My mom died a few months ago and we recently had a celebration of life for her. For the celebration of life, we set up what was essentially a shrine for her and in the middle was a big printout of a picture of her, my dad (divorced 20 years ago), and my siblings at one of their weddings.
My mom has always hated taking pictures of herself, so we had very few to pic from. We all looked through our phones for pictures of her, but since she HATED her picture being taken, we had no candids of her alone. The others we had were big group pictures. I looked through the pictures from my siblings wedding and found one with us and our parents. We did not take any with just her and not my dad. We also reached out to her friends to see if they had any, but they didn’t.
The plan was we would all find pictures and put them in to decide, but my siblings didn’t come up with any recent ones, so I picked the one with all of us. She looked beautiful in it. Her smile looked so happy and she hated wearing dresses but she found one for the wedding that even she said was PERFECT for her. It’s the best picture I have ever seen of her.
We had the celebration of life and it went well. We ate her favorite foods, drank her favorite drinks, and talked about her. It was a nice way to remember her.
Afterwards, I got texts from a few of her friends saying it was disrespectful of us to use a picture that had my dad in it because they divorced due to his cheating. That by doing so, I tied her to him even after the divorce and her death.
I meant no disrespect to her at all. It was a beautiful picture of her and she had even said so herself when the pictures came out.
So AITA for using a picture of my mom with her ex-husband for a shrine at her celebration of life?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My mom died a few months ago and we recently had a celebration of life for her. For the celebration of life, we set up what was essentially a shrine for her and in the middle was a big printout of a picture of her, my dad (divorced 20 years ago), and my siblings at one of their weddings.
My mom has always hated taking pictures of herself, so we had very few to pic from. We all looked through our phones for pictures of her, but since she HATED her picture being taken, we had no candids of her alone. The others we had were big group pictures. I looked through the pictures from my siblings wedding and found one with us and our parents. We did not take any with just her and not my dad. We also reached out to her friends to see if they had any, but they didn’t.
The plan was we would all find pictures and put them in to decide, but my siblings didn’t come up with any recent ones, so I picked the one with all of us. She looked beautiful in it. Her smile looked so happy and she hated wearing dresses but she found one for the wedding that even she said was PERFECT for her. It’s the best picture I have ever seen of her.
We had the celebration of life and it went well. We ate her favorite foods, drank her favorite drinks, and talked about her. It was a nice way to remember her.
Afterwards, I got texts from a few of her friends saying it was disrespectful of us to use a picture that had my dad in it because they divorced due to his cheating. That by doing so, I tied her to him even after the divorce and her death.
I meant no disrespect to her at all. It was a beautiful picture of her and she had even said so herself when the pictures came out.
So AITA for using a picture of my mom with her ex-husband for a shrine at her celebration of life?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a shrine for my mother at her celebration of life and the picture I used had my dad in it and they were divorced.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Dude, she’s your mom. Her friends can do one. NTA.
NTA, your mom was happy with the picture and you had limited options.
NTA. Funerals are for the living.
NTA, because it wasn’t your fault you couldn’t find photos of her. Still, maybe you could’ve cropped it or looked harder if you knew that it would make people uncomfortable.
NTA… fuck them for being judgmental while you’re grieving your loss…. Whether they like it or not, he was a part of her story in life. Without him there would be no you, so no NTA…
NTA. You are her child. She had some pretty crappy friends if they feel like they need to text you about that instead of just keeping it to themselves. That is an awful way to treat a friend’s grieving child and incredibly unsupportive. As if you don’t have enough to deal with right now. They are disrespectful and rude.
Mild AH maybe
I’m a bit torn on this one.
Since it was a family picture, I don’t think it was necessarily wrong
But given the history of why they broke up, I do think it should not have been used
I would’ve had someone Photoshop the picture to isolate her and just have a single portrait or remove him from the picture so it was her with her family minus the Ex
NTA – you had few photos to work with. You had a photo that resembled family in your eyes. At a time of happiness; togetherness. It was your celebration of life for YOUR mother. You can decorate it however you want.
My dad recently passed away from cancer (he was remarried) and we had photos with the OG family in the memorial – it’s a chapter in life. You don’t rip out pages of the book because other people don’t like the character arc.
