In 2006 I violated a woman’s tombstone on the way home.

I was 15 at the time and in a dark headspace and used to walk through the ghetto everyday to see this chick Sarah who I hungout with often. On the way there is a graveyard. I used to stroll through graveyards because I find them peaceful. Anyway one night I was leaving her house and walking home and had a sudden wild idea to desecrate a tombstone.

It was some woman’s grave. I pissed and defecated on it. A day or two later I was walking to go see Sarah and as I got close to the cemetery… I felt the most intense hatred and anger that I’ve ever experienced. The energy of hostility and resentment. I immediately knew that it was the person whose grave I had desecrated. I paced around in guilt and fear then entered the cemetery. I remembered exactly whose tombstone it was.

I approached it with an uneasy and nervous feeling in my gut. She was utterly enraged and rightfully so. At first I put my hands on my head trying to think of what to say so she’d stop hating me. I was just honest with her since she was obviously roaming around the graveyard and noticed me walking past so I knew she could also be aware of what I was thinking.

I poured my heart out and told her that I don’t fully understand why I did it and that I am disturbed in the head. I had genuine remorse. I told her that I would understand completely if she wanted to hate me forever. Then I told her that since it was raining that the rain should take care of what was on her headstone. I told her that I had stuff to work on mentally. I also told her that I didn’t do it out of anger or jealousy or any of that. But out of a warped kind of admiration.

I apologized over and over and said that she didn’t deserve to have her tombstone violated like that. I crossed the line. I had my head down and often looked to the sides while feeling awful. I asked her for forgiveness and then slowly turned around and left. The hatred and anger I felt coming from the cemetery had dissipated and I felt forgiven and relieved but still awful for even doing what I did.

I still think about it too this day. Wondering if she saw past my warped actions and conflicted emotions and looked at my good heart and decided that I was just lost. Maybe one day when I pass on from here I’ll get to meet her in a better place and apologize again. Or…..maybe i’ll find myself in a twisted cosmic hell dimension where I probably belong.