TLDR; my sister blocked me in February. She hasn’t allowed me to talk to her to figure out what I did wrong or repair our relationship. She’s getting married in December. Am I the asshole if I don’t go?
For context, I (27f) and my sister (25f) grew up very close. However, I’ve always been more of the pushover in the relationship. She tends to be a bit of a bully and prides herself on her “I’m not nice” attitude. She cannot have conversations with me if we have a differing opinion. I have to pretend to agree or not talk to her at all. February was her birthday. I was at work and texted her happy birthday. I asked what she and her fiancé had planned to celebrate. Well, work got busy. I forgot to go back and look at our messages. I work 12 hour shifts. 6 in a row. 2 days off. Rotating days and nights. My job is demanding. And I have 3 kids. I’m a single mom. I don’t have my phone in my hands 24/7. She is a stay at home girlfriend without kids. She can stay on her phone all day. After her birthday I got sick. My ex-husband had the kids and I slept for 2 days. I took NyQuil and slept. My body needed the rest. When I got back to work I got a text from her stating that I was problem and that I needed to learn how to treat people or I would end up alone. She told me I needed to take accountability. This confused me, but I realized I didn’t text her back. I know it hurt her feelings. So I went to text back ready to just apologize profusely. Well I was blocked. On every social media account. She even had her fiancé block me. They live states away so I cant just show up at her house and ask her to talk to me.
I was not even asked to be in the wedding. Which was fine. It was her choice and I didn’t mention at all that my feelings were hurt. Her wedding, her rules. I was there to be supportive. She’s having her high school friend and her male best friend as her maid/man of honor.
The wedding is also out of town. So far out of town that I would have to book a plane ticket to attend. As a single mom just a couple of weeks before Christmas I was going to have to invest in attending this wedding. Again, I was on board.
After blocking me, she has been in town. She went dress shopping with my mom and our other sister. No one told me. I wasn’t invited. I found out by accident when my other sister spilled the beans about the experience. Ouch.
She blocks me periodically when we have little spats. I’ve learned that she will eventually unblock me on a random account (like Snapchat chat) and wait for me to notice and try to add her back. If I take too long to notice she gets mad.
People in my family don’t really have weddings. Her wedding was going to be my first real wedding. I was excited to support her. Now I’m wondering if she even still wants me there. I feel like she’ll be angry if I don’t go, but I don’t even know if I’m still invited. I don’t want to miss such a big event over something so silly. I don’t know what to do. So am I the asshole if I choose not to go? Thanks in advance.
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Backup of the post’s body: TLDR; my sister blocked me in February. She hasn’t allowed me to talk to her to figure out what I did wrong or repair our relationship. She’s getting married in December. Am I the asshole if I don’t go?
For context, I (27f) and my sister (25f) grew up very close. However, I’ve always been more of the pushover in the relationship. She tends to be a bit of a bully and prides herself on her “I’m not nice” attitude. She cannot have conversations with me if we have a differing opinion. I have to pretend to agree or not talk to her at all. February was her birthday. I was at work and texted her happy birthday. I asked what she and her fiancé had planned to celebrate. Well, work got busy. I forgot to go back and look at our messages. I work 12 hour shifts. 6 in a row. 2 days off. Rotating days and nights. My job is demanding. And I have 3 kids. I’m a single mom. I don’t have my phone in my hands 24/7. She is a stay at home girlfriend without kids. She can stay on her phone all day. After her birthday I got sick. My ex-husband had the kids and I slept for 2 days. I took NyQuil and slept. My body needed the rest. When I got back to work I got a text from her stating that I was problem and that I needed to learn how to treat people or I would end up alone. She told me I needed to take accountability. This confused me, but I realized I didn’t text her back. I know it hurt her feelings. So I went to text back ready to just apologize profusely. Well I was blocked. On every social media account. She even had her fiancé block me. They live states away so I cant just show up at her house and ask her to talk to me.
I was not even asked to be in the wedding. Which was fine. It was her choice and I didn’t mention at all that my feelings were hurt. Her wedding, her rules. I was there to be supportive. She’s having her high school friend and her male best friend as her maid/man of honor.
The wedding is also out of town. So far out of town that I would have to book a plane ticket to attend. As a single mom just a couple of weeks before Christmas I was going to have to invest in attending this wedding. Again, I was on board.