NTA but those people reaching out to you sure are. You did everything you could to reach out to her friends for alternative pictures and they didn’t provide any. You did a wonderful job and you have my condolences
Oh FFS! That is just ridiculous
NTA. You did the best you could with what you had.
And the friends were out of line. You’re the family, it’s your call.
NTA – cheating or not, he was in her life. If the best picture you could find had him in it, then so be it.
You could have had it photoshopped without cheating Dad.
eh, NTA. that was still a part of her life. my mom was in the slideshow and came to the funeral when my dads dad died. his sibling put her in lol. they didn’t divorce because of cheating, but still.
NTA your mom is tied to your dad even after the divorce and her death through the children they created together. You remembered her thoughtfully. They were incredibly rude to criticize a grieving child over something that cannot be undone.
NTA. You can tell your mom’s friends that you are grieving the loss of a beloved parent and that it is disrespectful for them to tell you what you should have done after the fact while you are actively grieving. Also, I bet your mom would have been heartbroken if they saw what her friends decided to do to her children during such a difficult time.
NTA. He was part of her life at some point, and she was also happy in the photo. It was the best photo available. I am very sorry for your loss.
NTA
Im so sorry for your loss. You did what you could. Ignore the people who giving judgement when they could have easily asked of you needed a hand. That photo I’m sure was at a happier time in life and it’s a photo of your mother that’s all that you saw your mom don’t let others be asshats to you
YTA
It is just not that hard to create a photo of just your mother from a group pic, particularly with TWO MONTHS of lead time.
NTA, f those friends firstly she’s your mom so why they trying to come for you while you’re mourning and sorry but your mom was connected to your dad through I don’t know her kids.
Of course if there were better options choose this but there wasn’t. So they’re just nitpicking
NTA. But right here on Reddit, there’s a subforum where you can ask Photoshop artists to edit photos, and most of them do it just for a tip. There are plenty of requests for situations like the one you describe in your post, and those people usually do a fantastic job.
NTA, tell her friends they can all fuck off. You used one of the few photos you had, that your mum looked happy in and wearing something she loved.
It was YOUR family in better times, it happened.
You gave them the option to give you photos, but did what you could with what you had !
I’m sorry for your loss and that people felt like they had to make your life harder by shitting on your choices.
As someone who just had to organize a celebration of life for my younger brother who also had limited options, I ended up including one with him and his late ex spouse. It looked the most like the happy version of him I remember. NTA, you are doing your best in a time of grief. Go easy on yourself.
Your mom’s friends didn’t provide you guys with any pictures of her that you could use.
So, you opted for showing a picture where your mom looked radiant and the dress she wore was something she loved – there could be no better way for you to celebrate her life.
The people who criticized you amaze me, they have no words of condolence for a grieving person who has lost their mother but have the time and energy to criticize how you guys organized an event surrounding her death.
NTA
Divorced mom here – you are NTA – you found a photo of your mom looking great. The last thing she would want is you feeling bad about any of this and her so called friends are wrong.
I am so sorry for your loss and your celebration of life sounds wonderful. I can only hope I am remembered with love and joy as you showed your mom – she must have been a wonderful woman.
NTA I’m guessing if things were hostile between your parents then the photos would have been separate.
You found a photo with her on a happy day. That’s all that matters. If the friends have such an issue they should have magically found a more suitable photo that didn’t exist.
Those people can fuck off you did the right thing
YTA have you never heard of photoshop
Yes, you were wrong.
We just had my husband’s celebration of life. His ex even contributed photos of him, of which I sent great thanks. A few pictures were cropped or photoshopped to keep it just him. We did not show her. It was not expected and would have been highly inappropriate and disrespectful.
NTA—BUT – I would be pissed if my adult kids used a photo of me with my ex. Even a family photo. You know, her friends were probably the ones she cried to and leaned on for support during her divorce. She probably wanted to spare you alot of her pain. Her friends probably heard a lot more of her feelings about it than you. I say this because I too am divorced due to ex cheating. And I spoke about it way more to my friends than to my kids in order to keep them out of the middle and not trash talk their dad to them. I have friends who did the same. My friends know my pain about this way more than my kids do. Not that my kids don’t know, but it’s hard to be vulnerable with your kids. You try to be strong for them. Her friends probably would know her feelings on this better than you.
