I’ve always been someone who’s open with my feelings and ready to support my partner emotionally. I give my all in relationships I’m loyal, caring, and genuinely try so hard to make things work. I show up fully, I communicate, and I invest in building something meaningful.
But no matter how much I put myself out there, I keep getting rejected or overlooked. Many of the men I meet whether in dating or in longer-term relationships end up being inconsistent or ghosting me. It’s confusing and hurtful. It makes me wonder if I’m the problem or if there’s something about me that’s off. Over time, this has created some insecurity I’m trying to work through.
I also can’t help but feel that sometimes I’m “too much” maybe too smart or too emotionally aware for some of these men. It’s not arrogance, just an observation based on my experiences.
I know I bring a lot of good to the table, and I’m ready for something real. But it often feels like the men I meet either don’t want that kind of connection or shy away when things get deep.
So, I’m curious for the men here, why might some hesitate to be with women who are emotionally available and ready? What’s really going on?
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Well, there’s a difference between being emotionally available and emotionally overwhelming. Most men want to listen and be available for you if they really care about you. Just make sure you’re not asking them to be your therapist
If you’re describing yourself as “too smart” and “too emotionally aware” for the men you’re dating, I can tell you with pretty reasonable certainty that you don’t have a problem being too smart or too emotionally aware. You have a problem being conceited and a problem with looking down on men – being unable to recognize the way men display their intelligence and emotions because they don’t look how you think they “should” look. This post screams “I have a superiority complex.”
There is a lot of men and women going through this same thing.
My suggestion, is that things should be “deep” from the get go. In fact, I think a lot of people have “casual things” and “deep things” reversed.
The day me and my wife started dating, I told her I date to marry. Months in, we put an action plan to see what we’d need financially, and in other aspects what we’d need to know and feel to be comfortable with marriage. 1.5 years in, goals achieved, engaged. 2 year mark married.
We also waited until marriage.
Look for a serious person who is with you for the right reasons, and you’ll get a serious relationship.
“too smart” and “too emotionally aware”. That’s a big oof. If your first guess is that you are too good at something, Idk how to feel about the rest of this post.
Building trust takes time. I won’t tell you my deepest, darkest secrets on the first date or even in the first month or year. You can’t rush building a meaningful relationship and if you tried doing that, chances are you come accross as a bit of a wreck. And most importantly you can’t force someone to open up. The moment you start prying and digging around in stuff the other person is not comfortable with yet there will be resistance or resentment.
Why not calm it down, take it slow and build your relationship at a pace both parties are ok with?
And maybe work on recognizing how you appear to others. Don’t turn confidence into arrogance.
You would probably be better off getting feedback from your friends or ex-partners, since all we can do is baselessly speculate about the kind of person you are (which is fun, but not especially helpful).
But in general, I would say that women who possess high emotional intelligence are quite frightening, because I feel as if I can’t hide my emotions very well from them.
“Too smart and too emotionally aware.” I am now instantly turned off. Ain’t no man want to deal with that shit.
How about just be cute and fun.
When women say emotional intelligence or available it usually means emotionally chaotic in reality to men. You all think expressing or acting on every emotion is intelligent for some strange reason. Men are not women. Until you realize and accept this FACT of life you will continue to feel like you’re coming up short. Men process things internally. We don’t feel the need to express every little thing. Because most will resolve themselves with a little time.
It’s cause you are attracted to avoidant men. You can be a completely regular person but be too much for them. They will always make you feel like you do and want too much.
Because what you call “emotionally available” we call manic and mentally unstable. Thoughts and feelings happen inside your head, most of them are meant to stay there.
It sounds like you end up dating people who attach avoidantly. Men have historically been slower on the emotional intelligence uptake (though I think this gap is closing) but eventually the genders even out here in my experience.
Are you familiar with attachment styles? I may do some research in that. If you’re feeling “too much” that can be a sign you’re attaching anxiously and anxious avoidant dynamics are usually doomed to failure. Not saying this is what is happening here, but could explain your issues and I would look for partners that attach securely or, at least, anxiously instead of avoidant.
I’m avoidant and have to really move through some real fight or flight feelings to stay grounded when dealing with difficult emotionally vulnerable conversations. It can be real challenging and I often feel “not enough” for my partners when those feelings are triggered.
For me, I’m the one emotionally unavailable most of the time, and when I come face to face with someone who is in tune with their emotions and their reactions it can be intimidating. Mostly because of our own self awareness level, and that fact that I cannot hold up the weight of an emotional relationship with where I am emotionally compared to the other person. Sometimes when we’re face to face with someone’s raw emotions it’s scary and it puts me into defense mode, because then I either a) internalize the issue to be about myself or b) deflect the issue to it’s their fault they have to deal with it, and not acknowledging my part in things.
Emotional maturity unfortunately does not come with age, I’ve been on this journey for awhile now and it’s still hard. Each relationship has taught me something about myself that still isn’t healed and how I can be a better partner.
As a man, I’ve encountered the same issue. My suspicion is that – as givers – we naturally line up more with takers (or empaths, narcissists, etc).
I’d love to provide you with a quick fix, but my best suggestion is to (as best you can) look past the emotion for the signs that you really have a great connection that will last.
Two things jump to my mind:
You might be getting rejected for unrelated reasons, like you’re bad in bed.
It can be tiresome to deal with someone who can’t accept that their emotions are factually wrong, and what they’re feeling is not based in reality. I need a partner with the emotional maturity to say her feelings were wrong and apologize for treating me poorly due to her emotional state.
Emotionally available? No, not at all. But one thing we always have to ask ourselves – is it emotional availability? Or emotional overload?
For example, my current partner is incredible. She has high EQ, lets me know what is going on in her heart and mind so I am aware, but doesn’t make it my issue to solve. Like is she’s having issues with her ex-husband because of coparenting issues, she tells me “Hey babe, just to let you know, there’s ____ going on and it’s causing some stress. You know how it is <3 Thanks for listening.” (obviously shortened, but that’s the gist of it).
Whereas an ex of mine wanted to have big, heavy conversations every week about our feelings. And nearly every conversation with her started with her dumping her emotions on my lap for half an hour. It was fully exhausting.
Because they are continually dumping on me and have no empathy for me when I’m worn out.
It’s always pouring from an empty cup