I (26F) am the go-to host for family dinners, and I usually enjoy it. But my aunt (55F) has a frustrating habit: she shows up uninvited with extra guests like friends or random relatives without telling me. It’s happened too many times, leaving me to stretch food and space on the spot. I’ve asked her nicely to give me a heads-up, but she just says, “Family should be spontaneous,” and ignores me.
With today being March 31st, I’m hosting a family dinner tomorrow, April 1st, for my parents’ anniversary. Knowing my aunt will likely crash it with extras, I decided to try something new. Last week, I sent a group message saying that because hosting costs keep rising (and the guest list keeps growing), I’m asking each adult to chip in $10 to cover expenses. I figured this was a fair way to handle it without pointing fingers.
Tomorrow’s the big day, but I can already picture it: my aunt will roll up with three unannounced friends. When I ask for the $10 contributions at the door, she’ll probably laugh and say, “Oh, great April Fool’s joke!” I’ll have to explain it’s not a prank and that it’s about respect and planning, especially since she keeps doing this. I’m betting she’ll get mad, call me “stingy,” and storm off, which has happened before when I’ve set boundaries.
The family’s already split. Some think I should let it slide since it’s a special occasion (and tomorrow’s April Fool’s Day might confuse things), while others say I’m right to stand my ground. I’m worried my aunt will spin it as me pulling a “mean prank” if she takes it the wrong way.
TL;DR: AITA for charging an entry fee for tomorrow’s dinner, even though it’s on April 1st?
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I (26F) am the go-to host for family dinners, and I usually enjoy it. But my aunt (55F) has a frustrating habit: she shows up uninvited with extra guests like friends or random relatives without telling me. It’s happened too many times, leaving me to stretch food and space on the spot. I’ve asked her nicely to give me a heads-up, but she just says, “Family should be spontaneous,” and ignores me.
With today being March 31st, I’m hosting a family dinner tomorrow, April 1st, for my parents’ anniversary. Knowing my aunt will likely crash it with extras, I decided to try something new. Last week, I sent a group message saying that because hosting costs keep rising (and the guest list keeps growing), I’m asking each adult to chip in $10 to cover expenses. I figured this was a fair way to handle it without pointing fingers.
Tomorrow’s the big day, but I can already picture it: my aunt will roll up with three unannounced friends. When I ask for the $10 contributions at the door, she’ll probably laugh and say, “Oh, great April Fool’s joke!” I’ll have to explain it’s not a prank and that it’s about respect and planning, especially since she keeps doing this. I’m betting she’ll get mad, call me “stingy,” and storm off, which has happened before when I’ve set boundaries.
The family’s already split. Some think I should let it slide since it’s a special occasion (and tomorrow’s April Fool’s Day might confuse things), while others say I’m right to stand my ground. I’m worried my aunt will spin it as me pulling a “mean prank” if she takes it the wrong way.
TL;DR: AITA for charging an entry fee for tomorrow’s dinner, even though it’s on April 1st?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because I decided to charge an “entry fee” of $10 per adult for a family dinner I’m hosting on April 1st to cover the costs, mainly due to my aunt’s habit of bringing uninvited guests without notice. This action might make me the asshole because it could be seen as inhospitable and petty, especially since the dinner is for my parents’ anniversary
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Question: Have you directly told her that she is not allowed to bring guests without talking to you about it? Are you expecting everyone to pay $10?
NTA – send out a reminder email of what time dinner is, and include a note saying, I know tomorrow is April 1st, and April Fool’s day, but the $10 charge IS NOT A JOKE. If you plan on attending, plan on bringing $10 per adult.
Ughhh why are you still inviting this aunt over? You’re the hostess.
INFO
Why are you still inviting this woman at all when she has demonstrated such callous disrespect?
NTA.
But another way that this can backfire is that it will give some people (especially your aunt) the impression that the $10 will completely absolve them from any need to tell you whether they are coming or ask you whether you have room for their whole softball team to join. If you ALSO want people to RSVP, and to ask for permission to add to the list, you need to say that. Make sure that everyone else understands. Plan a dinner where it’s obvious that there are only enough supplies for people who confirmed ahead of time and paid – like 1 steak each, 1 cob of corn each, 1 plate per person, place cards, etc.
