As the title states, men who are fathers or dads, what is there to expect? And what tips or recommendations do you have to someone who is expecting to be a father this year? As in what should I plan for or what ways can I help secure my partner and child’s future. At the moment I’m going through a range of emotions from excitement to absolutely terrified at the same time.
Men who became Dads, what is it like and what would you recommend to someone is going to be a father soon?
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As the title states, men who are fathers or dads, what is there to expect? And what tips or recommendations do you have to someone who is expecting to be a father this year? As in what should I plan for or what ways can I help secure my partner and child’s future. At the moment I’m going through a range of emotions from excitement to absolutely terrified at the same time.
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Sleep now. It’s the last time you ever will.
Also, for every argument with your partner/wife, from now until the child is 5, you are wrong. Put your ego aside. The only appropriate answer is “Yes dear”.
Spend every moment with them. Every, it goes by so fast
Be present in mind and body with your child. Be the father you would want to have. My father was great, so I strive to be better than that. Do your best not to get frustrated. They’re tiny people who don’t know anything and are just experiencing each thing about the world one thing at a time. Do as much as you can without taking over too much. Allow your partner to do the same. Stick to a schedule as much as possible. Sometimes a routine is established, but gets broken a week later. Adapt. Do not get mad at your partner if they are doing their best as well. Communicate needs between the two of you, and work as a team. Remember, it’s you and them versus the problem, not a problem between you. I have an 8 month old girl, and it gets frustrating sometimes. It gets easier, and gets harder. Maintain a healthy, open communication in your relationship and things are much easier than the alternative. My wife is a great mother and dedicated to making sure our baby’s needs are met, and I’m there to do half the work when available and take over when needed. Not sure how old you and her are, but I’m late 30s and wife is early 30s, so it that could make a difference. Secure in ourselves and our lives, so can’t speak to how difficult it would be if we were in a less fortunate situation.
It opened up a lot of unprocessed trauma from my own childhood and my own dad. Apart from that? Absolutely amazing, I LOVEEEEE having my own little man who looks up to me. My little mini me that does and likes things “just like his daddy”. I love it. Becoming a dad has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me by far.
Whatever you do you’re going to be doing it right. Don’t worry about if you’re doing things exactly as they’re meant to be done, doing your best as a dad is what matters. You’re going to live for that kid, and they’re going to think the world of you.
Don’t let other people judge you, and don’t judge yourself by other people’s standards. Do what you think is right and you’ll be doing well.
Support your partner, look after your kid, and keep your chin up.
Special note for new dads on feeding; the Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep machine is worth it’s weight in gold if you don’t already have one, and it doesn’t matter how much is going in as long as there’s plenty coming out. Babies will self regulate and let you know when they need feeding or changing. One last tip; when changing release the tabs on the nappy but give it a minute before opening it up to allow pressure to clear. Nobody wants to get sprayed…
As another poster said, having a child will rip open all of the unprocessed trauma from your childhood that you have not dealt with, and you need to deal with it, because nothing a newborn/infant/toddler makes you feel is their fault.
What books have you ready about parenting? What podcasts have you listened to? What expert materials have you consulted? Parenting a child to become emotionally healthy is not something you can just guess at. You need to put in a lot of work to learn what to do, like studying for the most important test of your life.
A few starting points: never hit (spank), never raise your voice, negotiate, don’t circumcise, and have good reasons for the things that you ask them to do. Learn about all of the negatives of daycare that no one tells you about, and learn about all of the positives of getting your child a secure attachment to you and your partner.
Take delight in your child not for any thing that they do, but simply because they exist. They deserve love no matter they do.
Honestly, it’s the most difficult thing that you’ll ever do, while also being the easiest.
When my daughter was born, it was like an instant snap. The second you see your child, you’ll fall in love with them.
Being a parent is easy in the sense that you know what the right thing to do is. You just need to actually do it. Changing diapers, feeding, being patient, being involved. Doing the right thing is easy.
The hard part (for me) is going to bed every night wishing you would’ve done better. Wondering if you’re actually doing the right thing. Hoping that you’re involved enough.
