Listening to how he talks about other women is one of the most important early things you can do. Are all the women he goes to school or works with sluts, bitches, and so on? Walk away.
they’ll dismiss your feelings, get frustrated at the smallest of things, shift the blame on you if you bring up any concerns, not take accountability for his actions and give half assed apologies without change, slowly try to have control over you, make you feel less than, the list goes on and on
I was deeply in love, and we hadn’t been dating long, perhaps a few months, and I said something to him as we were driving along and he got angry, and began to jerk the car around the street. I sat, silent, shocked….I saw him pull himself into check, but I knew then he had a temper and to be alert. He never hit me, he never laid a hand on me. But I heard stories about his temper from his ex, so I knew but clearly he was trying to change.
Moving too quickly/pushing for commitment…love bombing….jealousy….snide/deprecating remarks….minimizing his bad behaviour…not wanting you to see friends/family…
Has a temper. has the ability to raise his voice at the small things. Wall punching. Shuts down all your ideas or mocks them. Lies for things they don’t need to lie about. Their default is to push down rather than to help raise up
The inability, or refusal, to accept your saying no to them, or to respect your boundaries when you express them.
There’s actually something called “the no test” you can look up that’s a great way to watch out for this particular red flag.
Losing their temper and calling you names, while trying to blame it on a bad day at work, work-related stress, or something else beyond your control. Not allowing you to see your family or friends. Suddenly giving you silent treatment for days without telling you why and expecting you to be a mind reader.
Gaslighting you
Being dismissive of your feelings
Being controlling of who you can and cant see
Tries to tell you your friends arent actually your friends
When your friends get a bad vibe from him. There was something about this guy a friend of mine was dating that didn’t sit right with our group, we all felt it, but she ignored us. Turns out, emotional abuse with a side of physical, was his brand of abuse, which lead to her staying with my wife and I quite often. Eventually she left him, but with scars (emotional and others).
Surprised no one has said age. Not always blah blah blah, but older men dating younger women is almost always because they either can’t pull a woman their age, and/or because younger women are easier to control and they purposefully seek them out. The type of young woman who gets pulled in by “charming” older men are also likely struggling with family issues/past issues and are also therefore predisposed to abuse
Not sure about girls, which is a sad state of this question – but as a woman, the #1 sign is if he gives you the ick…that dreadful knot in your chest or abdomen.
You caught him in a lie – it feels like a gut punch.
There’s a suspicious feeling about a woman in his life that shouldn’t otherwise be a concern.
– intensely charming. Superficial charm is no.1 diagnostics criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy and sociopathy. (The reason for this is the high cognitive empathy and zero emotional empathy. This combo makes it easy to read others and tell them what they want to hear and makes bonding and shame impossible. This no shame leads to high confidence and zero fear.)
Excessively controlling. They tell you what you can and can’t wear, who you can and can’t spend time with, or otherwise dictate your schedule. They want your routine to stay the same, and get upset about deviations from it. (“Call me every day at this time”, demand you share your location, or will show up places to make sure you’re where you’re “supposed” to be.)
Attempted social isolation is also common. If he shit talks your friends and family, or tries to make plans that keep you from them, those are also red flags.
Of course, temper. But I’ve also known people to weaponize mental illness. “I have ADHD so every detail of your life has to be the way I want it.” “I’m a control freak because of my trauma and you have to accept it!” Both things I’ve heard from previous partners. And it’s bullshit. I also have trauma and ADHD. But that would never be an excuse for me to be a controlling asshole. When I get overstimulated or have a panic attack, I handle it without taking it out on anyone. (I also put years of work into therapy.)
Edit: though I’m bisexual and have found that these traits are red flags in all genders.
-They talk shit about other women or have strong opinions about what women “should” wear or do. This is very different from minding your own business and simply preferring a specific kind of partner.
-Double the first thing if they can’t shut up about their ex.
-They are very concerned about the number of people you have had sex with. Even if they approve of your number.
-They can’t accept responsibility or be wrong about anything. Like if you point out they ran a stop sign or that the movie they’re thinking of actually started a different actor, how do they respond?
-They cast themselves as the victim in almost any conflict. This is very different from being open about experiences with abuse or bigotry. They want you to feel sorry for them, not understand and empathize.
-They believe false rape and abuse accusations are a widespread problem. They will let this slip when talking about news or celebrity gossip.
-They are mean and/or aggressive with servers, bartenders, or anyone doing work for them.
-They think it’s funny when disabled or elderly people do something that might be embarrassing. Laughing at the misfortune of others in general.
How well he handles being told “no” especially for “frivolous” or “silly” reasons.
I do not condone “testing” boyfriends or significant others. However, at some point in every relationship you will disagree on something. He wants Italian and you want Mexican. Yall make plans and you get sick. He says he wants to stay in and you want to go out.
How well he handles these things, whether he immediately respects your “no” or listens to your opinion and is willing to change his stance matters. If you say “Hey sorry I cant go out tonight I have work” and he says “That’s fine I didnt want to see you anyways guess I’ll just kill myself” then you probably shouldn’t date him.
they are nosy to the point where they take your family’s decisions also for them (even before getting married)
they call women “chicks”
They cross all your boundaries
They tell you your weight is alot in one moment and the next moment call you hot.
Hot and cold moments like one minute praise and another minute telling you everything you do is wrong.
Not respecting your feelings
P.S all this happened in the arrange marriage setup. Run for your life if the guy is like that
Controlling people don’t lose their temper, they USE their temper.
Watch for if your partner is able to keep his cool with his mates, at work etc. because if he can, but he loses his temper at home, then he is using it to manipulate the outcome with you.
Am a dude but growing up had a buddy who was like this.
Paranoia. Always wondering where you are. Who you’re with. Accuse you of cheating (because they know how easy it is to lie and get away with it). Give you ultimatums like “if you don’t do X I’ll break up with you right now” No control over their emotions. Will call you 20 times in a row if you hang up on them. Alienate you from your friends. Bipolar like symtoms like pure anger towards you and showering you with love afterward. Will often use $ and gifts as ways to say sorry or show affection.