After blocking me, she has been in town. She went dress shopping with my mom and our other sister. No one told me. I wasn’t invited. I found out by accident when my other sister spilled the beans about the experience. Ouch.
She blocks me periodically when we have little spats. I’ve learned that she will eventually unblock me on a random account (like Snapchat chat) and wait for me to notice and try to add her back. If I take too long to notice she gets mad.
People in my family don’t really have weddings. Her wedding was going to be my first real wedding. I was excited to support her. Now I’m wondering if she even still wants me there. I feel like she’ll be angry if I don’t go, but I don’t even know if I’m still invited. I don’t want to miss such a big event over something so silly. I don’t know what to do. So am I the asshole if I choose not to go? Thanks in advance.
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Make your own plans- protect your space- be happy and don’t entertain her drama. You can treat her the same way she treats you- she set the precedent (treat others how you want to be treated). Just continue with your life and the people around you who make you happy
This sounds like a messy relationship. If you really aren’t contributing anything passive aggressive, and she’s still behaving this way, then I wouldn’t be putting effort into the relationship anymore. But if your other family members are also contributing to this dynamic I know that can be a really difficult situation to manage. I’d recommend researching the grey rock method of dealing with toxic behaviour.
Don’t play her games. Don’t go.
NTA. Have you even gotten an invitation?
NTA – Toxic sister.
She’s a drama queen. You DO NOT NEED her validation. Live your best life without this drama. Just let her be, no need to give her so much attention.
Personally I would not go. The behaviour of your sister is toxic as fuck. This is a mind game a 15 year would play.
I totally understand that you would love to be there. But you know, you will lose what ever you do. You go, you don’t take her blocking you seriously. you don’t go, you don’t care about her.
What ever you do you will be the bad one.
Just don’t engage at all. Don’t engage if she unblocks you. Don’t engage if she wants to talk to you. She will always be the victim and you will always be the bad guys.
Sorry but you have so much on your plate. Taking care of your b sister should not be one of the things.
Tight hugs from one stranger to another
NTA. I mean clearly she’s blocked you so this is me I’m going to question are you even invited to the wedding? Although I’m confused about the one statement where you say you guys don’t live in the same state and that she states away but then you mentioned that she’s having her wedding out of town which will require you to take a plane. Well when did you have to take a plane instead of a car either way since she lives in a different state based off your statements. Also since she’s in a different state and the wedding is not in your area and you guys aren’t that close why would she make you part of her wedding party anyway?
NTA. Stop setting yourself on fire for her. Until she can use actual words and have empathy, let her stew in her own mean juices.
Sounds like she is going to be mad at you whether or not you go, so why deal with all the BS just to be yelled at again.
Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep your sister warm.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like she has invited you to the wedding. Yet. If you don’t receive an invitation directly from her then don’t go. Showing up uninvited would give her an excuse to cause an embarrassing scene in front of everybody.
If she invites you, go. You’ve got 6 months to save for the plane ticket and arrange for your ex to take the kids as long as you can be home for Christmas. You go to keep the door open on your end, not to have a relationship with your sister but to claim your place and your kids’ place in the extended family.
If she doesn’t invite you, that’s on her. You save the plane fare! Use it to take your kids on a weekend trip. In either case. buy a nice gift within your budget and wish her well.
When I got married in my early 20s, one side of my family had been ostracizing my parents and us kids for almost a decade. I invited every last one of them to my wedding. Some didn’t show but most sent gifts. Within 5 years, my cousin (from the family that started the ostracizing) invited all of us to her wedding. We all went and eventually mended the feud. I still believe that my own gesture of welcome started the ball rolling. Don’t be like your sister. Be the better person.
But do not ask her to add you back. Don’t contact her. Don’t ask her about the wedding. Wait to see what SHE does. Then decide.
NTA and Dump them all! Every single enabler of her bad behaviour. I don’t understand why your sister and mom would go along with that. It’s honestly so sad. Sending hugs 🤗
This is like my older sister. She gets super mad over some idea that she has in her head (a conversation is always a minefield because she just rips something random out of context and blows her lid), creates a scandal and then blocks the person who “offended her”, only to later unblock them and then act like nothing happened.
