I do not have kids, and I also have not really had a lot of experience dealing with kids before my niece. I don’t have younger siblings or cousins, I never babysat, etc. I’m explaining this because this is my blind spot and why I’m posting.
About a month ago, my niece “Gabby” and I were at the park together. I like to spend time with her and usually take her out to do things just the two of us every couple of weeks. While we were at the park, I was talking about an event I am going to attend with my boyfriend of a few years. She asked to see my dress, so I showed her a pic of me in it.
She made a “yucky” face and said “That’s soooooooo ugly. You look really fat. Isn’t [[my boyfriend]] gonna think it’s bad?”
I was so hurt. She’s only 13! I’m not even a big girl in any sense. I have fat on my body, but I am definitely not fat.
My sister was surprised and said she would talk to her. A few days later she had Gabby come over to apologize. From my POV, it was not sincere. She was rolling her eyes and looked angry and just got out the words. I told her thank you for apologizing and then told them to leave. I have not gone out my way to spend time with her since.
I had told Gabby that I would take her shopping for the summer and we’d pick out fun stuff together. I look forward to doing things like this with her. Not really anymore. When we were at my mom’s house for mother’s day, Gabby asked me when we would go.
After her stunt I’ve changed my mind. I said that she probably has plenty of summer clothes to wear. She was upset and said “But I said I was sorry!” over and over.
I told her that I know she said she was sorry but just because someone says they’re sorry to you doesn’t mean that your actions are forgiven. That you have to prove to the other person you won’t do it again, and she hasn’t.
My mom and sister say I’m expecting adult behavior from a child and that it was ridiculous to cancel the shopping date. I am apparently beefing with a child at my big age. They said that she apologized and hasn’t said anything else rude to me since. They asked how long I’m going to hold it against her.
I really don’t know how to take this. I trust their judgment most of the time. But this was just an outright mean thing from her. I am worried that as she grows up this behavior will continue and she will turn out to be a bully. AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
I’m 26F and do not have kids, and I also have not really had a lot of experience dealing with kids before my niece. I don’t have younger siblings or cousins, I never babysat, etc. I’m explaining this because this is my blind spot and why I’m posting.
About a month ago, my niece “Gabby” and I were at the park together. I like to spend time with her and usually take her out to do things just the two of us every couple of weeks. While we were at the park, I was talking about an event I am going to attend with my boyfriend of a few years. She asked to see my dress, so I showed her a pic of me in it.
She made a “yucky” face and said “That’s soooooooo ugly. You look really fat. Isn’t [[my boyfriend]] gonna think it’s bad?”
I was so hurt. She’s only 13! I’m not even a big girl in any sense. I have fat on my body, but I am definitely not fat.
My sister was surprised and said she would talk to her. A few days later she had Gabby come over to apologize. From my POV, it was not sincere. She was rolling her eyes and looked angry and just got out the words. I told her thank you for apologizing and then told them to leave. I have not gone out my way to spend time with her since.
I had told Gabby that I would take her shopping for the summer and we’d pick out fun stuff together. I look forward to doing things like this with her. Not really anymore. When we were at my mom’s house for mother’s day, Gabby asked me when we would go.
After her stunt I’ve changed my mind. I said that she probably has plenty of summer clothes to wear. She was upset and said “But I said I was sorry!” over and over.
I told her that I know she said she was sorry but just because someone says they’re sorry to you doesn’t mean that your actions are forgiven. That you have to prove to the other person you won’t do it again, and she hasn’t.
My mom and sister say I’m expecting adult behavior from a child and that it was ridiculous to cancel the shopping date. I am apparently beefing with a child at my big age. They said that she apologized and hasn’t said anything else rude to me since. They asked how long I’m going to hold it against her.
I really don’t know how to take this. I trust their judgment most of the time. But this was just an outright mean thing from her. I am worried that as she grows up this behavior will continue and she will turn out to be a bully. AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my niece I would take her shopping for summer clothes, but after she was rude to me, I canceled it. This makes me the asshole for breaking plans with a kid.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Just because you promised to take her shopping doesn’t mean you still have to do so after her behavior, even if she apologized…
NTA, I think 13 is old enough to understand right from wrong and this will be a good life lesson for your niece, she can learn that her words and actions have consequences.
She doesn’t regret what she said, she just regrets that it ruined her shopping spree.
NTA. She should have to face consequences. Missing out in this shopping trip will hopefully help her to think before she hurts someone in the future. I’d start to spend time with her slowly in home settings first to see how she treats you before you go spending money on her or doing nicer things for her.
