This is an old argument that recently came up again between my girlfriend (33F) and me (32M), and we still can’t agree on who was in the wrong.
When we first started dating, I didn’t drink coffee. She has a nice latte machine, and she taught me how to use it so I could make her coffee in the morning, since I usually woke up before her. I didn’t mind — I liked doing it for her, and it made her happy. Eventually, I started making myself a latte too, since I was already making one for her.
The issue came up on the rare occasions she woke up before me. I’d ask if she could make me a coffee. She would agree, and I’d be excited — but then she’d make herself a latte, sit and drink it for about an hour, and only then start making mine. She said she couldn’t make mine until she finished hers because she just didn’t want to take the extra few minutes right away.
I didn’t understand — when I made coffee for both of us, it took only 2-3 extra minutes to make them at the same time. It felt like she was willing to let me go without or wait an hour just to avoid a couple minutes of effort, even though I regularly made both of ours.
She said I was selfish for expecting her to make mine, and that I only did it for her to get something in return (not true — I did it because she asked and seemed to appreciate it). Eventually, she told me she didn’t even care or appreciate when I made her coffee in the mornings. So I stopped doing it.
She thinks I’m the asshole because she believes I only made coffee for her with the expectation she’d return the favor. I think expecting some level of reciprocity in a relationship is reasonable.
So, AITA?
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This is an old argument that recently came up again between my girlfriend (33F) and me (32M), and we still can’t agree on who was in the wrong.
When we first started dating, I didn’t drink coffee. She has a nice latte machine, and she taught me how to use it so I could make her coffee in the morning, since I usually woke up before her. I didn’t mind — I liked doing it for her, and it made her happy. Eventually, I started making myself a latte too, since I was already making one for her.
The issue came up on the rare occasions she woke up before me. I’d ask if she could make me a coffee. She would agree, and I’d be excited — but then she’d make herself a latte, sit and drink it for about an hour, and only then start making mine. She said she couldn’t make mine until she finished hers because she just didn’t want to take the extra few minutes right away.
I didn’t understand — when I made coffee for both of us, it took only 2-3 extra minutes to make them at the same time. It felt like she was willing to let me go without or wait an hour just to avoid a couple minutes of effort, even though I regularly made both of ours.
She said I was selfish for expecting her to make mine, and that I only did it for her to get something in return (not true — I did it because she asked and seemed to appreciate it). Eventually, she told me she didn’t even care or appreciate when I made her coffee in the mornings. So I stopped doing it.
She thinks I’m the asshole because she believes I only made coffee for her with the expectation she’d return the favor. I think expecting some level of reciprocity in a relationship is reasonable.
So, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to know if i am an asshole for expecting my gf to make me a coffee in the morning since I made her coffee most mornings?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Her reasoning doesn’t really make sense. And if she doesn’t care or appreciate that you do it then you’re good to stop.
NTA. It’s wild to have you sitting there coffee-less for an hour while she luxuriates with her latte, particularly when you easily made both of your coffees in the past without making her wait.
> Eventually, she told me she didn’t even care or appreciate when I made her coffee in the mornings. So I stopped doing it.
She is an asshole.
NTA. I don’t understand her logic. So if you do a good thing but she can come up with a “bad” reason you did it, then its not a good thing anymore? Theoretically this can invalidate everything you’ve ever done in the relationship because you ‘wanted something”. If I’m being cynical this reads like a longform method for her to never have to do anything she doesn’t want to.
It’s just coffee, so I’m not saying go nuclear or anything, but does this bleed into any other aspects of your life? Seems exhausting.
Her reasoning doesn’t make any sense. In a relationship you do things for each other because you love them, not because you’re expecting them to do the same for you.
NTA
She doesn’t care about the things you do for her and can’t bother to spend 3 minutes making you coffee?
NTA
Careful – your gf lacks empathy.
NTA.
You are NTA, but your girlfriend certainly is one. Take a good look OP, do you really want to live your life with someone that selfish and petty? Relationships are give and take, and each partner should enjoy doing little things for each other. If you are never on the receiving end of anything, I’d be rethinking the relationship.
I love making my wife her morning coffee. And I don’t drink the stuff.
That’s a warning shot across the bow when it comes to expectations and your future as a couple.
She is the AH. She is being petty and sounds like she was spoiled by her parents.
My fiancee refuses to do dishes in the morning, she says she needs to drink her coffee and have her morning routine. I usually get up and if i see the kitchen is still dirty I usually start doing it. What i do not like is when people start dumping dishes in the sink i just cleaned.
We all like waking up to a clean kitchen. When i bring it up, i get slammed that there is no mental capacity and the morning routine is sacred.
I eventually just stopped caring and kept doing it because it made me happy but i do see a sense of irony in this.
To get back to your story, i think its just being stubborn. It does only take a little more effort to do 2 coffees in the morning instead of 1. I would call that behaviour out as shitty, but i woulnd’t break my head over it, if this is the only problem.
“Shw taught you how to make it – as a non coffee drinker yourself- so you could make her a coffee since you woke up earlier.”
I mean…you do you but it seems like you could do better than her. She seems like an AH. And a selfish one at that. NTA.