Questioning everything you do with any other person, no matter if the other person is family, friend, or stranger. Trying to make household rules that only apply to you. Being into collecting guns.
If he tries to control what you wear, who you see or how much time you spend with friends or family. If he gets mad at you for being yourself, accuses you of flirting when you do basic human things like ordering a meal at a restaurant or saying excuse me when you brush past someone in a crowded place. When you realize that you used to have hobbies and interests that took up a lot of your free time but you no longer do them because he didn’t want you to. When they criticize your looks, your job, your intelligence, your friends/family, your past, your interests etc -when they criticize anything.
Basically anytime someone tries to make you smaller and hold you back instead of expanding your world or lifting you up. Good people will like you as you are and you won’t have to temper yourself or your world for them.
Didn’t like me drinking alcohol or spending too much time with friends (he wanted me to message him back immediately when he texted)
Got a job at the same place that I worked part time at uni
Aggressive driving (or “get out and walk” if we were in a disagreement whilst driving)
What happened after we got married:
Disrespectful towards me, calling me names (dumb cunt, bitch, disgusting, stupid etc), I asked him not to treat me this way and it did not stop
Would sleep in another room or book a hotel after big arguments
Would slam doors, throw things next to me, hold my wrists tightly so I couldn’t move away during an argument
We owned a home together and he didn’t want me to have anyone over, host a friend for tea etc – not even when he wasn’t around and wouldn’t be bothered by it. Didn’t want me to host my aunt (the only family member I am close with), who is a psychologist.
Accused me of cheating (orgies, threesomes, hickey on my neck apparently?)
Had ownership of all major bank accounts and investments all in his name. I sent him my full salary every month and he handled how it was managed (we did discuss this, to be fair), then he sent me an ‘allowance’ and checked my bank statements every month to scrutinise the transactions.
I took on 99% of all the household chores, pet care (for the dog he wanted and promised to help with) and worked full-time. He told me I needed to do all of this because I ‘worked from home’ and he earned more than I did.
Once threatened to kill me, told me I should just divorce him, then told me I was abusive after I pushed him away during this argument (he left and stayed in a hotel that night)
Told me not to move jobs when I interviewed at higher paying, more interesting positions.
Told me “you don’t even like flowers” when I smell every flower I walk past, treat myself to a small bouquet occasionally and visit rose gardens all the time
Told me I was a narccist and “just like my mother, which isn’t surprising”. I found a therapist because I was so worried that I had hurt the people in my life (I had a small breakdown and called some of my friends to ask them if I’d ever displayed narcissistic traits) and I panicked because I knew it was my responsibility to discover if I had a personality disorder, and she helped me work through the accusations and other parts of the relationship (but she sent me a lot of resources about abuse)
Would touch me in the middle of the night while I was asleep, and then did this a few times after I told him it made me uncomfortable
Kept asking to be friends after HE divorced ME (spoiler alert: he’s with his co-worker now)
If he has bad temper, is a huge hypocrite, is unreasonable, finds comfort in causing you discomfort, teaches you a lesson, makes you doubt your relating, lies on you, never take accountability, destroys his own stuff and blames you for it, you can never pleased them, can’t take constructive criticism well, I could go on…
Obligatory not a girl, but one thing I’ve noticed is the lack of respect for boundaries.
Going through your things, spying on you, always wanting/demanding your presence are big indicators. A lot of abusers seem to treat their partners as if they’re an actual item they own instead of a fellow human being and therefore, in their mind, they can treat you how they want.
And once they feel like they’ve solidified the fact that their partner won’t leave them, they’ll gradually continue pushing and abusing more and more until they’re kicking you like a broken dog
If he begins isolating you from people you generally interact with, this includes family. It may be subtle, or he will always be around so that you can’t have private conversations with them.
Expecting you to do more around the house than him, it should be shared depending on what is happening on any given day for either person.
Not allowing you to make decisions for yourself or making you second guess yourself about said decisions.
baby trapping – dont stick it out for the kids, we see it, we’re living it with you and wondering why you’re staying even though it hurts us and you
doesn’t want you to be around your family
doesn’t want you to have friends
wont let you work/makes you quit/forces you to be a stay at home
excessive drinking at ANY point
verbally abusive, it wont stop there, dont lie to yourself
EVER hits you, its never “just one time”, and you DONT need to stick around to try and find out
cant be told no
not always abusive but if hes OBSESSED with his mom. Not being a nice son, not loves his mom. I mean will do everything she says. She says jump and hes jumping. Im talking names his first born daughter his moms first-middle-last (my sister hates her name)
constantly says theyre going to harm or kill themself if you do something (break up, go to a friend’s, talk to police)
If you have a gut feeling that they’re an unsafe person. Dont wait around and find out, you’ll get better intuition by actually listening to yourself
Other people saying that they’re “a great person” doesn’t mean shit. My (step) dad threats and slitting-throat gestures in openjuvenilecourt towards my mom and the people in court still caller her dramatic and that he was a great guy after beating her into the kitchen cabinets in front of my sisters she kicked him to refocus him to her, pissing him off more, because he started walking towards my sisters. the gardian at litem was trying to put us in his legal custody even after he signed his rights away, because she was also an alcoholic and felt for him
im eating muffins and my thumbs hurt but you can read other comments. All my advice goes for either genders but woman should look up how high your chance (as a woman) goes up if your boyfriend/husband/other is ever shown the possibility of being violent. Even one violent act. Then look at how much more that statistic goes up if you get pregnant. Before trying to justify his actions, or letting him justify them, think to yourself. “Do I want to become part if that statistic?”
he goes nuts and uses please several times when he wants something and wont get it. i had an ex that in highschool wanted physical intimacy and would go insane begging and begging and begging for it. please please please soon turned into, you b— why won’t you obey me, why won’t you do what i say, you w—, are you cheating on me? it was a quick turnaround. and i wasnt smart enough to dump him for two and a half years, not to mention our brief rebound years later. which was just as awful because he was hopped up on loads of different substances and alcohol.
He oscillates between blaming/guilting/being angry and being super apologetic.