NTA I’ve been divorced from a cheater for over a decade and happily partnered with someone new. I wouldn’t mind if they used our old photos from when I was married. I don’t have any individual photos from that period either
Esh I think it just depends on how she felt about him towards the end. I personally think if she still hated him than yeah you kinda are the asshole. It’s not hard to Photoshop someone out of a photo. There is even a reddit page where they will do it for tips and or small monatery donations. However I don’t think it was right for her friends to call you about it.
In hindsight, it might have been worth having ex-husband photoshopped out of existence first. That said, it was the best picture available. NTA.
NTA. Regardless of whatever happened afterwards you used a picture from a moment of time where your mom was happy.
What sort of “friends” would try to make a grieving daughter feel bad about her mother’s funeral?
NTA.
NTA, he is the father of her children. That makes him a significant part of her life. Regardless of how it ended, He was important to her in the sense that he helped raise her kids–this assumes, of course that he actually did, both before and after the divorce.
And they’re connected because they had kids together so not NTA
I’m so sorry that you lost your mom. It is a terrible loss. The thing that I learned from the loss of my parents is that THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE. I think the people who texted you should be ashamed of themselves. Who are they to tell you how to mourn or respect your mother?
Don’t let anyone shame you and don’t listen to anyone’s judgement about your life and your relationship with your mom, in the past, and in the present.
Be very gentle with yourself
You can use one of my mom’s favorite sayings, in response to those texts…”oh! I don’t recall asking for your opinion “.
It’s YOUR mom. They’re insane for thinking they get a say in any of it
NTA. It was a wonderful moment in your mother’s life to see one of her children wed. A good photo of her at one of the high points in her life with the most important people in her life was a good choice, especially since you had so few options. Was this a photo your mother would have chosen? I think that’s important to think about and may be the only question here, really. If she would have chosen that photo, then there really is not ground for her friends to stand on. Sorry for your loss, and sorry that your mother’s friends are dog piling as if you don’t have enough grief.
NTA. A, You went out of your way to find the best photos you could, while I’m sure dealing with a million other details to make the celebration of life special and worthy of your mom. B, by virtue of being your and your siblings’ dad, he was part of your mom’s life and history, it’s not something you can erase. C, how insensitive of your mom’s friends to text you to presume that THEY know better than YOU what was “disrespectful” to your mom. They are being disrespectful, this is about the family grieving and not them.
Wondering, how did your siblings feel about the use of the photo? Were they OK with it?
Why didn’t you just edit the photo and make it just her?
NTA.
Your mom is dead. You are not. Her celebration of life is about her, but it’s for you. Her friends should know their place, and it’s not to criticize you.
Info: what do you think your mom would have thought about having that picture front and center at her celebration of life? How close to her were the friends who said it was disrespectful – family friends you see once in a while or close friends you tell everything? Was photoshopping an image so that it was just her time or cost prohibitive?
We used pics of my mom in my dads services. They were all special family photos. That was part of his life, why should it be erased?
NTA. It is nobody else’s business how you grieve your mom, and choosing a family picture is fine. You knew it wasn’t ideal because it had your Dad in it, but nobody supplied a better picture – and it was one where she was happy, and said she liked how she looked.
You don’t owe these people an explanation, and if they knew your mom so well, they’d have known she didn’t like her picture being taken. But I guess if they texted you can reply to ask if they’d like to provide a picture that would be more suitable.
NTA. And your mom’s friends are being jerks for giving you this drama as you’re dealing with this huge loss.
This is a good reminder for people (like me) who hate to have their picture taken, to do it for those we leave behind, especially our kids.
NTA, you should respond with, “thank you for your support during this difficult time. It has been a hard time since we lost our beloved MOTHER. I know she appreciated your friendship and would be glad to know how you are looking after her loved ones. Please share with us any photos you have of her, as you may recall she disliked her photo being taken so our options were limited. However, it sounds like you may have some photos of her without our dad in them, so we would love a copy.
