I need thoughts and opinions because I feel like I’m going crazy. I, 28F, and my husband, 29M, are in a huge fight because I’m fed up with having to tell him that his actions are not safe for our baby. We have a 2 month old girl, and my frustration started a few weeks ago. One night we were in bed, and our baby was laying in bed with us (we do not cosleep, she has a bassinet.) I asked my husband to do something, when I noticed him picking our 5-6 week old baby up by the sleep sack (imagine grabbing the sleep sack from the chest/belly area and lifting up into the air) and her neck was not supported at all. I quickly asked him to not do that, reminding him her neck needed support. He brushed me off, and stated it was fine. I had to tell him a couple more times to not do that before he finally stopped.
The next issue is our baby swing. I’ve come across him putting her in the swing and not using the straps to keep her strapped in. The first time this happened, his reasoning for not using the straps was because the swing wasn’t moving, and she’s only 2 months old so she hasn’t started rolling yet, overall she doesn’t make big movements. I stated that I still didn’t feel comfortable with her not being strapped in, as we have 6 dogs that wouldn’t mean to hurt her but could easily bump the swing when running through the house. This makes me concerned that she could fall out and get hurt if that happened.
I then expressed my concern again about the swing when I came home from work and saw the swing moving, and she still wasn’t strapped in. I plainly asked why and he went off on me. He yelled that she didn’t need to be strapped in, and that it wasn’t a problem because he was watching her.
Last night really did me in. I was in another room while my husband was changing the baby in the nursery. He called out asking where the wipes went on the changing table, I had taken them to daycare that morning. I heard him then walk out to the living room to grab more off a cart that we keep stocked. I knew instantly that he had left her on the changing table and walked away to a completely different room. There is a strap on the changing table, and he admitted to not using it as well.
I’ve asked him to understand that accidents happen, and he insists that once she starts rolling he will then take the proper safety precautions. I asked him to please just do these things because it makes me feel better, and he only continues to tell me he will not. I asked him to error on the side of caution, but he doesn’t agree that at this stage of her life he needs to practice these safety measures.
Am I missing something? Why would you not be willing to put your wife’s worries at ease? Why would you risk anything happening? He’s mad at me for telling him that he’s wrong to be doing this, to make me worry and not trust that my daughter is with someone that will make safe and smart choices when I’m not around. Am I the asshole for making this a big deal? I don’t think I could ever forgive him if something happened to our child when I’ve pleaded with him over and over again to make smart choices.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I need thoughts and opinions because I feel like I’m going crazy. I, 28F, and my husband, 29M, are in a huge fight because I’m fed up with having to tell him that his actions are not safe for our baby. We have a 2 month old girl, and my frustration started a few weeks ago. One night we were in bed, and our baby was laying in bed with us (we do not cosleep, she has a bassinet.) I asked my husband to do something, when I noticed him picking our 5-6 week old baby up by the sleep sack (imagine grabbing the sleep sack from the chest/belly area and lifting up into the air) and her neck was not supported at all. I quickly asked him to not do that, reminding him her neck needed support. He brushed me off, and stated it was fine. I had to tell him a couple more times to not do that before he finally stopped.
The next issue is our baby swing. I’ve come across him putting her in the swing and not using the straps to keep her strapped in. The first time this happened, his reasoning for not using the straps was because the swing wasn’t moving, and she’s only 2 months old so she hasn’t started rolling yet, overall she doesn’t make big movements. I stated that I still didn’t feel comfortable with her not being strapped in, as we have 6 dogs that wouldn’t mean to hurt her but could easily bump the swing when running through the house. This makes me concerned that she could fall out and get hurt if that happened.
I then expressed my concern again about the swing when I came home from work and saw the swing moving, and she still wasn’t strapped in. I plainly asked why and he went off on me. He yelled that she didn’t need to be strapped in, and that it wasn’t a problem because he was watching her.
Last night really did me in. I was in another room while my husband was changing the baby in the nursery. He called out asking where the wipes went on the changing table, I had taken them to daycare that morning. I heard him then walk out to the living room to grab more off a cart that we keep stocked. I knew instantly that he had left her on the changing table and walked away to a completely different room. There is a strap on the changing table, and he admitted to not using it as well.
I’ve asked him to understand that accidents happen, and he insists that once she starts rolling he will then take the proper safety precautions. I asked him to please just do these things because it makes me feel better, and he only continues to tell me he will not. I asked him to error on the side of caution, but he doesn’t agree that at this stage of her life he needs to practice these safety measures.
Am I missing something? Why would you not be willing to put your wife’s worries at ease? Why would you risk anything happening? He’s mad at me for telling him that he’s wrong to be doing this, to make me worry and not trust that my daughter is with someone that will make safe and smart choices when I’m not around. Am I the asshole for making this a big deal? I don’t think I could ever forgive him if something happened to our child when I’ve pleaded with him over and over again to make smart choices.
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He’s an idiot… and please don’t let him use a carseat without triple checking…
Protect your child at all costs.