I got caught by this trap in a previous relationship. My ex trauma dumped about his childhood, but spun it by saying he’d been to tons of therapy and had learned on his own how to form healthy relationships (which, obviously, did not end up being the case.) I began to see a pattern emerge: he’d pick a fight, play the victim when I told him his behaviour wasn’t ok, get angry at me, and then come crawling back later apologizing and saying he totally recognized how awful his behaviour had been, and remind me that his trauma is hard to get over. This method was so effective at reeling me back in. Don’t fall for it. Apologies are only meaningful if there’s a serious effort to change the behaviour; but also, some shit just shouldn’t happen in the first place.
If he expects you to be his teacher, and you’re expending copious amounts of effort on guiding him through conflicts he caused, walk away.
Lovebombing. Apart from the “showering you with gifts and compliments”, a huge tell is they want the relationship to move along much faster than you expect.
Lovebombing is usually the first initial stage before they start to control you by gradually restricting stuff.
if your friends get uncomfortable, listen to them. He’s gonna try to isolate you from friends/family. Your friends will almost certainly see this before you do.
Pushes for you to not work. This is usually because if they control the money, its harder for you to leave.
Similar to the above: pressure to have children right away. This will usually also include a push for you to be a SAHM. This further limits your ability to get out. Beware of things like “condom” mishaps.
Any fight has to be your fault. The goal for a person engaging in this kind of behavior is for you to internalize that conflict is your fault, and to therefore try to avoid fights by anticipating and jumping to their whims. This means that 1) any actual argument will be met with guilt-tripping or other gas-lighting tactic. 2) Fights will just spring up out of nowhere. This accomplishes the same goal – and usually happens when you’ve reached a point where you just try to avoid setting them.
Inability to communicate clearly about their feelings. I was with a guy for five years who had a hard time verbally expressing himself, but wasn’t violent. Eventually, after a year of me trying to talk to him about our lack of connection and trying to tell him that I was unhappy (and him stonewalling me because he didn’t know how to communicate), he snapped and was physically violent. I left him six months later because he didn’t take any steps to improve.
Beware the Grand Gesture. Especially early in the relationship. It’s often a control mechanism, meant to reel you in and manipulate you into feeling obligated to him.
All of his exes were crazy
Everybody else is the cause of his problems
He’s not accountable
Love bombing
Slowly separating you from friends and family, he doesn’t like them, they’re “not good” and don’t care about you/treat you right but “he loves you” and “you’re better off without them” and you shouldn’t go see friends/family and stay with him.
You’re so beautiful he’s “scared” of others “stealing” you away.
He has a short fuse
Starts making little jabs disguised as “jokes” at you over time that become more frequent and nasty to slowly chip away at your confidence
After going off you get love bombed, he never meant it, you “know” he loves you, but it was your fault, but he can forgive you (even though he was in the wrong)
The temper tantrums escalate, doors get slammed, surfaces and walls get hit, things get thrown, etc
He starts commenting on what you wear, “you’re not going out in that are you?”
He starts getting paranoid and making accusations that you are flirting with strangers, friends, etc
Substance problems if they have them escalate
They start trying to instigate arguments or goading you into getting upset and irritated
Not always but sometimes you start getting pushed about (sometimes it can start outright with being hit, kicked, etc of course).
And of course, good old gaslighting.
There are so many red flags, but always remember you deserve the best, don’t settle for less and if you see signs RUN.
There’s help out there.
Im a guy so sorry I apologize for answering when it wasnt directed to me, but I think other perspectives are important also, especially with this type of thing. Ive met a handful of men like this and for some reason I could tell right away thats the kind of guy they were. Usually always has the same common denominators. They’re always a victim in some way. They have elaborate ridiculous stories about women they used to be with and all of them were “crazy”. Some might be, but if everyone else is always the crazy one, youre probably the problem. How they treat pets and their attitude towards them in general. Most notably, they dont have a group of friends they have known for a while and are tight with. They dont really have any stories of their past or anyone that shows up from their past. They just bounce around and latch onto new groups of people once they find a new girl and chameleon into that group. No one has stood by them through life for a long time for a reason.
Policing what you wear, who you see, where you go. Isolating you from your family and friends, monitoring your social media. Telling you that he is all you need and that you don’t need any one else in your life
Becoming over the top angry if he finds out you have male friends or associate with other guys at work.
Talking about having a baby really early on. This is to trap you and keep you tied to him.
Being an asshole to people he see’s as below him – service workers, people of other races etc.
Fits of over the top anger out of nowhere about small things. Any kind of violent act, like punching walls, kicking things, driving erratically if you are arguing in a car
All his exes are bitches, or sluts and he was the victim
These things in isolation can be written off but if you step back and take notes of everything it builds a picture of a potential abuser
And the most important thing is to listen to your gut! Your gut will tell you if something is not right. That sick feeling in your stomach is you body warning you that this guy is not a good guy. Listen to it.
If he’s been accused of abuse before. Dont believe whatever weird story he tells to defend it. You’ll have the same thing happen to you after a while 🤷♀️
Pay attention to the words they say, even if their tone is totally reasonable. Criticism, judgement, belittling, isolation and manipulation can very easily be hidden behind a reasonable tone and friendly smile if you’re not looking out for it. A smiling assassin is still an assassin.
Men who put themselves down to avoid confrontation or garner sympathy. When he gets upset or defensive for HIMSELF when he was the one who upset YOU. HUGE red flag / tactic for highly manipulative men. Example: You: “wow, that wasn’t a nice thing to say!”. Him: “I guess I’m just worthless trash” or “I can’t do anything right, I’m an asshole”. Now you can’t be mad or upset because HE is hurt. Such a manipulative tactic.
When he’s too perfect in the beginning, like too good to be true. Always “on”, always says and does the right thing, sweeps you off your feet with romantic gestures, like basically on his best behavior to mask the devil he actually is. Also, a big sign is if he spoils you right away in a way that an average dude would not do. Like in an equal partnership where you respect someone, there is a give and take. This dude will basically try to buy you but its so huge that you feel flattered and confuse it with romance. Then he’ll switch up once he gets a hint that you’re locked in. They creep inch by inch into revealing what they actually are.
