I (F28) recently lost a fair bit of weight and now my friend (F30) is saying I’m trying to upstage her at her wedding. My best friend “Emily” got engaged at the the end of last year and asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was super happy and of course said yes.
In the past 3 years I have put on some weight, about two dress sizes, it didn’t really bother me until recently so I decided to use the wedding as an excuse to loose some weight. I just find it easier to do if I have a goal and end date.
This past weekend we were bridesmaid dress shopping and Emily was acting kind of weird towards me, giving me funny looks and talking over me. The two other bridesmaids (one I’m friends with the other I don’t know very well) didn’t seem to notice so I brushed it off thinking she was just stressed.
Me and Emily live really close to each other so usually after something like this we would hang out for the day at one of our houses. At the end of the appointment I asked her who’s house she wanted to go to and she scoffed and told me she was going home. I asked what was wrong and this is when she went off on me.
I don’t remember word for word what she said because I was so confused and shocked. But these are the bits I remember- she basically said it was clear I was trying to loose weight to upstage her for her wedding, that I was already “the skinny friend” and now I’m just trying to make it all about me especially as I never cleared my weigh loss with her. She said I clearly knew what I was doing was wrong because I was still wearing oversized clothes to disguise my weight loss – I just haven’t updated my wardrobe and prefer to be comfortable over wearing tight fitting stuff.
I don’t consider myself skinny but I am the smallest out of the four of us, I also didn’t think about how changing my appearance would affect her vision for her wedding. I’ve never been a bridesmaid before so I don’t know if that was something I should have considered?
So I don’t think I’m the AH for loosing the weight – unless I am?
But AITH for not telling her I was going to loose weight?
EDIT: guys I now know it’s LOSE I’m sorry for my dyslexia, I would go and edit all of them out but 1. I have been told there are many I’m too lazy for that and 2. I now think it’s hilarious how annoying you all seem to find it
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I (F28) recently lost a fair bit of weight and now my friend (F30) is saying I’m trying to upstage her at her wedding. My best friend “Emily” got engaged at the the end of last year and asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was super happy and of course said yes.
In the past 3 years I have put on some weight, about two dress sizes, it didn’t really bother me until recently so I decided to use the wedding as an excuse to loose some weight. I just find it easier to do if I have a goal and end date.
This past weekend we were bridesmaid dress shopping and Emily was acting kind of weird towards me, giving me funny looks and talking over me. The two other bridesmaids (one I’m friends with the other I don’t know very well) didn’t seem to notice so I brushed it off thinking she was just stressed.
Me and Emily live really close to each other so usually after something like this we would hang out for the day at one of our houses. At the end of the appointment I asked her who’s house she wanted to go to and she scoffed and told me she was going home. I asked what was wrong and this is when she went off on me.
I don’t remember word for word what she said because I was so confused and shocked. But these are the bits I remember- she basically said it was clear I was trying to loose weight to upstage her for her wedding, that I was already “the skinny friend” and now I’m just trying to make it all about me especially as I never cleared my weigh loss with her. She said I clearly knew what I was doing was wrong because I was still wearing oversized clothes to disguise my weight loss – I just haven’t updated my wardrobe and prefer to be comfortable over wearing tight fitting stuff.
I don’t consider myself skinny but I am the smallest out of the four of us, I also didn’t think about how changing my appearance would affect her vision for her wedding. I’ve never been a bridesmaid before so I don’t know if that was something I should have considered?
So I don’t think I’m the AH for loosing the weight – unless I am?
But AITH for not telling her I was going to loose weight?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lost weight for my best friends wedding and didn’t tell her about it, does that make me an AH
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your weight is none of Emily’s business. The only time it matters is after the dresses have been bought (and even then it’s just about telling the bride and organising alterations).
I am so sick of brides that think they get to control weight or hair colour of their bridesmaids. Prepare yourself OP, Emily is probably just getting started.
You are NTA sadly your friend is now jealous of your weight loss and is upset that you ‘might’ look better than her on her Wedding day. She is totally out of order and probably panicking about everything that is going on building up to the event. Tell her you are still here for her, that nothing has changed, you are still her friend and that you love her. If there is time for her to diet too offer her help saying if I can do it you can and show her how you managed to drop two dress sizes.
Worst case scenario is to be prepared for no longer being her Bridesmaid if she can’t get out of her own head before the Big Day.
NTA
You’re not required to “clear” personal health decisions with anyone, wedding or not. Her reaction says way more about her insecurities than your actions.
> I never cleared my weigh loss with her.
LOL, what?
NTA
NTA
But FFS: losing.
