The set-up (bare facts)
Status quo – We broke up a week ago, but the tenancy is still joint and we still split the rent.
Players – Two mid-twenty-somethings; I’ll call the ex “EX.”
Why no instant escape? – Milan rents laugh at solo wallets, and neither of us can shoulder the full lease alone.
The night in question
At 05:00 on Saturday, EX rang my phone so I could buzz them in. They arrived with a friend who, I learned on the spot, would be sleeping on our sofa. She went straight to bed and isn’t part of the story again.
EX reached the hallway, collapsed against the wall (coat and shoes still on) and launched into the sort of dramatic monologue you’d expect from a drunken ex at five in the morning. I removed their outer layers, guided them to bed and tucked them in. They shivered, sobbed and cycled through:
- “You were not enough for me!”
- “Why didn’t you fight for us?”
- “You never cared.”
I offered water, kept my voice down and reminded them that we should be sleeping. After about an hour of uninterrupted drama they finally dozed off around 06:00.
My response
I couldn’t get back to sleep, so total rest that night was one hour. Running on fumes, I showered, grabbed a change of clothes, silenced my phone and spent the day at a friend’s place. I returned at 20:00, told EX what had happened (they remembered nothing) and said:
– I don’t want another emotional ambush.
– I’m worried about their drinking and want it to stop.
Fallout
EX agreed at first, but after talking to friends the next day they accused me of “abandoning” them and not even sending a “How are you feeling?” text. They point out that their friend and previous ex always check in, whereas I “just escaped out of self-centredness.”
Why I might be the arsehole
• I didn’t send a basic welfare text.
• EX’s friend was on the sofa; I could have handed over duty of care before leaving.
• I left without saying a word.
Why I might not be
• EX chose 5 a.m. drunken confession hour, and we’re post-break-up.
• We are now flat-mates, nothing more.
• I genuinely needed space for the day (I didn’t ghost them; I just stepped away).
So, Reddit, AITA for seizing my own peace and quiet after the 5 a.m. drama, or did I breach some unwritten post-relationship nursing code?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
The set-up (bare facts)
Status quo – We broke up a week ago, but the tenancy is still joint and we still split the rent.
Players – Two mid-twenty-somethings; I’ll call the ex “EX.”
Why no instant escape? – Milan rents laugh at solo wallets, and neither of us can shoulder the full lease alone.
The night in question
At 05:00 on Saturday, EX rang my phone so I could buzz them in. They arrived with a friend who, I learned on the spot, would be sleeping on our sofa. She went straight to bed and isn’t part of the story again.
EX reached the hallway, collapsed against the wall (coat and shoes still on) and launched into the sort of dramatic monologue you’d expect from a drunken ex at five in the morning. I removed their outer layers, guided them to bed and tucked them in. They shivered, sobbed and cycled through:
I offered water, kept my voice down and reminded them that we should be sleeping. After about an hour of uninterrupted drama they finally dozed off around 06:00.
My response
I couldn’t get back to sleep, so total rest that night was one hour. Running on fumes, I showered, grabbed a change of clothes, silenced my phone and spent the day at a friend’s place. I returned at 20:00, told EX what had happened (they remembered nothing) and said:
– I don’t want another emotional ambush.
– I’m worried about their drinking and want it to stop.
Fallout
EX agreed at first, but after talking to friends the next day they accused me of “abandoning” them and not even sending a “How are you feeling?” text. They point out that their friend and previous ex always check in, whereas I “just escaped out of self-centredness.”
Why I might be the arsehole
• I didn’t send a basic welfare text.
• EX’s friend was on the sofa; I could have handed over duty of care before leaving.
• I left without saying a word.
Why I might not be
• EX chose 5 a.m. drunken confession hour, and we’re post-break-up.
• We are now flat-mates, nothing more.
• I genuinely needed space for the day (I didn’t ghost them; I just stepped away).
So, Reddit, AITA for seizing my own peace and quiet after the 5 a.m. drama, or did I breach some unwritten post-relationship nursing code?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action: after my ex came home severely drunk and distressed at 5 a.m., I left our flat for twelve hours without waking her friend, arranging anyone to watch her, or even sending a quick welfare text.
Why that might make me the asshole: walking out looks neglectful and uncaring; also not checking on him in the day
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
I can’t believe you did 5am drunken rant from an Ex with so much good grace.
