I’ve been seeing someone exclusively since February. Overall it’s going great. But we’re disagreeing on how to handle exes, and it’s making me question how secure I feel in this relationship.
Here’s an example: He had a brief fling with a woman around the holidays. He then made it clear to her (before we met) that he just wanted to be friends. After we started dating (and she knew he had a girlfriend) she was messaging him about how she loved him (on our first day of a holiday, that she knew about) and how she wanted to meet up again. He has shown me the messages too.
The first time it happened, I made it clear I found it inappropriate and I was upset by it. He didn’t call her out, just deflected or didn’t respond.
The second time, she got upset and blocked him. I told him that wasn’t the end of it, and she would contact him again.
The third time (which I was right about), she requested to meet up. Specifically she said, ‘I want to see you, and I want you to see me now’.
At this point, I feel like she’s acting in a way that’s disrespectful to me and to our relationship. I shared that I wanted him to tell her as much, and cut contact (including via social media). He refuses to, saying that she’s a loose cannon, might be stalker type, and he just wants to ignore her until she gets the message. He at one point said that maybe he would see her in the future too, and thinks I’m just being insecure.
Look, I am friends with some exes – but they are kind and respectful to me and to my current relationship. I am just deeply bothered by his unwillingness to respect my feelings and set boundaries.
Any advice? He’s amazing otherwise, but I’m wondering if this is a pattern that might keep happening if we continue.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I’ve been seeing someone exclusively since February. Overall it’s going great. But we’re disagreeing on how to handle exes, and it’s making me question how secure I feel in this relationship.
Here’s an example: He had a brief fling with a woman around the holidays. He then made it clear to her (before we met) that he just wanted to be friends. After we started dating (and she knew he had a girlfriend) she was messaging him about how she loved him (on our first day of a holiday, that she knew about) and how she wanted to meet up again. He has shown me the messages too.
The first time it happened, I made it clear I found it inappropriate and I was upset by it. He didn’t call her out, just deflected or didn’t respond.
The second time, she got upset and blocked him. I told him that wasn’t the end of it, and she would contact him again.
The third time (which I was right about), she requested to meet up. Specifically she said, ‘I want to see you, and I want you to see me now’.
At this point, I feel like she’s acting in a way that’s disrespectful to me and to our relationship. I shared that I wanted him to tell her as much, and cut contact (including via social media). He refuses to, saying that she’s a loose cannon, might be stalker type, and he just wants to ignore her until she gets the message. He at one point said that maybe he would see her in the future too, and thinks I’m just being insecure.
Look, I am friends with some exes – but they are kind and respectful to me and to my current relationship. I am just deeply bothered by his unwillingness to respect my feelings and set boundaries.
Any advice? He’s amazing otherwise, but I’m wondering if this is a pattern that might keep happening if we continue.
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She “might be a stalker” but he said that maybe he would see her in the future? 🥴 come on. That’s nonsensical.
He enjoys the attention from her. He will absolutely never block her.
Personally, I wouldn’t move forward with someone like that. You’re not being controlling, your own boundaries with your exes is a pretty healthy example but he can’t (won’t) match that. Not worth it.
Gurl please, forget about boundaries with her, set them with him now, by walking away, no contact.
Hes keeping some ho3 on the side as a friend? Im.no, hes keeping a sleezey little back up plan and using you as a placeholder. Men who love you, don’t play games like this.
They prioritize you, and they never act disrespectful like that.
And stop with the…
But I can change him.
Ooo, please show me how to make him pick me!
Or, what can I do without breaking up with him bs.
Hes already proven you are nothing abs no one to show respect to.
Walk before you waste more time, beauty and sex on this loser a$$ cheater.
Sounds like he’s marriage material..
It’s not even been a year. You’ve explained to him that this makes you very uncomfortable but he just dismisses your concerns and allows it to continue. I agree with others that he’s enjoying the attention which is more important to him than your feelings and the stability of your relationship. The amount of amazingness he possesses can’t offset the fact that he’s more interested in keeping this person in his life than he is in ensuring his current partner feels secure in their relationship.
Her behavior is concerning but he doesn’t care. It’s 4 months in. He’s already shown you how willing he is to disregard your feelings in favor of someone he hardly knows. I’d walk, personally.
My advice? Find a guy willing to block a woman he had a brief fling with who is overstepping the boundaries.
He would block her if he wasn’t interested in her attention. You already have a pattern. She’s a “loose cannon” but “He would see her in the future”?