Thank you!”
This will hopefully remind them that you didn’t have many options, and if that is not true, you end up with extra photos you didn’t know about the woman you loved.
NTA
I can imagine few things more inappropriate than criticizing a grieving person who just buried their parent because you don’t think they did the funeral right.
Ask them, since they were such good friends to your mother, if they think she’d want them to be giving you crap NOW of all times.
Soft YTA. I have no doubt that you meant no harm. The photo is important for you and your siblings and you should all value it. But the celebration was to honor your Mom’s life. Her cheating husband wasn’t a happy experience. It might have been challenging but you could have cropped the photo to just be her. Or covered his face, used an older photo, an item that she cherished or an item that represented who she was. If I used a photo that included my father when it’s time for my Mom’s celebration of live, she would haunt me into a grave and then torture me for eternity. Lol! They’ve been divorced over 40 years! Those just aren’t feelings anyone should be celebrating.
I would rather have zero pictures of me at my celebration of life than have a picture of me and my cheating ex. There’s nothing you can do about it now but I would have advised you to crop him out. I hesitate to vote because although your mother would have most likely hated it, celebration of life, funeral’s etc are for the living not for the deceased.
NTA – I’m an adult with an adult child and it’s only been in the past 5 years that put out a photo of my brother and I as kids with our parents who are divorced. Her friends should have kept their opinions to themselves.
NTA but this is why r/PhotoshopRequest exist – they edit out exes all the time for very similar reasons. I don’t think you’re TA for not thinking of it, but options did exist that you didn’t take. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think your mom would be mad at you for doing your best.
NTA. Don’t let the busy body friends make you feel bad. Planning the celebration of life fell on your shoulders and you did it to the best of your ability. Even if you come to the conclusion that you made a mistake here, it’s irrelevant. You were the one who took on this responsibility and you did it well.
I also wonder whether those friends of your mom are acting out their grief here by wanting to make it clear that they knew a side of your mother that you did not. It might make it easier for them to feel like they are still connected and their status is valued not having been family if they know this and you did not.
NTA
Your father is a part of her history. He is a fact. The photo is literally a snapshot of a moment in time.
Their divorce does not mean that he wasn’t a part of her life.
Her friends who scolded you are AHs.
NTA. It was a picture of your mom that you found meaningful and special. Who are these people to criticize your choice as a grieving child.
INFO: How did your mother feel about him? That’s the real determining factor. Would your mom have been upset about his picture being there?
My philosophy on the subject: Once you love someone, you love them. Love itself never stops, but other things do. If you say your mother hated him for what he did, I would say your mother still loved him, but hated what he did. If they had gotten beyond that, then it doesn’t matter what her friends think.
Love gets old, but it’s always love. Passion dies, but love does not. Time and distance render love dormant but not innate. Interest, patience, desire, lust, they can all go away. That’s why relationships end. They end because holding onto the love becomes too taxing. The love never goes anywhere.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. You stepped up and put on the celebration of life, that is a huge task. This can’t be changed, so why would they text? What do they want? Your mom was happy on that day, remember that, that was the point of the celebration. You did a good job.
NTA
NTA. Regardless of why their marriage didn’t work out, they created kids together that they both loved. You did nothing wrong with showing her happy and proud of her family.
NTA.
NTA
Little different situation but here it is. My mom was ☠️ in a car accident. We were working on the picture boards and there were pictures of all of us with her and my dad, they had divorced about 8 years before her ☠️. We included the pictures of her with my dad because though they divorced he was a part of her life. And he even said he was fine with the pictures being displaying because it was a part of both their lives. And yes the marriage didn’t end on the best terms but my mom always said she never regretted the marriage because it gave her my sister and I
NTA. It’s your fucking mom, however they feel is nothing compared to what you care about.
NTA.
I just want to first say that I’m really sorry for your loss. Losing a loving parent is something already so heavy to even just think about, let alone actually happen.
It’s very clear that you did everything in your power while in grief to honor your mother’s memory beautifully—and you did it with the limited photos you have and even her approval of the photo in mind.
