I 31(F) just got into a bit of a discussion no yelling or screaming but I got upset with my 37(M) spouse for approaching me and saying hey you don’t have to but would you mind dying your hair a more natural color for reference my hair is like a berry red kind of color. I just recently touched it up actually to make it more vibrant and cover some roots that had grown out. I lived a very sheltered life and wasn’t able to ever really dye my hair wear make up or get my nails done basically be a girly girl when I really wanted to. So as I got older made my own money and could buy my own things I’ve always gone to dying my hair fun bright colors but now after almost 11 years of marriage he states my hair is too loud. Wants me to dye it back a muted color or more naturalesque color. I got upset and he got defensive and was like you know what forget I said anything and don’t do it. I said no it’s fine you don’t like the pink color cool whatever. He said I didn’t say I don’t like it it’s just loud. So I’m currently upstairs crying over this am I the asshole for getting upset and crying about him telling me to change my hair because it’s “too loud” I feel he’s telling me to mute my personality am I reading into this too much?
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I 31(F) just got into a bit of a discussion no yelling or screaming but I got upset with my 37(M) spouse for approaching me and saying hey you don’t have to but would you mind dying your hair a more natural color for reference my hair is like a berry red kind of color. I just recently touched it up actually to make it more vibrant and cover some roots that had grown out. I lived a very sheltered life and wasn’t able to ever really dye my hair wear make up or get my nails done basically be a girly girl when I really wanted to. So as I got older made my own money and could buy my own things I’ve always gone to dying my hair fun bright colors but now after almost 11 years of marriage he states my hair is too loud. Wants me to dye it back a muted color or more naturalesque color. I got upset and he got defensive and was like you know what forget I said anything and don’t do it. I said no it’s fine you don’t like the pink color cool whatever. He said I didn’t say I don’t like it it’s just loud. So I’m currently upstairs crying over this am I the asshole for getting upset and crying about him telling me to change my hair because it’s “too loud” I feel he’s telling me to mute my personality am I reading into this too much?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I started an argument over my husband telling me to change my hair color. It is just hair so maybe I am the a hole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nah, you good!
Nta.
Dont let anyone value your own worth even if he is your husband.
Don’t change what you like for him. He should love you either way.
He is being very inconsiderate. You are your own person with your own personality.
He should not have said that. I’m sorry.
The worst thing about it is now, if you keep it loud, you’ll know he doesn’t like it. If you change it to a more normal color , you’ll hate it because you’ll know it’s not your first choice.
He ruined something for you, that you enjoyed.
NTA.
Depending on his delivery, NAH. I used to dye my hair Ariel red—so laughably fake red. My (now) husband wasn’t a fan and liked natural on me too but I did it for me, not him. It made me happy. I don’t think your husband is an AH for asking for a different color that he likes—my husband prefers certain lipstick colors on me so I’ll wear them when we go on a date for him (I also like them). Your husband would be an AH if he told/made you dye your hair a certain color. You’re also N T A for feeling how you feel.
Just tell your husband how his comment made you feel and clear the air. The internet knows less about your relationship than you do.
Let’s flip the conversation around. Say you went to him about something you wanted him to change. Would you call him an asshole for reacting the way you did?
I wish people just said no thanks and leave it at at.
See how he would have responded to a blunt “no”
NTA. Tell him you’d like him to shave his head bald because his hair also feels too loud for your liking.
NAH
Your husband is allowed to have a preference and an opinion, as long as he is polite and not standing in the way of you doing what you prefer with your own body. He politely asked, and you said no. What is there to cry about? Do you require that he loves your hair color, or do you color it to please yourself?
Judging from the info presented here, I currently lean toward NAH. You might be overreacting, you might not be. Can you find out why he would prefer you to have a less ‚loud‘ hair color? Did he always think that or did something change on his end?
It is your body and your choice how to dye your hair. Communicate openly with him (once you feel calm enough), about his feelings („what made you feel that the color is too loud? Why would you prefer a more muted color?“) and about your feelings („my hair color is very important to me because because before adulthood I was never allowed to express my personality the way I wanted to. You saying that you find it too loud makes me feel as if you think my personality is ‚too loud‘ and that you would me to be more ‚muted‘ not just my hair color“).