You now qualify to apply for sainthood.
NTA
You’re not required to stay on call for their emotional meltdowns. If they want 24/7 care, they’re in the wrong flatmate situation.
Ex needs a reality check.
NAH or ESH, just two cringe people. You left out why you broke up.
Regardless, you are both adults. You chose to break up. You chose to live together. You chose awkward AF emotional exchanges. And you had them.
You both seem emotionally to immature, based on the information at hand, to be living together. You or they need to move out. Until then suck it up, and both of you need to literally live with the baggage of each other.
nta. y’all broke up, they’re not your responsibility anymore. you needed space, took it, and didn’t even ghost—just dipped for your own sanity. ex can cry to their lil backup crew all they want, but if they want a caretaker, they can go date one.
NTA, you’re not their nanny or their nurse, you’re a roommate. Frankly what you did was already above and beyond the call of duty for a roommate. In no way are you obligated to calibrate your life around their expectation of continued emotional labor just because y’all used to sleep together. If their friend or their other ex is willing to step in to fulfill that need, they’re more than welcome.
NTA
Don’t engage, just ignore the Ex. Luckily, she is not YOUR drama any more.
You’re not together. You owe him nothing.
She’s trying to guilt trip you. She did it drunk, and now she’s doing it sober.
Grief is hard, and she’s hurting. Hopefully she’ll feel better about the breakup soon. But if she persists in making her grief your problem, you’ll need to figure out ways to protect yourself from that.
She has no right to be upset after coming home so drunk she messed up your sleep. She should take some f’ing responsibility for herself before nitpicking your behavior.
“I want the out-of-control drinking to stop” is great. But if it keeps happening, try the formula:
The next time you X, I’m going to Y.
For example: The next time you come home drunk and try talking to me when I need to sleep, I’m going to take a break. I won’t be taking care of you. I won’t be in touch at all until the next time I see you sober. If you need support while you’re drinking, you’ll have to get it from other friends.
NTA. You were very kind to get your ex into bed and then sit listening to drunken ramblings until they fell asleep. You didn’t even leave your ex alone, although I don’t think you were obliged to hang around all day in any case. You certainly couldn’t explain before you left – the ex was asleep/passed out and in any case there’s nothing more pointless than trying to say anything to someone who’s drunk. I don’t even think a “welfare text” is needed; your ex is presumably an adult and perfectly capable of nursing their hangover themselves.
I think you did right in stepping away instead of being drawn into the tedious job of nursing the hungover ex.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
At 5:00 a.m. I’ll just tell them to get a hotel NTA
YOU ARE NOT HIS GF. THEREFORE,HE DOES NOT GET GF PRIVILEGES. NTA
NTA. And thank you for that well-written, well-organized post! 👍
You were much nicer and caring than I probably would have been in your situation. He needs to get his stuff together (and preferably drink less). All the best to you and I hope you’ll find a new affordable place soon.
Yes it was error I meant NTA. It was typo.
NTA – you are not responsible for anyone’s emotional state other than yourself. If you need to be “selfish” for your own wellbeing, good! If you can help others, great! But priority is always yourself first.
Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others
NTA. You don’t owe this ex anything. You’re broken up. I wouldn’t have even listened to an hour of that bullshit. You did the right thing. Push this person out of your mind, they’re not your responsibility and are trying to emotionally manipulate you.
Sadly, they’ll never find happiness at the bottom of a bottle, they need therapy.
But don’t make anymore comments, just leave it alone.
Since you broke up because they wanted to, it’s time to make up a roommate agreement for the remainder of the lease or else it’ll be a tough summer.
You both have to pay rent and expenses on time and keep the common areas clean, split chores, decide on groceries. That’s it.
They already made their life decision that they didn’t want you in it. So it’s time they started acting like it.
If you weren’t good enough as a SO before, there’s no reason for you to jump thru hoops now that it’s over.
You are no longer required to fight for your relationship since they said it was over.
You don’t have to live up to whatever standard they thought or act any way other than common decency and civility since it’s over.
You don’t have to care in a SO way, since you’re no longer significant others to each other.
You should set parameters on when company comes over, how long, where they stay and advanced notice if required.
They can’t eat their cake and have it too, while you get beaten over your head just for existing and trying to move on.
Check your lease. If you can sublet your part you should be able to get someone to take a summer in Milan so you can move out early.
NTA