‘Celebration of Life’ I think should mean you celebrate the happiness, the resilience, and the love a person experienced or showed in their life—and your mother’s joyous and confident smile, her great liking of the perfect dress she wore; which I think means your mother was a happy, loving person who kept bouncing back from the hardships of life to be able to smile like that.
You worked with what you had and you were highlighting her, not him. Her, her presence, her joy, and her role as the loving mother you knew her to be in your lives.
You definitely not just celebrated, but also honored her life in the thoughtfulness and love behind choosing that photo—one, that again, she herself approved of.
You didn’t disrespect her: you honored her beautifully. And anyone who truly knew her should and would know that. Forget her friends—they’re just her friends, not her daughter. She’s your mom, not theirs.
You are definitely NTA.
NTA It’s a picture of her with her family at a happy occasion. It would have been awkward to crop him out and what else were you supposed to do given your limited options? You even asked these friends for help and they couldn’t help you. They are out of line criticizing you for any reason while you’re grieving and doing your best.
I’m sorry for your loss.
My Mom died in April and we did a video photo montage. Several pics had dad in them, even though they’d been divorced for almost 40 years. We had tons of pics to choose from, but the few pics we chose that had dad in them also had us kids in them. The montage was roughly in chronological order, and he was part of her life, and the father of her children. Very few people at the visitation and funeral had ever met him, and some were interested in seeing pics of him.
It’s your decision, and these friends need to stay in their lane, as they’re way out of line. You did your best with what you had to work with. NTA
I added in photos of my husband’s first wife when we celebrated his life. You don’t cherry pick, it’s disrespectful.
NTA
You can’t erase any parts of a persons life.
Your mom’s friends are AHs though. You’re grieving and they are making you feel guilty about how you are handling your loss.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please block those people.
NTA. we had to plan my dad’s funeral 18 months ago and we chose photos of days that were special to him. If that day was a day where your mom looked her best and was happy and loved, then it was the right one
Gentle ESH. You can get people removed from photos but they shouldn’t have said a word to you. I am very sorry for your loss.
NTA you did what you could. But the friends are probably right. Especially if the divorce was from cheating.
NTA ! Your mother your pictures your choice . Sorry for your loss
Your her CHILD. Nta but her friends sure as hell are
Nah man. Your mother created the situation with her aversion to photos. And what the fuck are her friends on, saying you tied him to her even in death?!
She literally married the man and had kids with him. Those ties never go away. That picture is from the past, and it should be appreciated as such. It’s not like you wrote a note on it saying, “I wish you had never divorced.”
It was a celebration of her life, and a picture taken in a moment of pure joy for her in her life, editing the original picture would be discrediting some of her joy, it wasn’t a picture showing the pain he caused later. NTA, and sorry for your loss.
info: How acrimonious was the split? especially from Mom’s perspective.
Did they divorce, but find some peace and friendship or at least civility?
Or was it bitter and your mom hated his fucking guts and would shit talk him if brought up and didn’t want anything to do with him?
NTA It was because of that relationship that you and your siblings exist (I’m assuming?).
Is it kind of a grey area? Yes. Maybe she hated your dad. But honestly, screw her friends for saying anything to you about it. They should have kept their feelings to themselves. Not make you feel bad about a f-ing photo, that your mom looked great in, at her memorial.
They could have helped with photos, but they didn’t. So,…
NTA but if it was the only picture on display then you should have cropped out the other people. When my mum died we had a photo board and it included photos of her with my dad (they were divorced) and also some of her with other boyfriends. But if I been using just one photo I would never have chosen one of her with ANY of her ex’s, including my dad, seeing as she was single when she died.
To me, what you did gives/gave the impression they were still together when she died.
Well. I do know I’d be rolling over in my grave if someone created a shrine of me and my cheating ex. But he’s your dad so that does complicate things.
I’m not gonna call you an asshole, funerals are for the living, but it certainly is not how I’d want to be remembered/portrayed.
And if you’d had no photos, they’d be complaining about that.
NTA.
He was a part of her life, her husband and father of her kids, I think it was fine. Lives evolve, relationships fail, but you can’t erase family history.
