So I (29F) married with a toddler has been friends with Sam (29M) since high school
For context: It’s a small circle of friends. All boys except for me. We travel a lot. We have never been physical or had feelings for each other it’s just Platonic friendship. When they got together with their partners we have travelled only with their significant others. And I have been friends with their partners and vice versa. I meet up with the girls without the boys too. Sam and his wife Roma (29F) have been together since then. So She became part of the same crowd as well.
I got married first. And my husband and I have a great marriage. We are happy. The following year others got married too.
So the drama unfolded last year.
My husband is away for work purposes.
Sam and Roma have been married for almost 5 years now . Their relationship has ALWAYS been shitty. Don’t get me wrong she is a good friend. But their relationship was a mess. She has anger issues and Sam always ignore her tantrums.
You must think how I know this. They fight In front of the whole crowd for silliest and stupidest things. ARGUE. SHOUTING and what not.
My friends and I never poked our nose into their relationship, cause I have a belief that if my opinion is not asked that means it isn’t required in the first place.
One day they got into a huge fight, over Sam wanting to meet our mutual other friend (29M) for a game night. Roma got so mad over this and told Sam to move out from the house. (This isn’t the first she told him to leave)
Sam thought she’d come around when her tantrums were over. But everyday ends, her belittling him and shouting. And on the 3rd or 4th day he got a msg from Roma saying that she doesn’t even want to see his face and a bunch of other crappy things and had packed his stuffs when he went to home after work.
He got so heartbroken and maybe it was his last straw to work things out.
On the next day I got a call from Sam upset and told me all these things. And ask for my help since he doesn’t have a place to stay.
I had a spare room. I told my husband and we offered the spare room for rent.
He works in shift and I do too. So we rarely see each other although we share a roof.
I told Sam to tell Roma that he lives at my place but he was like only of she asked.
He was clearly over with her and didn’t want to get back. Cause after separating he tried multiple times to sit nicely and talk which ended up is more SHOUTINGS AND ARGUMENTS. He was kinda fed up by then.
After 7 or 8 months. He filed for divorce. And Roma found out that he was living here.
She texted saying thank you for helping him and that she’s glad I was there for him.
But after 2 or 3 days I got multiple texts blaming me for not telling her and also implying that we are having an affair. I told her very nicely that she could have just asked me or talked about them having problems, I would have known. And would not hide that fact. But She’s saying that I ruined their marriage by not telling her that he is living at my place.
AITAH?
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So I (29F) married with a toddler has been friends with Sam (29M) since high school
For context: It’s a small circle of friends. All boys except for me. We travel a lot. We have never been physical or had feelings for each other it’s just Platonic friendship. When they got together with their partners we have travelled only with their significant others. And I have been friends with their partners and vice versa. I meet up with the girls without the boys too. Sam and his wife Roma (29F) have been together since then. So She became part of the same crowd as well.
I got married first. And my husband and I have a great marriage. We are happy. The following year others got married too.
So the drama unfolded last year.
My husband is away for work purposes.
Sam and Roma have been married for almost 5 years now . Their relationship has ALWAYS been shitty. Don’t get me wrong she is a good friend. But their relationship was a mess. She has anger issues and Sam always ignore her tantrums.
You must think how I know this. They fight In front of the whole crowd for silliest and stupidest things. ARGUE. SHOUTING and what not.
My friends and I never poked our nose into their relationship, cause I have a belief that if my opinion is not asked that means it isn’t required in the first place.
One day they got into a huge fight, over Sam wanting to meet our mutual other friend (29M) for a game night. Roma got so mad over this and told Sam to move out from the house. (This isn’t the first she told him to leave)
Sam thought she’d come around when her tantrums were over. But everyday ends, her belittling him and shouting. And on the 3rd or 4th day he got a msg from Roma saying that she doesn’t even want to see his face and a bunch of other crappy things and had packed his stuffs when he went to home after work.
He got so heartbroken and maybe it was his last straw to work things out.
On the next day I got a call from Sam upset and told me all these things. And ask for my help since he doesn’t have a place to stay.
I had a spare room. I told my husband and we offered the spare room for rent.
He works in shift and I do too. So we rarely see each other although we share a roof.
I told Sam to tell Roma that he lives at my place but he was like only of she asked.
He was clearly over with her and didn’t want to get back. Cause after separating he tried multiple times to sit nicely and talk which ended up is more SHOUTINGS AND ARGUMENTS. He was kinda fed up by then.