Babies aren’t rolling until they are. You don’t want her first roll to be off the changing table…
He is not listening and it could turn into something serious. Does he read anything about baby?
I would have a hard time letting him supervise or care for her with that attitude.
Best wishes🌹
Omggg it’s the whole “it’s my baby too and I don’t need to be told how to parent her!” Even though he’s doing so much wrong. IS YOUR EGO GONNA BE WORTH IT WHEN YOUR BABY GETS EXTREMELY HURT BECAUSE OF YOU, YA DICK!
This is disturbing that he does not see the safety issues.
NTA, if he doesn’t respect you enough to practice safety measures on his child and put your mind at ease then he needs to go to a parenting class and therapist. Parenting class to have someone else tell him the same things. Therapist to find out where these rebellious behaviors and lack of respect are stemming from.
NTA. At all.
My baby rolled at 6 weeks and then didn’t roll until 4-5 months. I found out that it’s common for NBs to roll accidentally because their head is so big, it kind of drags their body with it! Plus babies scoot around! I would NOT under any circumstances leave her alone on the changing table and it is a very dangerous habit to build. You’re absolutely right that something devastating could happen.
The sleep sack thing is so weird, I would be so unsettled if my partner did that.
I’ll admit to not always securing my baby in her bouncer chair but she 1) can’t bounce herself, 2) is never in it by herself alone, and 3) we don’t have pets.
All of these things are unsettling and I think them happening over and over is building the stress and anxiety – coupled with your husband not really caring. Would he react well if you guys went out for a coffee or something and you talked through why it was so stressful? Maybe a public place would be better?
NTA, your husband is an idiot. Does he think he’s the first parent to disregard these safety measures because “the baby isn’t moving around yet”? Your daughter could very well do her first “roll over” on the changing table. I’ve heard about several babies falling from the changing table for that exact reason. Parent didn’t think it was a big deal because the baby wasn’t really moving around yet and then SMACK, baby is on the floor!
I can’t think of any good reason why your husband would purposefully put your infant at risk, it’s either pure laziness or lack of care for his child.
Have you been over-bearing in other situations with the baby? Telling him what to do and how, because you know your baby best? Because him feeling controlled is literally the only reason I could think of as to why he is acting this way. Regardless, he is an idiot and your daughter will end up being hurt due to his negligence sooner or later if he keeps doing stupid shit like this.
The pettiness in me wants you to call CPS and have them come have a chat with him. But more realistically, step one is making sure your baby is safe. Clearly he’s not listening to you so you should have the pediatrician explain all the safety things to him. Then after he is on board with keeping the baby safe, you should insist on therapy to unpack why he didn’t believe you and why he wouldn’t be safer to make you feel better, and then obviously discuss the reason he never took safety seriously from the beginning.
He doesn’t listen to you or respect you. In the short term, is there someone else he will listen to? A doctor, his mom, his dad, his friend? In the long term, you know this isn’t sustainable right? The fundamental problem will remain unchanged.
You’re husband is a dangerous your kid should be anywhere near him. I wonder is he doing this because he’s an idiot or as a way to get out of caring for his child by showing himself as incompetent
I’m a pediatric OT and mom. I would NEVER leave this man alone with my baby ever. What he’s doing is extremely dangerous and careless. He’s a danger to your precious baby.
NTA, involve your paediatrician or a health visitor/community nurse or something in this discussion – he needs outside perspective.
You can tell him from me – my dad took the stair rails off our stairs to sand/scrape off the old paint and refinish them. When I was about the age of your baby I got left lying on the landing at the top of the stairs because nobody thought I could roll or move myself so it should be safe, right? After all I was just lying on a stable flat surface nowhere near the edge.
Except it turned out that I could move after all. I bounced down two storeys on hard wood stairs before anyone could stop me falling – I just wriggled enough to move my whole body for the first time right at that moment.
It was a miracle I wasn’t killed outright, or at the very least given a traumatic brain injury, but somehow apart from being winded I was unhurt.
It took a while for the rails to be done and put back up but you can bet I was never left untended and unrestrained like that again. Your baby might not be so lucky.
You should put baby gates in your doorways too, to keep the dogs from running around your baby so she doesn’t get knocked or bumped (they could send the whole swing over whether she’s strapped in or not) too. My friend has multiple large dogs, all very well trained but she’s aware of the dangers of having kids and dogs together and just doesn’t let them in the same room unless they’re very closely supervised and there is one or more adults per dog when they’re in the same room – you might know your dogs are fine but one firecracker or backfiring car outside the window could change everything in a second.
Give me his number. I can gladly educate him on how he’s being an awful parent AND partner.
This is far more serious than you probably realize. I wouldn’t let him near the baby at this point. One accident and guess who’s baby died? It’s no big deal until there is a horrific outcome.
Stay-at-home Dad here, but I was the working parent with my first child, so I underdstand both positions, and…
…He’s kind of an idiot, yeah?
Babies will surprise you, and it only takes one big surprise to have a dead or brain-damaged baby.
It isn’t worth the risk just to save a few seconds out of laziness.
NTA.