NTA. I believe that at a celebration of life you should recognize their whole life. That included your dad. Without their relationship she wouldn’t have been a mother. You can’t erase parts of her life. It was her story. I’m sorry for your loss and hope that some day her memories comfort you during the times without her.
NTA. Organizing everything after a death is hard enough without people giving you shit over the choices. If they didn’t volunteer pics then they’re the problem anyway.
No, not at all. For one thing it’s your mother and you and your siblings decision what pictures of her you want to display.
Secondly, even though your mom divorced your dad 20 years ago, he was a very big part of her life, as he is your father.
I think people should mind their own business and leave families to tend to their loved ones.
Don’t let those people get to you, they are the ones who are being disrespectful.
My deepest condolences to you and your family.
NTA. He’s your Dad. She was your Mom, making all of you a family, despite his behavior. I bet that pic is a reminder of the happy times.
YTA. In this day and age, some clean quick photoshop would have removed him/isolated her in the photo. Maybe it’s a great photo for you, but there’s a reason(s) they divorced and chose to be separate for the rest of eternity.
Your moms friends are assholes for trying to make you feel bad after YOU lost YOUR mother. Screw them…if your mom looked beautiful and you liked the photo, that’s all that matters.
NTA. I also hate photos but if you can find one where I look happy and lovely and am surrounded by my family I don’t care where it is taken, I would want you to use it.
YTA. Sorry for your loss but you could have photoshopped him out or cut him out. If they had divorced on friendly terms then yea but he cheated on her. I would have never had anything of him on her celebration day. Yea she looked beautiful but deep down she would not have wanted that picture displayed with him in it.
NTA
If her friends cared so much why didn’t they include pics? Why didn’t they insist on taking some when she was still alive, knowing she would one day need recent pics of herself.
It’s your dad and your mother , you can do what you like
NTA I cannot imagine contacting one the chief mourners at a “Celebration of Life” to express disapproval or criticism over the use of an old family photo.
Yes, these people were her friends, but you lost YOUR MOTHER. Do they honestly think that your deceased mother would want them to badger and harass you at this time on her behalf?
This is definitely one of those, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” type situations.
I never met your mom, but I’m 100% sure she would have wanted you to use whichever photograph gave YOU a sense of solace and comfort. And I’m sure she would have wanted her friends to keep mouths shut if they couldn’t think of something kind to say to you.
Why can’t people mind their own business? My god.
NTA. Honey, you’re grieving your mother. People need to lay off you. You did your best and frankly it sounds wonderful. I am sorry for your loss.
Do not worry about it. You made the decision you thought was best. Grieving is hard.
No judgment but my mom is the same way and I constantly remind her that I love her as she exists, right now, in her body, with all the things she hates about herself. Nobody else hates them, cause her arms give strong hugs, and her hands make meals for people in need with love, and her smile with cracked teeth are a sign she worked her entire life to give her kids the life they deserved and is only shared in moments of joy. We are our own worst enemy
NTA and shame on them. You picked it because she looked beautiful. Unless she said “never include him ever!” as a request, you’re doing the best you can in this awful time to celebrate her life. He’s a part of her life even though he did a bad thing. What’s worse–not sharing her image for people to celebrate her, or sharing an image with a dude who the day is not about in any way and people probably won’t think about him?
NTA
But situations like this is what photo shop is for. Photos with my ex, we had no pictures of him without a drink in hand and after he went on the wagon he edited those drinks out of every single photo and you would never have known they were there. It was pretty amazing.
NTA, if they had a problem with the picture they can supply the picture. You can’t just make up a photograph that doesn’t exist. I guess you could’ve photoshopped it, but you’re also grieving right now and idk why people keep forgetting that.
Oh for heaven’s sake. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you made a lovely choice, and more to the point, anyone who criticizes you at your mother’s memorial should be ashamed of themselves. NTA
NTA. I am divorced and remarried. I was with my ex-husband for 20 years and have two kids. If my memorial doesn’t have pictures of us together I’d be pissed. Yeah, our relationship wasn’t pretty when it ended, but there’s a huge chunk of my life where likely the only pictures of me will include him. Most of those 20 years were great. I can’t just erase them.