After 7 or 8 months. He filed for divorce. And Roma found out that he was living here.
She texted saying thank you for helping him and that she’s glad I was there for him.
But after 2 or 3 days I got multiple texts blaming me for not telling her and also implying that we are having an affair. I told her very nicely that she could have just asked me or talked about them having problems, I would have known. And would not hide that fact. But She’s saying that I ruined their marriage by not telling her that he is living at my place.
AITAH?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Cause I didn’t infact tell her he was living at my place.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
He was your friend first. NTA
NTA
Sounds like Roma’s never in the wrong, huh?
Roma is abusive. She chased her husband out of their house and then blamed you for it somehow.
NTA.
NTA, she’s looking to blame anyone and anything but herself for the consequences of her actions, so don’t take anything to heart. She’s lashing out, like she apparently does with everything, so mute her texts.
Or block her, why keep a friend with anger management issues and zero accountability?
NTA.
I can understand that she didn’t call you to talk about their relationship troubles, simply because she might have another friend that’s closer to her and that she’s more used to discussing these things with, but it’s weird to me that she never asked him where he was staying after she kicked him out.
In the end, you and Sam were friends first. You and your partner helped him out by renting a room to him. Why would you feel the need to contact Sam’s wife and tell her he’s at your place? They were still talking. You had no reason to assume she didn’t know.
I think Roma is just looking for any random thing she can blame the divorce on so she doesn’t have to face the reality that it was her own behaviour that caused it.
ESH. Obviously that’s shitty what Roma did but the whole “only girl in the male friend group teehee” thing makes me think you’re probably not telling us a lot of stuff.
NTA. How did you ruin their marriage when she is the one who kicked him out and told him not to come back? FFS, Roma.
NTA he told you not to volunteer but you could tell her if she asked. Protecting both of you from her drama. Encourage her to get therapy to deal with her stuff
NTA
Just curious.Did other people in the friend group know he was living at your place?
It does not matter.I’m just wondering why she was only mad at you??
NTA. Roma is clearly in the wrong and dealing with her own issues (she seems like a textbook case of BPD) and has no right to dump those issues onto you. Her first text to you was the correct one: you were there for him and helped him. You handled this well with open communication and honest, good intentions. Roma’s outbursts don’t change that.
NTA but stop being friends with bad people. She’s nice to you cause she likes you but she’s an abuser, cut her off.
Probably not but this feels very one sided.
If you’re not the ass, you are putting yourself in the middle of a situation that can very quickly get out of hand.
If you intend to continue allowing Sam to stay especially if your husband is away you need to open up. Invite friends in host a dinner. Don’t sequester yourself.
If it were me, I’d personally escort him home to Roma myself with all his bags and tell them to sort themselves out because this is not your problem.
Then find a new tenant.
NTA. She’s clearly verbally abusive, best to cut her off.
NTA you are friends with him first and foremost. She was an accessory and is now out of the picture.. so don’t even listen to her crazy ass.
Break your rule and tell Sam to leave her. Sam either has no spine or he believes she’ll change. Roma is awful. NTA.
INFO: Did Roma seriously go 8 months without asking where he was staying? Seems weird!
Edit: NTA! Roma is nuts
The only way you “ruined their marriage” was by giving him somewhere to live and somebody to talk to, meaning he wasn’t willing to go back to her abuse. She’s lost her punching bag and no longer has the upper hand, that’s what she’s pissed at.
NTA. You’re a great friend.
NTA…They were separated for eight months? And she had no idea where he was? Why does she even care? She is looking g for someone else to blame other than herself, because Sam has finally seen the light and fined for divorce. It was not up to you to disclose who lives in your home. Next time she pulls the blame crap, tell her that Sam living in your and your husbands home had nothing to do with the end of her marriage and maybe she take a look in her mirror.
NTA. You’ve clearly made a practice of staying out of their own relationship issues and it’s not Roma’s business who is staying in your house. It’s not your job to report to her where her husband is when they’re having marital problems. Husband is safe and not hurting anyone, so communication between the two of them is on him, not you. I’d block her and move on.
NTA. She’s a pro at the blame game. Everyone else is always to blame. Every single time.
NTA, you didn’t talk him into leaving, she kicked him out. It’s his business to tell her where he’s living or decide not to.
NTA
Roma has regrets and is looking for a person to blame instead of accepting responsibility for her actions.