So here’s the situation. My mom was visiting me for the past week, and she left today. I was emotionally drained and just wanted some time to myself. For context, my girlfriend usually comes over every Friday and stays till Monday — it’s our regular arrangement.
Today, I asked her if she could come tomorrow (Saturday) instead of Friday because I needed some me-time. I was honest about it, and based on past experiences, I expected this might not go smoothly. But surprisingly, she was fine with it and said, “Yeah, okay, I’ll come tomorrow.”
Later in the evening, after I got home from going out for a bit, I tried calling her. She didn’t answer. Then she texted me something vague, and when I called her back, she said she now needed me-time and didn’t want to talk. It was very abrupt and honestly felt cold, like she was trying to punish me or throw it back at me.
I told her that her behavior felt like a red flag — specifically because every time I express my needs or try to talk about my feelings, she gets distant or upset. It’s a pattern I’ve seen before, and I’m getting tired of it. She got angry, and now the whole fight is about me calling her behavior a “red flag,” not about what she’s actually upset about (which she still hasn’t told me, by the way).
The only thing I can think of that might have triggered her earlier in the day was this: I have a Lenskart membership with ₹800 cashback. Her sister wanted to buy new glasses using my account for a discount. My girlfriend asked if they could use that ₹800 cashback too. This time I just said a clear “no” — no sugarcoating or trying to be overly nice — because I genuinely need that money for my own eye test and possible new lenses, something she already knew about. That’s literally the only thing that could’ve made her upset earlier.
Now she’s acting distant and cold, and I’m left trying to piece things together on my own again. I’m honestly just exhausted from overthinking, walking on eggshells, and always trying to maintain peace in my own head.
So… AITA for calling out her behavior and saying it felt like a red flag?
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So here’s the situation. My mom was visiting me for the past week, and she left today. I was emotionally drained and just wanted some time to myself. For context, my girlfriend usually comes over every Friday and stays till Monday — it’s our regular arrangement.
Today, I asked her if she could come tomorrow (Saturday) instead of Friday because I needed some me-time. I was honest about it, and based on past experiences, I expected this might not go smoothly. But surprisingly, she was fine with it and said, “Yeah, okay, I’ll come tomorrow.”
Later in the evening, after I got home from going out for a bit, I tried calling her. She didn’t answer. Then she texted me something vague, and when I called her back, she said she now needed me-time and didn’t want to talk. It was very abrupt and honestly felt cold, like she was trying to punish me or throw it back at me.
I told her that her behavior felt like a red flag — specifically because every time I express my needs or try to talk about my feelings, she gets distant or upset. It’s a pattern I’ve seen before, and I’m getting tired of it. She got angry, and now the whole fight is about me calling her behavior a “red flag,” not about what she’s actually upset about (which she still hasn’t told me, by the way).
The only thing I can think of that might have triggered her earlier in the day was this: I have a Lenskart membership with ₹800 cashback. Her sister wanted to buy new glasses using my account for a discount. My girlfriend asked if they could use that ₹800 cashback too. This time I just said a clear “no” — no sugarcoating or trying to be overly nice — because I genuinely need that money for my own eye test and possible new lenses, something she already knew about. That’s literally the only thing that could’ve made her upset earlier.
Now she’s acting distant and cold, and I’m left trying to piece things together on my own again. I’m honestly just exhausted from overthinking, walking on eggshells, and always trying to maintain peace in my own head.
So… AITA for calling out her behavior and saying it felt like a red flag?
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> First, I called my girlfriend or red flag and second because it hurt her
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Dude, you asked for one evening of alone time after a week with your mom — totally reasonable. Her flipping the script and suddenly needing “me-time” right after sounds way more like passive-aggressive payback than genuine self-care. That’s not healthy communication, that’s emotional tit-for-tat.
And yeah, calling that a red flag isn’t some wild accusation — it’s literally you recognizing a toxic pattern. If you constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells or being punished for expressing needs, something’s off. You’re not crazy for noticing it.
You deserve peace, not power plays.