Is there a member of his family that you are comfortable with who might be able to reason with him?
This is how babies get TBIs or actually die. Their heads are so fragile – all it takes is one time of her wiggling a little too much and she will fall.
Take him with you to the next pediatrician appointment and ask the doctor these questions. But in the mean time there is no scenario where he should be left alone with your infant and think long and hard about having more children with him.
What does this guy have ODD and anything you ask him to do he simply refuses because he has mental issues???
Your husband is a menace.
I’m a dad of two. This is deeply concerning behaviour.
You simply cannot leave a baby on a change table unsupervised.
And does he think he’s picking up a puppy by the scruff of the neck?
Your husband is a jackass!
I would freak out so bad I’d never be able to leave the baby alone with him. And you have pets? That baby could get hurt or even die.
Ok so tell him.
I understand the risk is small that (insert babies name) could start rolling when you have them on the changing table. But it is a possibility. Every milstone starts with the first one. How are you gonna feel if it happens and the baby dies. Or has brain damage and can’t live a normal life. Breaks a leg and since they are so small it doesn’t heal right and they can’t walk normal for the rest of their lives? And it would be all your fault. Even worse so because I’m telling you. These things happens. It is your job as thei father to keep them safe. Our job as parents. Please help me keep our child safe.
I just asked my guy to see a male view. He has 6 children. I have 4. All our kids are all grown now.
He said he’d kick your husband butt for his behavior. That it’s in no way acceptable. He’s acting crazy. Dad’s don’t act like that.
My eldest’s first roll was off a padded bench onto a marble floor and immediately was followed by baby’s first urgent care visit. I was right there, I took my hand off him to grab a diaper and I will never forget the sound of him hitting that floor. He’s fifteen now and fine, but it takes no time at all for a baby to suffer life altering or life ending injury
He will not suddenly start doing the right thing once she starts to roll, because he’s making it a habit right now to not pay attention to her safety. And some babies start rolling over very, very young.. imagine her first time being off the changing table. He needs to pay attention now and make it a fucking habit.
You win this argument, hands down.
>…it wasn’t a problem because he was watching her.
If he keeps on this path, he’ll be watching her get hurt, and it will be on him. He needs to remember that she’s not able self advocate for herself. Actions like picking her up by her sleep sack might be scary, but she’s unable to react. If he hurts her, she might or might not cry, but that doesn’t mean everything is fine. Being knocked out of the swing by the dogs or by gentle motion that gradually shifts her body will put her in a most dangerous situation because she doesn’t have the ability to catch herself with her hands if she tumbles to the floor.
He’s being LAZY, SLACK and STUPID. He’s been warned, and because he continues to do it, he’s being WILLFULLY NEGLIGENT.
My infant son wasn’t able to roll over either and managed to roll himself off the deep sofa when I left the room for 15 seconds to grab something.
My sister’s baby fell off the changing table with her right there and BROKE HER ARM.
And that’s people who actually care about babies. Your baby daddy is clueless and worse, he’s acting like he knows everything. He’s a danger to your baby. And I’m not exaggerating.
I would take the baby and go somewhere safe, leave several pamphlets with parenting classes out and obvious, maybe some videos of how to take care of infants, like what NOT to do also. Tell him that until he takes this seriously and educates himself, he isn’t safe for her to be around alone.
I’d put in a nanny cam for when he’s alone with her. Just think what he does when you’re not around.
NTA he’s an idiot. It’s not like he’ll get a notification out the baby will say “Daddy I’m gonna roll now so be careful”. Your baby can roll at any time. Any time the baby’s put down they can roll. Why is he willing to risk her life?
Does he get a kick out of you (naturally) being upset at his behaviour?
I wouldn’t trust him with your daughter,tbh.
What a rude, self centered jerk. Not only does he not give a shit about his baby, he doesn’t give a shit about how YOU feel. Even if you were really being overprotective (if that’s even possible with a two month old), he should be super sensitive to how you feel as the baby’s mother and his WIFE! Where is the love and respect! Picking her up by the night garment and not supporting her head shows he’s a complete goon and has zero common sense. If it were me, I’d tell him if he can’t honor my feelings and quite frankly SAFETY for this baby, then he either goes to counseling with me IMMEDIATELY or there may very well be a split. So sorry you are experiencing this, I’d be scared every time I left him alone with her.
What if she starts rolling when he walks out of the room for the baby wipes? He’s being terribly irresponsible. Ask him how he’ll like parenting a brain-damaged or crippled child for the rest of his life simply because he was lazy.
Is he doing this on purpose as a form of weaponized incompetence so you’ll stop letting him care for your baby?
NTA. Why is he being so careless? It just takes one unexpected bump from the dog or she rolls over…
I would start documenting every conversation and every time he leaves her unstrapped/ unprotected etc My brother-in-law had the same attitude. He would leave his daughter on the couch unsupervised because she wasn’t rolling and then what happened? One day she just up and rolled over and off the couch. Luckily she wasn’t hurt but it really could have been serious and even more so if she had been on a higher surface. I would not leave him alone with her ever!!! I 1000% not even consider having more children with AH. I see a future with many accidents happening when she’s in his care.
