So my wife and I live in Toronto and we’ve got a 3-year-old daughter. Her dad lives in Asia and is gonna be in NYC next week and I suggested she go spend a couple days with him.
Cue the voice note from my mother-in-law: “Thank you so much, I know it’s going to be a lot for you to take care of [daughter], but thank you for even letting [wife] go.”
Like… what? LETTING her go? And acting like I’m doing some kind of noble favor by taking care of my own child?
The best part? When I went on a business trip to Chicago and Denver a couple of years ago, my wife held it down solo with a one-year-old and nobody was sending her goddamn thank-you notes or congratulating her for surviving.
Now I’m watching a potty-trained three-year-old for three days (which, let’s be real, is basically hanging with a weird roommate who screams sometimes), and suddenly I’m Father of the Year?
Is this kind of patronizing nonsense normal? Or do we just clap for dads doing basic parenting and shrug when moms are knee-deep in diapers?
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So my wife and I live in Toronto and we’ve got a 3-year-old daughter. Her dad lives in Asia and is gonna be in NYC next week and I suggested she go spend a couple days with him.
Cue the voice note from my mother-in-law: “Thank you so much, I know it’s going to be a lot for you to take care of [daughter], but thank you for even letting [wife] go.”
Like… what? LETTING her go? And acting like I’m doing some kind of noble favor by taking care of my own child?
The best part? When I went on a business trip to Chicago and Denver a couple of years ago, my wife held it down solo with a one-year-old and nobody was sending her goddamn thank-you notes or congratulating her for surviving.
Now I’m watching a potty-trained three-year-old for three days (which, let’s be real, is basically hanging with a weird roommate who screams sometimes), and suddenly I’m Father of the Year?
Is this kind of patronizing nonsense normal? Or do we just clap for dads doing basic parenting and shrug when moms are knee-deep in diapers?
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It is sadly normalized to patronize fathers or treat them like heroes for basic parenting. This is very very frustrating I’m sure to all the plentiful awesome dads out there doing normal parent stuff as they should. But also it’s rooted in the reality that many many households are still not equally divided in parent duties and more often than not moms are still the primary parent who take on more childcare, mental load, and household labour.
My husband has gotten annoyed because while our with our shared child if the baby cries (as babies do) often some lady will come up and see if he needs help or coo at the baby “oh no where is mom??”
When I go get my nails done, the nail tech asks every time “who is with baby while you’re here??!” I’m like.. the other parent???
I will not further the issue by praising you for doing your job as a parent or for noticing the way you and your wife are not praised equally for the same tasks. Just keep on doing as you should and call out these comments or unequal parenting practices you see when you are confronted with them.
My mom once thanked my husband for watching HIS kid. 🤨
Good for you to realize how bad women have it – that too from women in their own families.
Unfortunately, MIL has been conditioned to think that this is her daughter’s job. Next time, your MIL says something along these lines, gently suggest that you are a parent too. Parents do not need to be thanked for parenting.
Take it as offered. Your MIL is likely accustomed to a different male culture. A simple ‘Thanks, that’s how our marriage works.’ Is fine.
This is the “norm”! Women are expected to parent, men have the option. And especially for your in laws generation, the men weren’t super involved in raising kids, because you know, they were too busy providing for their families… they couldn’t be expected to ALSO parent their offspring!
Thankfully, with more and more men like yourself changing their attitudes and actually WANTING to be involved in their children’s lives, the tide is changing.
You could also explain to your MIL that you don’t need thanks for parenting your own child
Yes, this is very common. Dads are applauded for the bare minimum and women are criticized for not being good enough when they’re trying their hardest.
I mean at least you acknowledge it’s a problem. Most dads do actually think they’re heroes for “babysitting”
Unfortunately, I think it’s pretty common behaviour. I’m UK based and went to a cousins baby shower, but left my own newborn at home with their dad (I didn’t want to take away any sort of shine from the baby shower with people cooing over my little one that they don’t see regularly). When asked where Little One was by the rest of the table, I said theyre “spending some bonding
time with their daddy” and I got looked at like I grew another head. There was lots of chatter about “we’d never have that in our day” and “dad’s aren’t capable of looking after kids on their own”. As a mum and partner, I tried to defend my partner and mentioned all the help he’d given, but I think it went in one ear and out the other to them. Some people seem very adamant that only women look after kids and when dads do it, it’s either a big thing to be overly praised or something to be questioned and seen as unnatural. Strange!