NTA it’s absolutely a red flag. You asked for an evening to yourself and some alone time because you just finished hosting your mom. Her response not to communicate like a grown up but to say sure and then passive aggressively ignore you to teach you a lesson.
If these are pretty regular type issues I’m having a hard time understanding why you’re still with her.
NTA. Her behavior is retaliatory and shows a lack of emotional maturity. She clearly has some rejection issues she needs to work through, hence her response to you asking for a night to yourself. It’s a sign of insecurity. An adult who is secure with themselves and their relationship would find no need to act out and be rude to their significant other just because they asked for a night to themselves.
NTA but by your own admission, OP, this is not new behavior on your GF’s part. You’ve noticed a regular pattern of her punishing you in this manner when she doesn’t get her way and you’re “exhausted from overthinking, walking on eggshells, and always trying to maintain peace in [your] own head.”
So, my question to you is: why, exactly are you putting up with this kind of emotional abuse?
How much longer and how many more times are you going to allow her to hurt you this way before you respect yourself enough to say ‘no more’ and cut ties?
Seriously, think abou this…
NTA mostly.
I think telling her that she was showing red flag behavior was a bit jerk-ish. You should try to address issues calmly and with an open mind. I think she might have personal issues or just plain misinterpreted you/your actions.
To address it, you should tell her your perspective, what you meant/wanted, and interpretations of her actions without being rude. Then listen to her side.
She might be unreasonable and not good to be in a relationship with, but it really sounds just like a lot of miscommunication/misinterpretation to me.
NTA. You are perfectly in your right to have a night off. And you shouldn’t be letting other people use your Lenskart cards, medical cards, charge cards or anything else! Your girlfriend’s behavior really IS a red flag – but most people lack the ability to see that their own behavior is a problem, so don’t expect her to respond favorably to hearing that. You could try talking to her again without sounding accusatory and see what happens. Or look for a new girlfriend who is secure enough to give you some space.
NTA, regardless of if it’s because she’s “throwing it back at you,” or because of the red flag comment, or the Lenskart account, she is indeed throwing red flags.
it’s okay you told what you feel, this is crucial in every relationship
ESH. If you need me-time, then I don’t see why you’re begrudging her me-time, too. How is it a red flag when she asks for it but not when you do? I don’t see why she insists on using your cash-back bonus, though. The fact that you’re still with her suggests that she likes to cause drama and you like to chase it. Don’t tell her she’s waving red flags. That’s not going to fix anything. It’s just going to make her angry and escalate the drama. If she’s waving red flags, then just dump her.
YTA. She asked for the same thing you did, and you could have just left it there. Instead you picked a fight, and insulted her.
NTA. But you say “based on past experiences, I expected this might not go smoothly” and “every time I express my needs or try to talk about my feelings, she gets distant or upset,” so I’m not sure why you’re with her. Calling something a “red flag” when you’ve consistently and constantly put up with it in the past isn’t really helpful. Hopefully in a future relationship you’ll be more proactive and discuss things that upset you rather than tolerating subpar treatment for a long time.
Nta Come on dude. She sounds insufferable. Id bail
Don’t really have an opinion other than this … if you make a point of not wanting to see someone because you need “me time” then don’t try conversing with them during said “me time”. Admit, I would have had no problem giving my girlfriend “me time”, but would have annoyed the hell out of me if she tried to contact me during that time.
NTA sounds like it’s time to break up and move on
She felt rejected. Unjustly, but rejected nonetheless. So when she asked for me time, I would have given it to her, so she would know how to handle YOUR me time request. No pouting, tantrums or passive aggressive behavior. Just left her alone until the next day. NTA, but definitely a talk is needed about personal space.
NTA
If she got mad for either of the reasons list it is still a red flag. Your lenskart account is for you and not her or her family. Thats crazy to think you should pay out of pocket to her sister or anyone else.
Also, yes everyone needs time alone or with just friends.
YTA
You told your girlfriend you needed alone time, and she was fine with it. That was an easy win.
Then the same night, you called her and she didn’t answer, because she was doing something else.