It’s sort of done already but it would have been more effective to simply say to this aunt please do not bring any guests, we don’t have room for them. And to the remainder of the family, “please share in the festivities by bringing a dish to pass. let me know what it will be so I can coordinate with others”.
I’m so torn on this. I don’t think you’re the AH for asking for help covering unexpected guests, but to ask it from everyone to cover one person’s dismissal of a basic request is an AH move.
ESH.
If your aunt is going to invite randos – make it awkward. Answer the door and say “Oh, I’m sorry – who is this?” or “Oh, I wasn’t expecting extra people and don’t have the space or food to cover everyone. I’m going to have to ask you to please find somewhere else to have dinner tonight as our table is full/all meals are accounted for.”
Push it back on her, if you set a boundary and keep letting her walk all over it, it’s not really a boundary, is it?
I would straight up tell her If she shows up with extra guest then she can share her food with them or leave and stick to it! As long as you allow her to treat you this way she will continue doing it.
I would just explicitly not allow guests or stop inviting the ant or, and something I and people I know have done: just stop hosting it entirely.
If everyone’s going to make it a pain, they can go do it.
Charging an entry fee doesn’t make you an AH, but there are better ways to deal with your aunt. You need a more direct approach with your aunt. Be firm. The seating is limited and food is planned for a certain amount of guests. It is not okay for her to bring additional people to your house without your permission. If she can’t agree, then she’s not welcome.
I don’t think you should be calling it an entry fee. Call it what it is: a contribution to help with expenses. Calling it an entry fee makes it sound too much like an exclusive club and has an overall bad connotation for a family dinner.
Let her take it the wrong way. NTA. When dogs behave badly you ignore them until they decide to do something you can praise … it works with humans also
EHS jeeeez Louise don’t invite her and that’s the end. If she ask then tell her why.
NTA but whichever parent of yours is her sibling is an AH for not shutting her down years ago.
NTA. And if everyone is so ok with your Aunt bringing extras and she won’t pay, then can chip in for those people too.
Turn up at her house at 6pm one evening, unannounced, with as many friends as you can get to go with you. Tell her you’ve come to dinner. Family should be spontaneous.
You need to call her today and be very clear with her that any extra people are not welcome unless $10 is chipped in .
Set up a child’s table like in the garage and put your aunt and her guests.
I think it’s a creative idea. Maybe put all the money into a hat and draw a number. The one who wins gets half and the rest reimburses you.
So you are footing the bill for all of this?
NTA, but If you’ve asked her nicely, and believably, then don’t invite her next time.
If you mention it in such a way that seems joking (or otherwise), the make sure you are being very clear and direct in telling her your boundary. “aunt, I do not want you to be bringing extra people. I’m not joking. Family can be spontaneous at your place, but it isn’t here. I’ve already told you this before, but something got lost in translation. Is there any question or uncertainty that needs clearing up?”
NTA.
If your aunt wants family to be spontaneous, she can host.
When you’re hosting, you get to set the rules.
NTA, but the $10 seems unnecessarily confusing, especially since it doesn’t help you know if extra folks are coming so you can plan accordingly in advance. Just emphasize “no extra guests” in the invite and if your aunt ignores it just kick her and the extra guests out and tell her you’re just being “spontaneous”.
NTA. Call her and let her know now so there’s no confusion. Ask if she can send you the money for her and her guests etc now so you can buy enough groceries?
NTA. Stand firm. Does Aunt ever host? Cause I vote next time she does invite the neighborhood. She is a very poor guest if she doesn’t advise that additional people or even herself will be attending. We had thanksgiving at my Grand ILs and several members of the family just showed up and left without even helping clean up. Absolutely abysmal manners and social etiquette. Don’t even let Aunt know if there is a gathering.
I love hosting but realized there are some family members that like to attend but not host themselves (seriously, one invited us to their party, made it a potluck, asked us to bring gifts, and gave everyone water. That’s it).
It’s not necessary for me to turn it into a thing so now I just invite a select group over.
So I’m echoing a few people when I ask why you’re still inviting her? Personally I would invite the group and if she finds out then tell her why.
YTA. You’re charging the rest of your family so you can have some kind of weird ‘gotcha’ moment on your aunt, clearly defined by how excited you are that she might be put out before a dinner that hasn’t even happened yet.