I feel you OP. I always hated when I heard that kind of stuff. Or “oh you have mom duties” or “Mr Mom tonight.”
NO idiot, I am Dad. I have Dad duties tonight.
She’s not patronizing you, but she doesn’t come from an era where men did NOT do what men do now as fathers! Stop looking to victimize yourself… you need to remember that not everyone is of this generation where men get involved with the upbringing of their children.So really you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill and you should be thinking more along the lines of it’s nice of her to acknowledge that you are a selfless dad and husband … because that is not what she grew up with.
Its possible your MIL would have never been able to do something like this, so she’s very appreciative that her daughter gets a better experience.
From her generation and culture it’s not at all meant to be patronizing. She really feels you are doing something extra and is grateful to you for it. You could assure her that you are so happy to be with your own child, you love being a dad, and you’re glad that your wife is getting time with her father. But I wouldn’t show annoyance because she is surprised and grateful that you’re doing this, which is an honest reaction from her experience. She’s not trying to diminish you.
I don’t know i read this differently. I read it as MIL appreciating you watching the kids so her and her daughter can take a trip.
I thank my hubs for watching the kids when I went to a concert because it was someone I wanted to see, he thanked me for holding it down while he golfed. I just took it as being excited to have some time away and appreciating the spouse handling child care.
Canadian in IR marriage here with in-laws in Asia. Are you in an interracial or bi-cultural marriage? In-laws are Asian but you are not? My take: This is not her being patronizing. She is genuinely appreciating you for something her husband would never be willing or able to do.
I strongly encourage you to let this go and any other comments or actions that seem strange to you at first. Run your reaction by your wife and focus on keeping the peace between different points of view. If your MIL likes you then assume she is always trying to compliment you and try to receive it as such.
Don’t be to hard on your MIL she’s showing you she’s grateful. Maybe she never had help from her husband.
You mentioned Asia. I think it may have something to do with the culture.
Is your wife from Asia ethically? Then yes this is normal because in most Asian countries, patriarch is ‘normal’ so whenever they see a dad doing parenting, the dad will be celebrated because he changed the diaper once in a month.
To be honest, this is offensive to your wife more than it is to you. Such a stupid norm!
You and your spouse are clearly an excellent team and parents to boot! Although the topic is the patronizing comment from the MIL, I still love reading about these positive situations among the flood of terrible letters here.
If she mentions it again, I’d say, “She may daughter and I’m quite involved with her care. And I don’t let my wife do anything. She’s a grown woman.” I wouldn’t say it harshly, but your MIL should know you take care of your daughter too.
Good luck with the potty training!!
Im of the opposite opinion. Our jobs as parents are to raise good little humans, and it’s a thankless job. Our villages should step up and say thank you. Since we do it for dads why not just start doing it for moms too rather than stopping the praise of dads being good dads. The village should be more involved and show support. Since supported parents that feel like their doing a good job are less likely to raise ahs. And we really need less ahs. Also our villages are becoming more broken because we aren’t modeling what it takes to raise a village to the next generation.
When I first had kids my mom explained to me about an experiment that had women and men struggling with a small child and groceries while exiting a grocery store alone. Guess who were offered more assistance by strangers, the women or the men. That’s right, it was the men. I don’t think it has changed all that much. However your MIL just wanted to acknowledge the extra effort that you were making so that she could get a visit and free time with her daughter. No need to look any deeper just say, anytime!
You’re right. It’s a kinda back side of chauvinism, misogyny and just plain weirdness about how fathers are perceived.
I’ve been admonishing women for years when they make bullshit statements to me about their husbands “babysitting” for their own children while they run errands. What! It’s not babysitting!
The truth is that most women still have to do elaborate set ups so that dad can watch a child for brief periods of time. It really is terrific that you can handle a 3 year old for multiple days. Kudos to you!
My husband never watched our kids I don’t think he ever changed a diaper or spent a day with them so I think you’re wonderful too
My deadbeat husband won’t even watch our 5 year old so I can walk the dog alone. Fortunately, my 14 year old will.
Sadly, it’s generally seen as a big deal for a dad to help because many don’t.
That all being said, I do think watching the kid alone for a week is going a bit above and beyond and it was kind of your MIL to notice.
Its MIL being passive aggressive, like your wife needs our permission to visit her dad.
