TIFU through fruity Overindulgence.

So I’ll start off by saying yes I should have known better however I simply forgot.

A Co worker of mine has an allotment here in the UK and due to a warm May many of his fruit trees are starting to produce fruit. He’s been saying for a few days how he’s got more than he knows what to do with and being an all round legend he decided to bring some in with him. By some I mean he brought half of Asdas fresh produce aisle into our HQ yesterday morning and plopped them on the counter for everyone to have a go at.

I arrived slightly late to the morning and as he knows I like cherries he’s simply kept around half a carrier bag of them aside and gave them to me in passing before I went out to start a busy day. After snacking on them a bit in the morning and really thoroughly enjoying them I skipped lunch on the pre-tense that I’m having a busy day due to starting late and I didn’t need to stop.. besides, I had my cherries to keep me going.

After munching cherries for my breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses and luncheon as you can probably guess. My stomach was doing the cha cha slide. While most people at this point would be starting to make a connection I on the other hand figured I must be hungry, after all, the only thing I’ve had to eat are the cherries so I proceed to munch the rest down on my drive home happily spitting the pips out the window as I go, content in knowing I’ve had a good day with a healthy diet, something rare when you spend your work day on the road.

Cue me walking through the door, feeding the cat and plopping onto the sofa an hour or two later. Stomach still in knots. Then it hits me, like a jet of cold water down my spine.. I need to go and I need to go now. After a dash to the loo I’m left gripping the porcelain as though satan himself is trying to extricate himself from my bowels. I proceeded to spend the night naked, sweating profusely giving myself the flush of a lifetime. Given the colour of the cherries I can only describe what happened next as the scene from the shining only constant and unrelenting. I’m fairly sure I flushed a peice of gum I swallowed back in year six down my bog at one point.

Fast forward twelve hours it’s still coming out of me plus it’s still bright red so at this point I’m not sure if it’s the cherries or if satan did indeed burn a hole through my lower intestine. Either way my toilet bowl vividly resembles a scene from Dexter. On the bright side my girlfriend came home from her night shift, called me an idiot, passed me a cherry lucosade through the door “for electrolytes” and has proceeded to play Cherry Cherry Lady on the Alexa for the last ten minutes. I never want to see another cherry for as long as I live.

TL;DR: Thought I was being super healthy. Have given my bowels and toilet bowl trauma.