I don’t talk to her anymore. I’m not invited to her birthdays and such and I’m fine with that. You don’t need that kind of stress in your life, tbh. Why go to someone’s wedding who didn’t even invite you and has you blocked just for some weird power trip?
Don’t feed into the drama. Enjoy your peace & don’t go.
She’s a psycho and you’ll never be able to anticipate what sets her off. Please have more respect for yourself then adding her back and rewarding her shitty behavior.
Stop playing her games, you have more then enough going on in your own life. Consider this a win, the money you would have wasted attending her wedding can now be used for more important things. DO NOT go groveling after her, that’s exactly what she expects.
The test of your family sucks too. No one even told you they were in town? It’s not even about dress shopping but they could have stopped by to say hello. Forget that.
Just stop playing this game. This is not a healthy relationship. It never has been.
Leave her to her nonsense ánd when she reaches out, SHE needs to take accountability and apologise ánd YOU need to grow a backbone and tell her that you will not resume a relationship with her until she can learn to be an adult.
Why in h*ll would you want to go to the wedding of a sister who had the nerve to not only block you for such a minor thing, but has since excluded you from all activities related to the wedding. Count yourself lucky that you no longer have to endure your spilled brat of a sister’s fits of pique and have a lovely and less expensive holiday season. I would have suggested that you use the money you’ll save to visit the rest of the family but since they seem to be on board with her disgraceful treatment of you I think you should ditch them too.
I wouldn’t go because she also loudly saying she doesn’t care about her nephews and I would question your mother too. This is a novel event in your realm and it’s not right. You’ll go to her next wedding?
She sounds like a child…don’t go and don’t chase her..let her have her little tantrum all alone and if anyone says anything to you about her not talking to you tell them “omg I didn’t even notice – being that I’m a single mother that works full time I really don’t have time to cater to someone else’s tantrum”
Just go on with your life and enjoy her taking out the trash for you 😉
Why does it bother you so much? Me? I would be planning a trip to Tahiti during her wedding weekend. I don’t see you losing anything. I think you are wasting more energy trying to “figure it out”. Let it go.
If you really want to filter it out…hand write her a letter – spelling out all the hurt and everything. Then, burn it. If all of it doesn’t burn – glance at what stayed behind and burn it until it is all ash. Wait a day or two and write another letter and then, burn that. Keep doing it until there is nothing left to write. Very cathartic.
And, if anyone in the family asks about the wedding – pretend that you worked it all out. Deflect. And, just don’t plan on going. Nothing really lost. Truly. It is her loss.
And, don’t go especially if you get a last minute invite – that means she was pressured into it and will hate having been forced for “family’s sake”. Best to stay away.
And, give her a restaurant gift card as a gift but, make sure the closest one is at least a two hour drive away.
Take care of yourself.
Isn’t it just exhausting to deal with her though?
Seeing as how she has, you blocked. It would be inappropriate to go to her wedding.
Stop letting her treat you like shit every time she has a tantrum over something minor.
Don’t go and don’t go looking to re-add her when she unblocks you.
Live your life and still talk to the family that doesn’t treat you like you are disposable when they don’t get what they want. She cut you off and you should let her.
She’s going to find a reason to be upset anyway so let her just be miserable on her own
Updateme
12 hour shifts 6 days a week? You don’t have time to be anything but an employee. OMG you poor thing.
Your family is all kinds of messed up if they think you’re the one who needs to apologize. For what exactly? Working and living a normal life?
NTA. But honestly? You need to stop chasing someone who clearly gets off on holding you at arm’s length. She’s not a victim, she’s a grown woman throwing petty tantrums and playing power games with your relationship. Blocking you, icing you out of dress shopping, having people pick sides that’s not ‘family stuff,’ that’s toxic behavior.
And you’re out here bending over backwards, apologizing for things you didn’t even do wrong, begging to be included in a wedding you’re not even sure you’re invited to? Girl, stop. You don’t owe her your money, time, or peace of mind. If she wants a relationship, she knows where to find you and until then, stop carrying the guilt for someone else’s bad attitude.
You’d be doing yourself a huge favor by letting her sit in whatever petty little power trip she’s on and focusing on your kids and your life. Don’t let her drama steal your joy.
She’s emotionally abusing you and isolating you and your other siblings and mother are allowing it and participating it.
Block her on everything and be done and do not go to the wedding.
