TW: sexual violence
I (21)F and my boyfriend (24)M have been dating for about 2 months. Everything’s been normal and our sex is good, however the more I’ve been with him the weirder things have gotten. He is always very sweet to me and he obviously cares a lot about me. However, I’ve started noticing that there are things he does that honestly scare me a bit.
He is always really rough with me, smacking my ass until it’s red, grabbing me on my hips and thighs until I bruise, and biting me until I bruise or even bleed sometimes. This all sounds crazy writing it out but it just seemed like he was just being playful and doing it for fun. The part that worries me is that when I say something hurts, he doesn’t stop doing it.
When we have sex he gets really rough and I make it clear I’m in pain but he doesn’t stop. Which, is on me since I never explicitly say to stop, and a lot of the time I am really into it. Last night we were having sex, and I was into it, until I just started feeling really overstimulated and shaky. I told him this but he kept going. I honestly was in such a state I couldn’t really express myself and I just started saying “I can’t” over and over. This seemed to encourage him to be even rougher with me and not stop. After me repeatedly saying this, he finished then rolled off of me. Long story short, I felt so shaky and anxious and I started crying. He did acknowledge the fact that he didn’t stop, but then went on to say me not being able to take it turned him on a lot so he just kept going. He even said something about him not stopping being a little “rapey”. This left me feeling really hurt and alone but also confused, because I enjoyed it to some extent, until I got pushed too far.
This morning, we had sex again twice. The first time I was more into it but he kept saying things like “I like seeing you completely helpless” and “I like watching you realize you can’t do anything to stop this”. To be honest, I found that some of this turned me on, I like feeling a bit out of control and dominated, but it also scared me a bit. The second time we had sex, it happened very fast. I was still recovering from the first time and just laying down in bed. He quickly picked me up and turned me around and started fucking me. I was super sore and immediately had pain and that shaky feeling again. I kept saying “ow” and that I needed to stop but he just kept saying “hold on” and kept fucking me until he finished.
Now, I’m just feeling really confused on how I feel about all of this. I feel stupid seeing it all written out and don’t understand why I let all this happen. This is all my fault because I never explicitly said “no” or “get off me” I guess. Are these red flags? I just feel really violated and hurt, which is confusing to me because at the same time I felt turned on and slightly enjoyed it?? I feel like he just had kinks and doesn’t mean any true harm, but there is a part of me that is a bit scared of him now. Any advice appreciated.
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Backup of the post’s body: TW: sexual violence
I (21)F and my boyfriend (24)M have been dating for about 2 months. Everything’s been normal and our sex is good, however the more I’ve been with him the weirder things have gotten. He is always very sweet to me and he obviously cares a lot about me. However, I’ve started noticing that there are things he does that honestly scare me a bit.
He is always really rough with me, smacking my ass until it’s red, grabbing me on my hips and thighs until I bruise, and biting me until I bruise or even bleed sometimes. This all sounds crazy writing it out but it just seemed like he was just being playful and doing it for fun. The part that worries me is that when I say something hurts, he doesn’t stop doing it.
When we have sex he gets really rough and I make it clear I’m in pain but he doesn’t stop. Which, is on me since I never explicitly say to stop, and a lot of the time I am really into it. Last night we were having sex, and I was into it, until I just started feeling really overstimulated and shaky. I told him this but he kept going. I honestly was in such a state I couldn’t really express myself and I just started saying “I can’t” over and over. This seemed to encourage him to be even rougher with me and not stop. After me repeatedly saying this, he finished then rolled off of me. Long story short, I felt so shaky and anxious and I started crying. He did acknowledge the fact that he didn’t stop, but then went on to say me not being able to take it turned him on a lot so he just kept going. He even said something about him not stopping being a little “rapey”. This left me feeling really hurt and alone but also confused, because I enjoyed it to some extent, until I got pushed too far.
This morning, we had sex again twice. The first time I was more into it but he kept saying things like “I like seeing you completely helpless” and “I like watching you realize you can’t do anything to stop this”. To be honest, I found that some of this turned me on, I like feeling a bit out of control and dominated, but it also scared me a bit. The second time we had sex, it happened very fast. I was still recovering from the first time and just laying down in bed. He quickly picked me up and turned me around and started fucking me. I was super sore and immediately had pain and that shaky feeling again. I kept saying “ow” and that I needed to stop but he just kept saying “hold on” and kept fucking me until he finished.