NTA, when the same person is the host every time, it makes sense for everyone to contribute anyways. That’s what we do in my family. The host already has the burden of hosting, they don’t need to add a financial burden to it, especially when there is no realistic option of reciprocating.
ESH, however, next time she shows you with extra bodies, divide her entree into the number of people she shows up with AND they need to sit in the other room as there are no extra seats at the table.
Too petty. It’s time to include a blurb on the dinner invite that absolutely NO uninvited guests will be allowed through the door, no exceptions. That is your boundary, and if she decides to raise a stink, she can cook her own dinner.
NTA, but with a bit of reservation on how you’re choosing to handle this imagined scenario.
She’s 100% in the wrong for imposing extra guests that weren’t invited. That’s absolutely deplorable and she’s in the wrong for doing this consistently enough for you to think you need to take measures to curtail this.
You, at the same time, are not making it clear whether the $10 entry fee is really, REALLY being applied to everyone, or if it’s only being used to dissuade your aunt from bringing along extra people. If it’s across the board and you plan to enforce it…that’s still probably the cheapest, most delicious meal they’ll have all day so no harm no foul in asking for some help in chipping in for your effort.
If you are just doing this as a deterrent and really only plan to target your aunt and her guests, you’re handling this the wrong way.
First off, a very simple “Yes, it’s April Fool’s, but this is very real and very much not a prank. I fully expect everyone to contribute, or they will be asked to leave.” would solve your imagined April Fool’s joke scenario.
Secondly, you’re setting another unwelcome precedent that rather than abide by your wishes that she not bring uninvited guests, you’re simply setting a very low (in my opinion) monetary fine for doing so. Rather than “punish” the other guests at your parents’ anniversary dinner, lay down the law and stop being stepped on.
“Aunt Housecrasher, I need to make sure you are aware that I have set the table for only the guests I myself have invited to my home. If you bring others, they will be turned away and you along with them as I have planned for a precise number of people. I’d hate for you to have to miss out on the event because you are then obligated to play host for these guests at some other venue. It will NOT be here. It would be awkard if you made tomorrow about you and whomever you might decide to invite without my permission rather than about my parents special celebration so please respect my wishes. I am firm on this.”
Call her tomorrow morning and remind her that NO EXTRAS allowed. If she shows up with extras you can address them directly saying you are sorry but your aunt didn’t listen and the guests will have to leave. Stand your ground.
INFO- Have you asked your aunt to stop bringing extra guests with her? Or have you only asked for a heads up?
I think you should stop hosting family dinners. And when people ask why, tell them that certain people were taking advantage.
NTA but you might have to take the challenging road of spelling it out for her in the future.
Just call your aunt to tonight and tell her no extra people tomorrow and if she does you will turn them away and stick to it.
I agree with the people who said sort of the following: Act surprised and look at her apologetically, and say “Oh dear, I planned on only x amount of people. I hope I have enough food and can squeeze everyone in at the table. That SHOULD embarass your aunt because she probably assured the people with her that it was fine that they came. It will, however, embarrass her guests as well, and it’s not their fault. Next time, send out the invitations either by email or postal mail and have each person respond with a count. In the email/postal, address it as you would a wedding invitation. Mr. & Mrs. and family, or Mr/Ms, I’m assuming your aunt is single, so you would address it, Ms. Aunt X. I really like the dish to pass idea as well.
You’re not TA for trying to set boundaries (although you seem to be doing a piss poor job of it if she still shows up with uninvited guests), but definitely YTA for voluntarily hosting an event and expecting people to pay. I would never dream of doing that. Nor would I attend a dinner at someone’s house if they expected me to “chip in” for their costs. Bringing a side dish is one thing. Straight up asking people for money is classless and tacky af.
YTA. You want us to judge your Aunt for something she hasn’t done yet but you are speculating she will do. At this point she hasn’t done much wrong.
Is this a plated meal, a buffet, or what? I think you are making it too complicated. If you don’t know the number of guests you can’t plan. $10 won’t help that. So no extra guests, you will be turned away at the door if you bring uninvited guests. That’s it.
How about just making the extra food so then their is no worries. Not worth trying to control other people’s behavior. Be kind to your family
YTA. If you don’t have the resources to host, stop hosting. Or just have people bring food, etc. But demanding family pay a cover?