One of my babies rolled out of the swing at like 3 weeks old. My dad was watching them and somehow this happened. So yeah at two months it can def happen.
I think for us women who literally risked our lives to being a baby in the world we want to protect our baby at all costs. I had my husband watch baby safety video and becoming a parent from tinyhood and the same with my parents and it helped a lot.
Sometimes they get tired of us saying over and over again that they act like a child and react like children. Or they feel because we’re correcting them we think they’re bad parent which is not true. The best thing you can do is keep asking him to be safe and open up how it really does put a lot of fear inside you.
When a baby cries they don’t get the same reaction. I had to compare the feeling to something that made my husband feel that way to better explain it because men will never have that same worry like a mother does.
NTA. I swear most people put more effort into looking at a restaurant menu than critical thinking.
NTA! All of my babies rolled, or really flipped over before they should have been able to. My oldest was two weeks old when he flipped himself off the couch when he stretched. I was sitting right there, I didn’t have time to react.
Babies are very spastic and stronger than you think. All it takes is one sudden movement and your baby could be seriously injured.
Your husband should not be left alone with your baby. He has no common sense.
You and your baby need to get away from him ASAP
My uncle died as an infant because a neighbor who was “helping out” was changing him on the bed and he rolled off. Then she compounded it by not telling my grandmother because she was “sure” he didn’t get hurt because she checked him after. He died of a brain bleed at 8 weeks. Your husband is an idiot. And I bet if something happened he’d cover up just like my grandmother’s helpful neighbor.
NTA. This is insanely dangerous. He’s not listening to you, so maybe a lesson from a professional well help. Make an appointment with your pediatrician and have the doctor explain to him the very serious consequences of his behavior.
Well…I certainly hope there won’t be a second baby for him to do these dangerous actions again in the future.
updateme
If he goes to pediatrician appointments with you (not holding my breath) then loop in your pediatrician. I guarantee they’ll have a horror story or two to share that’ll shake your husband up. He’s going to feel like an asshole if you all find out your baby learned to roll bc she rolls off the changing table or something. He’s taking unnecessary risks. You’re NTA.
Do you want links to videos about how and why baby death occurs in the home? It’s a massive bummer to most people, but I feel like he kinda needs that sort of media.
Does your husband really deep down not want a child?
OP, your previous post shows me that your husband is really not the one. Do what is best for you!!!!
NTA but it sounds like he’s building some plausible deniability, maybe im just paranoid
So many things wrong with his actions. I’m also going to mention the 6 dogs situation. I hope you never leave her alone with the dogs.
Were there signs of reckless behavior before you had a baby? Is this the kind of guy who drives fast and when you complain acts like you’re the problem? Just asking because there’s been a few people in my past that were always reckless and they always want to have a baby with me and I always thought I can’t trust you to have a baby with. Just wondering if that’s that kind of guy?
You’ll find out when they start ‘rolling’ when she rolls off the table head first onto the floor.
Also, their ability to roll has absolutely no relation to whether they’ll fall or not. My son fell off the bed at about 6 weeks old simply by doing a violent backwards-fishflop type reflex in their sleep and off they went. This was while holding them on me. Babies can wiggle and move about a lot without having yet done a typical full ‘roll’
Do you take your baby to a maternal health centre or maybe they visit you at home. I would have the nurse talk to your husband to stress the importance of using these safety measures. It sounds like he’s making excuses for being lazy which will probably continue to happen while baby grows.
Is it some sort of resentment thing? Like he resents the baby being important to you, or more important than him? He’s obviously deliberately putting her in danger after you specifically tell him what is wrong with the specific action and HOW it’s dangerous and he gets mad and does it anyways. So… why? Jealousy? Anger at having to care for the baby’s needs? What the heck is driving such malicious behavior towards his own child?
Ask your husband why he is so against getting a headstart on the right ways to be doing things so the habit is built quicker, and by the time she’s rolling he won’t have to worry at all about having to remember the strap all of a sudden.
-Message to the husband-: “Just DO IT” love Shia
Is this man fucking stupid???
Respectfully, ma’am you need to take your child and leave for her safety. I used to work for the courts and saw many cases that began like this… father being reckless with a BABY, holding the baby improperly (picking up by clothing or not supporting the child’s head), leaving them unattended in unsafe locations, and then the physical abuse starts because the baby is crying too much, the baby keeps them up, etc. I would be worried leaving the baby alone with him. I saw way too many innocent babies abused or 187’d by the father😮💨 if you’re not willing to leave him, I would install cameras but i wouldn’t stay. Protect your daughter 🥺
He needs to make these habits from the very start, not try to relearn later. Your husband is being an idiot. NTA.
Get information from your doctor about infant safety. Give it to husband. Tell the doctor your husband is not following safety guidelines, have him put it in your child’s chart. If your child gets injured you will be protected from child endangerment charges.
