your partner or you dont.
Stay away. All those ex’es are looking for a chance to hook up again. She is playing them along because she likes the attention and being pursued.
She probably keeps at least some of them as fuck buddies. Red flag IMO
Biggest red flag 🚩 waving in the world right there…
I think y’all are both extreme.
Sounds like a swinger to me
Dude… coming from a woman, hell no lol. I 86 all mine too though so 🤷♀️ but I couldn’t imagine seeing my exes and spending time with them..I doubt that it’s entirely platonic. There’s a reason, I’m just not sure what hers is.
Run bro
Giant red flag and she handed it to you on a silver platter! Don’t ignore it.
I think both of you are extreme. No reason to completely block someone just because you decided it wasn’t working anymore, but also she seems way too close to multiple exes than a lot of people would be comfortable with.
not about right or wrong OP.
It’s about compatibility.
It’s wrong for you but right for her.
You want her to be like you and she wants you to be like her.
None of us align on everything across the board.
This is either a dealbreaker for you or it isn’t.
Choose.
Many will agree with you but that doesn’t matter. This is about you and that girl, not what 50 or 100 of us on here would do.
Nope nope nope, asking for trouble here.
It’s a trap! She wants to to become friends with one of your exes so she can tell you she knew you still loved her 😂😂
Would she prefer you 69 them?
i don’t think either of you are wrong, but this might be incompatible
NTA, she is definitely doing stuff behind the scenes with all of them as she is proudly adoring them in her adventures. You can definitely find someone way better with a moral compass and self-control.
Why do you erase your shared experiences with people you cared about and even loved? Surely y’all had good memories. It’s still documents of your journey. I delete intimate photos of me and exs but not lifetime adventures and memories. When things don’t work out you just flip a switch from sharing life to dead-to-me status? Seems cold. I get taking healthy space and setting boundaries after a break up. I understand there are people we have to remove from our lives; but ALL? Did you not value those connections or were they simply utilitarian? To erase and ghost them all is a red flag for me. It tells me that you may be the issue. When a person tells me all their exs are crazy, it raises an eyebrow. Do you erase past gf to eliminate temptation? Genuinely curious.
NTA but you have your way of dealing with break ups, she has hers. Neither is wrong but it shows a very different approach.
Nope. I could see myself saying I’m okay with it at first but it would eat away at me over time.
It doesn’t seem strange for a person to have remained friendly with exes they no longer had any level of attraction to, or interest in, and so ended things amicably because of that. Chatting with them about something / someone in common, having a normal conversation with them when running into each other in public, would be fine but planning to hang out with them voluntarily is unusual and at minimum bad optics. Never do anything in a relationship that could make your partner feel insecure about your priorities or your integrity.
Yikes @ the constant ex contact.
Dude, no.
I dated someone briefly who was still friendly with all of her exes, fwb’s included. That got old quick.
You have the right to your feelings towards your gf having exes in her life. By association, you will, from time to time, encounter men who have seen her naked, who have been inside her, who may have done sexual things with her that you haven’t done or haven’t been allowed to do. Who will be eyeing you, knowing that you are only going somewhere they have already been. Who may be looking for an opportunity to do so again.
It’s up to you to either feel comfortable with these encounters or to see them as a red flag, and her ability to respect your feelings in this matter becomes a measure of her as a girlfriend.
Broke up with my ex over 10 years ago… We hung out 2 days later. We have been better friends than we ever were dating. We even rece3seen Metallica together and my now bf of over 3 years was 100% fine with it. Now I don’t go hanging out with my ex often at all. Metallica was probably our first time hanging out lie that in years. But yes I do believe you can get over someone that quickly. Especially if you 2 communicated what was not compatible within the relationship. I’m not saying you are wrong neither. Everyone heals in their own way on their own time. Neither of you are wrong though. She’s just wrong for telling you that your wrong. Just agree to disagree and be adults.
Please tell me this is a dry run for a sitcom. Time to get the monthly STD test.
No way in my opinion and ex is an ex and they belong in the past not the present or the future
Definitely odd to be close to multiple past boyfriends? You’re 100% reasonable in your thought process.
You’re NTA, just built different. She compartmentalizes. You don’t.
NAH. You can cut contact with your ex’s for as long as you want. And she can befriend them in an instant.
Nope, as a woman I don’t do the whole “friends with exes” thing. The ONLY time that is appropriate to me is if kids are involved. I can’t think of any reason why you’d spend one-on-one time with an ex when you have a boyfriend…that time spent with the ex could be used on the boyfriend…To spend money on an ex to take fun trips?! and you’re in a relationship?? Just be single wtf.
I have a couple exes I’m friendly with but wouldn’t hang out one on one and only occasionally chat. Except one, but he’s also my mechanic and we had been friends for over a decade, then dated for 6 months, and it’s been almost another decade since then. That one has picked me up when my car broke down a couple times and we usually would grab a beer, my treat, for him helping me out.
I unno man, it’s up to the person. I don’t really think either of you are wrong necessarily. I have a friend that considers it a really big red flag if the guy doesn’t have a single amicable relationship with any exes, and I can see her point. But I also can see why someone having a close “we hang out regularly” relationship with exes to be off putting. Honestly I think you’re overthinking it, but it could just be a difference between you that doesn’t get a compromise 🤷♀️
🚩 🚩 🚩
Nope, I do the same. I have no desire for platonic female friendship
Yeah, no. She’s being inappropriate imo. I do not stay friends with exes, except for one because we still have a lot of the same friends and live in the same neighborhood but we have been broken up for 26 years, and never hang one on one. I just see him drinking at the local.
I’m friends with my exes too…but I don’t excessively hang out alone with them or have them doing yard work. More like I invite them to social gatherings where multiple people will be there. We had pretty amicable breakups. Maybe you can compromise, if not, its probably just an incompatibility. NAH
extremely weird behavior
Nope, I’d be out of there so fast!
NTA she is not only a red flag for your relationship, but she has also caused a tremendous amount of pain and confusion to many of those exes
Nah F that.
Run as fast as you can
Fell in love with a girl like this. We had a deeply romantic relationship. Everyone thought we were the best couple they knew, till suddenly she just didn’t feel that way anymore. Everyone was shocked. I would not recommend it.
I think what she’s doing is healthy. What everyone else is doing is completely toxic bs. To break up with someone and remain friends is the way it should be. It’s called a healthy breakup.
She’s for the streets
NTA. She likes to keep them around for attention. Fuck that. I’m never friends with exes. Why waste that time when they already had their chance? Dump her ass.
She is not the right one for you OP as you both have completely different world views.
And that’s ok and it doesn’t make you the AH. You just think differently about the same thing and are different people.
Think of her in terms of “she is a really great person and ticks most of my boxes but….”
They are the ex. There is no reason or obligation to keep open lines of communication.
Both of y’all’s viewpoints seem really unhealthy tbh
That’s weird, she’s definitely getting piped by them when they are alone, are you that godamn stupid man?