You have been together for 11 years, what are the reasons it now bothers him? Maybe it was a misunderstanding or maybe he indeed wants to stifle you in order to have you conform to some weird ‚standard‘ in his head. Maybe someone he know made disparaging remarks about you hair color and now he suddenly is bothered by it where he wasn’t before.
Sorry for the long text, I hope it wasn’t too incoherent. 🫣
You need to grow up 11 years of marriage and you are still rebelling against your parents
So I kind of have the opposite, my partner prefers it when I have “loud” hair but recently I’ve preferred natural/pastel colours.
I know he prefers the brighter colours because he has told me and asked me, I’ve had a similar conversation as you. But I didn’t fly of the handle and cry! He is the one looking at me daily. I just explained while i appreciate his opinion and preference, currently this is how I want my hair for me.
He never said your personality is too loud, he never said you must change it. He just expressed an opinion. Are you going to react this way every time he does?
That said it’s clearly something important to you and I wonder if you haven’t made him aware of how much it means to have bright coloured hair and why?
NAH.
NTA but I will say that it may just be his age showing. He’s getting closer to 40 now. 11 years ago you were both in your 20’s and he may have thought you’d eventually “grow out” of this bright colored hair phase. I am your age and I still feel young, I don’t associate hair color with maturity or anything like that. But he may feel like he’s entering a different phase in his life and he wants you to follow in that sense. I do not think you should change your hair just because he asked. I am just offering a different perspective that may be able to get this to where NAH and you guys can just talk it out.
Yuck! NTA. Your hair is yours. Have fun with it! Idt he understands how important hair is to women. Maybe explain where u r coming from. I’d feel so ugly if my (nonexistent) husband said that to me.
I’m the opposite of you. I dyed my hair so much when I was younger that now, it’s my natural color and that’s new for me. I’m 37f ash brown with some platinum highlights naturally. Before, I’d bleach it to that ashy blonde everyone was wearing forever. I’ve dyed it every color in the book, except green. I loved purple and bright pink!
Who’s got in his ear? Has he seen his mother lately?
What are these comments😭 Your hair, do as you please
Punctuation is your friend, btw…
You’ve been married 11 years and this sets you off? Cmon now…
NAH. I’m guessing you’re asking because you didn’t expect to discover that your hair color is tied to a sensitive emotional spot for you, and that you do know, intellectually, he’s not unhappy with you. Take a little to decompress. Emotions are things we feel, and we react to what we feel, so take the time to feel what you feel without feeding it so you aren’t reacting to the surprise poke. Maybe consider what could have made being able to express yourself with loud colors into something that’s so important to, and see if you even want to try to unpack your essential “you-ness” from the way you look.
Nobody’s TAH here. You guys just need to talk more.
NTA but why are you crying, don’t cry, just say no it’s my hair and I like it this way. That’s it.
I’m kinda leaning to yes you are. Sorry.
You wrote above “hey you don’t have to but would you mind dying your hair a more natural color”. It’s an Ask, not a Told. Big difference.
Why the drama?
I feel a bit of a overreaction. Its not that deep, its just a bit of colour. Unless your personality will change, which is unlikely, either coloration should be fine
NTA. he married you knowing this, and is now unfairly asking you to become someone else. if he doesn’t like how you (have always) presented yourself, he needs to go find someone who will shrink for him. that’s not on you. are you too loud or is he too boring
you’re going to have to choose between being who you are and being with a man who doesn’t seem to care about your autonomy. i’d ditch the man
Have you told him the beginning of that? And how its deeply personal to your sense of self and individuality? Ask him why now?
Just seems you didnt really communicate that but rather walled off. It happens. But maybe when the hightened emotions have settled sit down and talk with him about why you took it so personally. Im coming in with no context of your relationship but im assuming he loves you very much, and so I think if you take the time to explain to him why its so important to you he will understand.