Updateme
You spent almost an entire year making that precious baby from scratch. You hoped every day you would just make it to the end with a healthy baby. And now your moron of a husband is deliberately being negligent regarding her safety. It’s not a matter of if, it’s when. He will do something that causes her to get hurt. Do not wait to see what happens. There need to be serious changes. Could he be doing this so you won’t leave him alone with her? Weaponized incompetence?
Ask him why he won’t do something that would make you not worry. Tell him that y’all’s main focus should be the safety of the baby. Parents make mistakes but him doubling down and purposely not doing something that is meant to be for baby safety is disturbing.
You have two children to watch. I’m sorry. Her safety is THE priority and he is playing silly dangerous games instead.
Can you go stay with your family or some friends for awhile? Tell him he needs to complete some parenting classes and maybe therapy before you come back?
Weaponized incompetence at a dangerous level.
He doesn’t care about safety.
Protect your baby, even if it means leaving him.
I didn’t read the whole thing and I would have LOST my fucking mind if my husband did any of these kinds of things. I would have left my husband so quickly, whatever you need to do. This man is a bad person. Leave him to protect your child.
Take him to the pediatrician with you and let him explain his reasoning to them.
Take him to parenting classes he is ignorant.
Is he weaponizing incompetence? Why would he get mad when you’re stating facts? Why would he NOT want to protect , take care properly.
I think I would take a short break from him. Even if you showed him videos of grieving parents. Or experts explaining the danger he is putting his baby in by these actions he may be the one that never takes responsibility for any mistake he’s made and believes it would never happen to him
I think you should take your husband to your pediatrician with baby. Then, I would NOT ask the doctor to explain how dangerous your husband is acting. I’d ask you doc, “Can you help us learn what our baby needs to keep her safe?”
You may want to explain to the doc prior to this visit what’s going on. But don’t list every thing he’s not doing to protect her. Because then your husband is just going to get defensive.
Your baby’s pediatrician can probably explain this without judgment so your husband gets it. I’m sure you’re not the first.
People who decide the rules don’t apply to them are usually pretty immature. You need to get the knowledgeable people to be involved. He’s just going to block you out because he knows better (even tho he knows jack shit).
In a few years he’ll be driving them around with no seat belts
NTA
Sounds deliberate.
If he won’t protect her – you must. Get her away from him, because wtaf?
There’s going to be a first time that she rolls over on the changing table. There’s going to be a first time that she lunges forward in her swing. If she gets hurt, he’ll never forgive himself, nor will you.
NTA
Why are you still living with him! Leave!! You literally need a divorce to protect your child from this irresponsible asshole. His anger at being asked to not neglect/abuse his child is a warning. If he will yell at you for asking to protect your child, one day he will lose it on that baby. Babies get killed by their fathers all the time. Or they live and get permanent brain damage. Don’t live with the guilt that you stayed and something irreversible happens to your baby. Good luck OP.
I suggest you both go to some counselling so he can hear some home truths. Or a Doctor. He needs to understand the importance of his negligence
He’s doing all of this so that you “take away” his baby responsibilities so that he doesnt have to do them at all.
This is weaponized incompetence at its finest. It shows that he 1) doesnt really care about your child and 2) cares so little for you that he doesn’t want to lay a finger on anything to do with the baby 3) will gladly put baby in seriously potentially harmful situations so that he is taken off of baby duty
He wants you to no longer “let” him care for the baby. He doesn’t want to be a parent. He’s a guy who wants a baby making pet who will take care of the babies. Broodmare, bangmaid, whatever you wanna call it.
This is serious. This isn’t a hope he changes kind of thing. This is you go to your parents and when he takes parenting and babysitting infant safety courses and agrees to follow basic safety rules and protocols you come back. And if he ever breaks another rule on purpose again, ever, even “as a joke” you call a lawyer. He needs to understand this is do or die.
And when your baby is 2,3,4,5 etc your husband will need to be mature enough to accept advice about parenting. If he won’t respect the mother of his child w something like this he doesn’t respect you period. Is there somewhere you can take the baby to stay until he agrees to respect safety guidelines? I’m not kidding. Wake this BOY up. This is his child. It’s not a toy to flex his ego over.
He wants to disappear your baby
I would have left him immediately after the first incident- what are you waiting for?
NTA… doesn’t seem like he understands the concept of accidents and why there are things like straps on the swing or the changing table. He will always think it won’t happen to him, until it does. These are things he should 100% be on board with as a parent. Sorry OP :/
Do you have a safe place you can go to with the baby? He’s going to be responsible for her being seriously injured, possibly permanently disabled or dead. He’s an absolute fucking moron who doesn’t seem to give any level of fucks whatsoever to whether or not your daughter lives through every day. Definitely don’t ever let him in a car with her, if he buckles her in, he won’t bother to do it correctly on the basis that he’s a safe driver. But it’s best if you just don’t ever leave him alone with her at all. He’s shown a blatant disregard not just for her safety, but her life.
NTA, obviously, but is this some perverse form of weaponized incompetence? Does he do this on purpose with the sole intent of making it so that you never ask him to help or care for the baby? This is scary shit!
