After 10 years, I finally see it clearly: my partner is an avoidant, and I’m exhausted. Please help!

TL;DR:
Been with my partner for 10 years — deep love, but constant emotional push-pull. Just realized he likely has avoidant attachment. Every time I tried to deepen the relationship, he’d shut down or break up with me. After therapy, things got better, but now during long-distance he left again after I brought up planning a future. He says he loves me, feels ashamed, wants to return to therapy, but insists this is “for my own good.” Can’t meet before August due to visa issues. He doesn’t believe in marriage. I’m torn between walking away and not abandoning someone I finally understand.

Hi everyone!
This is my first time posting here, and I’m writing this with a heavy heart but also a strange sense of clarity. I (F, 33) have been with my partner (M, 35) for 10 years. It’s been a beautiful, deep, complex love, but also an extremely turbulent one. And only now I’m starting to really see it for what it is: I believe he has avoidant attachment, and I’m trying to make sense of my life and next steps.

We met in NYC and I fell in love instantly. Pushed for a relationship. 6 months after we started dating, he moved to France. We did long distance for a year. It was hard but somehow we made it work. Then we reunited and built a life in NYC together for 9 years. We shared everything: dreams, careers, apartments, fears. At least I thought we did.

But our relationship has always had a pattern:
Every time I tried to bring up deeper needs (emotional safety, future plans, real partnership), he’d shut down or break up with me abruptly.
We had countless breakups that lasted hours or a day — never longer. He’d run, disappear, panic… and then somehow things would slide back into place. It happened every 2–3 months. For six years. I was so confused, hurt, and walking on eggshells most of the time. But I loved him so much. I still do.

Three and a half years ago, after yet another breakup, I gave an ultimatum: therapy or we’re done. He agreed.
We spent a year in couples therapy. He went to individual therapy too. And it helped! We got closer. Things finally stabilized. I thought we were growing. Healing. Safe.

Last year we took a 6-month break from our intense NYC work lives and went back to Italy. It was the first time we experienced a real “no-routine” life together. And honestly? I struggled. I lost some of my best self. I was impatient, sometimes rude, often frustrated. I own that.

Still, we decided, maybe too fast,that we could survive another round of long-distance when I had to return to the US.(he moved to Dubai)

Well… a few weeks ago, he broke up with me again.
He said, “I love you, but I can’t give you what you need.”
Why? Because I had dared to say, again, “Let’s plan a solid future together. When is our turn for wedding and kids?”

We still speak every day. Every. Single. Day. I hate it. I hate him. But I also love him. And now — finally — I think I understand.

He’s avoidant.
His family is emotionally cold, unstable, and invalidating. People in his hometown have opened up to me recently, and what I’ve learned about his upbringing broke my heart.
He never told me the full truth about them. But now it makes sense. All of it. The running, the shutdowns, the fear of commitment disguised as emotional absence.

And here’s the hardest part: I’m finally realizing it’s not about me.
It never was. But I spent 10 years thinking I wasn’t enough, or too much, or both. And now I feel so tired. I want to move on. But I also don’t want to leave him completely alone in the darkness. I’m still that person who loves him, and I hate that I can’t hate him enough to walk away.

We’re supposed to meet again in August.
But I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what would be fair. This is nothing like I imagined it.

Has anyone been through something like this?
What should I do? How? I feel really, really lost right now.

Some important context:

1. He repeatedly tells me he feels ashamed for how he treated me, but it often sounds like he’s emotionally detaching from true accountability
2. He constantly says he loves being with me, that he loves me, and that no one has ever loved him the way I do
3. He told me he wants to go back to couples therapy and meet with a therapist together again.
4. He keeps insisting that this breakup is “for my own good,” as if what he’s doing is some kind of act of love or protection, which honestly just hurts more.
5. We can’t meet before August due to visa restrictions (I’m also in the process of finalizing my U.S. citizenship).
6. He doesn’t believe in marriage. Something he’s been clear about, which has always been a major emotional block between us.