Sounds like her husband would have never let her leave without the kids.
What about the endless tv/movie plots about people feeling sorry for single fathers and how they must have nannies, often live in, because you know, they have to work and all. Sure don’t see that with shows about single mothers, who don’t have live in help, who also have to work, and then come home and do all the housework, etc.
It could be cultural. I am Asian and my parents are appalled that my husband is an equal partner/shares household and parenting duties. My mom is convinced my husband is gay because he makes dinner and wants to spend time with his family.
Doesn’t make it right and they should know better.
Sounds like she is encouraging your efforts.
It might be a new thing for her to experience. Might be a little awkward for her express.
Single handed, you unraveled generations of women taking all of the workload. Of children not connecting to their fathers.
For you, it’s caring for your child, as it should be. For her, it’s much more.
It’s normal, but good for you that you can see how strange it is. Most dads just eat up the praise go on thinking they are amazing for doing the bare minimum. You might notice other things, like if you take your kid out looking disheveled people think it’s sweet, if your wife does it she will get looks of disapproval. This sort of discrepancy is everywhere. You noticing it it the first sign I’ve ever seen that it might be someday corrected.
I have a great husband who is a very hands on parent. When we visit my family out of town he has always taken on a heavier load (especially when kids were little he would fix plates, change diapers, do bath and bedtime). I do the same when visiting his family.
Guess who thinks he’s the most magnificent parent who has ever lived?
That would be both sides of the family- his and mine. The bar is so low 🤦♀️
Meanwhile I work, homeschool and carry the lion’s share of the emotional workload for everyone in my house. Is anyone impressed-nope!
This is because there are many fathers that do the bare minimum when it comes to childcare. There’s a reason why this mental load continues to fall on the wives. And you’re absolutely right, why should you be congratulated for doing essentially what you committed to when you had a child. Thank you for acknowledging that and recognizing that this is a double standard that shouldn’t stand in this day and age.
This is exactly what women have been given in life for millennia. Yall get dad of the year when doing singular basic tasks we take care of 100 times over daily. It’s infuriating. Her mom felt the need to do that, not to patronize you, but bc she’s literally been trained to be “let” to do things by her own husband and to celebrate him doing minor tasks like he won a gd heisman. It’s just our job and we deserve no thanks for getting kids to adulthood to her and a LOT of other women.
Yes unfortunately it’s completely normal, but infuriating beyond belief. Dads are regularly praised for doing the bare minimum whilst Mom’s are ignored for going above and beyond. I seriously want to scream and punch people who praise my husband for “babysitting” when I go do something for myself. So does he. He’ll correct them every time by pointing out that it’s called parenting when it’s your own damn kid!
I think the MIL is just happy that her daughter gets to see her dad, and wants to acknowledge that you’re making it possible for her to do so. I wouldn’t read anything more into it.
Is it normal? Yes, unfortunately.
My friend was one of those extremely petite women who looked 15 when she was pushing 30. She and her husband both worked demanding jobs in NYC at the time they had their first child. It was back in the day of business attire and hauling your laptop to and from work. She would drop baby off at daycare as part of her morning commute, husband would pick up on his commute home. They were both using the subway.
Every day they’d compare stories after work. This tiny woman has a baby on her back, a diaper bag, a laptop bag, and a purse big enough to carry dress shoes in. People either ignored her or would make rude comments suggesting she was a teen mom. On the way home, women would offer their seat to husband, tell him what a great dad he was, play peek-a-boo with the baby, and say his wife was the luckiest woman in the world.
I don’t understand this. Both my parents were active in my childhood, but my dad was the primary parent. My mom worked a swingshift in my early childhood, so dad did the drop offs, pickups and parent teacher conferences. My teachers would be confused when my mom was able to show up because they’d never seen her before. Eventually she switched to a 9-5, but dad was still primary. He did the cooking and yard care, mom cleaned and completed home repairs.
Yeah, it’s always annoyed me when some male says they can’t do whatever because they are babysitting that night. WTF, it’s your own kid, it’s not babysitting, it’s parenting!
Sadly it is normal. You’re a good parent, not because you are a dad but because you’re a human who knows how to care for your child. You could maybe say something to MIL but unless it’s a constant issue let it go and put it down to generational ignorance
People are weird. My SO works days while work nights. For years I was made out to be some kind of neglectful mom when I occasionally missed things. Now that we are all adults, FIL is appalled that in a house full of adults, I don’t clean for and feed everyone. He is not, however, appalled that no one else volunteered when I opted out of it after 30 years.