Great choice for the father of your child. I would stop leaving him alone with your baby.
Ask him how he’d feel if the baby fell and got a brain bleed and died due to his negligence? That’s what his behavior is, negligence.
My friends ex rolled his eyes constantly at her asking him to not leave the baby on the couch. She learned to roll a month earlier than expected. Guess what she rolled off of.
Your daughter won’t send out a notice when she learns to roll over. She’ll just do it, and it will almost certainly be at the worst possible time and from the greatest possible height.
It matters to you and so it should matter to him. And most of all your baby’s safety SHOULD MATTER to him.
Did you take any prenatal classes together? It would be worth checking to see what local hospitals have for parenting programs and what be available in the community. I would say at this point it is unsafe to leave the baby with him. If he refuses to learn and grow, you may need to reach out to Child Protective services. Their goal is to keep families intact, and they have a whole Preventative services division.
Remind him that there’s going to be a first time she rolls over, and she won’t necessarily wait for him to be looking. Smh
Your husband is an idiot and a danger to your child. I’ve never had kids and know not to do this shit. I kind of feel like he’s doing it on purpose so he doesn’t have to watch his own kid. If he is, he’s a horrible person for putting his child at risk like this. You’re better off divorcing him and being a single mother.
Get another Dad to talk to him. He certainly should be listening to your concerns, but I am sure you are both sleep-deprived, angry, and not thinking clearly. His actions need to change but sometimes it takes another person who has been there before to tell you.
NTA my brother grew up with his thumb fused to his palm because he wasn’t supposed to be able to roll over at just 2 months old and he got his hand caught under the radiator while my dad was dealing with helping toddler me in the bathroom.
The damage caused by not supporting baby’s neck could mean permanent disability that needs lifelong care.
He is being super reckless with your baby’s safety. It’s bothered me enough i had to respond the moment you wrote that they can’t roll at 2. They can do it if they really try.
I either had my eyes or my hands on my baby on the changing table at all times. You might need couples therepy. NTA
OP even if this was just you being a hormonal under slept overprotective new mom (and i dont think you are at all)..so what? It is a few seconds of his time to buckle her into her swing or on the changing table. His refusal to do these things speaks volumes. He doesn’t see any value in doing little things to help you feel better and avoid stress. THAT is an a*shole attitude to have, especially at this critical stage when you two need to be able to rely on each other and work as a team
Good luck, OP. Protect your child.
Um. Is this a caveman just reaching modern-day civilization? I’m sorry, but you aren’t the AH. Your husband is. I feel like the first few months were the easy part when my daughter was that small… he’s going to shit himself in the future. I honestly feel bad that you’ve become his mother, too. I have also had my fair share of moments with my husband but not ever to this level of incompetence. The way your husband grabs her would be the thing that makes me snap (though it’s all bad). That’s inhumane as hell. He needs common sense, and he needs to find it very quickly.
Ask him why, even if he feels the doctors and science are too cautious and it’s safe enough, he keeps doing things that give you anxiety attacks and make you feel unsafe when he’s alone with her. Ask why you asking him to follow modern safety methods makes him feel angry and defensive.
Then leave with the baby until he agrees to follow safety methods, because my smart service dog who can navigate wires in a hospital bed once got excited and knocked the baby swing over while it was swinging and my son would have gotten badly hurt if he hadn’t been safely strapped.
Another time I forgot to set the stroller brake because I was exhausted and the stroller rolled ten feet into a ditch
Safe because strapped.
Also grabbing her without supporting her neck is such a dangerous game. If he won’t be safe you have to protect her and only give supervised dadtime until she’s bigger.
This is so weird, why isn’t he being safe if he’s involved enough to do diapers and midnight wakeup? Does he even like her?
I saw my nephew roll from belly to side/back during brief tummy time on the floor. He was about ten days old. We were all shocked and I don’t think he’s done it again yet (about 2.5 months now).
Accidents happen. Your husband is a fucking asshole.
Start sending him videos of babies that get hurt in those exact scenarios. Accidents happen in a blink of an eye. He needs to learn to be more cautious or he is not a safe person for your baby to be around.
He isn’t invested in keeping the baby alive. Therefore he is a direct risk to her survival. You need to document everything and LEAVE – immediately.
What is his problem?! He’s being so rude and actively dangerous. Why is he being so dangerous and insisting on being so irresponsible? He could cause SIDS with ignoring the straps too, BTW. Does he not like her? Is he a regretful parent? Ugh I’m sorry! Please stick to your guns and TELL the pediatrician in a, “ just to confirm, is it dangerous to don’t, y, z, because I think so and hurts and meals doing it and gets emotional and defensive when I try to help him be safe with the baby. What should I say? How do I peotext her?” And etc.
NTAH. If babies announced when they could roll over it would save a lot of trouble. Unfortunately they don’t. So safety requires one to presume it could be at anytime and when least expected.
Sounds like weaponized incompetence.
The safety measures should be done so that they become an automatic motion, regardless that she’s not rolling yet.