Also, when you go to him for emotional support and he takes the side of your enemy. Run.
They’ll get mad at little things like for example. He would get mad for me telling my mum where I was when I was with him. As I was 17 and still living at home. I was/am close to my mum and didn’t think it wrong to tell my mum my whereabouts.
Very emotional, was always the victim, and couldn’t take true accountability. I never thought he’d get violent until I had to lock myself in the bathroom and he bruised me while trying to break down the door. He proceeded to say he was the victim in that situation because I was insulting him and insisted that he wasn’t at fault and had my ‘best interest’ in mind.
How he treats other people in his inner circle, and also outside of it.
If he’s mean to his family or yours, his friends or yours, waiters, strangers on the street, etc. it is telling of where his mind settles into its comfort zone.
I understand having conflict when it’s valid, or opinions that stay private. Dudes are allowed to feel strongly about their tribes, especially if it also affects them.
But if he’s got to make excuses for why he’s being rude or shitty to anyone who doesn’t outright deserve disrespect, there’s your sign.
Nothing is his fault, there are excuses for everything. All of his exes are “toxic” or “liars” that he hates. Polices little things that don’t seem important at first, not liking a specific person for example and getting upset when you hang out with them or guilt tripping you.
They slowly sneak in bits of criticism to see if you’ll be the bigger person and keep the peace, and if you do it’ll blow into full on hyper criticism to try and get you to jump through hoops and make you feel less than
History of physical / domestic violence with an ex or exes, witnessing mother being abused by father, disrespects women, easily triggered, fits of rage , damages and/or breaks items in the household …
When he was in an abusive relationship and after this he has kind of a side effect that affects you in a negative way.
And usually it is because of attachment to a person, which does not go away for a long time, since it was formed in such a complex way and fixed, therefore it is difficult to move away from it, even if the relationship with the person is no longer.
This affects the new partner in the ugliest way, such as comparing the current girl with the ex (appearance, manner of speech, behavior, ability to dress, etc.). That is, if in the past relationship he was supposedly a victim, then in the current one he takes the opposite position.
According to my observations and unfortunately experience, such people cannot build calm and healthy relationships, because this peace is usually boring for them and they need the usual drama that drives the partner crazy. And until they sort out all the issues in their heads and decide to change, they will continue to suffer in all their relationships.
If you’re confused or doubting yourself a lot after conversations that include – especially differing – opinions. For example, discussions don’t stay on subject, but got to how you’re wrong for worrying about something in the first place.
inability to take accountability, blame shifting, whataboutisms
mood swings, emotional, short temper
history of boxing, football or other violent contact sport
works in law enforcement or served for the military
road rage
if they raise their voice at you
throwing things, punching the wall
insults or jabs when upset
lack of friends or messed up friendships
alcoholism, addiction
treats animals poorly or is indifferent to animal suffering or high tolerance to animal suffering
assuming the worst, catastrophizing
emotional withholding, ices you out as punishment or retaliation
inability or unwillingness to resolve conflict and/or deescalate arguments
presents problems and no constructive solutions
emotionally codependent
criticizing your body, appearance
needs constant access to you and your whereabouts
And then there’s the look in the eyes. On true crime shows you hear often victims describe how their attacker’s eyes turned black and how it seemed like there was no human inside just evil. It’s like a predatory vestige. I’ve seen that look on bar fights – which make sense, survival shit is triggered – but it’s chilling to see it from your partner mid argument. I saw it once on a girl’s bf when he did not approve of what she was wearing, she wore it anyway and by the end of the day he attacked her for it.
Very quick to snap in a way that feels over the top, this was the major thing I noticed whilst we were dating. When we got together and moved in together that’s when the quick snapping started to escalate to physical, this started not soon after I moved in, probably 2 weeks.
Early red flags: jealousy, love bombing, controlling behavior, mocking you, gaslighting, ignoring boundaries, blaming others, and making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. If your gut feels off, trust it.
Look and listen to how he treats his mother. Respectful? Or does he talk bad about her behind her back? How does Dad treat his wife? Because one day, it’s how he will treat you. Count on this.
How they first talk about other women and minorities to your face.
How he talks to you when he loses it. Note that he’ll always target your insecurities in order to whittle away your self esteem, it’s super coordinated, don’t let his tears fool you. Isolating you from family and friends is also a massive tell tale sign.
Biggest red flag, if they ever grab you by the throat, fucking leave and never return, this is a major indicator that he will attempt to kill you down the line.
Source: I do volunteer work at shelters (both women and lbgt homeless shelters) on holidays. I’ve sadly met many survivors who experienced this, a handful were ‘vanished’ some time after, never to be heard from again.
Comments
– if he has a problem with you seeing friends or family
-if he has a bad temper
– if he grabs you or forces you to stay somewhere
-if he ever punches the wall
– if he always seems to yell and threaten you when he’s mad
Listening to how he talks about other women is one of the most important early things you can do. Are all the women he goes to school or works with sluts, bitches, and so on? Walk away.
they’ll dismiss your feelings, get frustrated at the smallest of things, shift the blame on you if you bring up any concerns, not take accountability for his actions and give half assed apologies without change, slowly try to have control over you, make you feel less than, the list goes on and on
If they hate their mother.
You gotta imagine like your trying to divorce that person and what that scenario be like. And you got your answer
I was deeply in love, and we hadn’t been dating long, perhaps a few months, and I said something to him as we were driving along and he got angry, and began to jerk the car around the street. I sat, silent, shocked….I saw him pull himself into check, but I knew then he had a temper and to be alert. He never hit me, he never laid a hand on me. But I heard stories about his temper from his ex, so I knew but clearly he was trying to change.
If they say or do terrible things and try to convince you that it’s not terrible
He calls you a C*nt in front of your entire wedding party only one day after the wedding
Moving too quickly/pushing for commitment…love bombing….jealousy….snide/deprecating remarks….minimizing his bad behaviour…not wanting you to see friends/family…
Has a temper. has the ability to raise his voice at the small things. Wall punching. Shuts down all your ideas or mocks them. Lies for things they don’t need to lie about. Their default is to push down rather than to help raise up
Love bombing.