Thank you for your service though. 😉
An alternate viewpoint: it could be that in MIL’s family (or culture), men do not take care of little kids solo like this. Maybe it’s below their station, or maybe they’re perceived as incapable or incompetent. In that case, MIL’s thanks were sincere and complimentary.
No need to downvote. It’s just another way to look at the situation.
People are crazy. My husband lived in another state for 9 months. I was on my own, two kids, a job, overloaded with volunteer stuff and kids activities.
My husband was off work so he was home and sent me on a trip with my best friend for a real break.
“Are your girlfriends dropping off food?” “Did you stock the freezer with meals?” “Hope you did a grocery order!” Funny how not a single one of those people asked him the same question when he left for 30 days, but ok.
He’s a grown man. He can feed his kids, I swear.
My MIL (husband’s mother, I’m thr wife), always sings my husband’s praises when he does literally anything with our boys. “It’s so great to see parents take care of their kids.”
I’m 8 months pregnant, he works 45+ hours a week , and I’m home with them. I obviously do a ton with them, but when dad’s home, I’m off duty (being this pregnant).
Asian culture ( my husband is Asian ) tends to commonly be the mother does the child caregiving ,household ,cooking and fathers don’t
I couldn’t do my job if my husband wasn’t as much of a parent as I am with my work travel. Men get a bad rap, either that or I am very lucky I got one of the good ones. We are equals in every sense x
I appreciate you being offended. You’re doing a good job.
Unfortunately, yes, it is normal. Im glad to see a dad who realises it’s not right to praise dad so highly for doing what he should be doing while Mum gets no thanks for the same work! It bugs me when I see people ask dad’s if they are “babysitting” or “giving mum a break” 🤬
She’s from a generation where what you’re doing is unusual. She’s probably being sincere rather than patronising.
It is the culture you are dealing with, I am guessing they are Asian?
As a mother, the bar for mother’s is somewhere out of space and the bar for fathers is in hell. So yes it’s fucking normal and I’m sick of it. My husband is a great dad but I want the same amount of compliments he gets !
Settle down this may be a cultural language barrier. Take the thank you and chill
I doubt your MIL meant to be patronizing. She was likely being appreciative that you were willing to watch your daughter so your wife could visit her dad. I don’t know how old she is or what her marriage is like but my dad didn’t watch us kids. If my mom visited anyone she took us with her. My husband didn’t stay with our kids alone the two times I left to visit family. I’d guess your MIL was genuinely grateful you were fine with your wife leaving for a few days. I’ve heard numerous men refer to watching their own children as “babysitting” through the years. Even in 2025-“I’m babysitting Sue’s kids while she’s at the grocery store.” They don’t even acknowledge the kids are theirs too!
It should be normal for dads to take care of their children, but it’s often not. And when you throw cultural differences into the mix, it can get a bit strange.
Take the win, though. Your MIL thinks you are a wonderful son in law. She’s probably astonished (in a very positive way) at how amazing a husband and father you are. It’s more telling about her own experiences than anything, but she does seem to think her daughter is lucky to have you, and it’s very nice to be appreciated by one’s in-laws.
I was talking with someone about my youngest son. He’s married, they have a daughter who is 1 1/2. He’s a teacher, so now he’s home for a few months. Someone asked if I’d be stepping up to take care of her. I just stared at them for a moment and asked why my son wouldn’t be taking care of his own child?? That’s his daughter. Of course he will be parenting her. He’s not a hero, he’s a parent. It will take time but I think we can slowly wear down this mind set.
Yes, you are reading that correctly!
How old is your mil? I know that in a lot of older generation families that it was unheard of for the wife to travel anywhere without getting permission from their husband’s, or for the husband’s to even take part in childcare, let alone do it by themselves.
Women couldn’t even own a credit card in their own name until 1974. They basically had to have their husband’s permission for almost everything.
I’m genx, and was 2 years old when women were finally given the right to have their own credit cards.
Not all, but some boomer couples still hold this mentality.
I have heard a lot of stories about older people coming up to men out with their children and asked how they got roped into babysitting.
I do see your point. You’re what we wish normal would be. But sadly, you’re more of the hero minded as the norms of society go.