Also, 6 dogs in the house around a newborn. Yikes.
When my nephew in law was a newborn he was in his carseat that was sitting on the kitchen table but he was not strapped in. He “yeeted” himself out of it onto the floor on his face. I wasn’t around yet back then, but I can only imagine he had a startle reflex or some other kind of newborn wiggling that dislodged him from the seat. It can happen at any time, they don’t have to be rolling yet. It will piss him off, but you should tell someone else who he will listen to what’s happening and have them drill it into him, whether that’s one of his parents or your pediatrician. Sometimes people have to hear advice from a different source to really get it (or is this just men?).
You need to become Mama Bear. There is a reason it’s a cliche.
You are 1,000% right. Accidents happen. Unexpected stuff happens. Sometimes, it goes down right in front of the people who are standing there watching (as if the act of witnessing were somehow preventative.)
The concept of “best practice” exists for a good reason, in every field. It’s why rock climbers use backup lines. It’s why drunk people aren’t allowed in pools–no matter how strong their swimming skills. Decent dog groomers know never to step away from a dog while its neck is in the noose (even if they don’t think it will jump or fall) because they acknowledge that if the dog does fall, it will hang. Competent horse riders don’t run to their horses from behind. Flight attendants will kick someone off a plane for refusing to put their phone in Airplane Mode. And seatbelts/belts of all kinds should be really obvious.
I mean crap. I don’t know much about infants at all, but I’ve known it’s really important to support their necks from the time I was a kid.
My advice is to stay somewhere else until he gets it through his head that a mama and her kid is nothing to be trifled with.
Another point to be made is that people protect what they *really* care about. Guys like this tick me off to no end. They’ll play fast and lose with their family’s safety (and sanity)….but just about all of them have some shiny toy (car, sports equipment, signed memorabilia, etc) that no one else would dare handle without permission.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Ask your pediatrician to go over safety for the baby with you. Tomorrow.
There are other problems apparently but that’s not an excuse to risk your baby. Can’t take that one back.
If he continues to refuse to change his ways, consider showing him these comments, so he can see how pigheaded he’s being about his own daughter’s safety & your own mental well being. It’s already blatantly disrespectful to shrug off your concerns, but is it really going to take a (possibly) fatal injury to your daughter for him to realize just how dangerous his actions are?
NTA
Also consider telling people in your circle how flippant he is with your baby’s safety. Although your opinion should matter the most to him, maybe it’ll get through his thick skull if enough people tell him he’s the one in the wrong.
I don’t even have a baby and I’m freaking out over your husband’s carelessness. Yikes
Please read the book “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. There are free and audio versions available. You need to be able to recognize toxic, dangerous, and abusive behaviors that your husband may be doing. His lack of regard for the safety of your NEWBORN BABY and his anger at being challenged by you are BIG RED FLAGS.
Do you have family that you can lean on for support? This man needs for his community to come around and tell him that he is being an asshole who is endangering his very fragile baby. Maybe have someone else do a slideshow of accidents that happen with the things he says “doesn’t matter”. (Not you, you don’t need that extra stress or those images in your head.)
Nta. Yikes! He needs to listen to you! When she’s old enough to ride a bike, he’s not going to male her wear a helmet, either bc he’s right there. Helmets save lives! Imagine flipping a bike without one! Kids do crazy kid things. That’s why we have these saftey things in place. All of those choking hazard warnings amount to dead children who did that. Don’t be another statistic.
OP, I don’t think ur husband understands the dangers of leaving your baby unattended.
Show him some videos of how quickly babies roll over so it can get into his head that he’s being neglectful. If he doesn’t stop, maybe you need to get custody of ur kid because your husband is gonna kill your baby through negligence. I don’t know how you let him around her
You’re NTA. He’s a giant AH. I’d say he’s being childish, but my kids would act better than that. He’s being unsafe and disrespectful. That lift could’ve injured her neck. Leaving her alone like that… What if she would’ve rolled over or a dog bumped into it? Personally, I’d suggest going to stay with a friend or family for a few days. Suggest counseling maybe
Tell his mother what a 💩 parent he is.
See if she can train him. In the meantime, put the baby in a sling and take them with you everywhere.
Sounds like he doesn’t care about his own child.
Show him this thread. Or bring him to the next doctor’s appointment and have the doctor discuss safety with him. Guarantee the doc has some awful stories to share to reinforce it. If he’s embarrassed, oh well.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/wbna7018452
I realize this article is more than 20 years old, but it really really concerns me that there’s six dogs in a house with access to a baby in a baby swing. This was in the news a lot several years ago, I’m not sure why I can’t find anything more recent.
Your husband seems to like to put people down if they do things he thinks is silly, like use smoke detectors, seat belts, life preservers. He’ll take the kid sledding by pulling the kid on a rope from his car. He probably cleans the gutters from a ladder that he’s set on top of a picnic table. In a few years he’ll take the baby for a spin on a riding mower and have no idea why the kid fell off. I’m going to go out on a limb and say there will be several trips to the emergency room, then eventually a trip to a divorce attorney.