NAH…. I want to say your niece is, but she’s a kid, and it sounds like this was a first for her, kids can be rude, especially when growing and trying to discover who they are, and their thoughts and opinions are swayed almost every minute by millions of conflicting messages. Your sister and Mom are also correct in that you’re expecting a wholly adult response from a 13 year old child. If she was 16-18 I might agree with you that you should expect that… but as she’s just barely a teenager, you should expect a modicum of respect but also understand that a lot of what they say is driven by confusion, hormones, influences from all sides, and a strong desire to be “grown up” and know everything.
And on your side, you’re also absolutely correct that she hasn’t been forgiven, even IF she apologized, and this is your chance to teach her that actions have consequences.
So NAH
INFO: the timeline would help a bit with this. When did the girl insult you, when did she ask about the shopping trip, and when was the shopping trip supposed to happen?
ESH. your niece was doing beginner level mean girl behavior so you’re not wrong for objecting. But having her mother tell her that she has to perform an action to obtain the thing she wants is not the same as explaining that what she did was hurtful and made you not want to be around her. The correct person to explain that is you. And how can you do that if you won’t see her? You can’t get a sincere apology of you are unwilling to discuss it with her. Give the kid a chance to learn.
YTA. I also do not have kids or siblings but I know 13 year olds just say shit. It’s not always nice but typically not meant maliciously. It seems like you’re overreacting to hurt feelings. Just talk to her and say you didn’t feel like the apology was sincere but if you want to continue a relationship with her, chalk it up to teenage sass and move on.
NTA. 13 is old enough to know FAFO and that consequences have actions. You should tell your sister that she should use this as an opportunity to have a conversation with her daughter that no one likes a mean girl and it’s not an apology if the body language and nonverbal cues aren’t in alignment. Then you should look your sister, mother, and niece in the eyes and say sorry while rolling your eyes and looking preoccupied. But that’s the pettiness in me lol
NTA. Teachable moment – actions have consequences and people have feelings. She hurt you, the words “I’m sorry” are not a magic formula that make the hurt disappear. (Remember the exercise with the broken plate?)
Relationships are a two-way street. It’s about time she learned that.
I wouldn’t go out of your way to be cold to her, but neither would I initiate any fun aunt-niece activities, at least until you judge that she gets it and actually is sorry instead of just apologizing to satisfy parents/escape punishment.
I think you have every right to be upset still and yeah, she’s a little brat. It’s different if it’s a five year old. Five year old kids don’t know better and don’t understand it properly. But she’s 13! Besides, actions have consequences and you are totally fine to set boundaries that she can’t be rude to you and still expect to have fun
NTA. Teenagers, especially younger ones, are the scariest people you will ever meet. And it’s likely she’s probably going through the usual teenage struggles that make her lash out. Even though that’s likely the situation, still isn’t an excuse. It’s very important for all people to learn that you can’t treat someone bad and expect them to reward you. Shitty lesson to endure, but necessary. Maybe try to sit and have a more detailed talk about why what she did was hurtful if y’all are close. But NTA. Your sister and mom are enabling bad behavior. For her sake, I hope this is a one time thing
NTA. i am an auntie and i’d be so hurt if my niece said something like this to me and mine is only 9. 13
is plenty old enough to know you don’t ever say anything like that to anyone ever. sounds more like she’s using you for fun and clothes or getting it from her mother (aka talking shit about you in front of or to her daughter behind your back) and it’s a learned behavior. sit down and talk with her, explain why you were hurt and maybe you can work through it. good luck!
“My mom and sister say I’m expecting adult behavior from a child and that it was ridiculous to cancel the shopping date.”
Your mother can take her shopping. 13 is old enough to know better than to talk like that. You don’t owe her a shopping trip. She needs to learn a lesson from this. The lesson is that actions have consequences.
NTA. Her apology was not sincere. Her reaction to you not taking her shopping sounds entitled and selfish. She doesn’t seem to care as much about your feelings as she does about shopping. Maybe she should find a way to prove to you that she understands her behavior was unacceptable and hurtful. If she were truly remorseful I’d expect a follow up like a letter or some kind of gesture from her. She should learn that burning bridges is a thing and practicing bring a good human with family is important. Btw, I have a 13 year old daughter and if I were your sister I would be mortified and my daughter would have written you a letter with meaning behind it.