My husband makes the coffee. If he wakes up first he either: makes one for both of us and sets mine aside, or stops and makes me coffee when I wake up. Yes, in the middle of his cup he’ll stop and make one for me.
And I do the same for him.
But we like each other. NTA
She’s a major asshole.
A latte takes about 3 minutes to drink, who tf is sitting there for an hour with a cold coffee.
It depends. Does she carry most of the emotional labour of the relationship and this is her way of just getting 10 minutes to focus on herself instead of you? What’s the rest of the dynamic like ?
NTA – is she a generous lover because with this attitude she cares only about herself. Who raised this girl? Imagine sipping your coffee for a whole hour whilst your bf waits for you to remember he makes you coffee when you want it. And then justifies it?!
Nta. Your gf is ah.
Shes ungrateful and entitled. Stop doing shit 4 her. She can do it herself.
She’s the AH. She could have made you the latte, making you feel seen and loved by taking those few minutes. You didn’t stop making it because you expected the return of a favor, you stopped because she showed you that you weren’t of value to her unless you were doing what she wanted only. That hour she waited showed you exactly how much she valued you and she chose to be selfish. Why reward that behaviour?
Wait, she thinks you regularly made her coffee just so she would be obligated to make yours for you on the rare cases when she wakes up earlier?
That’s ridiculous. You didn’t drink coffee in the beginning and only learned how to use the machine so you could make her drink for her. For her to blame your very reasonable request of reciprocation on something so far-fetched doesn’t make her sound all that mature.
Then for her to double down and say she didn’t even appreciate your efforts… that’s just rude. NTA
NTA
“I’m going to make two coffees almost all the time, just so occasionally I can have a coffee made for me!” is the most dumbass plan.
You’re putting in more work than you’re getting out in that “trade”; if you were being purely selfish, it would have made more sense to just make your own whenever you felt like it. You’re getting a better “deal” now than when you were making it for her!
It sounds like you stopped doing it not just because she was being weird, petty, and selfish about returning the favor – but because she literally didn’t even care about the favor to begin with, or appreciate the effort.
The concept of “social currency” is different than being purely transactional. Transactional people will not do things unless they nail down ahead of time what they get out of it, or are unhappy unless they come out ahead 100% of the time. They will Nickle and Dime people over small favors.
Social currency is more fluid, less tallying involved, and operates more on trust and goodwill/”credit”. If someone adamantly refuses to make good on any such goodwill, they’re kicked off the tab. It could have been as easy as admitting she doesn’t want to make coffee in the mornings, but maybe makes the rest of breakfast instead, or has the machine set up/clean/ingredients out and ready for you. Instead of this… odd… defensiveness, over yeah, yeah, she’ll get your coffee. Eventually. When she feels like it.
NTA…
You need to be worried about someone who doesn’t return favors as someone who lives with you.
You need to look at who pays the bills… Whose family gets time at holidays add it all up and see where it sits… If it’s all leaned significantly towards her run and never look back….
NTA your GF logic makes no sense. But if she does like to drink her coffee first, she can take sips while she make yours.
So does she realize how selfish and petty she’s being? Because it’s gross!
NTA. Do you really want to be someone this petty and selfish?
How do you think that’s going to work out when you have to share finances, make major purchases, deal with in-laws, raise kids together?
Sounds like my ex wife who is a full blown narcissist
In a relationship, you can indeed expect that each one makes things for the other without any expectations in return. However, once you realize that your relationship is one-sided, there is no coming back. NTA and run.
NTA. Do unto others.
NTA
How long have you two been at odds over this? Is this is only occasion she displays selfish behavior? I don’t find her logic reasonable. If this is her only inconsiderate behavior then ok it makes her kind of an unreasonable selfish person but maybe everything else about her is so great you should just shrug and deal with it. But if this is only one of a lot of little red flags….
It was kind of you to make her coffee since you were up before she was. It is also good that she was willing to make yours as well. However, I’m not so sure that demanding that she make yours at the same time she makes her own is something to get hung up over.
Unless you’re saying that your coffee is cold by the time she brings it or is really is a full hour later before she brings your coffee, why should you care about her following the exact same process you do in order to provide your coffee fix in the morning. In the absence of any real substantive reason to care about the sequence your GF follows, I’m going to say NAH. If she is consistently bringing your coffee long after you’ve started your day then that would be a problem.
Expecting reciprocity in a relationship is one thing but being overly controlling is a recipe for conflict, as people are often different and sometimes VERY different and allowances for these differences should be made.
NTA What an insane take for an actual adult to have. Like imagine your friend telling you that their partner did this and then tried to justify it the same way, wild
NTA
She is an asshole.
NTA, OP, does your GF actually like you? cause it doesn’t seem like it, more that she’s seeing what you can do for her. That’s not a relationship, it’s servitude.
NTA, what kind of maniac makes their coffee, drinks it and then makes the other coffee!?! Coffee is best when shared with someone else.. that is just insane to me, like the shitty attitude of not appreciating your efforts aside, coffee is somewhat of a social drink.. why would you not make the other person coffee at the same time and enjoy it together. That is just too wild for me.
