My bf[29M] and I [31F] were talking about past relationships and we got to talking about his last relationship and what went wrong. So basically his ex told him some things were really bothering her in the relationship for around 5 years and he didn’t try to really fix it until she came to him saying “she feels like roommates, you shouldn’t just stay with someone because they don’t cheat”. She cancelled their wedding 1 month before it occured.
Btw the issue with them is that he was using corn to replace seggs with her and wasn’t having it with her and she kept complaining about it for years
He started to take it really seriously and said give him a week and if he isn’t the man she wants in a week she can go. So I mentioned some things she did wrong but mention that it’s wrong to try only at the end of the relationship and no woman is going to take you seriously when you do that.
And he says yeah I agree but it isn’t wrong I tried. I said okay but I’m just saying its wrong to try only when you think the person is going to leave. And he says he agrees but he seems really adamant on the fact he wants me to admit that it wasn’t wrong that he did at least try at the end. Because that’s better than not trying at all.
“It’s wrong to try at the end because you didn’t try sooner. It’s wrong to only try at the end when you didn’t try sooner.” I understand these sentences sound different but to me it means the same thing. All I am trying to convey here is that the importance of trying when someone brings up an issue is what matters not 5 months or 5 years later when they decide to break up.
My boyfriend wouldn’t let this go. I told him I am not going to agree that it’s right or wrong he tried at the end because I don’t care about that at all. I just think it’s wrong to only try then. He kept going in circles with me about this forever I honestly should have just walked to my room. He started getting angry and agitated saying the way I am wording the sentence is wrong and 2+2=4. And how I am making my sentence is not condusive to the English language. And how I am not listening to him because if I were I would agree with him
I would agree with him that it’s right that he at least DID try at the end. “Oh so you’re saying I should have just walked away versus not try at all?” I said look I’m not saying anything about that I’m just saying its wrong to only try at the end. Which he says he agrees with..BUT… And the circle conversation continues about how I’m wrong with my wording since he still should have tried at the end.
It felt like he just wouldn’t let me have my perceptive on everything. We started using chatGPT to try to help and before I even got to type everything in he literally angrily ripped his phone out of my hands to type it in the way he wanted because “I’m just going to make it agree with me”.
I was being calm throughout the whole conversation and I kept saying it’s okay that we have a different perspective and we can agree to disagree etc and he just couldn’t let it go because “we do agree you’re just saying it wrong and not using the English language correctly etc” I said IDC how perfect I said it or not. My point remains the same. I just wanted to stop talking about it.
He says I am acting stupid I am not actually stupid but I am acting stupid. I said why are you talking to me like this? I am not talking this way to you.
He remains angry and says because I need to listen to him etc I said you aren’t my dad. Why do I need to listen to you? I am allowed to have my own thoughts. I hear every you are saying I just am not going to agree in the exact way you want. Then he ends up saying “you don’t even have a…blank.(Dad). I said what??
He didn’t complete the sentence but he admitted he was going to say Dad. He had this look on his face too that was mean and like he was saying “got chya”. Like he wanted to hurt me. This really hurt me and I was shocked. He knows the man I thought was my dad growing up was a dead beat parent and left for good when I was 12 and then I discovered he isn’t my real dad. And my real dad is someone we don’t know who basically r worded my mom.
So this is a sensitive topic for me. I am so hurt that he would keep a conversation like this going in a circle for this long and hurt me like this. I told him we don’t always have to everything and that it’s okay not to. Whether it’s a misunderstanding or something else it’s okay to not see things the same way. I told him I don’t understand how this conversation which turned into a disagreement justified him being rude to me.
I was not being rude or condescending or cruel the whole time I was really very calm. I just viewed it as we aren’t seeing eye to eye. And that’s okay. I entertained trying to talk about it and see if we come to an agreement but we didn’t. But he seemed to want to drag it on and on to the point of being cruel to me and then finally stabbing me in the heart essentially.
Then later on he tries to have sex with me and I told him I didn’t feel interested because of this incident and he brings it back up to try to keep going over the disagreement again. I said I am done with this conversation. I said how he is acting is immature and isnt attractive at all. I would prefer he just realized we aren’t seeing eye to eye and let it go.
Later on he tried to apologize and said “I’m sorry for saying you are acting stupid but I only said it because you aren’t listening to me”. Which obviously isn’t a real apology. He did apologize for the dad comment but honestly I don’t even know what to say or think about that.