Now, I’m just feeling really confused on how I feel about all of this. I feel stupid seeing it all written out and don’t understand why I let all this happen. This is all my fault because I never explicitly said “no” or “get off me” I guess. Are these red flags? I just feel really violated and hurt, which is confusing to me because at the same time I felt turned on and slightly enjoyed it?? I feel like he just had kinks and doesn’t mean any true harm, but there is a part of me that is a bit scared of him now. Any advice appreciated.
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My heart hurts for you OP. I can’t imagine being so vulnerable with someone and when you say you’re in pain or scared it eggs him on to keep going.
You already know what I’m going to say, and probably several others have said it. You need to leave this guy. He’s at best a rapist and at worst dangerous in other ways. For some men, this is just an easy entry point to test run abuse. I know you’re giving consent in the beginning of the interaction, but if at any point you give any indication you want it to end and he does not stop (unless you’ve specifically said otherwise prior to having sex and implemented a different safe word to keep the moment alive), it is rape. You’ve explicitly told him you were in pain and to stop and he disregarded that and continued to get his own rocks off.
This isn’t a good partner OP. A good partner concerns themselves with your comfort and pleasure all of the time, but ESPECIALLY during sex.
Leave him.
“He is always very sweet to me and he obviously cares a lot about me*. However, I’ve started noticing that there are things he does that honestly scare me a bit*.”
“The part that worries me is that when I say something hurts, he doesn’t stop doing it.”
“I make it clear I’m in pain but he doesn’t stop.”
“last night we were having sex, and I was into it, until I just started feeling really overstimulated and shaky. I told him this but he kept going. “
“He did acknowledge the fact that he didn’t stop, but then went on to say me not being able to take it turned him on a lot so he just kept going.”
NO, he DOESN’T care about you. He has just SAed you. Your hurting turns him on.
Leave this POS.
“This is all my fault because I never explicitly said “no” or “get off me” I guess.” – no, it isn’t. Also the previous night you told him, he hurt you and he expreslly said he just couldn’t stop.
“Are these red flags?” – hell, yeah this are red flags. HUGE ONEs. You said it yourself – you feel violited. I am really so sorry this happened to you. Just leave him.
Run. Leave him. He knows he hurt you, and he still didn’t stop. This behavior usually escalates. Get as far away as you can before he puts you in hospital.
Dude. He did something you didn’t like AND hurt you. You told him he was hurting you and he continued because he likes seeing you hurt.
Do you really want this to be your life?
the only thing i can suggest is to be open and honest with him. if you like a little domination, then make sure you set safe-words or limits to it all and he needs to respect that. have the conversation outside of the bedroom and make your point be understood. if he truly has feelings for you and respects you (the most important thing) then he will understand and you two can come to a good compromise over it all.
communication and respect are the most important things in any relationship
This is rape. Point blank.
It’s not a little rapey, it’s full on rape. He knows you didn’t want it. He is getting off on hurting and raping you. Leave. This will only escalate. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
When you say this all sounds crazy when I type it out, believe yourself. Unless you’re really into the cnc kink, the two of you don’t seem compatible and he clearly won’t stop at your limits. Leave.
>He did acknowledge the fact that he didn’t stop, but then went on to say me not being able to take it turned him on a lot so he just kept going.
You told him you didn’t like it, and he refused to stop. That’s his fault, not yours. Get away from him because this will get worse, and you will be injured. Read what you wrote and ask yourself what would you say to someone who wrote that. You know how he treated you is wrong. I’m sorry you had to experience this, you didn’t do anything wrong, and he isn’t a good bf.
As a 35m who read this out loud to two others (37m and 42m). This is messed up and you need to get out this. This is really not normal. Like if someone says “ow” or some other kind of sound of pain. We all agreed we’d stop and check in to make sure everything was okay. If he doesn’t have that compassion during sex… then what’s stopping him when you do finally say “stop”?
He is getting off on having sex and hurting you without consent.
That is not a fetish.
If it was a fetish, you would have communication, consent, a safe word and aftercare.
He is a rapist.
Red flags imply something bad will happen in the future. He’s already raping and physically abusing you and telling you that it’s fun for him.
Kinks are fine if both parties are into in the entire time and either party can end it at any time (just like “regular” sex).
Not stopping when you ask or insist and having no regard for your feelings and safety is called sexual assault.
You saying “I can’t” and crying and shaking is his indication to stop even if you don’t explicitly say no.
