I (24M) am wondering if I’m the asshole for not having a birthday cake ready at midnight for my girlfriend (27F). We’ve been together for a year and a half.
For context, we were out celebrating a festival at a friend’s place and came back around midnight on her birthday. When we got home, she started crying because I didn’t have a cake ready for her. The thing is, we had multiple conversations before her birthday where I specifically asked what kind of cake she wanted, but she dismissed the idea each time, saying she didn’t need one. She claims that she had told others not to get her a cake because she expected one from me specifically. I apparently didn’t listen to what she was actually saying, so there seems to be some miscommunication there, but I honestly don’t remember her making that distinction.
After she got upset, we had a huge fight last night. The next morning, I went out early and got her a cake, breakfast, and flowers as a way to make it up to her, but she wanted to leave and go back to her own place.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. It’s a pattern where she becomes inconsolable over what I consider to be small mistakes from my end. When she gets upset, she cries and says things like I don’t love her, I don’t do enough for her, and that all I do is damage control after messing up.
I used to go the extra mile for her by quite a bit, but I’ve been toning it down a little lately – though not to the point where it’s non-existent. I still get very thoughtful presents and try to do both little and big things for her. Part of the reason is that I’m currently in the middle of a job hunt (so is she), and I haven’t been in the frame of mind to go out and do a lot of stuff.
I usually put a lot of thought into gifts for her, but when she’s upset, she acts like I never do anything for her. The worst part is that it’s usually something small that sets her off, and then there’s no making it up to her. She’ll get extremely upset as if I’ve done something terrible, followed by constant guilt-tripping.
This whole dynamic gives me a lot of anxiety because I never know what might trigger her next emotional explosion, and she seems constantly anxious that I don’t love her or will leave her.
Today is actually her birthday, and I don’t know what I can do now since she said she’s inconsolable and prefers to be alone, which is what she told me before she left.
AITA for not having the cake at midnight when she previously said she didn’t want one? And more broadly, AITA for finding this pattern of behavior exhausting?
Note: I would appreciate if nobody suggested anything drastic. Nobody’s perfect. I do love her very much, and I would rather get better at dealing with these situations. I’m not perfect, nor is she, and I’m perfectly fine with that.
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I (24M) am wondering if I’m the asshole for not having a birthday cake ready at midnight for my girlfriend (27F). We’ve been together for a year and a half.
For context, we were out celebrating a festival at a friend’s place and came back around midnight on her birthday. When we got home, she started crying because I didn’t have a cake ready for her. The thing is, we had multiple conversations before her birthday where I specifically asked what kind of cake she wanted, but she dismissed the idea each time, saying she didn’t need one. She claims that she had told others not to get her a cake because she expected one from me specifically. I apparently didn’t listen to what she was actually saying, so there seems to be some miscommunication there, but I honestly don’t remember her making that distinction.
After she got upset, we had a huge fight last night. The next morning, I went out early and got her a cake, breakfast, and flowers as a way to make it up to her, but she wanted to leave and go back to her own place.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. It’s a pattern where she becomes inconsolable over what I consider to be small mistakes from my end. When she gets upset, she cries and says things like I don’t love her, I don’t do enough for her, and that all I do is damage control after messing up.
I used to go the extra mile for her by quite a bit, but I’ve been toning it down a little lately – though not to the point where it’s non-existent. I still get very thoughtful presents and try to do both little and big things for her. Part of the reason is that I’m currently in the middle of a job hunt (so is she), and I haven’t been in the frame of mind to go out and do a lot of stuff.
I usually put a lot of thought into gifts for her, but when she’s upset, she acts like I never do anything for her. The worst part is that it’s usually something small that sets her off, and then there’s no making it up to her. She’ll get extremely upset as if I’ve done something terrible, followed by constant guilt-tripping.
This whole dynamic gives me a lot of anxiety because I never know what might trigger her next emotional explosion, and she seems constantly anxious that I don’t love her or will leave her.
Today is actually her birthday, and I don’t know what I can do now since she said she’s inconsolable and prefers to be alone, which is what she told me before she left.