The inability, or refusal, to accept your saying no to them, or to respect your boundaries when you express them.
There’s actually something called “the no test” you can look up that’s a great way to watch out for this particular red flag.
Losing their temper and calling you names, while trying to blame it on a bad day at work, work-related stress, or something else beyond your control. Not allowing you to see your family or friends. Suddenly giving you silent treatment for days without telling you why and expecting you to be a mind reader.
Gaslighting you
Being dismissive of your feelings
Being controlling of who you can and cant see
Tries to tell you your friends arent actually your friends
Always remember, if they hit walls the chances are they will hit people eventually:/
They’re violent AROUND you – ie break things, throw things, punch walls, etc
Talks bad about your friends
For me I saw the signs but I just didn’t know how bad it could get / and I had very little relationship experience.
Their actions don’t match their words, inability to honor no, trying to gaslight you when you try to confront them, telling you that they are nice guy
When your friends get a bad vibe from him. There was something about this guy a friend of mine was dating that didn’t sit right with our group, we all felt it, but she ignored us. Turns out, emotional abuse with a side of physical, was his brand of abuse, which lead to her staying with my wife and I quite often. Eventually she left him, but with scars (emotional and others).
Surprised no one has said age. Not always blah blah blah, but older men dating younger women is almost always because they either can’t pull a woman their age, and/or because younger women are easier to control and they purposefully seek them out. The type of young woman who gets pulled in by “charming” older men are also likely struggling with family issues/past issues and are also therefore predisposed to abuse
They seem to be a poor victim of everyone else and never do anything to change that
Controlling
Not sure about girls, which is a sad state of this question – but as a woman, the #1 sign is if he gives you the ick…that dreadful knot in your chest or abdomen.
You caught him in a lie – it feels like a gut punch.
There’s a suspicious feeling about a woman in his life that shouldn’t otherwise be a concern.
Stuff like that.
If he’s overly jealous or controlling
If he ignores your boundaries
If he says mean things and then says “it was just a joke”
If he ever lays hands on you in any sort of threatening way
– intensely charming. Superficial charm is no.1 diagnostics criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathy and sociopathy. (The reason for this is the high cognitive empathy and zero emotional empathy. This combo makes it easy to read others and tell them what they want to hear and makes bonding and shame impossible. This no shame leads to high confidence and zero fear.)
Unmedicated bipolar disorder
They walk ahead of you.
Excessively controlling. They tell you what you can and can’t wear, who you can and can’t spend time with, or otherwise dictate your schedule. They want your routine to stay the same, and get upset about deviations from it. (“Call me every day at this time”, demand you share your location, or will show up places to make sure you’re where you’re “supposed” to be.)
Attempted social isolation is also common. If he shit talks your friends and family, or tries to make plans that keep you from them, those are also red flags.
Of course, temper. But I’ve also known people to weaponize mental illness. “I have ADHD so every detail of your life has to be the way I want it.” “I’m a control freak because of my trauma and you have to accept it!” Both things I’ve heard from previous partners. And it’s bullshit. I also have trauma and ADHD. But that would never be an excuse for me to be a controlling asshole. When I get overstimulated or have a panic attack, I handle it without taking it out on anyone. (I also put years of work into therapy.)
Edit: though I’m bisexual and have found that these traits are red flags in all genders.
Pay attention to how he speaks about his old flames
My exes would
The list goes on…
I’d like to name and shame them but I feel it’s beneath me. I’m so lucky my parents were able to steer me away from those two ass holes.
-They talk shit about other women or have strong opinions about what women “should” wear or do. This is very different from minding your own business and simply preferring a specific kind of partner.
-Double the first thing if they can’t shut up about their ex.
-They are very concerned about the number of people you have had sex with. Even if they approve of your number.
-They can’t accept responsibility or be wrong about anything. Like if you point out they ran a stop sign or that the movie they’re thinking of actually started a different actor, how do they respond?
-They cast themselves as the victim in almost any conflict. This is very different from being open about experiences with abuse or bigotry. They want you to feel sorry for them, not understand and empathize.
-They believe false rape and abuse accusations are a widespread problem. They will let this slip when talking about news or celebrity gossip.
-They are mean and/or aggressive with servers, bartenders, or anyone doing work for them.
-They think it’s funny when disabled or elderly people do something that might be embarrassing. Laughing at the misfortune of others in general.
He thinks he is always right.
He verbally degrades you over minor things. Or extremely angry over small things.
Very early sign, google for the proof: driving like a psycho
How well he handles being told “no” especially for “frivolous” or “silly” reasons.
I do not condone “testing” boyfriends or significant others. However, at some point in every relationship you will disagree on something. He wants Italian and you want Mexican. Yall make plans and you get sick. He says he wants to stay in and you want to go out.
How well he handles these things, whether he immediately respects your “no” or listens to your opinion and is willing to change his stance matters. If you say “Hey sorry I cant go out tonight I have work” and he says “That’s fine I didnt want to see you anyways guess I’ll just kill myself” then you probably shouldn’t date him.
Having to ask other people if they think they are abusive.
They manipulate you for even the slightest things
they are nosy to the point where they take your family’s decisions also for them (even before getting married)
they call women “chicks”
They cross all your boundaries
They tell you your weight is alot in one moment and the next moment call you hot.
Hot and cold moments like one minute praise and another minute telling you everything you do is wrong.
Not respecting your feelings
P.S all this happened in the arrange marriage setup. Run for your life if the guy is like that
I really hope there aren’t any girls on here with a husband
Really early red flags I absolutely talked myself out of recognizing:
How to help people who are in this kind of relationship? Especially if they are still teenagers?
Reckless driving and you’re the passenger. No sense of keeping you safe.
Controlling people don’t lose their temper, they USE their temper.
Watch for if your partner is able to keep his cool with his mates, at work etc. because if he can, but he loses his temper at home, then he is using it to manipulate the outcome with you.
Am a dude but growing up had a buddy who was like this.