NTA! She’s just pinning her own lack of weightloss on you. Probably comments from her own family or in laws. I’d say just talk to her probably in a public setting and explain if that’s how she’s going to be until the wedding youd rather drop out if you don’t want to handle that.
Me personally, I’d turn up in a massive fatsuit to be petty and explain that she wanted you to be fatter to compliment herself lol
there is no version of this where you are the asshole. your weight, your body is your business and your business alone. she’s obviously projecting something on you. the beauty of weight loss is that it is not exclusive. anybody can pursue it if they feel the need.
Your body size is nobody else’s business. NTA.
“Cleared your weight loss with her”? Is she fucking kidding? That is the stupidest and most controlling thing ever. Some people. SMH. NTA.
The idea that you would have to “clear” becoming healthier with a bride is absurd.
YTA
She wanted you to clear your weight loss with her first?!!!?! How dare she! Absolutely NTA and she is being completely unreasonable about this. (Also, well done on the weight loss – losing weight is tough and takes a lot of effort!)
First of all, it’s lose weight, not loose. Sorry to be pedantic, but you said “loose” three times and “loosing” twice.EDIT: OP says she’s dyslexic so I’m probably a jerk for pointing that out.But anyway, being a terrible speller doesn’t mean you’re the AH andyou’re definitely NTA in this situation. Emily has a bad case of MCS if she thinks that you are losing weight “at” her. I nearly did a spit-take when I got to the part where she’s mad that you didn’t “clear it” with her. lolNTA
It’s your weight, not attire, so it doesn’t need to match her preferences for the wedding. Losing weight is a personal choice, and you’re not obligated to tell her about it.
Maybe she’s always been a bit jealous when you were “skinnier” in her eyes. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have noticed or reacted so negatively right away.
Hope things smooth over quickly for you guys.
NTA. Jesus Christ. I can’t anymore with these bride stories.
My two bridesmaids were smaller than me – a lot smaller than me. But honestly, that thought never even crossed my mind at the time. They’re my best friends!
They would have been my bridesmaids no matter what – if they were supermodels, if they were 800 pounds, if they had pink hair, no legs, hairy armpits, full body tattoos, whatever. They weren’t my bridesmaids because of how they looked, or worse, because of how they made ME look! They were my bridesmaids because they were my best friends and I loved them, and I wanted them to be there with me on my big day, no matter what.
To the brides out there: If they’re hotter than you, prettier than you, thinner than you… get over it! That’s not what it’s about, and if you think that’s what it’s about…. you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Because you’re not in the right mental place to be starting a whole new adult life with someone else. You have to love yourself first. Get your shit together, get your priorities straight. Don’t project your shit on the people who love you the most.
NTA. You don’t need permission to “clear my weight loss with her” nor from anyone else.
If a dress she paid for that you need to wear has to be altered due to the weight loss, then the extra expense could be one reason for her outburst, aside from her insecurity. But you just went bridesmaid dress shopping so it’s not an issue.
I hope things will be better with her attitude towards you before she says more things against you.
NTA, you gotta be pretty insanely insecure to think someone else’s weight loss has anything to do with yourself
NTA. She is clearly insecure about the whole situation, but to accuse someone of making something on purpose to affect her wedding? Like? Honestly, I would step away as a bridesmaid at this point. And talk to your other friends.
NTA your friend is ridiculous, you losing weight is nothing to do with her. If she feels like you’re more attractive than her, that’s her issue to deal with and she shouldn’t be taking it out on you.
NTA. How is it your fault your friend is insecure? You’re making all the right choices for your health by trying to keep your weight down.
NTA. Your friend is insecure and jealous, and she’s taking it out on you, but the real problem is within her. You’re not obligated to ask permission to lose weight from anyone, not even the bride of a wedding you’re in. Something tells me if her attention wasn’t on you, it would eventually fall on someone else … she’s clearly feeling down about herself in some way and it’s tying in to worrying about how good she’ll look on her wedding day. If you’re close enough to look past the rudeness she’s shown you, maybe try to talk to her about it and see if you can help boost her self esteem and calm her worries. But don’t apologize, because if anyone should be apologizing, it’s her. You’ve done nothing wrong.
You’re never an AH for taking care of your body.
If this is her reaction, she’s not a friend. Begin distancing yourself from toxic people now before you get years on down the road and wish you had done things differently.
Good grief. Only a woman could berate another woman for improving themselves, losing unneeded weight and wanting to be desirable in her body. Only women do that, men never would.
. NTA. Who TF thinks losing weight is a tactic ruin an event? That is completely asinine
Why would someone being thin “upstage the bride”?
I don’t get this at all.