AITA for not having the cake at midnight when she previously said she didn’t want one? And more broadly, AITA for finding this pattern of behavior exhausting?
Note: I would appreciate if nobody suggested anything drastic. Nobody’s perfect. I do love her very much, and I would rather get better at dealing with these situations. I’m not perfect, nor is she, and I’m perfectly fine with that.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not getting my girlfriend a birthday cake at midnight despite her expectation that I would. Although I asked her multiple times what cake she wanted and she dismissed it saying she “didn’t need one,” I may have missed her actual meaning – that she didn’t need one from others but did expect one from me specifically. I could be the asshole for not picking up on this subtle communication or for not making a greater effort on her birthday knowing how important these gestures are to her. Also, I’ve admittedly been “toning down” how much I go the extra mile for her lately due to job hunting stress and financial concerns, which might make me the asshole if I’ve been neglecting her emotional needs or not putting in the same level of effort she expects in our relationship.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA….I did not read all replies, but I saw your update, so I am going to assume a lot are saying to let her go.
You state that you would rather get better at dealing with these situations. How exactly? How does one get better when one never knows what small thing is going to upset the other one?
You cannot deal with a person who loses control over miscommunication on their part, turns it around on you and then says you don’t love them. This is called manipulation, whether they know they are doing it or not.
What you can do is stop putting up with the nonsense. Call your girlfriend out on her behavior instead of sucking up and trying to make her feel better for something that is beyond your control.
NTA. This is what is called crazy making behavior, or, to usa term that gets a lot of bullshit lately, gaslighting. She specifically told you one thing,but then pretends she said the exact opposite. Conveniently enough, it’s just in time for her to manipulate you and make you seem like you are failing her so you can make an extra investment in time and money to appease her. I guess if you like manipulation and dishonesty, don’t do anything drastic, but that’s no way to live.
NTA, sounds like she wants you to read her mind, sounds like she also expects a lot.
YTA, to yourself
NTA. If the expectation is that you are supposed to read minds, be flawless, doting, and never disappointing, then regardless of whether you want anything drastic suggested or not, drastic is what you’ll end up with. You’re going to spend your life on a hamster wheel, chasing her impossible standards until either you get fed up, or she does. Who the fuck eats cake at midnight on their birthday? I think this brat needs a reality check, and you need some deep re-evaluation of this relationship.
YTA to yourself. She’s gaslighting you. She knows what she said to you. She knows she told you no cake, but she wants to fight. She wants the drama. She wants your insecurity, she wants you to feel crazy so you will bow down to her at any given moment, despite any logic or previous agreements. She turns on a dime and you catch all the blame. People like this don’t change. It just escalates from here. If you’re not willing to take action, then why are you here? It doesn’t matter what any of us say if you are just going to let her treat you in any terrible way she chooses without repercussion.
NTA I’m about to get petty here. Ask her mum what time of the day/night she was born and give it to her then. Please tell us it’s 3am so that you’ll wake her up to give it to her then.
NTA, her behaviour is ridiculous and terribly immature, it’s time for a good talk where both of you discuss expectations in this relationship.
You’re not an asshole. You made an effort and asked her what she wanted, respected her answer, and even tried to make it up to her the next day. That shows care. Her reaction, on the other hand, sounds emotionally draining. It’s not fair to expect you to read her mind and then punish you when you don’t. Wanting to get better at handling things is admirable, but it has to be a two-way street. Love without emotional safety and communication will wear you down.
Why are you dating someone that immature?
NTA – and these behaviors are GIANT red flags. You need to reevaluate the relationship, because these “constant guilt-tripping” behaviors aren’t likely to stop. This isn’t on you to “fix”.
NTA
I never understood people who are like “I don’t want you to do the thing” and then they get mad when you don’t do the thing.
She said she didn’t want cake. Period. If she wanted cake, then she should have agreed to cake.
NTA – she is DRAMA.
OP’s girlfriend sounds extremely emotionally immature if this is how she handles small situations. She told OP she DIDN’T want a cake but then sobs and is inconsolable over OP NOT getting her one? Make it make sense! Also constantly guilt tripping is extremely immature. She shouldn’t be in a relationship period.