These are not just red flags, they are violations.
His behaviour is not okay, he gets off by non-consensual sex and hurting you. This is not a kink but abusive behaviour, please leave before he hurts you even more.
As a man, I honestly don’t understand how a woman older than 21 allows things to get this unpleasant. There were a million ways you could have set some boundaries.
He’s raping you. No doesn’t have to explicitly be “no”, and neither does stop. At the first sign of pain he at the least should pause and ask if you want to continue and immediately stop of it don’t. Or flat out stop regardless.
My husband will stop if I so much as flinch because of a bout of pain (even if I say nothing because I don’t want to stop) and then he either stops or pauses to let me adjust so it doesn’t hurt anymore.
We’re humans, not mindless animals. He shouldn’t happily rape you and get off on that. That’s dangerous. He’s already showing you that no isn’t an option, your safety and comfort are void in his presence and he has no qualms being violent with you. I doubt it will start and end with sex.
JFC. This dude doesn’t give a shit about you and only cares about assaulting you so he can get off. Just get the fuck out while you still can.
He raped you. You should dump him and get some therapy. As a fellow survivor, this shit takes a toll on you.
1-800-656-4673 is the number for the national SA hotline if you live in the US (if the orange felon hasn’t defunded it by now)
800.656.HOPE is the RAINN hotline
No, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is sexual assault! Your boyfriend knows he’s hurting you. He knows you don’t want it. But he doesn’t care. He enjoys violating you. This isn’t some dark romance novel. This is real life. And even in those novels the heroes still understand consent. Your boyfriend is abusing you. You need to leave. When you end it, make sure other people are there with you.
GIRL RUN!!!! You said: “He is always very sweet to me and he obviously cares a lot about me. However, I’ve started noticing that there are things he does that honestly scare me a bit.”
He is not sweet nor is it obvious that he cares a lot about you. He is a predator. You should not be afraid of the person you love. You deserve so much better and need to get the hell out of that relationship ASAP.
Edit: Sorry for being so straightforward. No rudeness intended. I am sorry you’re going through this.
I agree with everyone before me.
You don’t need to say stop for him to take advantage of you. And telling you to hold on so he can finish while you are clearly in pain? He only cares about his own sexual gratification and needs. You feeling like it is your fault for not saying no or stop explicitly is a result of the narrative of “she didn’t say no so she wanted it” – which is utter BS. The moment you don’t enjoy it and it hurts you, and you vocalising it is you taking back consent. Sex is only sex if both enjoy it, some do like the intense pain, but you clearly didn’t. He still didn’t care and continued. That is, unfortunately, rape. I really do hope you can see that at some point because at the moment your feelings are still attached to the “sweet boyfriend” side of him. And I know it sucks. But girl, he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries and it will only escalate – pull the emergency break while you can without getting seriously injured and ending in an ER/hospital. Because this is only the start unfortunately. I wish you the strength you need to leave and all the great things in life that you deserve – but he is not it. Find the man who prioritises you over himself – they are out there. They do exist!
Sending a big hug your way! Xx
Is your don’t want to leave, then you need to have a serious little sit-down with him. Talk about how “ow” and “I can’t” are actual terms of discomfort, and that rough sex is fun, but 9 lying if you’re enjoying it. He wants you to be enjoying it too, right?
You can act like you’re in pain or can’t move, or like you’re scared—if that’s something you’re both into.
But that’s literally PLAY, it’s different because not only is it consensual, but you’re not in fear or in pain.
There are ways to make things rough without you actually being hurt. If he cares, he will hear you.
But what he’s done so far is absolutely unacceptable, and you should make that extremely clear if you do choose to stay with him.
My partner and I get rough, and I’ll just act like something hurts more than it does, because he likes my pain responses, but I can only take so much. So if he sees he’s “causing me pain” (where I still look like I’m clearly experiencing pleasure as well), he knows that’s the pressure he should stop at. Idk how to explain this really, but there just ARE ways to be rough and play “rapey” if you like that, WITHOUT being afraid, or in pain, or actually out of control.
The submissive IS ACTUALLY THE ONE IN FULL CONTROL; we allow whatever roughness. It’s all up to us how it plays out. Don’t let him make you hurt in a way you don’t like.
It’s going to get rougher and rougher, you’re already not into it. Get away now.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃🏼♀️➡️🏃🏼♀️➡️🏃🏼♀️➡️run girl ! He likes it rough and when you say no ! This is going to get worse