Some parents have trouble with this: always respect they will not be carbon copies of you and may see and experience the world very differently. Don’t pressure them into activities they don’t want and let them explore what they do.
If it’s a boy let circumcision be his choice (statistically speaking he’ll never choose to get cut), even if it seems completely normal to you, it may not be in HIS reality where the rate is quickly dropping, and world views (where it mostly isn’t a thing and is considered a harmful thing to do) are easily accessed.
It is hard but it is damn fulfilling and beautiful. Understand and support your wife. Sex life might go downhill. Understand her and communicate openly with her.
Children are a catalyst for change. When things get tough between you and your partner—whether it’s due to sleep deprivation, a loss of intimacy, or general stress—remember that it’s the arrival of this new, beautiful responsibility that has shifted your relationship dynamics.
If your relationship was strong before your child arrived, it still is. It has simply been transformed by this major life change. So try not to place blame on each other for the challenges you’re facing. And while you certainly can’t blame your baby either, it’s important to acknowledge the impact this transition has on both of you.
Awareness, compassion, and patience are key. You’re both adjusting to something new—together.
You will make mistakes but circumcision is the only irreversible one so don’t do it. I can get any info you need.
Prepare to be stretched beyond your limits. It’s not about you, or her, anymore, it’d about your children.
I had my first at 40, and honestly — I was scared too.You’re never ready, but somehow you figure it out one diaper at a time. Just be patient with yourself. And be her rock — even when you’re exhausted. Best advice? Sleep when you can, don’t overthink every cry, and hold your kid every chance you get. They grow fast.
Do not forget that just because you become parents, you are still husband and wife and need to continue focusing on each other. People have kids and then there only focus is the child and they lose their connection. Yes your child is important and needs you, but they also need you intact and in a good place. Use the resources you have to watch the child while you stay connected and continue to date and enjoy each other.
It’s the hardest thing to do lol. And I mean that in the best way. Be involved , be present. And remember, it’s not the kids fault that they are here. It the most awarding thing I’ve done in my life.
Once they’re old enough (and it’ll come faster than you think) playtime is the key to a child’s heart. The more you mix it up, get creative, and stimulate their imagination the better
I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old, so I can give my own experience.
Overall, it’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It’s joy, pride, meaningfulness, love like I have never felt before. Nothing in the world beats the feeling of making your baby laugh, of your toddler jumping into you arms after missing you all day, of them coming to you for comfort when they are hurt or scared, of watching them learn and become a person.
I felt ready to have them which helped I think, I spent my 20s adventuring, partying, exploring etc. and felt I had that out of my system and it was starting to wear thin. I imagine parenthood hits quite differently if you haven’t done all that first.
However, I won’t like to you. It’s fucking HARD. The hardest thing I have ever done by a long shot. But as you will no doubt hear, it’s only hard for good parents (I mention this because it can be a real comfort in the tricky times). I was not able to comprehend how hard it would be, how exhausting, how all encompassing, how stressful, how never-ending, how overwhelming etc. It was literally unfathomable to me before I had kids, even though I was very much expecting it to be hard lol.
Tips for now would be to enjoy your freedom, autonomy, downtime, sleep, hobbies etc. while you can as it will all be gone for quite some time.
Tips for when the baby arrives would be SUPPORT. You need to step the hell up and get stuck in, nappies, night wakes, cooking, cleaning, etc – you need to proactively take on a lot of it as your partner will be recovering physically and mentally and will likely be stuck under a sleeping or feeding baby for hours a day. Check in with her, make sure you are doing all you can. Those first few months are rough because the baby basically does nothing but feed, crap, cry and sleep. You won’t start getting those cute smiles or laughs or playtime or anything like that for months and I think that’s actually really hard and quite a shock for some new parents.
People say it all goes fast and it sort of does, while also dragging insanely slowly at times. But I already miss who my kids were months ago, those cute little guys are gone and now there is a new version of them with new challenges here.