Also he justified the 2+2=4 comment saying it isn’t rude to say that during the disagreement because it’s just an example showing that he’s right essentially it’s not that he is saying it to call me dumb.
He tried to make me feel stupid and then was insulting me during the disagreement and I don’t think it had to be that way at all. I can’t believe that he said the things he said to me. I have been considering moving in with him. I just don’t know what to even think at all. I’ve had disagreements with ex’s and fights but no one ever said anything about my dad or lack of dad as a means to hurt me.
TL;DR Boyfriend wouldn’t let disagreement go for what felt like hours and then started to belittle and attack me and even mentions me not having a dad to hurt me.
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Backup of the post’s body: My bf and I were talking about past relationships and we got to talking about his last relationship and what went wrong. So basically his ex told him some things were really bothering her in the relationship for around 5 years and he didn’t try to really fix it until she came to him saying “she feels like roommates, you shouldn’t just stay with someone because they don’t cheat”. She cancelled their wedding 1 month before it occured.
Btw the issue with them is that he was using corn to replace seggs with her and wasn’t having it with her and she kept complaining about it for years
He started to take it really seriously and said give him a week and if he isn’t the man she wants in a week she can go. So I mentioned some things she did wrong but mention that it’s wrong to try only at the end of the relationship and no woman is going to take you seriously when you do that.
And he says yeah I agree but it isn’t wrong I tried. I said okay but I’m just saying its wrong to try only when you think the person is going to leave. And he says he agrees but he seems really adamant on the fact he wants me to admit that it wasn’t wrong that he did at least try at the end. Because that’s better than not trying at all.
“It’s wrong to try at the end because you didn’t try sooner. It’s wrong to only try at the end when you didn’t try sooner.” I understand these sentences sound different but to me it means the same thing. All I am trying to convey here is that the importance of trying when someone brings up an issue is what matters not 5 months or 5 years later when they decide to break up.
My boyfriend wouldn’t let this go. I told him I am not going to agree that it’s right or wrong he tried at the end because I don’t care about that at all. I just think it’s wrong to only try then. He kept going in circles with me about this forever I honestly should have just walked to my room. He started getting angry and agitated saying the way I am wording the sentence is wrong and 2+2=4. And how I am making my sentence is not condusive to the English language. And how I am not listening to him because if I were I would agree with him
I would agree with him that it’s right that he at least DID try at the end. “Oh so you’re saying I should have just walked away versus not try at all?” I said look I’m not saying anything about that I’m just saying its wrong to only try at the end. Which he says he agrees with..BUT… And the circle conversation continues about how I’m wrong with my wording since he still should have tried at the end.
It felt like he just wouldn’t let me have my perceptive on everything. We started using chatGPT to try to help and before I even got to type everything in he literally angrily ripped his phone out of my hands to type it in the way he wanted because “I’m just going to make it agree with me”.
I was being calm throughout the whole conversation and I kept saying it’s okay that we have a different perspective and we can agree to disagree etc and he just couldn’t let it go because “we do agree you’re just saying it wrong and not using the English language correctly etc” I said IDC how perfect I said it or not. My point remains the same. I just wanted to stop talking about it.
He says I am acting stupid I am not actually stupid but I am acting stupid. I said why are you talking to me like this? I am not talking this way to you.
He remains angry and says because I need to listen to him etc I said you aren’t my dad. Why do I need to listen to you? I am allowed to have my own thoughts. I hear every you are saying I just am not going to agree in the exact way you want. Then he ends up saying “you don’t even have a…blank.(Dad). I said what??
He didn’t complete the sentence but he admitted he was going to say Dad. He had this look on his face too that was mean and like he was saying “got chya”. Like he wanted to hurt me. This really hurt me and I was shocked. He knows the man I thought was my dad growing up was a dead beat parent and left for good when I was 12 and then I discovered he isn’t my real dad. And my real dad is someone we don’t know who basically r*ped my mom.
So this is a sensitive topic for me. I am so hurt that he would keep a conversation like this going in a circle for this long and hurt me like this. I told him we don’t always have to everything and that it’s okay not to. Whether it’s a misunderstanding or something else it’s okay to not see things the same way. I told him I don’t understand how this conversation which turned into a disagreement justified him being rude to me.