She did NOT invite you. And you have more things to worry about
NTA. You’re just being jerked around. Block her back and look for people who allow for different opinions and actually value you. She can stay mad as long as she’s away from you.
Your mom and older sister have sided with your sister . Time to forget about them like they did you
Drop the rope. You must be exhausted. She plays games and she can’t play if you stop playing. Just move on. Is this something and someone you want in your life if this is what she thinks acceptable treatment is?
Updateme
Your sister sounds exhausting, I think I’d only put in the energy that she does. If you don’t get an invite, don’t go. If you do get an invite, remember that it’s an invitation, not a summons. Your call if you think it’s worth the money you would spend. After not being invited dress shopping, I think you’re totally justified not going.
NTA. I wouldn’t go. Only because she sounds super exhausting and like she wouldn’t give two shits if you’re there anyway. Personally, I don’t believe in giving horrible people access to my time or effort.
I agree with others who have said don’t go, it’s not just the cost of travel, there’s accommodation and eating out while there and who knows if you’ll even feel welcome. If you want to maintain a relationship going forward, send a nice card and cash gift you can afford. If you don’t care anymore, send just a congratulatory card and leave it at that.
Your sister doesn’t sound mature enough to be getting married
Nta. Your sister is abusive and manipulative. Stop dancing to her tune. Ignore her back. As a single mom, you have more important things to stress over
Don’t go and don’t send a gift. She blocked you. Let her stay blocked. She sounds exhausting.
Updateme!
Does she treat everyone like this or just you? I can imagine her and fiance arguing about something dumb & she goes off blocking him on everything lol
Why do you want to keep a mean-spirited bully in your life.
Stop being her doormat.
Don’t go.
Don’t apologize.
Don’t keep engaging in the drama.
Stop chasing after someone who only wants a relationship with you when it’s on their terms at all times.
Your sister sounds like a toxic bully! Honestly cutting her out of your life really isn’t going to cause you any damage. She sounds awful.
So every time you don’t act like the world revolves around her she gets her feelings hurt and blocks you. Then when she thinks she has punished you long enough she unblocks you and you come crawling back for another serving of disrespect? Blocking goes both ways. I suggest you make yours permanent as I sincerely doubt you’re getting much out of this relationship.
Love, it sounds like you barely have the emotional bandwith available to handle your own family (you and the kids) let alone have bandwith to spare to deal with this drama llama of a sister.
She lives out of state. She continously manipulates and bullies you. Because she’s got you trained to keep coming back for more.
So stop doing that. Easier said than done, but the distance helps here. Doesn’t matter if she hissy fits visits your mother and does family stuff with your mom and other siblings. Screw the bully.
Look up what Grey Rocking is. That’s how you’ll treat her from now on. She’s on low contact if not outright no contact. If mom or other siblings mention her, be indifferent about it. Don’t engage. Change the subject, walk away, whatever.
Block her on anything you can that she hasn’t already also blocked you.
Just live your life, invest in making good core memories with your kids. If you know when the marriage is supposed to happen, make sure you’re away for the day with the kids. Go do something fun.
Why worry about going to her wedding or worrying about her? She seems so toxic ,i wouldn’t give her a second thought
Be more like her and be the mean one to her. NTA it’s ok to let go of toxic people.
OP, you’re in a lose-lose situation here. If you do everything she wants the way she wants it, she will just keep raising the bar on her ridiculousness.
Let her be angry and play games (ie, unblock you ok one social media platform and wait for you to notice). If she unblock you and you happen to notice, block her instead.
Believe me, when it settles in that there is less drama in your life, it will be a blessing.
NTA. Your sister is manipulative and your family enables her. Personally I’d just stay blocked and go LC with her because she’s toxic. Punishing loved ones every time things don’t go exactly her way is ridiculous.
Your sister is emotionally abusive
NTA – Wow, your sisters are astoundingly emotionally immature
Do not play those bullshit games where your sister unblocks you and waits for you to message her.
All you’re doing is letting them know they can emotionally manipulate you. Is that really the relationship you want to have with them?
Op
Your sister sounds tiring sorry but I’m not sure you need her in your life.
Why are you here asking for judgement if you are just willing to be your sister’s punching bag? This is pointless
/updateme
Who needs such a self centred person in your life? I certainly wouldn’t be fighting for that privilege.