I personally think each step of parenting is just preparing you for the next. It gets harder and harder but you keep getting more experienced and learning and you are always just about ready to handle the next stage. I know new dads who have been utterly out of their depth and just sort of given up or let the mum take on the lion’s share and I honestly think they never really catch up as a result. This breeds resentment in the relationship and is hard to move past.
Be prepared for the strain on your relationship, it’s a very new dynamic for most relationships. That, coupled with the sheer difficulty of it all, can really challenge you as a couple. Just being aware of that, giving each other some leeway and understanding that it happens to everyone can be a big help. And it’s so important to remember that your partner’s hormones are going to be out of whack for months and it’s going to have an impact on things so you need to be aware of it and account for it.
Be patient with each other, with yourself, and always remember that, no matter how difficult something seems right now, in a couple of weeks it will be a distant memory and 10 new challenges have replaced it.
Sorry this is a bit rambling, but hopefully something in there helps!
Father of two young adults here. The hardest years when they are reliant on you are actually the best. From being needed by them to not being needed is a bitter pill to swallow. You only actually have their time until high school after that you lose them to their friends and gadgets. On the plus side the house is so much better with them and holidays are more fun as opposed to just me and the Mrs. As you get older having the kids around always feels better. I feel like it will be slightly more boring when my kids move out
Strengthen your lower back
I’m a stepdad to a lovely 18yr. old young woman who was 3yrs. old when I came into her life. She’s moving off to college in the fall, and I couldn’t be more proud. I would recommend taking as many pictures as you can. Having a solid collection of memories to look back on as the years pass is key. I went through cancer & almost didn’t make it. I had those photos to look back on and smile while I was on the mend.
It’s the BEST!Life suddenly makes sense. My advice – jump in completely and the rewards are tremendous.
It’ll suck for a good solid 5 years, then it starts to get good…. But even if it doesn’t and it always sucks, it’s not about you anyways. If you’re okay with that then you can handle it. You’ll have a lot of “wtf have I done” moments regardless. Embrace the suck and hold onto the great moments. And save money starting yesterday.
Begin learning all the dad jokes you possibly can. Engrave then in your brain.
Research ways to enhance said jokes by wearing typical dad attire.
Learn about changing nappies once in a while then parade it to your spouse/significant other about how this is easy and that you are amazing because you can do it. (For real though, learn about changing nappies and get used to the concept of being pee’d on by a thing with deadly aim, learn about babies etc and sterilisation, Co parenting helps a lot).
When I was a dad to be, I went and found out a baby poops 12 times a day in its first month so I got the nappy size 2 and bought enough for a month. That stuff is expensive but I was ready.
I also got a breast pump encased breast feeding failed and even had funds aside for baby formula encase that didn’t work too (turns out it didn’t).
Be prepared for collic, it happens by baby taking too much air from bottles. If you stop shy of when they are sucking air, it reduces this. Also learn ways of how to properly and safely burp said baby.
Learn about the physiology of babies, like for example, their neck isn’t strong enough to hold their head upright so to support their head and neck when lifting.
Bring many bibs and prepare for messes. This is a puking pooping peeing machine. Embrace it and acknowledge you’ll get used to it.
Baby crying from your own child is 1000 times worse than other children as it reaches into your soul and makes you feel like a bad parent. Don’t let it make you feel that way, babies will cry because that’s their only way to communicate, be it hunger, pain, upset, narky/sleepy. You’ll get used to it.
Invest in a baby monitor so you can actually sleep and watch baby/hear baby if they awake but most people will have the baby sleep in a cot in the same room.
Take turns feeding baby, Remember, their range of sight is maybe a foot from their face so when you feed, they can see your face and that helps with bonding.
Sleep is no longer a luxury but a blessing, if your baby sleeps regularly, tell nobody as they will jinx it and remember to wake them for their feed at first as they need constant feeds for the first part.
Whatever you do as a parent, however you do it, there is no 100% correct method. Work as a team and work the problem together.
Look after your partner. She just popped out a watermelon from a hole the size of an orange, that woman deserves love and attention too.
I had a good dad myself and I learned a lot of good traits from him.