I was not being rude or condescending or cruel the whole time I was really very calm. I just viewed it as we aren’t seeing eye to eye. And that’s okay. I entertained trying to talk about it and see if we come to an agreement but we didn’t. But he seemed to want to drag it on and on to the point of being cruel to me and then finally stabbing me in the heart essentially.
Then later on he tries to have sex with me and I told him I didn’t feel interested because of this incident and he brings it back up to try to keep going over the disagreement again. I said I am done with this conversation. I said how he is acting is immature and isnt attractive at all. I would prefer he just realized we aren’t seeing eye to eye and let it go.
Later on he tried to apologize and said “I’m sorry for saying you are acting stupid but I only said it because you aren’t listening to me”. Which obviously isn’t a real apology. He did apologize for the dad comment but honestly I don’t even know what to say or think about that.
Also he justified the 2+2=4 comment saying it isn’t rude to say that during the disagreement because it’s just an example showing that he’s right essentially it’s not that he is saying it to call me dumb.
He tried to make me feel stupid and then was insulting me during the disagreement and I don’t think it had to be that way at all. I can’t believe that he said the things he said to me. I have been considering moving in with him. I just don’t know what to even think at all. I’ve had disagreements with ex’s and fights but no one ever said anything about my dad or lack of dad as a means to hurt me.
TL;DR Boyfriend wouldn’t let disagreement go for what felt like hours and then started to belittle and attack me and even mentions me not having a dad to hurt me.
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Why Men Refuse to Admit Their Mistakes
Sounds like his ex girlfriend had a lucky escape.
The argument topic is irrelevant. It seems like you are both incompatible. You are unable to resolve a simple disagreement that doesn’t really matter and it just unnecessarily escalated. I personally wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone like this
How to you anticipate disagreements will end with topics that really matter?
Do you see a future with this person?
He needs to deal with his self and find a way to heal it’s not your burden to carry, you know your relationship but I wouldn’t trust this man to show up for me when I deal with grief or postpartum depression, or anything that requires my partner to be emotionally stable so I can lean on him when I feel weak
The words are porn and sex. Jesus Christ.
He either takes accountability that the way he handled the argument was wrong or you drop him.
Don’t waste 5 years of your life asking him to see that the way he handles disagreements is unhealthy to any relationship.
You both sound exhausting. Him especially. This style of arguing does not bode well for your relationship’s future. Once someone is saying things to ‘get’ the other person it’s gone too far. He’s very likely to do it again. Counseling is my only suggestion. You two need to learn to fight/argue correctly.
And you’re together because…..?
Both of you sound like a work, its not great telling a person who changed at the cost of their last relationship that they did do well enough repetitively despite all the effort, neither is throwing something so hurtful during a conversation…both of you have ego issues that needs resolving
A 29 year old should not need to result to petty insults to prove a point. He was dead wrong for saying you don’t use the English language right, dead wrong for saying you were acting stupid, and dead wrong for bringing up your absent father in an argument that didn’t have anything to do with it. If you result to insults it’s probably because you don’t have any real legs to stand on in the argument (which he didn’t). Please do yourself a favor and leave this man. Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? Because if something this small that doesn’t even involve you gets him this riled up I can’t imagine how he’ll act in arguments with bigger stakes. He is emotionally immature.
Yeah this relationship is over, or should be. Come on now.
If y’all argue this way over something so trivial, what happens when you have a more serious conflict? He pulled out a gotcha over your trauma for an argument about semantics. His ego required this much soothing. This man is insufferable. Therapy’s great, give it a shot if you’re both willing, but this is not behavior you need to put up with.
He was wrong. It’s a flaw many people have- they don’t care to change until it’s already too late. If you cared about the relationship and about the person, you would have changed because you wanted to make them happy. Not just to keep them from leaving.
It’s like someone being a bad person all their life then trying to make it up by being a really good person right before they die. Doesn’t undo anything previous.
He’s angry because you won’t tell him that he’s the good guy and that his ex was wrong.
It’s not that you’re not understanding the language, he’s literally just angry that you won’t just agree with him. He doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy in his last relationship and you don’t agree with him that he wasn’t in the wrong. He got increasingly angry because you’re supposed to just agree with him. There’s nothing more to it than that.
Yeah there’s a good reason she’s his ex.