She didn’t even ask why you didn’t text. Like it never occurred to her self centred brain that you could be unwell just went to I’m not the most important person in your life so block block.
I would be NC with her and LC with your mother and sister. Sounds like they all pander to her because she is a raging B1+ch.
Concentrate on yourself and your kids.
If she does pop up and scream you didn’t attend her wedding, well boo hoo I wasn’t invited.
I hope you’re feeling better.
What is wrong with your mother and sister there behavior is totally wrong. I’d go no contact.
These tantrums continue because you give oxygen to them. I know someone adults who engage in tantrums. They expect an audience and try to puck fights on purpose to keep them looking. Grey Rocking is excellent as a response. You don’t engage. Make non committal noises at most, but just look disinterested and bored, walk away and don’t pay attention to them. Ignore and act like they are not even there. They expect people to come running after them and pay attention. Don’t do that. Leave her to make the first move, and if she isn’t willing to be nice and be constructive in the relationship, ignore her. Put the ball in her court, she can drive herself crazy with her tantrums, eventually she will drive everyone away. Don’t play her games anymore. If you don’t go to the wedding, just wait until photos appear on social media snd say it looked like a lovely day and congratulate her. Don’t say anything else. If she starts talking to you again, dont talk about not bring there, grey rock. If she brings it up, just just say OK and move onto another topic. Don’t let her see that anything bothers you. That is what she is aiming for
Fuck this nonsense, don’t stress your budget for someone who expects you to eat shit and smile.
EAH I say this because she is 27 and acting like a 5 year old who is a spoiled brat. And you are because she is like that and you have enabled and encouraged her to continue to behave like that because you not only tolerate it, you apologize all over the place when she gets mad at you for reasons she made up in her head. This is normal life for you and your family, but surely you are old enough to realize this is not how normal adults behave.
Get a spine and stop putting up with her crap. This time make her come to you and beg you for forgiveness. And if she doesn’t, you’re better off without her based on what you’ve written, her behavior is only good towards you provided that you do exactly what she says, and don’t contradict her.
You deserve better than that. I certainly wouldn’t go to the wedding of somebody who blocked me.
NTAH…sis is a diva. She is still a bully and all the blocking is to control you. Does she treat you the same way she expects you to treat her? She has too much power over you. Put your energy into yourself and your kids.
I’d just go NC with her.
No one needs crazy in their life.
You will find out if you are still invited when (if) you receive an actual wedding invitation, probably in September or October. If you do, you can figure your sister is speaking to you again and decide for yourself whether she’s worth the bother. If you don’t get an official invitation (ideally on paper—serious, heavy paper/card, beautifully printed, but I suppose these days it might be something virtual) then the problem is solved. You don’t go.
She’s been manipulating you for years, block her back and enjoy your peace.
I don’t think of it that way. I thought when I responded that her sister wouldn’t respond well. By blocking her she wouldn’t have to see her comments.
You need to stop being a doormat for your sister. She has some serious emotional problems. If she does this over a text then just forget her and get on with your life. She expects you to beg and apologize but don’t because you didn’t do anything wrong. Does your sister have BPD? I had an aunt who was bipolar and she did this all the time to my Mom. Finally, after the last blow up when she tried to contact my Mom, my Mom told her that she didn’t want anymore contact. Your sister will keep doing this to you if you let her.
She has main character syndrome. Just leave her on read if she ever unblocks you. You live your best life. Let her spend hers whining and acting entitled.
So your mom and other sister co-sign this behavior? Neither one of them told you about dress shopping beforehand? They don’t think it’s ridiculous for her to block you for months because you didn’t cater to her ego? Doesn’t sound like any of them treat you with respect, if that’s the case.
Please hear me when I say that your sister is emotionally abusing you. The “block her then unblock her and get mad when she doesn’t notice” is an excuse she creates so she can act like you are victimizing her. Inviting your mother and sister dress shopping is deliberately cruel. Be honest: haven’t all of them always treated you like an outsider? Because I can’t imagine family member allowing another to exclude a sibling.
Take her blocking you as a gift. Block her back and move on wih your life. And please talk to a therapist. I think there’s a lot of pain inflicted by your family that you need to process.
You may not be TA but you are a doormat if you continue to let her have these tantrums and hold her accountable by setting boundaries and consequences.