Paranoia. Always wondering where you are. Who you’re with. Accuse you of cheating (because they know how easy it is to lie and get away with it). Give you ultimatums like “if you don’t do X I’ll break up with you right now” No control over their emotions. Will call you 20 times in a row if you hang up on them. Alienate you from your friends. Bipolar like symtoms like pure anger towards you and showering you with love afterward. Will often use $ and gifts as ways to say sorry or show affection.
Questioning everything you do with any other person, no matter if the other person is family, friend, or stranger. Trying to make household rules that only apply to you. Being into collecting guns.
The way he talks to you when he’s mad
If he tries to control what you wear, who you see or how much time you spend with friends or family. If he gets mad at you for being yourself, accuses you of flirting when you do basic human things like ordering a meal at a restaurant or saying excuse me when you brush past someone in a crowded place. When you realize that you used to have hobbies and interests that took up a lot of your free time but you no longer do them because he didn’t want you to. When they criticize your looks, your job, your intelligence, your friends/family, your past, your interests etc -when they criticize anything.
Basically anytime someone tries to make you smaller and hold you back instead of expanding your world or lifting you up. Good people will like you as you are and you won’t have to temper yourself or your world for them.
Ladies, please be smarter than me 🙏🏻
What I missed before we got married:
Disrespectful to his mother
Didn’t like me drinking alcohol or spending too much time with friends (he wanted me to message him back immediately when he texted)
Got a job at the same place that I worked part time at uni
Aggressive driving (or “get out and walk” if we were in a disagreement whilst driving)
What happened after we got married:
Disrespectful towards me, calling me names (dumb cunt, bitch, disgusting, stupid etc), I asked him not to treat me this way and it did not stop
Would sleep in another room or book a hotel after big arguments
Would slam doors, throw things next to me, hold my wrists tightly so I couldn’t move away during an argument
We owned a home together and he didn’t want me to have anyone over, host a friend for tea etc – not even when he wasn’t around and wouldn’t be bothered by it. Didn’t want me to host my aunt (the only family member I am close with), who is a psychologist.
Accused me of cheating (orgies, threesomes, hickey on my neck apparently?)
Had ownership of all major bank accounts and investments all in his name. I sent him my full salary every month and he handled how it was managed (we did discuss this, to be fair), then he sent me an ‘allowance’ and checked my bank statements every month to scrutinise the transactions.
I took on 99% of all the household chores, pet care (for the dog he wanted and promised to help with) and worked full-time. He told me I needed to do all of this because I ‘worked from home’ and he earned more than I did.
Once threatened to kill me, told me I should just divorce him, then told me I was abusive after I pushed him away during this argument (he left and stayed in a hotel that night)
Told me not to move jobs when I interviewed at higher paying, more interesting positions.
Told me “you don’t even like flowers” when I smell every flower I walk past, treat myself to a small bouquet occasionally and visit rose gardens all the time
Told me I was a narccist and “just like my mother, which isn’t surprising”. I found a therapist because I was so worried that I had hurt the people in my life (I had a small breakdown and called some of my friends to ask them if I’d ever displayed narcissistic traits) and I panicked because I knew it was my responsibility to discover if I had a personality disorder, and she helped me work through the accusations and other parts of the relationship (but she sent me a lot of resources about abuse)
Would touch me in the middle of the night while I was asleep, and then did this a few times after I told him it made me uncomfortable
Kept asking to be friends after HE divorced ME (spoiler alert: he’s with his co-worker now)
If he has bad temper, is a huge hypocrite, is unreasonable, finds comfort in causing you discomfort, teaches you a lesson, makes you doubt your relating, lies on you, never take accountability, destroys his own stuff and blames you for it, you can never pleased them, can’t take constructive criticism well, I could go on…
Obligatory not a girl, but one thing I’ve noticed is the lack of respect for boundaries.
Going through your things, spying on you, always wanting/demanding your presence are big indicators. A lot of abusers seem to treat their partners as if they’re an actual item they own instead of a fellow human being and therefore, in their mind, they can treat you how they want.
And once they feel like they’ve solidified the fact that their partner won’t leave them, they’ll gradually continue pushing and abusing more and more until they’re kicking you like a broken dog
These have probably already been said, but:
If he begins isolating you from people you generally interact with, this includes family. It may be subtle, or he will always be around so that you can’t have private conversations with them.
Expecting you to do more around the house than him, it should be shared depending on what is happening on any given day for either person.
Not allowing you to make decisions for yourself or making you second guess yourself about said decisions.
Drugs and bad temper.
if you meet at 16 and 25 (my mom and stepdad)
if he “waits” for you to be legal
baby trapping – dont stick it out for the kids, we see it, we’re living it with you and wondering why you’re staying even though it hurts us and you
doesn’t want you to be around your family
doesn’t want you to have friends
wont let you work/makes you quit/forces you to be a stay at home
excessive drinking at ANY point
verbally abusive, it wont stop there, dont lie to yourself
EVER hits you, its never “just one time”, and you DONT need to stick around to try and find out
cant be told no
not always abusive but if hes OBSESSED with his mom. Not being a nice son, not loves his mom. I mean will do everything she says. She says jump and hes jumping. Im talking names his first born daughter his moms first-middle-last (my sister hates her name)
constantly says theyre going to harm or kill themself if you do something (break up, go to a friend’s, talk to police)
If you have a gut feeling that they’re an unsafe person. Dont wait around and find out, you’ll get better intuition by actually listening to yourself
Other people saying that they’re “a great person” doesn’t mean shit. My (step) dad threats and slitting-throat gestures in open juvenile court towards my mom and the people in court still caller her dramatic and that he was a great guy after beating her into the kitchen cabinets in front of my sisters she kicked him to refocus him to her, pissing him off more, because he started walking towards my sisters. the gardian at litem was trying to put us in his legal custody even after he signed his rights away, because she was also an alcoholic and felt for him
im eating muffins and my thumbs hurt but you can read other comments. All my advice goes for either genders but woman should look up how high your chance (as a woman) goes up if your boyfriend/husband/other is ever shown the possibility of being violent. Even one violent act. Then look at how much more that statistic goes up if you get pregnant. Before trying to justify his actions, or letting him justify them, think to yourself. “Do I want to become part if that statistic?”
he goes nuts and uses please several times when he wants something and wont get it. i had an ex that in highschool wanted physical intimacy and would go insane begging and begging and begging for it. please please please soon turned into, you b— why won’t you obey me, why won’t you do what i say, you w—, are you cheating on me? it was a quick turnaround. and i wasnt smart enough to dump him for two and a half years, not to mention our brief rebound years later. which was just as awful because he was hopped up on loads of different substances and alcohol.