If a babysitter did that you would fire him/her. If an in-law did that they would never be allowed alone with the infant. I have no clue how to change his behavior!
You need to have a serious talk with him, not in the moment of fear for you/embarrassment for him. Ask him what you can do to resolve these communication issues. Start off referring to them as communication, not safety as he may be more receptive to working through things. He may feel that you dont doubt that he is a protector for his child and that you arent undermining his manhood. If this works where you can determine a way to be able to communicate issues about the baby where he is receptive, then great. If not, then you may have to shift to words like safety, dangerous, injury. These are going to be trigger words for him, be prepared for immediate denial and argument. The conversation may need to be tabled and brought back up at a second meeting. It may be necessary to have a mediator. A professional may be your best bet. If anyone on either side of the family seems as if they are judging his actions, he will not be receptive.
There is a lot here to judge. Infant safety cannot be argued with. This isnt breast milk vs formula where opinions and data meet needs and support both sides and at the end of the day the child is fed and receives nutrition. This is dangerous, infant safety issues with very serious repercussions. If he is not receptive to guidance, he may need to not be alone with the baby.
Does this kind of blind ‘Im right’ ‘I know everything’ attitude show up in other areas? Has it started just after the baby was born? Sometimes men can get postbirth depression. Did he have underlying issues that were exacerbated by the pressures of the new baby? Has he seen a Dr lately? I am concerned because it just seems so outrageous that he is arguing with you over basic safety, which on the face of logic would seem to be a common goal.
I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. Do you have someone who can come and help or support you? Are you doing okay depression/adjustment-wise since the birth? Remember to take care of yourself too. Sending you hugs and congrats on the new little one! 💕🙏🐶
Does he not want her? Is he hoping for “it was an accident. She was just – in the swing, – in the bath, -on the table.”
When I was a month old (as told to me by my mother) my mother put me on a bed to change me. She then turned around to rummage in the diaper bag. She looked up a couple minutes later and I had pushed myself all the way across the bed. One or too more pushes and I would have fallen off. There is no safe period of time to leave a baby unsecured/unattended.
I’m sorry but does he want something to happen to her? Because that’s what this sounds like. Either it’s deliberate or he really just couldn’t care less
NTA
There’s a TV show called The Rookie about cops, and one of the cops who trains others often reminds the others to always do everything the right way, even if they don’t think it’s needed. Always take all the precautions and steps because then it becomes habit and you’ll automatically be doing it without even thinking about it when it does end up becoming necessary.
Strap the baby in, every damn time. That way you ensure it becomes habit and you’re less likely to forget or not do it in the future when the baby is moving around more and it’s even more important.
He needs to be taking these precautions seriously because if he waits until he thinks they’re actually needed then an accident could happen.
When my nephew was a baby, I was changing him on the couch and turned for a second without keeping my hand on him and he rolled off onto the cushions on the ground. I hadn’t realized he was moving like that yet and I still feel horrible about it years later. It happened so fast and I cant even imagine how awful that could have been from a higher surface with no padded landing. He was okay but I still feel awful and regret not making a habit of ensuring I always had a had on him no matter how safe or quick I thought it’d be.
Things happen SO FAST and those precaution seem over the top until something happens and they suddenly aren’t. It’s not worth the risk.
He’s letting his pride/ego get in the way of his child’s future safety.
Honestly if he doesn’t stop I would threaten- and follow through with reporting to police for documentation purposes. He wont want to argue with the police when they are investigating possible neglect (mishandling)
Tell your husband that he’s going to learn when his daughter learns to roll over after she falls from the perch he’s placed her on. Tell him that his willingness to watch her means that he’ll have a front-row seat to her injuries. Ask him how much he thinks she’ll appreciate hearing the cute story about how he left her to fall.
Tell him that when it happens it will leave permanent damage. Tell him that the damage will be neurological and possibly fatal.
My first time rolling over was off a bed and splitting my head open. I had stitches and everything. I still have the scar at 34 years old. Protect your child from this completely useless excuse for an adult. Its normal to want to protect your child and do things to keep them safe. Its not normal to disregard safety measures that are extremely easy to implement like using straps or supporting a newborns head. This would be leaving territory for me and I would be ringing his mom (or other family and friends)up to see if she(they) can yell some sense into him.
Um you seemed to gloss over the 6 dogs inside the house, 6 is a lot of dogs
Babies don’t issue formal announcements of their intentions to roll over. They don’t always follow the typical schedule, either .
All I can say is I don’t know how you could leave your baby anywhere around this F&@kin POS?!!! When something finally happens and it will you’re going to beat yourself up forever knowing that you had all these warning signs and didn’t do something about it! Your baby is not safe with this dumb F&@k!!! Please protect your baby I know you want to!
“When she starts rolling”
My parents told me this story about when I was a baby. They had me on the bed, and they didn’t think I could roll over yet. But I did. I rolled right over and off the bed onto the floor and started screaming. Fortunately, I wasn’t hurt, but the point is….you never know when the first time will be.
NTA