He’s right; you’re insecure. But you’re insecure in the context of this relationship. You’re insecure because you are not emotionally safe with him. That’s healthy and normal. “Yes, Mr. Wonderful. I’m insecure because you aren’t ready for an exclusive relationship or you would have blocked this pushy woman already. I would be secure in a relationship where my BF wasn’t taking messages from someone trying to get back with him.”
You’ve only known him a few months. It’s too early to call someone “amazing,” especially when you’ve already found out he has loose boundaries and is willing to blame you for being insecure when he isn’t demonstrating he’s trustworthy about setting boundaries and keeping them.
It’s not you. It’s him. Don’t overvalue him. Everyone is amazing in the first few months, until this shady side comes out. He’s shown you what he is.
He has no problem setting boundaries for himself. What you’re going to have to acknowledge is that he doesn’t choose to set boundaries that are important to you. Why? Because you are not all that important to him.
He’s pegged you as a woman who will complain about his behavior but still stick around to be a victim to it. Are you that woman?
Your boyfriend is the problem, not her. By not setting boundaries, making it clear he has no interest in her, he is keeping himself open to her advances. If he were that amazing of a boyfriend, he would proudly tell her he is in a relationship now and not interested in seeing her and he done with it.
He can cut her off or you cut him off. It’s not hard.
Ohhh girl.
He’s enjoying this attention. A good man would have blocked her before you having to ask. If he isn’t already sleeping with her, he’s about to.
Leave him. He likes the attention. Disagree with your suggestion..red flag girl. Run…
Hahahahha! Sorry, not sorry. He’s not done with her. He could easily handle it and he’s playin. Don’t talk yourself into some nonsense. He is playing. And you know it.
Nope nope nopetopus.
I’ve gotten the trickle-truth thing about a “friend”/ex and it’s not worth the drama and the blows to your self-esteem.
Thats too much drama for a 4 month relationship.
And if he cant make it know to her, that he doesn’t want anything to do with her, thats she needs to stop or he is going to file charges and block her everywhere, he is not the one. He probably is loooooooving the attention. Otherwise why let it fester.
Do you see yourself going through this another 4 months, 4 years, the rest of your life??? He is not worth it.
You’ve let this dude disrespect you at every turn and you still call him boyfriend. Have some self-respect and find someone who isn’t a shady loser.
You have not been together that long. I would not make demands, just sit back and let it play out. How he ultimately handles it will tell you what you need to know.
This kind of deflection will become a regular thing. Unless he owns it and works through it, he will always be the kind of person to ‘keep the peace’ or ‘I’m just going with the flow’ even if it’s hurting you. This is because he can’t sit with being uncomfortable.
He’s keeping his options open.
Your bf is disrespecting you by not putting the kibash on this gal. He’s had many opportunities to do the right thing; he’s refused to do it.
She’s an ego boost to him. And a solid BackupGirlfriend – So he’s not going to cut her off.
Turn this guy loose.
Show him you not only have self-respect, you have personal standards and he’s just not up to your standards.
She can have him.
He likes the ego boost more than respecting you
Not only is this for me fling disrespecting your relationship, your BF is too. He should have shut her down immediately after her first attempt and blocked her.
She already harassing him. If she’s a stalker, she’ll do that whether he blocks her or not.
It seems he likes the attention. You’ve only been together a few months and he’s already showing you he cares more about her feelings than yours.
He likes the attention. Do not play that game. I’ve been there and from my experience, it’s all ego. Put up those boundaries now and leave if he breaks it.
You mean “old boyfriend”
My advice: Never stay with a man who enjoys the attention of women that much that he isn’t willing to set boundaries.
Because this won’t be the last women he fails to set boundaries with. The next one might come in a year or ten. And every time this happens, he will say that you are insecure and jealous instead of realising that he is the one with a problem.
He’s showing you he doesn’t care, listen and get rid of him. Don’t waste any more of your time
If she knows he has a girlfriend and is still texting him, that’s trashy. Him entertaining it and not blocking her also a red flag. Ignoring isn’t enough, he needs to completely cut her off. My advice, find a better man
The bottom line is that you told him how you feel and what you need, and he said no. You probably need to set your own boundary with him and be prepared to walk away if he still makes you feel unheard.
If it were me, I think I’d say: I don’t like the way you’ve handled this situation, especially after I told you how it makes me feel. This also doesn’t give me confidence about how you will respond to other women who reach out to you in the future. If you think someone is stalking you you should go to the police. If you just want to keep stringing her along, no one is stopping you from being single. But stringing her along while telling me she might be dangerous is thoughtless at best. I need you to take some time to think about what you really want, because I want a partner who is assertive about turning women down when he is with me.