It’s easier to scatter 100 beads on the ground and then pick up every single one then it is to take back a cruel word once it is spoken. 13 is more than old enough to understand that if you treat people badly they are not going to want to spend time with you.
NTA
Gabby’s 13. I think your mom and sister are right; you’re expecting adult behavior from a child.
NTA, but only because your time, and spending it by taking Gabby out shopping, is your prerogative. You should rethink things. By doing what you’re doing now, you could very well damage the relationship with your niece going forward.
NTA. You don’t owe her anything, she fucked around and found out.
NTA, you should level with her, not make excuses. Put that brat in her place.
YTA for holding a grudge about this. I agree with your mom and sister. Your niece is a child and she is learning. Your sister addressed it appropriately, and you are expecting a level of maturity that is not appropriate to her age.
You are free to not go shopping with her, of course, but what you are showing her is what it looks like to be unforgiving and frankly, a bit unloving. (Do you only love people when they make you feel good?) At 13, she’s probably getting plenty of negative reinforcement among her peers. Try showing some compassion instead.
NTA. This is a good learning opportunity for Gabby. Apologies do not magically make things alright again. Words are more than air and can linger and hurt long after they were said.
Yes, she apologized. It does not matter how sincere the apology was (or was not): Her words made you feel a certain way (quite justifiably) and you are not comfortable spending time with her right now. And that may or may not change with time. Consequences.
Everything has consequences. Better she learn it now within the family, than make a much bigger gaffe with much harsher consequences later.
I would argue that you are not expecting adult behavior from a child–rather you are turning her actions into a teachable moment.
Also, 13 yr old girls can be total shits. Hopefully one day she will remember back to this and be mortified.
NTA. Tell her the truth. Her apology was not sincere. Was she sorry for getting called out by mom or for her bad behavior. 13 is not to young to learn actions and words have consequences. Now is the time to quash her mean girl attitude. Being a kid is no excuse. Stick to your guns.
>My mom and sister say I’m expecting adult behavior from a child
No, you were expecting for her not to insult you, regardless if she’s a child. She knows not to say stuff if she expect the one she insulted to do things for her.
I know teenage girls can be horrible, but damn.
NTA.
NTA
It’s a teachable moment for her, and having boundaries does not mean you have “beef.”
You can forgive without rewarding her behavior, what I’m saying is that you can tell her that you forgive her but that she must learn that these things have consequences and in this case it is that you do not feel comfortable taking her shopping after that, if you take her you will reward negative behavior and it is not fighting with a child, it is educating him so that it does not become a habit.
NTA, it’s called consequences and not enough kids these days get them. At 13 she should be well aware that she was rude.
NTA. A forced apology is a fake or non-apology. At 13, she 100% knows that saying someone’s outfit is ugly and makes them look fat is an insult, not a harmless observation. This may be her first experience with FAFO, but it was definitely time to learn. As a good aunt, you are teaching her that valuable lesson. Let your mom and her mom take the ride thing out shopping. You deserve a break and niece deserves to learn that actions/words have consequences.
ETA: I had aunts who were very generous and would take me shopping. Not only would I have never dreamed of saying something so rude to them, but if I had, both my parents would’ve come down hard on me. Not made excuses like your sister.
NTA at 13 she is old enough that she should know better than to behave this way. She is simply reaping her consequences.
NTA. Raising my 13 year old nephew and have been since he was 5. Also have a LOT of younger cousins that have looked up to me and I have spent time with over the years.
You’re not obligated to take her shopping. But what you should’ve told her is that you didn’t feel her apology was sincere, she rolled her eyes, etc. and while you’re accepting the apology, she’s no longer entitled to go shopping with you. You don’t want to take her anymore and that’s that. Tough titties. Actions have consequences regardless of if the person apologizes sincerely or not.
Don’t give in. What you’d be teaching her if you did is that she can manipulate others into getting what she wants if she just says sorry. Her mother and grandmother can take her shopping.
NTA. Sorry, but 13 year olds are NOT babies in this age. They know exactly what they are doing and saying. My niece at 13 was a vicious person, she knew just what to say to hurt someone and enjoyed it. You don’t owe her a trip out or have to spend time with her. And your sister and mother are a-holes for trying to guilt you instead of showing your niece actions have consequences.
NAH. Kids need to learn consequences. My daughter lost out on a shopping trip by being rude repeatedly and…it hurts but it’s a good lesson. Yoy are teaching her to be a good human being down the road.
NTA I knew how not to be an asshole by the time I was 6. I wonder where she learned to be that mean.