Idk why you would be in this relationship at all. Not listening, trying to hurt, playing semantics, it all sounds terrible.
For the record, if you feel like you need to revisit your bf’s crap behaviour from the past relationship: it’s bad to start trying at the end because it means that you need a threat to start taking your partner’s concerns seriously. If you care about a relationship, you work on maintaining it and improving it all the time, not just when it’s under threat. When you care about your partner, you don’t dismiss or ignore their problems until there might be an inconvenience to you – you pay attention to them because you love them and want them to be happy.
He’s exhausting, stubborn, stupid & borderline abusive. I bet if you drop him you will feel like a 100 lb weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
You need to be his next ex
Dump him already ffs
It sounds like the the BF didn’t learn his lesson from the first relationship. He wants credit for “trying,” but doesn’t seem to understand the concept of too little, too late. You articulated your point just fine, but he didn’t want to hear it, so he didn’t, and he put that on you. One of the hardest thing I’ve had to learn in my life is that you can construct a breathtakingly logically perfect argument, but if the other person doesn’t want to hear it, they won’t.
Then there is the fact that he was going to throw your absent father in your face in an attempt to “win.” That’s dealbreaker right there. This argument wasn’t even really all that big, but he blew it out of proportion. Some things are unforgivable. This man has the emotional intelligence of a rock.
Do you really want to build a future with this person? Do his good qualitied make up for all this?
I would not be staying with anyone that went out of their way to be purposefully hurtful when they disagree with me. Anyone who’s trying to win an argument by being disrespectful with low blows is immediately disqualified as a potential partner.
Update me
Ok, so explain to us all here why you are still with this guy, knowing what you know about him?
Wouldn’t this huge debacle be a very good reason to become his next ex?
You’re worth more than what that guy offers up. Please see it, recognize it, and let someone else put up with his bs.
His ex gf is a smart woman who escaped his mess. Follow her lead.
Hun, this isn’t a good person that you’re with.
All the “you aren’t listening to me” are concerning, because it leans into control. Ie, his opinion is correct and yours isn’t.
You should follow what the ex did and leave.
His ex girlfried was right to move on! Go read everything you wrote, this is a right fighter and a very immature man. Than he has to bring up your dad to hurt you. That was the only reason he said it. He wanted you to feel some kind of pain.
He hasn’t changed from his ex at all. He won’t change with the next one either. Hopefully you move on because anyone that intentionally wants to break you down is not a good person to have in your life.
I know that you know this, so why are you staying, you think you can fix him? Nope, his ex tried too! Maybe talk to her, I bet you’d get a whole new perspective, or confirm the one you already know about him!
NEVER stay with someone who intentionally causes you pain. He is so childish, has to win a fight, this is your life if you stay! I can not stand relentless ass people who will NEVER let it go! It’s stressful and they end up hurting you and you end up really disliking them!
Update us with great news that you’ve moved on! He’ll pull this on his next GF too!
I am well versed in the 2+2=4 conversation.
He is right 2+2=4. 1+3=4 also. 5-1=4.
The points of view are endless but the answer is the same. They broke up a month before the wedding because he couldn’t address his issues in a timely manner. He is now doubling down on that.
The first time men show you that they want to hurt you, believe them.
I got to the point where he called you stupid.
Stop. Just walk away from the loser. He does not respect you or women in general. You can do better.
Unless, of course, you want to be miserable the rest of your life, then stay.
I am so glad you have not moved in with him. It makes changing the locks/ re-keying easier.
This dude is exhausting – mean, lazy, porn addiction,unable to accountability for his actions.
Plus he intentionally hurts your feelings. Then tries to sleep with you.
He could be Adonis himself and it wouldn’t be worth it.
You may consider being his EX as well
The last gf put up with this guy for 5 years. Learn from her and don’t waste 5 years.
Ex girlfriend was right to leave him. You should too.
So you want to move in with him and then he can really strong arm you. I think you should take a hard look at your relationship. If this is a random time he’s been like this, then fine. However, I’ll guess he’s stubborn like this in other areas too. Not to mention, his insisting you see it his way is a form of control. If you don’t see it how he does then he can’t control the narrative.
It really sounds like he was setting up a “get out of jail, free card”. He would not be a good partner and covering his ass now.
It sounds like this relationship would have been one sided. He offends and OP would have to suck it up.
Nope.
And after all the noise, he wanted sex?