It could be your mil just wanted to compliment you. Her way of saying you are appreciated. I thank my kid here and there for being the great parent that they are. Because it is a choice. Congratulations to you that you are the good parent that you are. Now you know that your mil notices your efforts.
Unfortunately it’s normal. I think you have a chance to break this nonsense with how you, and your wife, rear your child.
In the future, be sure to be your wife’s biggest cheerleader! Send her notes expressing your love and appreciation for all she does, send her flowers, go on dates. Plan dates like picnics, day trips, bike rides, etc for all 3 of you together. You’re right. The tally boards are uneven for moms and dads.
I was in the ICU for 2 weeks after giving birth. My husband had to do the first few infant check ups by himself. You would have thought those damn nurses were seeing God himself. A DAD?! Coming in all by himself, with a NEWBORN. *GASP*
When I was finally well enough to go along to a visit, the nurse said “oh… nice to finally meet you mom. It isn’t often we know Dad and not you” (then she ROLLED HER EYES AT ME).
Dad’s are JUST AS IMPORTANT as MOMS and MOMS deserve JUST AS MUCH PRAISE as Dad’s.
It sounds like your kiddo is going to grow up in a happy, healthy, loving home
This is one of those times you get to ask “oh, why?” at each remark over and over again, forcing her to explain herself at great length, until it finally dawns on her that she’s being not just sexist but utterly ridiculous.
but you are a man!!!! it must be annoying and sooooo hard! /s
yeah it’s crazy to think some people (and buy some I mean a lot of people) think like that! that’s partly what allow some guy to behave the way they do too…
it reminded me of someone I knew and reconnected with few years later and since I was trying to organise a gathering/party , I asked if she would be open to join, her answer was yeah right and who would take care of the kids! me thinking eeeeeeuh your bf/husband , they are not even babies or toddlers . he can’t take care of them one evening where most of it they will be asleep??? 8)
your post made me laugh so thanks for that and yeah you are right you are the dad there is nothing special or heroic here!
My husband would get so mad when people would do this to him or assume he didn’t know how to take care of our boys. My mom never acted that way with my husband, but my dad was up feeding me the 2am bottle while I leave on paternity leave. Not usual for his generation. Meanwhile, my husband changed a diaper and his mother thinks he’s father of the year, his dad was totally hands off with 5 kids. In some cases, it’s an expectation of the generation plus their experience with their own parents and spouses.
My own parents are like this. It’s deeply rooted sexism. Damaging to both moms and dads.
Please know that their comment comes from a place of love and gratitude, they are not trying to belittle you, they are trapped in their sexist traditions. It’s probably too late to change their perspective, but we can do better with the next generation. ❤️
Welcome to the Patriarchy! Thanks for recognising it. (And I do realise sometimes it comes down hard on men themselves: Do not cry about it, that’s not allowed.) But thanks for calling it out. Men need to do that more often.
It can be a problem in some marriages. The man lives a single life for years and then the minute he marries/becomes a dad,he forgets how to clean a toilet or dish and can’t remember which end of the baby the diaper goes on. There is a subreddit called weaponized incompetence,check it out. Your MIL was thanking you for stepping up instead of making your wife take the child along,so she could have an adult visit with her dad,likely she never would have gotten that from her own marriage. Thank you for changing marriage and parenthood for your wife. I think you might be surprised how many of your peers don’t do what you are doing. Hope you had a fun weekend with your ‘strange roommate’. 3 year olds can be puzzling,but a lot of fun.
My Mom was like that with my ex. It was a generational thing. Now my Italian Dad that was another thing. He never thought my ex did enough and I did too much lol. Yes my Mom was Italian too. They were born in 1913 & 1914 adopted me at 45. Became Grandparents at 79 for the first time.
I rolled my eyes at Mom.
Reading about some of these other Dads they still need a lot of catching up to you though.
It’s just old school thinking…. She can’t help it, that’s how old school rolls. Lol, just tell her you love taking care of her and it’s no sweat.
Even 30 years ago, you rarely saw dad’s with strollers. I know because I was there. Your MIL is old school. No big.
you are such a good dad
This song always makes me laugh. Too close for comfort.
Unfortunately, it is normal. Encouraged by some dads, who call parenting ‘babysitting’
I love your attitude! Men need to stop being congratulated for doing the basics it’s so lame! Definitely encourages weaponized incompetence! Thank you for not being a lame dad!