She’s not going to learn from her parents. Thankfully she’ll get a lesson in accountability and what can happen when she treats people badly. If it were me, I’d have that conversation with her. “What you said was very hurtful to me. And even though you apologized I’m still feeling hurt by it.”
I wish you had handled it differently. A swift “That was very rude and you have hurt my feelings” would have been a better way to handle it. You need to have a heart to heart with her and explain how she made you feel. Hopefully she will realize the error of her ways.
NTA, but maybe sit down with her and tell her what she said really hurt your feelings. Ask her if she’s really sorry or if she just said sorry because her mum made her. See if you can find it in you to make up, she’s only a kid and she made a mistake but you’re within your rights not to want to treat her after that. Maybe get her to watch Mean Girls too.
The example that I used with a client of mine when he started having rude behavior, I grabbed a sheet of paper and crumpled it up really tight. I told him that I’m thinking mean thoughts while doing it, and it makes me feel better when I do this. After, I unraveled it and explained to him how sorry I was for letting my meanness come outside, effecting him, making him feel how angry I was in my head and that my apology was now this piece of paper. I asked him “Are you scared of me?”, he said no. “I won’t ever do this again, do you believe me?” he said no. I told him that an apology might excuse you once or twice, that maybe it won’t effect the relationship in the long term, but the wrinkles are still there and you can still tell that the paper was effected by me. That’s what happens when you’re unkind or untrustworthy, you wrinkle the paper more and more and they can’t just be undone because you apologize.
Nta. 13 is definitely old enough to understand that words have consequences and that they can do serious harm. If she genuinely doesn’t understand that then her mother has failed her. You have every right to decline spending more time with someone who has hurt your feelings. Apologizing does not absolve them of the consequences of their actions.
Updateme
NTA 13y olds are old enough to understand that words can hurt. She apologised yeah but that didn’t make your hurt disappear. If you need time away from the auntie/niece days then take the time. She’ll have to learn the hard way that actions have consequences. As for your mum and sister, if it bothers them that much, they can take her shopping for summer clothes.
NTA – She was not sincere in her apology which is the bottom line. What others are seeming to miss here is that there is a serious lack of empathy. Empathy is taught early, not when a person is an adult. That being said, there does need to be a real consequence to her behavior. And the shopping trip can absolutely be that consequence. Then you can have a talk with your niece and let her know how her words truly made you feel. And if you or others made comments like that to her, how would she feel? This is an excellent learning opportunity for her.
NTA, but there’s a chance for growth here for both of you. Your neice is a child, they make mistakes just like adults. At this age, she apparently doesn’t have a filter yet. I would sit down with her to explain how she made you feel when she said that. Not everyone is born with empathy, some need to be taught it. Ask her how she would feel if one of her friends said the same thing to her. I’m sure she didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. It sounds like you had a pretty good relationship before this, don’t throw that away because she made a childish error. Don’t just tell her it was mean. Explain why it was mean. It’s more likely that you’ll get through to her this way. If you can see she actually understands why it hurt you, give each other hugs and forgive her. Then take her shopping. Kids need relationships with trusted adults outside of their parents. They’re more inclined to confide in them then parents. If you can display forgiveness and show her that mistakes aren’t the end of the world, you’re going to be her safe space. Obviously, she has to deal with consequences, but maybe this instance can be used for growth.
NTA. My niece is 7 and when she does something bad or says something she knows punishments are foreal. She knows we won’t go do an activity.
She’s 13 she should know better
Nta
Actions have consequences
I would say light YTA – I think you’re justified in holding back the shopping trip but I don’t think your response to her was helpful. You are saying she’s not forgiven because she hasn’t done anything to prove she won’t do it again. How exactly does she prove that? It would have been more helpful to just say to her that you didn’t feel her apology was sincere and how her original comment was actually very hurtful even if she was just joking about it. Just tell her that saying “I’m sorry” isn’t an apology if she’s rolling her eyes and making angry faces the whole time.
You have the opportunity to the be the adult here. 13 year old girls are the absolute worst humans alive, you should not expect much…don’t teach her that apologies are meaningless.
There’s a difference between “expecting adult behavior from a child” and “teaching a child that actions have consequences.” When, exactly, was she supposed to learn that she shouldn’t say things like that? How is that child to grow into an adult, when everyone around her is content to treat her like a child who is forever immune to consequences? This isn’t even a punishment, it’s a withholding of a gift that is yours to give as you choose.