Just dont answer the door
Just tell her to stop doing that or she won’t be invited anymore. Now you’re charging people for a family dinner because you won’t stand up to one person? Jeez Louise, grow a spine.
10 seems high I would have said 5 just because it isn’t fair to those who don’t take advantage.
I just spent less than 10 pp on a lasagna and shrimp scampi dinner with a salad cake and beer wine soda for 25 people.
maybe just tell the aunt that spontaneity is not acceptable for planned events and you will turn her and her guests away the next time you don’t get X amount of notice to allow you to accommodate said guests.
or make them all share her meal.
It sounds like you are worried about being considered rude for turning away uninvited guests, so you’re just deciding to be straight up rude by charging admission.
Why go through the rigamarole of giving her something justifiably weird to complain about? If she shows up uninvited, apologize and turn her away as kindly as possible.
You should absolutely stand your ground and turn her and her guests away, but charging admission is not the right way to do that.
ESH
You need to set a boundary and stick to it. You’ve asked your aunt to not bring extra people and then continue to allow her in with her extras. Either accept it will happen and plan for it or stop her and her guests at the door. Refuse them entry into your home. Is that scary? Of course it is but if you let someone cross your boundary it’s on you, not them. The only people who get upset about boundaries are the ones who benefit from you giving up a piece of yourself in order to make them comfortable.
YTA. Just stop inviting her.
It’s kinda late now, but for future get togethers, you should ask for the “contribution “ to be sent to you before the meal day so you can plan your food purchases in advance. You could even say that specific date and time will be provided when you receive payment. It’s a shame your aunt doesn’t respect you and your efforts. Good luck.
NTA for wanting this to stop, but honestly, just stop hosting and tell everyone why. Either meet in restaurants and make sure Aunt and her extras have their own checks, or let someone else host. They’ll get sick of it pretty quick and pressure the aunt to stop this behavior.
Or just don’t invite her; if she shows up, tell her you hadn’t planned for her, and shut the door in her face. Spontaneously, since “family should be spontaneous.”
ESH
Your for doing it in April fools Day knowing she’s going to take it as a joke and making the evening awkward and stressful for everyone
Don’t invite the aunt.
Or if you do. As others have said. Make it awkward. Oh I’m sorry we actually don’t have any room, I assume you brought your own table and chairs? And you’re going to have to share food, is that okay? If I knew you were coming I would have accomodated you, but aunt didn’t tell me. Make it her fault.
“The family is split” = fake story. Granted the whole thing was pretty silly to begin with.
So fess up. Whats the motivation here? No one will say. Is there some sweet Reddit advertising dough you’re getting per fake story?
I’m so confused by all of this. Tell your aunt you’re not feeding any extra guests, and that she is responsible for feeding anyone she brings.
They’re HER guests, not yours. Let her feed them. Remind her that you told her in advance there was not enough to go around. Ask her if she wants to give up get place at the table to one person, or if she will be ordering food delivered. It will be very awkward, but If she has to order and PAY for takeaway food while at the same time losing face, she’s less likely to do it again.
ESH. Your aunt is clearly in the wrong for bringing extra people and doing this nonsense.
You’re also in the wrong by not setting or enforcing any boundaries. This $10 for spontaneous guests doesn’t seem to make sense and seems designed to just cause drama day of. There won’t be enough food, so why would they give you $10? Also, if they’re going to DoorDash their own food on your account, $10 won’t cover it
You’ve gotten a lot of great suggestions from this thread, like:
-at the door, telling her guests you weren’t made aware they’d be coming so you have no food or space for them so they have to leave, or
-they can order their own food (not on your account), and seat them in a separate room
-no longer invite your aunt
-divide your aunts portion by the amount of guests she brings and put them all in a separate room
I’d implement these (the easiest being, ofc to just not invite her anymore)
Rather than make everyone else suffer, just don’t let her in. “Oh, I’m so sorry, but I only have enough for the people I invited!” Preferably through a Ring doorbell camera.