Also, so mean of her to accuse you of only doing it to get something in return.. my bf and I appreciate everything we do for each other and often express it… no one wants to be unappreciated, that’s so sad. She also seems a bit manipulative with trying to make you the bad guy.
Also why would you continue to do something when it’s clearly expressed that it isn’t appreciated. Your gf kinda sounds a bit like a narcissist
Your gf is the a-hole. Why didn’t she just make your coffee first if she wanted to fully enjoy hers? Then she says she didn’t really appreciate you making her coffee but she calls you selfish for not continuing to make it? There’s no way this is the only time she’s shown how selfish she is, so have you been ignoring the red flags?
NTA – unless she’s super human that coffee comes out hot and no one can drink it straight out of the machine; the few minutes it takes for her to make yours would barely impact her coffee.
Get out now.
To me she basically just said how she felt about you in general and it’s super hurtful. She doesn’t appreciate you from what it sounds like. NTA but why stay with someone who won’t do even a basic thing for you and then turns around and accuses you of being a good partner for nefarious reasons?
NTA. Why are you still with her? She sounds selfish and awful, I can´t believe that she has this behavior and she is amazing in every other aspect of your relationship.
NTA
NTA.
But, your GF certainly is. And her reasoning makes zero sense. Does her pettiness and entitlement carry on to other areas? Does she even like you or does he only like what you do for her?
NTA. I feel like this is gen x logic. If my partner asked me to make them a coffee, I’d make theirs first and mine last…not make them wait for an hour. Also I’m not sure how you can sip coffee for an hour.
I know that’s the joke answer but: Cut off all contact, never speak to her again. Life is to short and if something like this comes up and isn’t solved in a simple 2-minute discussion: move on. Really, if tiny stuff like this is already coming up, it’s not going to get better. Enlightenment and bliss wait on the path of ghosting and separation.
NTA- Sir, you shouldn’t have stopped making her coffee. You should have stopped seeing her, period. She is selfish and manipulative and seems to have a superiority complex. You sound like a really nice guy who should be seeing someone who will enjoy making you a cup of coffee every once in a while.
NTA at all
NTA. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone I wasn’t willing to make such a tiny concession for. I go out of my way to do nice things for my husband all the time just because I love him, but she can’t wait 3 minutes to drink her latte so she can make one for you too? So selfish and mean spirited.
NTA does she do this in any other areas of your life? also why do something for someone who doesnt care about or appreciate the gesture.
NTA – She literally taught you how to use the coffee maker with the expectation you would make her coffee, which at the time you didn’t even drink. She then tries to claim you came up with this plan to somehow turn it around on her and get no effort coffee (you know, the thing she was getting from you which she specifically taught you to do even though you didn’t even DRINK COFFEE)? Nope nope nope.
NTA. That’s quite rude of her to make hers, sit down for an hour and leave you waiting. Hopefully this is the only area she’s selfish in because otherwise what an awful partner
NTA but you’re saying one.
M
If that’s her reasoning..,why pray tell doesn’t she just make yours first, serve you, and then make her own and luxuriate away ?
My partner always made the fancy coffee, it was his covid hobby. It was cool although i must admit sometimes i didn’t want to wait for the whole latte with art, i just wanted a plain coffee from programable drip coffee maker. These days we wake up at different times and we each make our own
NTA. She can sip on hers while she makes yours. Or make yours first then have hers.
My wife and I have agreed that I make the coffee every morning and bring it to her in bed i get flashed. if for some reason she makes the coffee and brings it to me in bed i agree not to flash her. Every one wins.
You are nta. I recommend switching to my system or only making yourself coffee going forward.
It’s weird to me that she taught you how to use it so you could make her coffee. Unless you asked to be shown I guess.
NTA she isn’t appreciating you or respecting your kindness. The line about not even appreciating the coffee really pisses me off; because making a coffee for the other person is honestly a really special part of my relationship. It’s sad that she’s too self centred to enjoy that experience.
NTA. If she needs to attack her coffee the second it’s ready and can’t put it down before it’s finished, them she should make yours first. Does she have memory problems about the initial period that you didn’t drink coffee?
Her reasoning sounds like she’s really not long term partner material.
NTA. Selfish and ungrateful. Wow. But she’s amazing in every other way, right? 😬
NTA, she is the ahole it is pretty clear.
I’m sending more than a little difference of opinion here. Nothing wrong with the position you are taking, it’s just the vibe I get that it is the surface issue of a much bigger problem.
Maybe I wrong and this is just one of a couple issues that the two of you have. But, my gut says there are other little things in life that the two of you don’t see eye-to-eye.
Ask yourself, if you can’t make her a cup of coffee without feeling bitter (no pun intended), what other holes do you have in your coffee filter (totally intended pun).
NTA
I can’t wrap my head around her logic. You started making her coffee on the possibility of one day starting to drink it as well, and then occasionally getting her to make it for you? That’s a convoluted long game with little (or possibly zero) payoff.
You started doing this as a way to show you love her. When she said she didn’t care or appreciate this gesture, that was a pretty clear indicator that you’re wasting your time doing so.