It sounds like your family are framing you as an unreasonable jerk, which is the only obstacle to your niece learning that lesson.
Nta. She needs to learn to be nicer. She sounds like a mean girl. 13 isn’t 3, she knows she insulted you. She knows what she did.
Did your sister not give her daughter any consequences besides making her apologize? Because that doesn’t mean anything to the kind of kid who would make comments like that. If you’re the only person giving her a consequence then you’re the only person actually parenting this kid. NTA
The broken plate analogy applies here. She broke the plate. She apologized (real or not), the plate can be mended, but it’s still broken. 13 is now than old enough to understand that words have power. She’s going to interact worth other teen girls, she needs to understand that sometimes “sorry” doesn’t fix things.
Actions have consequences. NTA.
We were all 13 once. I absolutely knew the difference between polite and rude comments at 13. I also absolutely did not roll my eyes and look annoyed when apologizing—I would have sincerely felt bad for hurting my aunt’s feelings!
NTA
Girls are out there having sex at age 13 or so. There is stuff on TV that she has seen. She knows what she did was wrong when she said it. Don’t tell me she didn’t mean her remarks. And don’t tell me her apology was sincere.
She HURT you. It can take a lot of time to process that and get over it. Forgiveness does not always come instantly. Even if you forgive, that will not instantly repair your relationship.
You are teaching a valuable lesson. Tell your Mom and sister that they can take her shopping. Zelle them $20 “for a stop at DQ later”. Then hang up the phone.
NTA
NTA.
Expecting adult behaviour from a teen is how that teen learns to behave appropriately.
NTA. Ur sister is raising a bully .. I’d tell her good luck with that and nope out of any interaction with them
NTA.
Having adult behavior expected of you is what makes you grow up. Politeness and kindness should be taught at a much earlier age than 13. Thanks for being a good person, sticking to your guns, and not caving, because that’s exactly how bratty adults are made.
We need more adults that behave like adults.
ESH
I am the mom of a toddler – did you know that, developmentally, toddlers’ and teenagers’ brains are actually in very similar places. They struggle with impulse control, have big feelings, need to exert control over their environments, and each age group is struggling to grow into the next stage of life, but not yet equipped with all the tools.
Your niece did a rude, mean thing. But that doesn’t make her a rude/mean kid, and her actions shouldn’t be held against her in perpetuity – she IS a child, and she IS making mistakes, and she DOES need to be corrected in order to learn.
I don’t actually disagree with your decision not to take your niece shopping – that was a ‘gift’ and it’s totally your prerogative if you want to do it or not. But, you made the decision from a place of anger and punishment, when you’re the adult in the situation. You are holding it against her, and you are expecting her to act like an adult when her brain just isn’t developed enough yet.
Gabby is old enough to have a conversation with, to explain your perspective, and to be honest with her and tell her that shopping didn’t sound like a fun activity anymore after she attacked your appearance. There are consequences for actions, but by completely pulling away and not doing the work to repair with her, you’re doing more harm than good.
NTA. 13 is the perfect age for her to understand that words can hurt and an apology doesn’t take that hurt back; that she needs to think before speaking.
NTA
She was rude and demeaning about your appearance, and clearly didn’t appreciate or be sincere in her forced “apology”
At 13, she’s plenty old enough to understand why the mean girls crap isn’t acceptable. This is the consequences of her own toxic immature behavior
NTA. She certainly is old enough to understand that behavior like that has consequences. These are things she is supposed to learn at her age so she doesn’t turn into a TA as an adult. You may want to remind your family of that. What she said was extremely hurtful. But it’s up to her to demonstrate that she has learned from her mistakes, rather than giving lip service
From a mom of girls perspective, I’m neutral in this one. Yes, she was rude, but at the same time, she just said what she thought. Maybe she felt comfortable enough to say that. I hate to see a bond between you two ruined because of one incidents. She’s 13, and going to need someone to talk to and/or confide in that’s not mom sometimes. You don’t want her turning to the wrong people. Forgive and move on.
Why are our expectations of children so low these days? Jesus Christ, NTA
NTA.
I think you need to tell her how she hurt your feelings and what she said was rude and hurtful. Tell her when you hang out with friends no one says that to each other and if your friends did that you would not be friends with them again. Because who wants to hang out with people who make you feel bad about yourself. I would not take her shopping right now either.
13yo is plenty old enough to know how rude and hurtful that was. Would Mom be okay with another 13yo calling Gabby that because they are also “just a child”?
NTA. Trust your own judgement, not the ones gaslighting you.