If he ever does something that could hurt you and then laugh at you being scared
*Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft – Reddit’s favorite book available here free
He oscillates between blaming/guilting/being angry and being super apologetic.
I got caught by this trap in a previous relationship. My ex trauma dumped about his childhood, but spun it by saying he’d been to tons of therapy and had learned on his own how to form healthy relationships (which, obviously, did not end up being the case.) I began to see a pattern emerge: he’d pick a fight, play the victim when I told him his behaviour wasn’t ok, get angry at me, and then come crawling back later apologizing and saying he totally recognized how awful his behaviour had been, and remind me that his trauma is hard to get over. This method was so effective at reeling me back in. Don’t fall for it. Apologies are only meaningful if there’s a serious effort to change the behaviour; but also, some shit just shouldn’t happen in the first place.
If he expects you to be his teacher, and you’re expending copious amounts of effort on guiding him through conflicts he caused, walk away.
Lovebombing. Apart from the “showering you with gifts and compliments”, a huge tell is they want the relationship to move along much faster than you expect.
Lovebombing is usually the first initial stage before they start to control you by gradually restricting stuff.
Those are just a few traits that in retrospect should have ringed my alarm bells with my Ex husband:
How he responds to the word ‘No’.
Just from things I’ve read:
if your friends get uncomfortable, listen to them. He’s gonna try to isolate you from friends/family. Your friends will almost certainly see this before you do.
Pushes for you to not work. This is usually because if they control the money, its harder for you to leave.
Similar to the above: pressure to have children right away. This will usually also include a push for you to be a SAHM. This further limits your ability to get out. Beware of things like “condom” mishaps.
Any fight has to be your fault. The goal for a person engaging in this kind of behavior is for you to internalize that conflict is your fault, and to therefore try to avoid fights by anticipating and jumping to their whims. This means that 1) any actual argument will be met with guilt-tripping or other gas-lighting tactic. 2) Fights will just spring up out of nowhere. This accomplishes the same goal – and usually happens when you’ve reached a point where you just try to avoid setting them.
Inability to communicate clearly about their feelings. I was with a guy for five years who had a hard time verbally expressing himself, but wasn’t violent. Eventually, after a year of me trying to talk to him about our lack of connection and trying to tell him that I was unhappy (and him stonewalling me because he didn’t know how to communicate), he snapped and was physically violent. I left him six months later because he didn’t take any steps to improve.
Beware the Grand Gesture. Especially early in the relationship. It’s often a control mechanism, meant to reel you in and manipulate you into feeling obligated to him.
If you are a woman in a relationship with a man and having to ask this question then there’s your answer. Time to go. Now.
All of his exes were crazy
Everybody else is the cause of his problems
He’s not accountable
Love bombing
Slowly separating you from friends and family, he doesn’t like them, they’re “not good” and don’t care about you/treat you right but “he loves you” and “you’re better off without them” and you shouldn’t go see friends/family and stay with him.
You’re so beautiful he’s “scared” of others “stealing” you away.
He has a short fuse
Starts making little jabs disguised as “jokes” at you over time that become more frequent and nasty to slowly chip away at your confidence
After going off you get love bombed, he never meant it, you “know” he loves you, but it was your fault, but he can forgive you (even though he was in the wrong)
The temper tantrums escalate, doors get slammed, surfaces and walls get hit, things get thrown, etc
He starts commenting on what you wear, “you’re not going out in that are you?”
He starts getting paranoid and making accusations that you are flirting with strangers, friends, etc
Substance problems if they have them escalate
They start trying to instigate arguments or goading you into getting upset and irritated
Not always but sometimes you start getting pushed about (sometimes it can start outright with being hit, kicked, etc of course).
And of course, good old gaslighting.
There are so many red flags, but always remember you deserve the best, don’t settle for less and if you see signs RUN.
There’s help out there.
if they harm animals or unnecessarily kill bugs
Im a guy so sorry I apologize for answering when it wasnt directed to me, but I think other perspectives are important also, especially with this type of thing. Ive met a handful of men like this and for some reason I could tell right away thats the kind of guy they were. Usually always has the same common denominators. They’re always a victim in some way. They have elaborate ridiculous stories about women they used to be with and all of them were “crazy”. Some might be, but if everyone else is always the crazy one, youre probably the problem. How they treat pets and their attitude towards them in general. Most notably, they dont have a group of friends they have known for a while and are tight with. They dont really have any stories of their past or anyone that shows up from their past. They just bounce around and latch onto new groups of people once they find a new girl and chameleon into that group. No one has stood by them through life for a long time for a reason.
Policing what you wear, who you see, where you go. Isolating you from your family and friends, monitoring your social media. Telling you that he is all you need and that you don’t need any one else in your life
Becoming over the top angry if he finds out you have male friends or associate with other guys at work.
Talking about having a baby really early on. This is to trap you and keep you tied to him.
Being an asshole to people he see’s as below him – service workers, people of other races etc.
Fits of over the top anger out of nowhere about small things. Any kind of violent act, like punching walls, kicking things, driving erratically if you are arguing in a car
All his exes are bitches, or sluts and he was the victim
These things in isolation can be written off but if you step back and take notes of everything it builds a picture of a potential abuser
And the most important thing is to listen to your gut! Your gut will tell you if something is not right. That sick feeling in your stomach is you body warning you that this guy is not a good guy. Listen to it.
Bad temper, angry driver, yells at you often
If he’s been accused of abuse before. Dont believe whatever weird story he tells to defend it. You’ll have the same thing happen to you after a while 🤷♀️
He punched a wall. Didn’t make effort with my friends or family.