Oh hell no.
What I would do: not move in, dump him.
Then, let him know that the last time we had sex was the last time.
I don’t need to read more than the title, if someone takes your pain and throws it in your face, you leave. That person does not love you, they love what you do for them or the control they have on you.
Girl you wrote that, re-read it for grammar and still asked us about him…
This was a stupid argument for sure. Went on too long. Bf clearly has issues. Be glad this spat reveals true colors. Also, is a stupid comment to say “you’re not my dad, therefore I don’t have to listen to you”. Is your dad the only person you listen to? What are you getting at?
It’s extremely childish any one man or woman would be annoyed by that comment.
I would refrain from using this line in an argument if you want to be taken seriously. Find better ways to end a discussion.
This is a red flag to me. I once came across someone who had a habit of telling things about him, and then he expected me to agree with him even though I didn’t have the full portrait of the situation.
He turned out to be a monster of narcissism. The reason why he absolutely needed people to agree with him or get them on his side, even if he had to lie to get there, was to protect his fragile ego and then use that as leverage to get into attack mode (“see, these people are on my side, watch me destroy your credibility and relationships!”).
Everything that followed in your text kept bringing me back to that guy.
If it was me, I would run away, now.
I… couldn’t get past the second paragraph. Why would someone avoid using the words porn or sex? I can’t take this seriously.
Yuck, your guy.
He sounds entitled. He literally got angry at you for not agreeing with him.
Then he wanted to hurt you and punish you for not agreeing. That’s a huge red flag. He’s not a good boyfriend.
Read the book,
Why does he do that
By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and may help you understand him better.
OP, just break it off. He is immature. Selfish. He has a need to be right all the time and cannot admit that he was wrong.
When face with somebody who points out that he was wrong, and he was, he resorts to getting personal in a way meant to hurt you. Not in a way meant to explain where he was coming from or why he felt a certain way. Basically, when you refused to back down, he went for the jugular.
This is not a nice person. This is an immature child. And if that helps, what you were trying to verbalize and get across to him as this….
His ex tried for five years to express to him how much his addiction to corn was hurting her. And it was an addiction, make no mistake. He didn’t care enough about her to do anything about it until…
It was actually going to affect him on a personal level. Her pain was not enough of an incentive for him to get help. Her pain was not enough of an incentive for him to acknowledge his problem. He fucking didn’t care until it was going to impact HIM.
He was selfish, and he wants to be patted on the back for only trying to do something about his problem when he was feeling repercussions himself.
In other words, he didn’t love her enough to care that he was hurting her. He didn’t love her enough to understand that he was making his problem, her problem. That she was suffering, the affects of his problem, not him.
Because he still had her around. She was still there financially. She was still there to help around the house. She was still there to be the buffer between him and family… You know, I’m sure she was the one that made your Christmas presents were bought. The one that made sure they were at family events. She was the planner and the deer and the laundress and cook.
I would put money on all of that. So you see, he didn’t give a shit that she was hurting. He didn’t give a shit that he was hurting her. Until it affected HIM.
That’s what you were trying to get across to him. And that’s why him trying for one week didn’t mean crap. Because he wasn’t trying for her. He was only trying to do something for himself… So he didn’t lose all of that. So he didn’t have to be embarrassed that his wedding was called off and people might find out why
Run
You have another post about how awful your BF is to you. Why are you with him? I promise there are better men out there who won’t treat you like this. He sounds like he doesn’t even like you.
You need to end things. He reuses to accept you don’t agree with him when you’re right. He calls you names, insults you and then wants sex. His ex is lucky she got out in time.
How he reacted to such a dumb argument speaks volumes. One disagreement, and he goes for insults like a kid
His ex thankfully dodged a bullet. Perhaps you should follow her example…
As long as she was the only one feeling the pain, he didn’t care to make any effort to fix the issue. He didn’t care about her, at all. He only started caring and trying to fix the issue when he was going to face negative consequences.
That’s the difference. His efforts at the end were still all about him only. Selfishness personified.
Finally listening to your partner when they are fed up enough to leave you is NOT trying. It’s putting in the minimal effort thinking you can fool them and then eventually go back to being a shitty partner.
This guy thinks that he shouldn’t have to listen to his partner, he belittles you, he gaslights you, and he deliberately says things to hurt you. Why are you staying with someone who treats you so poorly?