ESH.
Your niece sucks because she’s old enough to know that words hurt and she was deliberately cruel to you.
Your sister sucks for not pulling her kid for being insincere and for expecting you to accept a disingenuous apology.
Your mum sucks for expecting you to reward mean girl behaviour.
You suck for not stopping your niece when she was rolling her eyes and explaining then that you don’t believe she is genuinely sorry and therefore you don’t accept her apology and that there will now be consequences – for the initial rude behaviour and for the fake apology and that the consequences of her actions are that she doesn’t get her shopping trip.
She was being honest of what she thought of the dress and you want to put a 3 month punishment on her.
NTA, but instead of going the “forgiven” route, you should have just said the cancelation was the consequence of her actions, not negated by the apology.
Maybe you’ll have another shopping trip in the future, but not this one.
NTA. They were clearly forcing Gabby to apologize, and from your description she didn’t take it too seriously: she was rolling her eyes and looked angry.
It wasn’t “Aunt ExBF, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think about how my words would hurt your feelings.” It wasn’t an offer to make it up to you in some way.
I would explain it to her (and apparently your mom and sister) like this: actions have consequences. It’s great that Gabby apologized for her hurtful words – that’s what she should do. You forgive her.
But her apology and you forgiving, doesn’t mean you forget what she said. Before, you enjoyed being with her and were looking forward to having fun taking her shopping. You assumed she also enjoyed being with you and was looking forward to having fun going shopping.
Now, since she said such mean things to you, you feel maybe she is just going with you for your money. Actions, meet consequences.
She can mend your relationship by doing fun stuff with you that doesn’t cost as much money as shopping. If she doesn’t want to do that, or if there are repeats of her hurtful words, just “Peace Out!” and spend time with people who do enjoy you.
You are not expecting a 13 yr old to behave like an adult, BTW. 13 is more than old enough to be hurt by words like that, and to understand that they are hurtful (which is why 13 year old mean girls use them).
NTA – Thirteen is more than old enough to know not to just be plain rude to someone. Maybe this will be her wake up call that apologizing but not truly meaning it doesn’t get you forgiven immediately. You do not need to reward poor behavior, but I would sit down with your niece as she is very young and explain why you made this decision, explain you didn’t feel she was actually sorry, and explain that she hurt your feelings. Maybe it’ll get through to her and she wont do it again and might actually be really sorry. While she is old enough to know not to be plain rude to someone, she might not understand how much it truly hurt your feelings.
Grandmamma advice.
The way that children learn proper treatment of others is to be allowed to truly feel the consequences when they fail to do so.
Tell your mother and sister that your niece is old enough to learn that others sometimes need time to recover when they are treated badly.
Your next outing needs to be to go out for a meal, coffee, or a walk to discuss the fact that she is no longer a little kid, and that she will have a responsibility going forward to treat you in the way that she would like to be treated, just like in any other close relationship. It takes two people to have a friendship or familial relationship, and it is time for her to begin to learn how to walk in the world.
Later you can make a date for a shopping trip.
NTA. Good you show her it is not ok to talk like that. It’s so sad that a 13 year old sees a perfectly normal body and declares it is fat. Parents need to talk to her about how the images we see in the media are manipulated and how unreal social media is.
NTA. “You’re expecting adult behaviors from a young person…” yeah no shit that’s how they learn and develop them. Maybe give her another chance to sincerely apologize since she is 13, but tell your mom and sister that her age doesn’t mean she gets to be a brat without consequence
NTA. You’re not expecting adult behaviour from a child. You’re giving a child an age appropriate lesson that actions have consequences and that using the word sorry isn’t a get out of jail free card.
13 is a good age to learn that saying things you don’t mean won’t get you what you want.
NTA. My 8 year understands situations like this so a 13 should as well.
Gentle YTA. What she said was rude and hurtful. Kids say things without filter and forethought. I doubt she meant to be so hurtful, even though she was. I think you have a right to be upset and express that. However, how can she show you she feels true remorse or has learned how to filter her words if you shun her? As the adult, you need to find it in you to model forgiveness and show her how sometimes you have to give a person a little grace, especially when you know they are not normally a mean or malicious person.