YTA to the rest of the family. If you need help paying for stuff, ask, but the way you’ve written this, it’s entirely about your aunt and not about anyone else. You should just refuse your aunt and her guests. Why punish everyone for her mistakes?
can’t say for sure. probably depends if the cost of the food is an issue for you, or if you’re tired of the effort of cooking and hosting all the time for everybody. If not, then why not just make enough for 3 or 4 extra people since this is a routine thing that she does? then people can always take extra home if there is any which people love to do (or you have more leftovers.)
if the cost and effort is an issue, then everybody should really be chipping in. sounds like you spend a lot on food for everybody plus the effort.
good luck.
NTA but just stop inviting the aunt.
No extra guests, aunt.
Hello, I’m here with extra guests.
Then you’ll have to pay $10 per person so I can accommodate the extra guests I asked you not to bring. This is not an April Fools joke.
If you keep telling her not to bring guests and she keeps bringing guests, it appears telling her is not working. She needs a VERY direct message. Telling everyone they need to pay an entry fee and expecting her to know it’s just about her is unlikely to change her behavior. Taking an indirect approach when you know she doesn’t respect your boundaries makes YTA I’m afraid.
NTA. Tell everyone something has come up and change the date. You should also think about not inviting your aunt anymore. Who cares if she complains? She stomps all over yours.
NTA, snd as you suspect I think your message won’t be heard. So when your aunt shows up with uninvited guests politely and firmly reiterate you can’t accommodate them. Turn them away. Trust me she won’t do it again.
If your aunt shows up uninvited, someone is telling her about your dinner parties. You need to find that person and tell them to stop it.
NTA if your aunt wants to be able to invite whomever she wants, she should be the one hosting. My partner’s family hosts on rotation. That way no one person has to be constantly dealing with all the work that comes with hosting. Just a thought.
I think NTA for having a cover charge where everyone should contribute. It takes a lot of money to feed a large group of people and I think it should always be expected that other contribute to help cover costs if they are going to partake in the product.
I do think starting this on April Fools day will potentially cause some additional backlash, so it could be worth biting your tongue for just one more event and implementing the policy at the next one.
I would also recommend, if possible, making it very awkward for aunt and guests. Some ideas:
• Have a table set specifically for the predicted number of people. “Oh, I’m so sorry, we had no idea ‘aunt’ was bringing additional guests; she didn’t notify anyone. I hate to be forced to make this awkward, but if you don’t mind eating on the couch/porch/kitchen table alone, we would still be glad to share with you.”
• Have plates proportioned and when the additional guest show up, take the one plate meant for aunt and split it according to how many additional guests she brought, all the while emphasizing how you were given no notice to properly prepare additional portions for extra guests. Or just don’t offer a pleat to the guests at all.
• When serving the uninvited guests, serve them on some paper plates or something that totally clashes with the other dishes, making it very obvious they weren’t part of the original plan.
• Maybe offer the unannounced guests a totally different meal option. “I’m so sorry, we were only expecting a certain number of people, but I have some chicken nuggets in the freezer or some leftover spaghetti from last night. I will gladly heat that up for you.”
• Play the victim all night, acting so distraught about how you are an inadequate hostess for not being prepared for every situation, “I should have made extra just in case, I’m so sorry.” “I should keep extra folding chairs for when unexpected guests arrive” “No, I’ll stand, you sit. I couldn’t possibly expect guests in my house to stand while eating.” “No, please have my portion, I should have prepared more.” Really, anything that highlights what an inconvenience the aunt’s inconsiderate addition is.
• When they arrive, tell the aunt in front of her guests that you only planned for a certain number of people and if she would like to sacrifice her spot, one guest can stay.
Finally, there is always the obvious, but for many people the most uncomfortable option. Simply, yet politely, tell the guests that they were not invited and must leave. If it’s your house, you never have to let anyone in that you didn’t invite.
You should have not accepted the “family is spontaneous” line. When you are hosting that is fine. But my house, my food, my rules.
For the $10/head, I’d send an email saying you just wanted to reiterate that you would like $10/head to help cover the ever rising costs.
And as you don’t want anyone being surprised or caught unaware that even though it does land on April 1st, this is no kind of prank.
Thanks, can’t wait to see you all and catch up.
YTA. Rise above her bad manners and be a better host by preparing 3 extra portions. Have cheap fillers like potato, rice, pasta. Ask her to bring a dish or salad or bread or dessert if she brings guests to help you stretch out portions.