This is such weird behavior for adults to be engaging in, and frankly skinny trends are conservative coded. How about you talk to Emily about how being chubby is an act of resistance and girls girls don’t need to be measuring our waistband for the patriarchy.
NTA. True friends celebrate their friends’ wins because they are proud. They don’t put them down because of jealousy.
She’s maybe over stressed because of the wedding and any plans to lose weight on her end have not been working (or maybe she wasn’t trying to lose weight, which is perfectly fine).
Give her a chance to apologize, otherwise you can let her know you’ll be staying home since you wouldn’t want to upstage a diva on her special day /s.
If you’d told her you were losing weight specifically for her wedding, you might have been an asshole for that. But you didn’t. Your weight loss was not for her wedding at all and has nothing to do with her. It’s ridiculous to have to ask permission to lose weight! A very clear NTA. Her insecurity is not your problem.
NTA.
You don’t owe any control over your body to anybody else ever.
NTA.
Crazy to make someone else’s health and weight loss about them.
This isn’t a friend and probably never really was. She sounds like the type that is happy when her friends are down. Shame on anyone who wants to do better for themselves in her view is how it sounds. What a vile person. NTA.
NTA. Sorry your friend feels she needs to be surrounded by heavier friends in order for her to look good. She’s likely jealous of your accomplishment and feels you now look too good. Good friends don’t require you to be overweight so they can feel better about themselves.
You did nothing wrong. I commend you for caring about your health as packing around too much extra weight is not healthy. A good friend would support you in being healthier, not try to keep you down to make themselves feel better. You did not need her permission to decide to lose your extra weight.
NTA How bizarre. Bridesmaids come in all shapes and sizes, and you were already the skinny one when she asked you to be a bridesmaid. So what does it matter if you’re skinnier now? All eyes will be on the bride and groom anyway. She’s very insecure.
NTA. If she’s that worried about her own weight she can get on the treadmill next to you.
Weddings Send People Crazy, Part 364746273 of an ongoing series.
NTA just because you’re a bridesmaid does not mean you have to clear everything past the bride, including losing or gaining weight. Your body belongs to you.
Time to let Emily know you are NOT, the skinny friend, but rather the healthy ex friend and ex bride’s maid.
NTA. Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that, but you do you.
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NTA but a friend commenting on your body in such a manner really is not a friend. Maybe ditch both – her and the wedding.
NTA. What exactly is preventing her from losing weight, since she seems so concerned about yours?
NTA. Honestly, her claims are so outlandish I kinda wonder if they are true. That said, even true your allowed to do with your body as you wish.
Decline being a bridesmaid.
First, congratulations on the weight loss. We all know that isn’t easy. NTA, and I find it quite odd that she would want you to clear it with her. Even if Emily is acting out, know that we’re all proud of you. If Emily wants to make a change now that you’ve upset her apple cart because you’re the skinny friend, ask her to tell you before you buy the dress
NTA.
Welcome to Episode #8,629,373,764 of “Wedding Culture Sucks.”
Young girls are conditioned to be obsessed with their future wedding to an unhealthy degree, and that obsession is generally about aesthetics rather than having a wonderful confluence of loved ones. I don’t know if Emily is always this uptight about aesthetics, or if she’s just succumbing to that societal pressure. Either way, what she said (and in fact did) to you is unacceptable.
You obviously weren’t trying to upstage her in any way. Her paranoia on that front is unfounded in reality. You’ve been noticing a weight gain and decided this wedding was a good motivator to get yourself back into a more disciplined routine. You weren’t hiding your weight loss behind baggy clothes, you (like most people) don’t have the time or money to completely update your wardrobe when you drop a size or two.
And that said, people gain and lose weight for all sorts of reasons: diet, exercise, medical problems, depression, etc… for all she knew, you were experiencing an adverse medical weight loss and you weren’t ready to disclose, and here she is accusing you of malice without even a thought that it could be something else. I would never treat my friend that way, let alone my best friend.
Talk to her. Tell her what you’ve already said here. Ask her to think about how long you’ve been friends and to consider why she thinks you would do something like that to hurt her. Maybe the pressure is just getting to her and she’s not being herself. However, if I were in your shoes and she doubled down, I would wish her the wedding and life she deserves, and walk.
NTA. Your friend determining her self worth relative to you means that she’s cheering for your failure in life.
You shouldn’t have to put your self-improvement on hold to make her feel better. And her explanation that because you’re skinnier, you must find it less necessary to improve yourself is messed up. Just because she weighs more, that doesn’t mean you have to not care about your weight.
