Hi THT I’m a long time listener. My (22F) mom (52F) and I have always had a rocky relationship. My parents raised my siblings and I strict, with these rules in place past the age of 18. I kept vocalizing how I didn’t agree would get scolded. Eventually I was able to use my college’s resources to move out (I was forced to commute), since my parents were threatening to pull my financial aid if I didn’t follow their rules. My school would’ve granted me independence as I qualified due to extensive emotional abuse. My family and I made up, as I loved and still love my parents.
The most recent issue has been my car. My parents offered for me to fix up one of their older cars (they got another one) for 2500 and then I would get the title and pay for the insurance. I never got the title after I fixed the car, it was “going to be too expensive for me.” It’s barely been 6 months and it’s having some issues. My parents are pushing me to get a new car since I have enough savings for a good down payment. However I plan on moving out as soon as possible closer to my job (it’s a minimum 3 hour commute each day 3 days a week). I’m trying to save up money and frankly there’s good enough public transport, I just need this car while I’m home.
Check engine light came on a couple nights ago while I was out and about, so when I came home I told my parents about it. My mom starts telling me again I need a new car, I question why I can’t just keep fixing it and I can’t get a new car right now. I suggest if the car is broken I would need a ride to the bus until I got a new car (it is early in the morning) then she starts yelling at me. Keep in mind she drives my siblings around (21 and 23). I get fed up so I walk away. My mom was still talking/yelling about it, so I tried to tell her I’ll talk in the morning. She called me selfish and rude for saying I may need a ride to the bus if the car is fully broken. Then I start to argue and my mom says “we won’t look at the car until you listen to us about getting a new car now.” I start screaming at the top of my lungs, I don’t even remember what I said but I say at the end I can’t wait to move out because I can’t stand her. The next day I talked with my dad (58M her mediator) about how if there is no real change or apologies I simply won’t talk or interact past what’s necessary, so that I can move on with my life peacefully.
That was a couple nights ago and she’s been avoiding me. Today when I came home from work, my mom just left the house. I was confused, maybe it was errands, so I went to look. She looked me dead in the eyes, shook her head and drove away. I got very upset and drove off for the evening. My dad had told her she needed to think long and hard of a good response/apology in order to not further damage our relationship, and that she needed to not talk to me for the week. Meanwhile no one told me this, my dad and I talked about figuring things out for the car and a little talk about the family stuff on the same day.
I came home again tonight and my whole family is gone. I’m not asking to act normal but leaving when I get home hurts a lot. I don’t know if I should even try anymore. How do I proceed?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hi THT I’m a long time listener. My (22F) mom (52F) and I have always had a rocky relationship. My parents raised my siblings and I strict, with these rules in place past the age of 18. I kept vocalizing how I didn’t agree would get scolded. Eventually I was able to use my college’s resources to move out (I was forced to commute), since my parents were threatening to pull my financial aid if I didn’t follow their rules. My school would’ve granted me independence as I qualified due to extensive emotional abuse. My family and I made up, as I loved and still love my parents.
The most recent issue has been my car. My parents offered for me to fix up one of their older cars (they got another one) for 2500 and then I would get the title and pay for the insurance. I never got the title after I fixed the car, it was “going to be too expensive for me.” It’s barely been 6 months and it’s having some issues. My parents are pushing me to get a new car since I have enough savings for a good down payment. However I plan on moving out as soon as possible closer to my job (it’s a minimum 3 hour commute each day 3 days a week). I’m trying to save up money and frankly there’s good enough public transport, I just need this car while I’m home.
Check engine light came on a couple nights ago while I was out and about, so when I came home I told my parents about it. My mom starts telling me again I need a new car, I question why I can’t just keep fixing it and I can’t get a new car right now. I suggest if the car is broken I would need a ride to the bus until I got a new car (it is early in the morning) then she starts yelling at me. Keep in mind she drives my siblings around (21 and 23). I get fed up so I walk away. My mom was still talking/yelling about it, so I tried to tell her I’ll talk in the morning. She called me selfish and rude for saying I may need a ride to the bus if the car is fully broken. Then I start to argue and my mom says “we won’t look at the car until you listen to us about getting a new car now.” I start screaming at the top of my lungs, I don’t even remember what I said but I say at the end I can’t wait to move out because I can’t stand her. The next day I talked with my dad (58M her mediator) about how if there is no real change or apologies I simply won’t talk or interact past what’s necessary, so that I can move on with my life peacefully.
That was a couple nights ago and she’s been avoiding me. Today when I came home from work, my mom just left the house. I was confused, maybe it was errands, so I went to look. She looked me dead in the eyes, shook her head and drove away. I got very upset and drove off for the evening. My dad had told her she needed to think long and hard of a good response/apology in order to not further damage our relationship, and that she needed to not talk to me for the week. Meanwhile no one told me this, my dad and I talked about figuring things out for the car and a little talk about the family stuff on the same day.
I came home again tonight and my whole family is gone. I’m not asking to act normal but leaving when I get home hurts a lot. I don’t know if I should even try anymore. How do I proceed?
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The ‘we’ll help you only if you obey’ mindset is not love… it’s control dressed up like concern.