Perhaps a good way to help move forward would be to have your niece over for dinner and a movie. Let her know in advance that you love her and want to have an honest, heart to heart with her about why your feelings were so hurt and how you two need to move forward to regain trust. Also stop to consider what in you is making you have such a strong reaction to her words. Don’t make this the full focus of the evening, no one likes to be brow-beaten over something they probably already feel bad about. Just because her outward expressions seemed insincere, doesn’t mean that’s how she really felt. She likely felt bad, on the spot, awkward, nervous… any number of feelings which could cause a teen to act one way on the outside while feeling the other way inside. Her’s how I’d present the evening-
“Hey, let’s have a girls night at my place. We can have dinner, a little honest talk about what happened, and then wind down with a funny rom-com (or whatever movie your two choose). I want this to be a fun evening but also think sharing my feelings and perspective can help us move forward. Would that be okay with you?”
You should also stop and consider what your niece is hearing said to herself, her friends, and other people that would have put this criticism on her head. Is someone talking to her like this? I hope her mom is asking these questions, but sometimes it’s really hard for kids to be honest with parents and they really need a fun aunt to confide in.
share this with her mom
https://hms.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/Departments/Ombuds%20Office/files/M.Wagner.ColumbiaUniversity.Elements%20of%20an%20Effective%20Apology.pdf
“ I am not under the impression that she was truly sorry for what she said just that she knows she has to say something to get what she wants. Perhaps she could go over her with a an effective apology is. Also go over with her that she can think a dress is ugly., but she doesn’t have to say that and she doesn’t have to call people fat. Perhaps she could say I don’t think that dress flatter you. Also, she needs to learn that if you are mean to people, they won’t wanna hang out with you. And that if someone promises to do something, they may change their mind if you call them names.”
NTA for now.
I agree that not taking her shopping. Losing a privilege is appropriate for a kid being an AH.
You’ve taken the punishment farther than just shopping, though. Have you talked to her one on one? Spent time with her?
You’ve given a 13 year old kid a goal of “proving she means” her apology, but what does that mean? How is she to do that if you won’t see her?
The shopping doesn’t matter at all. Your relationship with your niece does.
INFO: Did you look good in the dress?
NTA. Someone’s mean to you, of course you don’t feel like doing special things with/for them.
Her attempt at repair was not really an attempt. Repair was not made. Until it is, the relationship is damaged.
You didn’t cause the damage, and you’re not responsible for it.
Thirteen is old enough to take responsibility. This is not on you to fix. Hopefully you’ll be open to repair if there ever is a sincere attempt.
NTA.
Actions have consequences. She should learn that.
Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to feel upset.
Your mum and sister can take her shopping themself.
NTA
Her apology was completely insincere and it sounds like she only did it because she was forced to. 13 is old enough to know you shouldn’t speak like that to people, and then expect them to do you favors. That’s incredibly entitled. Your sister and mom are babying her. She needs to learn that actions have consequences and that saying sorry doesn’t magically make everything better, especially when you act like a brat while doing it.
YTA. She’s 13 and expressed her opinion. Not adult appropriate, but again she’s 13! Are you so insecure that a child says dress is ugly, that you can’t wear it? Get over it, if you like dress, wear it!
She’s thirteen, which is clearly old enough to realize that telling someone they look fat isn’t nice or acceptable. In fact Gen Z is routinely better about this than the rest of us. You forgave her for her apology, insincere or not, but that doesn’t mean you have to forget it and move on instantly. That isn’t how life works and better that Gabby learn that now.
Be a jackass, pay a jackass tax. Thank you for teaching consequences and strengthening society with your response.
Nta, you are teaching her adult behaviour with your respons. You calmly explained she hurt you and that has consequenses. Well done id say.
I (as a mom) would be proud if someone would teach my child this respecfully (AND then think; now uou hear it frome someone else you big mouthed little teenager xD)
Fuck no, NTA. I have a 14 and a 16 year old, they can be nasty but what your niece said was meant to hurt. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
If more people were like you and gave consequences, our kids today wouldn’t be such shitheads half the time. As a teacher, I thank you for teaching this lesson and wish more people had your shiny spine.
I don’t know. On the one hand, kids can be brutally honest without realizing how hurtful they sound. On the other, 13 year old girls can be total jerks. Her “honesty” crossed the line into jerk territory. It doesn’t seem like her apology was sincere and I don’t think it’s wrong to hold out for a genuine apology.
NTA. Even if the kid genuinely apologized, you are not obligated to spend time with her. You spend time with her if you enjoy it, and it doesn’t sound like you would enjoy it anymore, at least not for a while. So don’t.