Also, her reasoning that she will be upstaged is a red flag about her thinking about the wedding. Nobody is going to notice that. Nobody is going to care. And if they did… so what? The wedding isn’t a pageant where she’s proving she’s the world’s hottest woman. It’s a ceremony to celebrate her relationship and a union of families and social circles. If “does this wedding make me look hot” is her top priority, she’s not ready to get married.
NTA. Why are you friends with a jealous cow?
“cleared my weight loss with her”. WTELF is wrong with people these days? NTA
What the actual..? No you’re NTA that’s fucking unhinged! You didn’t “clear it with her”??? That’s an insane thing to expect!
YTA not for losing weight but for the title.
NTA
She has no say in your weight loss. Asking you to put on weight is the same as her asking a bigger woman to lose weight for her “vision” or ego. You do you and keep this weirdness in mind when interacting with her in the future. Is she normally weird about you being “skinny”. I am also smaller than a lot of my friends, but they don’t say anything negative when I am trying to lose the 5lbs I put on this winter because it is MY body and I feel more confident (and my clothes fit better) at that size.
Her jealousy is showing and that is NOT a good look.
I’m petty, so I would be tempted to make her feel bad and say “I didn’t say anything, nor I do I want to now, but since you’ve made it into a big deal, I’m going through some personal stuff that’s causing me to lose weight. So thanks for making me feel bad on top of my health concern. I think you ought to find a different bridesmaid”
No one needs to know that your “personal stuff” is a lifestyle change due to wanting to be healthier… But that’s just me ♡
Wow. This woman sucks. NTA. She does not need to clear anything related to your health
NTA
What is it with brides going completely loco? That is … well I’m going with demented.
She sounds deeply insecure, which is not a reason of any kind to take it out on you. I would just say “no” to being a bridesmaid because this is not likely to get any better. Take a step back and offer to come as a guest if she’s like you to be there.
Nta the only reason to tell her you were planning on losing weight is if it’s related to the dress and meant it would need extra fitting post weight loss.
“You seem to believe I need to have your permission to take better care of my body and my health by losing weight. Help me understand why you should have any say in how I treat my body?” No matter what excuse she throws at you, your theme is “why do you think you should be in control of my body?”
Frankly, she’s not your friend. You might consider dropping the wedding and her. This isn’t going to end well. Her expectations and entitlement—and her insecurity issues—are egregious and there’s no way she’ll treat you well if your losing weight is seen as a personal attack on her. She should be celebrating with you, not tearing you down.
NTA
lose***
NTA. You are never TA for making decisions about your own body. You do not need to ask permission to feel good about yourself.
Your friend is TA for expecting you to look a certain way to prop her up. She’s the TA for making your body about herself. She’s jealous.
In what world, fuck that, in what universe, does your friend have veto power over the size of your body simply because she’s asked you to stand beside her on a given day when she’ll be signing a contract?
Wedding culture is ridiculous, and regularly causes people to lose every bit of their minds. This is beyond the pale though, even for that.
NTA. Obviously.
What the actual fuck?
YTA for not using paragraphs. But that’s about the only thing you did wrong, so….. no.
About the weight loss… I cant imagine a world where losing weight makes someone an asshole. I could think it unwise if it makes you unhealthy… as in “too thin” from a health perspective, or or lose too much too fast… but never an asshole or wrong.. ever…
ETA (As I didn’t read the post before commenting haha) you didnt clear your weight loss with her first!? Does she hear herself!? Since when does someone need permission to look after their body!?
I dont want to make assumptions about your friend, especially as theres likely added stress with the wedding coming up so this quite possibly isn’t her normal self, but my god… thats one hell of an overreaction…
NTA. She’s not much of a friend OP.
Listen. Youre not an asshole. But if I (an overweight woman) had one of my bridesmaids who is already thinner than me use MY WEDDING as an excuse to lose even more weight, when I know I’ve struggled with it and accepted that I just won’t be able to do the whole “get in the best shape of your life for your wedding” thing, and she’s going to be standing next to me at the alter for direct comparison, I’d be fucking crushed. Just imagining the hypothetical scenario now makes me want to cry, and I’m already married.
NAH. Dealing with your own body image is hell and our culture puts so much emphasis on women’s size, especially around Weddings.
NTA. Projecting insecurities much? She sounds sad
PROJECTION!!!
She’s jealous. Simple as.
NTA. You could lose even more weight by dropping a friend like that 💁🏻♀️.
Geez what is it about weddings that drives some women absolutely batshit.
NTA. She’s just mad that your success in losing the weight will make her feel like a fat bride. She’s choosing to put the blame on you, rather than on her own lack of self control where it belongs.
NTA.
But YTA for not knowing how to spell “lose.”