She sounds 18 not 27. You will never be able to make her happy…cut your losses
NTA but here’s the thing she’s incredibly immature for her age. She doesn’t communicate well. Is this what you want for the rest of your life because let me tell you love isn’t enough. Love isn’t enough. You need respect and right now she isn’t showing any for you. Her behavior is unacceptable and immature.
Dude what the fuck. You’re being walked all over. Have you included being a doormat on your resume?
NTA, Tell her it’s incredibly hurtful when she says you don’t love her over every little mistake or miscommunication. She’s acting like she wants you to be begging her forgiveness 24/7 and that’s not sustainable.
NTA in answer to your question.
You are being one to yourself if you continue in this relationship, which is apparently what you want to do.
Your girlfriend is playing mind games with you. She’s deliberately keeping you on edge, making you walk on eggshells around her, second guessing yourself as you try to figure out what little thing is going to set her off.
It’s a powerplay. It’s manipulation. It’s control. It’s unhealthy.
Get out now before she completely ruins your mental health.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE, PEOPLE
After reading the post and OPs response to comments, I’m convinced they’re two non-serious people who will eventually marry and quickly divorce.
Don’t bother with advice.
Have you tried respecting yourself?
NTA. If she specifically said that she didn’t want a cake when she actually did, then it’s not miscommunication. It’s her being wrong about what she wants and then being upset at someone else for it.
NTA for not having a cake at midnight for a multitude of reasons.
ESH. Y’all need therapy, desperately. I say that seriously as someone who has done therapy in order to be a better partner. These problems aren’t going to magically go away, and you can’t “get better at dealing with” clear manipulation. If you truly want to stay together you are BOTH going to have to work at it. If she’s not willing to do that, then she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship.
She does sound exhausting. Unless you can actually read minds this relationship is going to suck the life out of you. Time to let her go you are not the NTA she is a drama queen.
was she drunk/high after the festival? is she just doubling down in the light of day instead of taking accountability for being drunk/high/unreasonable? esh – her for being diva and you for trying too hard to please her. u ever heard of u can’t reason with an unreasonable person?
NTA – your gf is not emotionally mature to be in a relationship. She’s volatile, refuses to be accountable, demands her wants are met and tries to punish you when you are not a whipped little monkey reading her mind. This isn’t love. It’s control. People are trying to get through to you in these comments. If you stay and allow her to continue to emotionally manipulate you, you will continue to suffer. I hope you realize you deserve more and her actions are not the sign of a healthy partner with healthy attachment.
Obviously NTA, but then you clearly already knew that. Hence why you “find this pattern of behaviour exhausting”.
>I would appreciate if nobody suggested anything drastic. Nobody’s perfect. I do love her very much, and I would rather get better at dealing with these situations.
Sure nobody’s perfect. But there’s a big difference between “not perfect” and “becomes inconsolable over small mistakes”. And they’re only mistakes if we accept that a mistake means “not being a mind reader who knows that his girlfriend secretly wants him to do the opposite of the thing she explicitly told him to do multiple times.” Which I certainly wouldn’t if I were in your position.
I know you don’t want to hear people advise you to break up, but I’m honestly not sure what you DO want. You already know you’re NTA – except maybe to yourself. The problem is mate, YOU CAN’T “get better at dealing with these situations” because you aren’t the one causing them. The problem is your girlfriend, who tells you one thing multiple times & then punishes you for listening to her and not doing the opposite.
It sounds like she thinks that it would “prove” you love her if you know her well enough to tell when she’s lying about what she wants. That’s just childish. Adults use their adult words to say what they want. If she can’t or won’t do that, then she’s not ready for an adult relationship. Either end it, or resign yourself to the fact that this is what your relationship will stay like. Do you want to be exhausted forever?
INFO: why midnight? What’s the point of that?
She’s manipulative crying crocodile tears
NTA It sounds like she very possibly has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). You should read up on it and see if that seems accurate to you and then figure out what you think is the best way for you to proceed. You didn’t do anything wrong, this isn’t a problem that you can fix.