Your life choices and decisions from this point forward must shift from being “you” -centric to being focused on what’s best for your child. Are you an “artsy” person just getting by living hand-to-mouth while “pursuing your passion”? Are you considering a career move that sees you traveling constantly? Do you currently hang out with your buddies most nights drinking and carousing?
Now you have more than just yourself to consider. That little person needs you. They need you to be a solid constant presence in their life. They need you to provide necessities (shelter, utilities, food, etc), love, attention, to be a teacher of morals and ethics, to play sports and/or with Barbies with them, to encourage their imagination, to have their back, to kiss boo-boos, to show them men can help with housework, and all manner of tasks required of dads in general.
It’s a change of life.
You can decide whether to be an active, caring father, or a douche.
My father was the latter. When my wife told me she was pregnant, I decided to be the former.
Not my kids friend. A parent. Active participant in raising them. Being there is everything.
Guiding them. Knowing who their friends are. Knowing who the friends parents are. Their teachers. Their school administrators. They all knew my wife and I. Not helicopter parents. But, parents that were active.
Starting when they were young, I made sure to open conversations with them. Showing them they can trust us enough to discuss the problems they face.
Teaching them what characteristics are important in their own life and especially when choosing friends. Not telling them, just pointing out if the trouble makers, drama queens, and gossips were the people they want in their lives.
Again, not as their friend, but as a caring father.
They knew my boundaries on behavior. School work etc.. What I do not tolerate. All their friends knew it as well.
Our home was the safe and fun house. Their friends shoes at the front door looked like a platoon of recruits were visiting several days a week. Which was a blessing for us.
I don’t wish to sound like I’m patting my own back, but it worked out well. Two adult children doing well. Their childhood friends still visit us to say hello and update us on their lives.
It’s work. A lot of work, effort and patience. Oh, the patience needed.
Good luck.
Being a dad is a lot of work and has been one of the best things ever. Now, I have a beautiful granddaughter, which is amazing.
Be prepared to be more tired than you thought was possible. Children will try your patience past your breaking point. Don’t take it out on them.
Your protective dad instincts will kick in big time. Embrace that. Kids are a lot tougher than you think they are. It’s OK if they fall down, etc. It’s part of the process.
This is a lifetime commitment. You never stop being a dad. Even when your child has their own children, you’re still dad.
If you travel for a living, keep doing it for now, you’ll miss out on a lot, but it gets harder to do it as you get older. You can miss out on what they won’t remember, but you can’t miss out when they do remember. I still travel but not like I did 10+ years ago. 4 days can be hard on a 9-12 year old. But 75 days is nothing to a 1 year old.
As they get older, experiences are worth more than any gift. My son doesn’t need anything, and his favorite gifts have been going to concerts and any trips.
Let your wife and yourself have “your time” with them. Nothing wrong with a trip with just you and your child, or your wife and your child. Memories are great as a family as well as one on one.
Age 9-13 is a fun age, they are maturing and want to keep maturing, but are also holding onto what is left of being a “kid”. Each year you lose something, holding hands for example, but each year you gain something – they become an individual and want to do grown up things with you. Just as they are trying to hold onto their youth, you’re holding onto it as well.
If you can, find a way to let your wife stay home for a couple years, do it. It’s worth it 100%. The bond is great and not many kids get this these days. We struggled a bit, but we are very happy we made the decisions. My wife stayed home for 3 years.
Never raise your voice, never, ever hit them.
Fathers of 3 daughters 16-12-8…be the YES man…give them everything…be firm when teaching…tell them you love them everyday…kiss them everyday
Sleep now while you can.
Nothing to worry about. You’ll learn as you go.
Find the humor in everything and laugh when things go wrong. Treat your kid with all the respect and dignity you would wish to be treated with in the same situation. Remember accountability as well
Talk to your kids in utero. They hear your voice. When my daughter was born she was four weeks early and in distress. They had to put her under a heating lamp and she was distressed. When I started talking to her she immediately calmed down and grabbed my finger.
Sing to them often. It helps with development and building connections.