WIBTAH for confronting my family after learning my alcoholic dad is not my real dad?
Recently I learnt through a close friend that my “dad” gets drunk at work and tells his colleagues that I’m not his actual daughter, which is all brand new information to me.
Context:
I am the eldest child and have younger siblings. When I was born, I took my mum’s maiden name because her and my dad weren’t married. My siblings however, took my dad’s name when they were born. And then my parents got married after we were all born. There’s a few years between me and my siblings.
He’s always drank too much and would tell me that he never wanted me, never loved me and that I ruined his life. But he’d only ever say it to me, never my younger siblings.
They’d go on family trips and outings without me, and just naturally leave me out.
Because of this, I always felt like the black sheep. Like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t understand why it was only me he hated, and not my siblings.
He never acted like a dad towards me, he was generally cold, never once telling me he loved me or wishing me happy birthday or anything like that.
Due to this, we clashed a lot and I ended up moving out young to stay with maternal grandparents.
Recently I met up with a close friend. My friend was recently out drinking at a pub with a group of people and they saw my dad walk in. One person, in my friends group, who works with my dad, started saying how much he hates him. When my friend asked why, he said my dad gets drunk at work (this is true, I’ve smelt alcohol on him at work years ago), and then tells his colleagues that I am a mess and he hates me and that it’s not his problem because he’s not my bio dad.
As they’re telling me this story, I’m shocked because I knew he wasn’t nice to me, but I didn’t know firstly that he was slating me behind my back. And secondly that he wasn’t even my bio dad.
When telling me all this, my friend was surprised, because she’d always assumed it was common knowledge that my dad isn’t my bio dad because of how differently he treat me compared to my siblings. She didn’t realise she was breaking news to me.
We got to talking about it and my birth certificate and change of name came up, I’ve never seen my birth certificate purely because I’ve never needed to. So I asked my grandparent to send me a photo of it, because I wanted to see if my dad was even listed on it. He isn’t. And when I got the change of name later, my mum signed it as the “sole parental guardian”.
So now I’m wondering…
WIBTAH for confronting my family about lying to me all this time, for sticking me with someone who hated me and traumatized me as a child, and leaving me to wonder who my real father is?
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WIBTAH for confronting my family after learning my alcoholic dad is not my real dad?
Recently I learnt through a close friend that my “dad” gets drunk at work and tells his colleagues that I’m not his actual daughter, which is all brand new information to me.
Context:
I am the eldest child and have younger siblings. When I was born, I took my mum’s maiden name because her and my dad weren’t married. My siblings however, took my dad’s name when they were born. And then my parents got married after we were all born. There’s a few years between me and my siblings.
He’s always drank too much and would tell me that he never wanted me, never loved me and that I ruined his life. But he’d only ever say it to me, never my younger siblings.
They’d go on family trips and outings without me, and just naturally leave me out.
Because of this, I always felt like the black sheep. Like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t understand why it was only me he hated, and not my siblings.
He never acted like a dad towards me, he was generally cold, never once telling me he loved me or wishing me happy birthday or anything like that.
Due to this, we clashed a lot and I ended up moving out young to stay with maternal grandparents.
Recently I met up with a close friend. My friend was recently out drinking at a pub with a group of people and they saw my dad walk in. One person, in my friends group, who works with my dad, started saying how much he hates him. When my friend asked why, he said my dad gets drunk at work (this is true, I’ve smelt alcohol on him at work years ago), and then tells his colleagues that I am a mess and he hates me and that it’s not his problem because he’s not my bio dad.
As they’re telling me this story, I’m shocked because I knew he wasn’t nice to me, but I didn’t know firstly that he was slating me behind my back. And secondly that he wasn’t even my bio dad.
When telling me all this, my friend was surprised, because she’d always assumed it was common knowledge that my dad isn’t my bio dad because of how differently he treat me compared to my siblings. She didn’t realise she was breaking news to me.
We got to talking about it and my birth certificate and change of name came up, I’ve never seen my birth certificate purely because I’ve never needed to. So I asked my grandparent to send me a photo of it, because I wanted to see if my dad was even listed on it. He isn’t. And when I got the change of name later, my mum signed it as the “sole parental guardian”.
So now I’m wondering…
WIBTAH for confronting my family about lying to me all this time, for sticking me with someone who hated me and traumatized me as a child, and leaving me to wonder who my real father is?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to know if I’d be the asshole because my family haven’t told me the truth, I only found out through my friend, by accident. And by confronting my family, I might potentially split them up and cause friction between them. And this might further outcast me even more.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA Prepare to have yourself a calm and rational discussion with your mother. She may ne more willing to talk if you don’t come on ready to attack. This is really messed up that they did this to you though.
NTA. Shouldn’t even have to ask. You deserve to know, and they deserve to know how much it impacted you.
(Update us when you do!)
🙁 Im sorry you went througg such a rough start. I totally get the feeling of being blindsided by something that apparently everyone else knew and just assumed I did too. Its rough. You didnt deserve that treatment from your family and Im so sorry you endured that.
You will be NTA no matter what you decide to do. But please keep in mind that the convo may be more disappointing than you imagine. It can go great, but it can also go horribly. So steel yourself for whatever comes. Maybe bring a friend.
NTA
But be careful how you approach it, unless you don’t mind blowing everything up
NTA, you deserve to know(if possible) who your bio parents are, it’s important to know your roots, as well as possible diseases that you may be prone to. Try to be calm when asking your mother, but remember that you are the victim here, they lied to you your entire life, for no good reason. As well as they depraved you of your family.
100% nta. Your dad abused you with emotional violence and your mom let him. He wasn’t just not nice, he hates you and his actions show it. You don’t owe him or your mom anything: go find out the truth!
OP, you did not and do not deserve this. It’s not your fault, you deserve so much better. I wanna give you a hug because the adults in your life let you down. Whatever happens, you are so strong for already having lived through this, you can handle whatever happens.
Of course NTA and please do it for your mental health. Besides, you have every single right to know your origins. If I was in your shoes, I’d ask only my mother and tell her how you find out. And go NC with that good for nothing abuser
NTA
Talk to your mother alone before anyone else, but figure out want from the conversation first.
Don’t open with blame, however appropriate. Tell her how it made you feel and focus on what you need to heal now, not what will make you feel vindicated.
Come with prepared questions and what you need her to do now. Be prepared to walk away if you don’t get it.
NTA and get a dna test through one of those services like ancestry.com. You might be able to find some bio relatives there.
Is your mother still in the picture? She’s the first person to talk to, perhaps followed by your grandparents. You really need to get the full story rather than rely on speculation.
What a lot to unravel.
Now you know that your dad’s spiteful treatment of you was never actually about you.
The biggest asshole here is your mother who allowed him to mistreat you and exclude you. She owed you protection and the truth.
I hope it’s a consolation that this asshole is not biologically related to you. NTA
NTA … The only way to know is to speak up and ask for details regarding your birth! You are entitled to know your family history.
Your so called dad is an Ah but your mom, she obviously never protected you. I would cut them both 100% out.
Sounds like he can’t tell you what to do since he isn’t your legal guardian…