Are you expecting “adult behavior”? Yes. Is she an adult? No. But it’s not a switch, it’s a gradual transition. Shoot, am in my thirties and there is plenty of things I don’t feel “adult” about. But it has to start somewhere and this seems like a great situation to start. Tell your sister and mom that you love your niece and will do things with/for her in the future but that’s you know she didn’t mean it her apology, and that you are using this as a teachable moment.
She’s 13
She’s not the innocent little girl she used to be. She knew exactly what she was saying. Actions have consequences and it sounds like “Gabby” doesn’t have to deal with consequences all that often. She needs to learn now otherwise she will become a spoilt and entitled brat.
I wouldn’t have been hurt by anything said by a thirteen year old. But I would have used it as an opportunity to explain how what she said could be hurtful.
You are the adult. You missed a learning opportunity with your niece. Given how much time you spend together I’m surprised you didn’t handle it better.
I don’t understand how people think rewarding bad behavior is acceptable. Her neice no matter her age was rude in behavior and when she got told to apologize she did it in a child like manner…..yes she is a child so as a child her aunt is not rewarding the nieces rude behavior when he actions haven’t deserved a reward. I would do the same no mater if she is 3 years old 13 or 23 bad actions and behaviors have consequences. Maybe next time she we have manners.
NTA. She’s a teenager and yes, she’s immature. I have a cousin who is really great with kids. There was a situation where my kid did somethimg like that. In the moment she said aomething like, no thamks. I don’t lime being spoken to like that. The thing about kids is when they get called out, they double and triple down. Later on she sat them down and said, (I am paraphrasing), you really hurt my feelings but I don’t think you meant to to do that because I know you care about me. They nodded. Then she talked to them about why it was hurtful and why it is inappropriate and rude and she won’t continue to do fun things with anyone who hurts her. She asked questions and got answers. She was very calm and kind of had them mirror what she said and wanted them to try to put themselves in her shoes. It was amazing because it made them reflect and be more thoughtful especially in how they speak to people. She was teaching them empathy. Try something like that.
NTA
You teaching her actions have consequences and also you aren’t obligated to spend your money on her, she isn’t your child.
13 years old is well old enough to know your words can hurt people. Canceling the shopping trip is a good idea. Still hang out with her, but let know she ruined it for herself by being rude
NTA
My mom and sister say I’m expecting adult behavior from a child and that it was ridiculous to cancel the shopping date.
Now we know why her manners are so poor. 13 is old enough to understand outright rudeness.
As a mother and a grandmother, I’d let her stew. If niece displays genuine remorse you may decide to take her back-to-school shopping. Or, offer a movie night. Watch Mean Girls.
Nta
ESH. She’s being an asshole but if you are as close as you claim, she probably felt comfortable giving her unvarnished opinion. She didn’t say you were fat. She said the dress made you look fat. Even skinny people can look fat with the wrong clothes.
Things like this cause lifelong rifts. Talk to her instead of giving her the cold shoulder.
YTA she’s still learning and she apologized which means you need to be the bigger person and accept her apology, or she may not learn to apologize to others in the future due to lack of acceptance. Besides you are family.
NTA I thought that the girl was going to be like 4 or so but 13? At that age she perfectly knew what she was saying…
Eh. She’s 13, not 3. Actions have consequences and a forced apology so she can go shopping is not a sincere apology. One will be accepted way more easily than the other.
I would say nta. I definitely knew the difference between the two when I was 13.
I’m a mom of teens, and see those as teachable moments. The fact your mom and sister didn’t even see anything wrong with it speaks volumes, and tells me they likely have gotten bad behavior like your moment with her without consquences. It’s how they learn, and the key is that they need to know the why and what specific action is tied to that incident, so for you it’s the harmful language she used with you and her direct consquence is no shopping.
Even my 5 year old knows we don’t comment on other people’s bodies like that. NTA
NTA. My kid is 12 and they would be embarrassed for your niece. They’d be mortified that anyone would say something like that to someone.
And they have ADHD and a bit of a problem with their brain to mouth filter.
What your niece did is mean girl behavior. Thirteen is plenty old enough to know not to insult someone, (to their face or otherwise).
She is 13!!!!!! She should know this !!! That no excuse!!!
NTA and almost NAH. 13 is old enough to know how to respectfully apologize. At that age it would be more appropriate to tell her an apology is taken more seriously without the eye rolls and attitude. If she can apologize politely at that point she’s learning and since it’s a first offence i would then accept the apology and tell her she and you can discuss a time maybe a week or so later. Talk to her though don’t just shut her out. Ask her if she would accept that statement from her friends or to her friends.