Pay attention to the words they say, even if their tone is totally reasonable. Criticism, judgement, belittling, isolation and manipulation can very easily be hidden behind a reasonable tone and friendly smile if you’re not looking out for it. A smiling assassin is still an assassin.
Men who put themselves down to avoid confrontation or garner sympathy. When he gets upset or defensive for HIMSELF when he was the one who upset YOU. HUGE red flag / tactic for highly manipulative men. Example: You: “wow, that wasn’t a nice thing to say!”. Him: “I guess I’m just worthless trash” or “I can’t do anything right, I’m an asshole”. Now you can’t be mad or upset because HE is hurt. Such a manipulative tactic.
When he’s too perfect in the beginning, like too good to be true. Always “on”, always says and does the right thing, sweeps you off your feet with romantic gestures, like basically on his best behavior to mask the devil he actually is. Also, a big sign is if he spoils you right away in a way that an average dude would not do. Like in an equal partnership where you respect someone, there is a give and take. This dude will basically try to buy you but its so huge that you feel flattered and confuse it with romance. Then he’ll switch up once he gets a hint that you’re locked in. They creep inch by inch into revealing what they actually are.
Also, when you go to him for emotional support and he takes the side of your enemy. Run.
When having an argument, if he says something like “I would hit you now”. This is the pre-step for sure.
Anytime you call something out or try to setup a boundary you get called insecure. Wild manipulation tactic
“Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft is a good book on this !
If someone tends to blow up over petty stuff, that’s the universe giving you a free preview. Run
They’ll get mad at little things like for example. He would get mad for me telling my mum where I was when I was with him. As I was 17 and still living at home. I was/am close to my mum and didn’t think it wrong to tell my mum my whereabouts.
They’ll also punch walls or hit themselves to keep you line.
Very emotional, was always the victim, and couldn’t take true accountability. I never thought he’d get violent until I had to lock myself in the bathroom and he bruised me while trying to break down the door. He proceeded to say he was the victim in that situation because I was insulting him and insisted that he wasn’t at fault and had my ‘best interest’ in mind.
This is just something I’ve noticed in my ex- friend that he did.
How he treats other people in his inner circle, and also outside of it.
If he’s mean to his family or yours, his friends or yours, waiters, strangers on the street, etc. it is telling of where his mind settles into its comfort zone.
I understand having conflict when it’s valid, or opinions that stay private. Dudes are allowed to feel strongly about their tribes, especially if it also affects them.
But if he’s got to make excuses for why he’s being rude or shitty to anyone who doesn’t outright deserve disrespect, there’s your sign.
Nothing is his fault, there are excuses for everything. All of his exes are “toxic” or “liars” that he hates. Polices little things that don’t seem important at first, not liking a specific person for example and getting upset when you hang out with them or guilt tripping you.
A lot of these apply for both genders
They slowly sneak in bits of criticism to see if you’ll be the bigger person and keep the peace, and if you do it’ll blow into full on hyper criticism to try and get you to jump through hoops and make you feel less than
History of physical / domestic violence with an ex or exes, witnessing mother being abused by father, disrespects women, easily triggered, fits of rage , damages and/or breaks items in the household …
Seeing how he talk and care to me
When he was in an abusive relationship and after this he has kind of a side effect that affects you in a negative way.
And usually it is because of attachment to a person, which does not go away for a long time, since it was formed in such a complex way and fixed, therefore it is difficult to move away from it, even if the relationship with the person is no longer.
This affects the new partner in the ugliest way, such as comparing the current girl with the ex (appearance, manner of speech, behavior, ability to dress, etc.). That is, if in the past relationship he was supposedly a victim, then in the current one he takes the opposite position.
According to my observations and unfortunately experience, such people cannot build calm and healthy relationships, because this peace is usually boring for them and they need the usual drama that drives the partner crazy. And until they sort out all the issues in their heads and decide to change, they will continue to suffer in all their relationships.
If you’re confused or doubting yourself a lot after conversations that include – especially differing – opinions. For example, discussions don’t stay on subject, but got to how you’re wrong for worrying about something in the first place.
A combination of:
And then there’s the look in the eyes. On true crime shows you hear often victims describe how their attacker’s eyes turned black and how it seemed like there was no human inside just evil. It’s like a predatory vestige. I’ve seen that look on bar fights – which make sense, survival shit is triggered – but it’s chilling to see it from your partner mid argument. I saw it once on a girl’s bf when he did not approve of what she was wearing, she wore it anyway and by the end of the day he attacked her for it.
Starts slowly pulling you away from friends and family
If they become possessively jealous and/or controlling.
Pulling away/cutting contact whenever you have argument or disagreements.
Making you feel bad/guilty and like you have done something wrong when you haven’t.
Very quick to snap in a way that feels over the top, this was the major thing I noticed whilst we were dating. When we got together and moved in together that’s when the quick snapping started to escalate to physical, this started not soon after I moved in, probably 2 weeks.
Early red flags: jealousy, love bombing, controlling behavior, mocking you, gaslighting, ignoring boundaries, blaming others, and making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. If your gut feels off, trust it.
Manipulations like: “I love you so much, it would be better if you just…”
More than half of the signs here aren’t early signs…
They’re just abuse.
He’s aggressive with the inanimate items around him when he’s angry. Kicking or throwing things, etc.
Look and listen to how he treats his mother. Respectful? Or does he talk bad about her behind her back? How does Dad treat his wife? Because one day, it’s how he will treat you. Count on this.
If he tries to isolate you.
The biggest indicators are:
How they first talk about other women and minorities to your face.
How he talks to you when he loses it. Note that he’ll always target your insecurities in order to whittle away your self esteem, it’s super coordinated, don’t let his tears fool you. Isolating you from family and friends is also a massive tell tale sign.
Biggest red flag, if they ever grab you by the throat, fucking leave and never return, this is a major indicator that he will attempt to kill you down the line.
Source: I do volunteer work at shelters (both women and lbgt homeless shelters) on holidays. I’ve sadly met many survivors who experienced this, a handful were ‘vanished’ some time after, never to be heard from again.