I (27F) just had my court house wedding a few days ago. My husband (28M) and I do plan on having a ceremony at a later time but he’s military so we went to the court house for simplicity on that end while we plan. I told my mom about the plan and she was on board and understood she wouldn’t be able to come to the court house wedding. My mom does not have her own car and is limited financially (so renting is unrealistic for her at the moment)..when it comes to her visiting I’m the one who has to pay and drive her. The drive is 4hrs each way and usually is 80$ in gas round trip. I had considered doing the drive and charging a hotel for her but after looking at my own numbers it just didn’t feel financially responsible for me to do. My husband’s mom and aunt bought their own plane tickets to come and see us. With them funding their own way to and from it didn’t feel right to ask them not to and he doesn’t see them often. Well…my mom is now very mad at me. She keeps saying that I’m just hoping she’s dead before my actual ceremony and that I always treat her like garbage..etc etc. Now this isn’t new behavior from my mom it’s just weighing on me more this time. I understand her being upset about missing it…however she knew of the date we picked as soon as we picked it so she had time to discuss it with me. I talked to my mom about the day all the time and each time she would just respond short and change the topic. I’m her only child she has now (my brother passed away) and she keeps saying how I should’ve made sure she was there. The way she keeps talking is making me nervous about having her at the actual ceremony as I don’t want drama…I don’t know….
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I (27F) just had my court house wedding a few days ago. My husband (28M) and I do plan on having a ceremony at a later time but he’s military so we went to the court house for simplicity on that end while we plan. I told my mom about the plan and she was on board and understood she wouldn’t be able to come to the court house wedding. My mom does not have her own car and is limited financially (so renting is unrealistic for her at the moment)..when it comes to her visiting I’m the one who has to pay and drive her. The drive is 4hrs each way and usually is 80$ in gas round trip. I had considered doing the drive and charging a hotel for her but after looking at my own numbers it just didn’t feel financially responsible for me to do. My husband’s mom and aunt bought their own plane tickets to come and see us. With them funding their own way to and from it didn’t feel right to ask them not to and he doesn’t see them often. Well…my mom is now very mad at me. She keeps saying that I’m just hoping she’s dead before my actual ceremony and that I always treat her like garbage..etc etc. Now this isn’t new behavior from my mom it’s just weighing on me more this time. I understand her being upset about missing it…however she knew of the date we picked as soon as we picked it so she had time to discuss it with me. I talked to my mom about the day all the time and each time she would just respond short and change the topic. I’m her only child she has now (my brother passed away) and she keeps saying how I should’ve made sure she was there. The way she keeps talking is making me nervous about having her at the actual ceremony as I don’t want drama…I don’t know….
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Didn’t make sure my mom was at my court house wedding. She’s my mom and missed my wedding but my MIL was there.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Right or wrong you had to know that having your husbands mom and aunt there but not her would hurt her feelings.
NTA. Someone needs to tell your mom that not everything is about her. Enjoy your new marriage and congratulations.
Tell her she’s welcome to come, just like your husband’s aunt and mother. She just needs to be able to finance her travels. That’s up to her. She’s a big girl, OP, not your child. She should be able to work these things out by now.
NTA. Your mom knew the date well in advance and was on board with her not coming like you said. She has FOMO because his family was there and instead of acknowledging that and moving on, she’s being mean to you.
Congratulations on your marriage!
NTA
If she wanted to be there, she’d find a way to be there. It’s suppose it’s easier for her to put the burden on you to figure it on her behalf. She is a grownass adult with no money and no car. That says a lot about the path she has chosen for herself. Don’t play into her BS. Get married, work hard, and live a good life.
NTA. She knew the date. If it was truly that important to her, she would’ve found a way. She’s just using this to manipulate you.
Can you plan a date with her with you and you husband and renew your vows in front of her ?
NTA. Her reaction just proves she would not have been deserving of your efforts had you tried to move heaven and earth to get her there. Why does she think that you are more responsible for being in a financial position to be able to foot the bill for her when she herself is not in that financial position?
I dislike this from your mum because just as much as she feels you should have made sure she was there… she too could have tried to figure something out. I feel your NTA because she’s unfair but I think feeling left out is a natural reaction
NTA.
OMG! Pack your bags because you are going on a guilt trip. NTA.
100% NTA – you aren’t responsible for your mother and the level effort you’d need to take for a court house wedding is a lot. Even if it wasn’t a court house wedding, you wouldn’t have been responsible for making sure she was there.
People do exactly what they want to do. She is an adult and could have made her own plans to be there! She didn’t.
She’s mad at you now (after the wedding) but was ok with the plan before the wedding? Was she aware MIL and aunt were coming or did she find out after the fact? I’m wondering if she thought nobody was attending the courthouse ceremony, and if she had known that others were coming, she might have made more of an effort to be there.
…then again, maybe not.
Edit to say YTA based on the new info.
Mom’s a little manipulative, isn’t she?
NTA—but I would have a hard talk with her about reality. She’s the parent and you are the child. Guilt tripping, while an effective tool for being manipulative, is not the answer for a sustainable relationship. Your dynamics have changed dramatically, now that you’re married—it’s no longer just you when making decisions.
The reality is MIL and aunt paid for themselves because they felt it was worth their time to show up and support. Your mom did, what I assume she always does, wait for you to cover her. You shared your brother passed away and I am so sorry for your loss. Otherwise, I would have suggested LC. However, I cannot imagine how difficult that is as a parent to have to deal with that loss, which is why I suggest you have reality check talk with mom. Be empathetic and understanding, but be clear about the situation and how you want the relationship to be going forward.
/r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA. I completely understand why you feel bad and also why she is disappointed but as you have clearly stated, it wasn’t financially responsible to have her there and it is in the past. But f you can give her a job for your celebration so she feels valued, that might help lessen the sting. I wouldn’t engage with her about missing the actual wedding anymore. It’s over. Pick a statement like, “I wish it had worked out for you to be there but it didn’t,” and be a broken record. Then move onto topics related to the present and future.