My father in law constantly offers to come clean our house and I find it insulting. To me it says “hey, you can’t clean your own house and live like pigs so I’ll do it for you”. My wife says it’s just his thing and he’s doing it to be nice but it really bothers me and I have told her and him this. AITA?
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My father in law constantly offers to come clean our house and I find it insulting. To me it says “hey, you can’t clean your own house and live like pigs so I’ll do it for you”. My wife says it’s just his thing and he’s doing it to be nice but it really bothers me and I have told her and him this. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to let my father in law come clean our house. My wife says he’s just doing it to be nice but I find it insulting.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
To me it says I recognize your busy lives and would like to take this off your plate for you
I mean, how dirty is your house?
Anyone who wants to come over to my house and clean for free is welcome!
INFO: What type of tone does he say it in? It could be an offer if the approach was right.
Kinda YTA, yeah. You’re making pretty big assumptions about what your FIL thinks, even when your wife, his daughter, has told you his motivations are completely innocent.
FILs being FILs, I think if what you’re thinking were true, he’d have told you.
Since you don’t mention the dynamic between you it’s hard to know how to read this. If he’s hypercritical, always finding fault and generally suggesting you aren’t up to his standards that’s one thing. If he bored, needs things to do for just likes to help, that’s another. Unless you have a reason not to, trust your wife on this and let him do this.
NTA but your daft, someone is offering to clean your house and your refusing, let him clean and provide the beers. I suspect he wants an excuse to spend time with you. Men and wierd
I get where you’re coming from but I can also see that he’s probably just trying to help hmmm maybe setting some clear boundaries could make things less awkward?
NTA. It’s your house. You’re wife need to tell her dad to stop with those type of comments. They seem disrespectful.
Depends. Are you nice about? But also, WHY would you say no? If he gonna find your kinky sex toys and stuff? Lock em in a chest.
I think NAH, seems like maybe he speaks acts of service as his love language.
Send him my way. He can clean my house if he likes 😄
Yta .Oh man. I would die for this offer. It’s not insulting. He’s trying to help in a way that he can. His love language is probably acts of service.
YTA
Do YOU think your house looks like a pigsty and that’s why it offends you so much? What’s the worst that’ll happen letting him clean a relatively clean house? It seems you’re nervous he’ll snoop through your things perhaps. 🤔
It just seems like a giant leap against your FIL offering a service; like if your FIL was offering to trim your hair, would you assume he was judging your hair as dirty? You seem unfriendly and unwilling so I can only imagine. 🙁
NAH. He is free to offer and you are free to decline. I personally would happily have him clean for me for free but that’s me.
INFO: do you and your wife share house chores? Who does the cleaning? Would this help out your family? Is ego the issue here or would the free help ease the burden and help you both focus on other aspects of life?
How nasty is your house if he’s constantly talking about cleaning it?
NAH. Some people really enjoy cleaning and get excited at the idea they can do that for someone they care about and can’t see why someone would be upset by that. On the other hand it’s your personal space so he needs to take the hint that you’ve not said yes yet. You might want to consider it though one time to see how it goes and how it affects your relationship…
That is, of course, unless he’s been directly disparaging about this or anything else and this is just a pattern. In which case that would make him TA. But you can’t just assume that if it’s not a larger pattern…
Is your house filthy?
Nta. You’re not required to let him clean your house if you don’t want him to and nothing wrong with that as it’s your decision. I do think he is trying to be kind and helpful though but nothing wrong with turning him down.
Are you offering to clean up what he would clean? Or is your wife expected to clean it? If you want to take on the extra work yourself and actually get it done then that’s fine. If you’re not gonna do it all yourself then YTA. Cause then you’re putting more on your wife’s plate.
Yta. What if this is not about you at all? What if this is about someone trying to be useful and kind? Are you in the habit of assuming whatever will make you look like you are being picked on?
NTA. He might just be trying to help. But It’s your house and you should feel comfortable in it.
My ex refused to speak to his mum about coming to iron our clothes and it used to drive me mad.
INFO: ok we need way more info. What is the relationship with him like? How exactly is he asking? Does he work? Does he offer the same for other people?
The man may be trying to help and to make your life easier.
INFO, because your post has like, no detail whatsoever:
* what’s the overall dynamic like between you, him, and your wife?
* how clean is/isn’t your house on a regular basis?
* does he just have nothing better to do? don’t mean this in a rude way
* is it possible that acts of service are important to him for communicating love?
* have you never experienced the joy of your home being spotless without you lifting a finger?
NTA it’s your house and you don’t have to let other people do things in it.
That being said, how bad is the house?? NOBODY has ever offered to clean my house bc I keep it clean and tidy. My ex wife had friends and family offer to help clean her house and she took the offer the same way you are: insulted and indignant. The thing is, her house is horrific with trash, pet waste, and filth everywhere.
LOL God yes come clean my house will you? I hate house work and he would be more than welcome. But I don’t think he is insulting. My cousin loves cleaning and arranging stuff. She use to clean my place and then yell at me if I moved something. LOL she is married and lives in another state now. 😢
I’d be insulted. My SIL had her house cleaned by her daughter’s teenage friends. Imagine how messy it was to have teens voluntarily clean it up.
Info…. Has your wife given birth yet, or is she still heavily pregnant?
I mean… is your house dirty?
NTA Regardless of his conscious intentions, he obviously thinks you two don’t clean your house properly, and aren’t on top of things yourselves, otherwise he wouldn’t offer. He wouldn’t see a normally clean house and regularly offer to come clean it just because.
If you accepted his offer, he’d lose respect for you, and so would people who know he does this, because this is something you obviously should be doing yourselves as adults maintaining your own household. Even if he truly is a helpful house fairy in disguise, who just loves cleaning, the underlying response to you accepting this wouldn’t change.
There’s one more thing though — you’ve already told him that his offer bothers you and yet he still keeps making it. I think this takes things out of the innocent category. He’s either an insensitive person who thinks his intentions are what count and it’ll all be good if you just let him do what he wants (regardless of your stated opinion), or he is playing some sort of territorial/mind game and the offer itself is a dig.
NTA, that’s not the language of someone being nice, that’s the language of someone insulting, trying to make a power play. The heck with that.
You shut your mouth and you accept his help. He’s not doing it to insult you, he’s doing it to show his love to his daughter and wanting his daughter and son in law to have a clean home. Maybe this man is lonely and this is way of connecting. Or he’s so bored, he NEEDS this. Does your house need that much cleaning? Do you leave shit all over the place? Why else would you feel bad about some help from family. There’ll come a day when you WISH he was around to help out. Enjoy it while you can.
Why don’t you clean it and when he comes round, say “look I did it”