Then you texted her, and she said she was doing her own thing, which is exactly what you asked her to do.
Then you phoned her again, on the night you told her you were going to do your own thing.
Then you told her her behaviour, which was absolutely normal, was a red flag?
Now you’re surprised she is finding you exhausting?
Jesus, I’m exhausted and I just learned you existed 4 minutes ago. Been on AITA a while, and this is the first time I feel like I’m living on a different planet than everyone else. You can’t ask for alone time – to which she said yes and then call, then text, then call, and wonder why she isn’t interested in talking.
NTA. OP, I’ve been at the receiving end of similar stuff like this. It’s exhausting, it’s draining, you fear opening up about it and you suppress — to not have to deal with the fall-out. Bitterness and resentment develops and you become deeply unhappy.
Talk to her about it, start a dialogue. Lay it all out. Tell her you don’t want to fight, to just resolve this and move forward. If again she rebels, causes a scene and makes you regret even bringing it up, feel gaslit, feel burnt out, then you need to start having a conversation with yourself if you think you can continue with the relationship, because not a single one can sustain without healthy communication during conflict.
NTA but why are you putting up with this shit. She’s acting like a moody teenager. Drop her ass.
If you didn’t, in future, when needing me-time, it might be helpful to give some context…like “ after a week with my mom I am mentally exhausted and need a little downtime to recover. I won’t be good company . Would you mind coming tomorrow instead of tonight?”
I used to date someone who got all butt hurt and offended if I didn’t want to see him. Took it as a personal affront. Run.
nta, but if you actually used the words “red flag behavior”, that was a very poor choice of words and undoubtedly pissed her off. Insert more filter between brain and mouth.
If you need me time why are you going out?
You honestly sound both exhausting to be around. The red flags you are happily pointing out are the same you are waving yourself.
Nowhere in your post do I see you asking her the reasons she needs some me time. You are just assuming that she does it for revenge. As if she is not her own person and is not allowed to also need some time to herself.
Have you thought that she might have seen the benefits of being alone for one night and just wanted to continue with her plans? And you texting and calling her got in the way of the plans she made when you told her you wanted to be alone?
You are the one asking to be left alone, then you continuously text and call her during that supposed “me time” and then get mad at her when she tells you she wants to be by herself.
You don’t even know the reasons she told you she wanted to be by herself, you even admit it might have nothing to do with you wanting some me time. But at the end, you just decided that she was being petty and you turned off any communication.
You both sounds like you thrive in creating and seeking drama.
ESH
N really A
You did tell her no twice in one day. The eye thing and the alone time thing. Then you text her. Why? You want her to not come over but still be there. Fix yourself first.
ESH
It’s rude to just say “your behavior is a red flag” because you don’t know if it’s from her feeling of rejection or the fact you said no to using your account money. Not saying either is ok but you are not sure which it is. Before discerning what her issue is or where the attitude stems from, you assumed. And we all know what happens when you assume (you make an ass out of u and me).
Also, she could have been more empathetic and understood your need for down time. Having guests, even parents or especially parents, can be exhausting. You asked for a night to yourself which is reasonable. Also, she knew you needed the cashback for your own eye exam and lenses, so the audacity to even ask to give it to someone else is crazy.
You went out on the day you needed some alone time? (Just trying to figure out if this had anything to do with why she was mad)
This whole relationship sounds too hard. Relationships are not supposed to be this way. Tell her goodbye and keep it moving. She can have all the me-time she wants.
NTA
I think you definitely deserve the me-time after a week with your mum. I deciphered you’re in India from lenskart and the rupee symbol so if you’ve got an Indian mother like have, I’d need a whole week of me-time to recover from a week-long visit.
If your girlfriend doesn’t get it, I think you guys will struggle in the long run.
NTA, you asked for one day to relax and she weaponized your words against you. Then when she was called out on her behavior she deflected and made you into the bad guy for calling it out. You mention you expected your request for one day to yourself to not go smoothly, so this is clearly a pattern of behavior on her part. Sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Why put up with these headaches and walking on eggshells, it won’t get better.