I thought life would get better without addiction. And maybe it does, for most people. But that wasn’t the case for me.
So I gave it everything, hoping it would lead somewhere. I joined communities, learned about addiction, started journaling, practiced mindfulness. Overcoming addiction became the purpose itself. It felt good honestly. I felt alive despite ups and lows.
And over the past five years, every addiction I had slowly lost its grip. Porn, drugs, weed, gaming… all of it just faded away.
How great, right?
Except what’s left is the thing that was hiding underneath the entire time and it’s suicidal ideation and trauma from childhood.
Now, nothing quiets it. I didn’t even realize I had no will to live to begin with. It’s exactly why addiction was there for me in the first place.
Ironically, I was at my happiest when I was deep in addiction. Not because they were good, but because they gave me a fake sense of purpose and joy. For someone like me who had nothing else, it was a reason to wake up everyday.
Now I don’t even want those things. They don’t bring joy, not even temptation. Porn looks empty and gross. Drugs feel like poison. Gaming feels like the same loop on repeat. Life fucking sucks. Do I have anhedonia? Maybe, idk.
They lost its magic. And honestly, it hurts. They were illusions, but at least they gave me something to hold onto. They were fucking something. Now there’s nothing. And the suicidal ideation show up the second I open my eyes.
It’s funny when suicide becomes an option your mind tosses around randomly.
My brain casually goes “Pancakes or getting hit by a train or Sandwiches for this morning?”Like it’s a normal choice to start the day with.
I guess I need something to cling to again. Some kind of addiction or purpose that gives me a reason to wake up each day even if it’s unhealthy or stupid.
I once convinced myself to live for my muscles, and for a while, it worked. But after I broke my right elbow, that motivation just kind of faded. I’m not sure if I can bring that passion back. I want to.
I still enjoy lifting, but it’s kind of turned into a healthier form of self harm. Maybe I’m chasing endorphins or something.
Any suggestions? The stupider the better ((:
TL;DR: Finally overcame all my addictions. Now I just want to die.
*I’m not on the verge of anything, so no worries. This is just my baseline.
Comments
go skydiving, i heard it can be addictive. plus you may die, which you might see as a bonus.
What are you doing about the childhood trauma? Therapy? EMDR?
You’re clearly someone who needs a goal. You said yourself that it felt good to be overcoming addiction because you were working whole heartedly towards a purpose. You’ve already done the hardest work of your life, the rest from now is easy.
You don’t need an addiction, you need to achieve things. Set a goal for yourself that looks like fun. Maybe you want to climb a tall mountain, maybe you want to build a homeless shelter in your community. Maybe you want to learn to play jazz. Finish a marathon in the first 50. Write a successful book. Learn a different profession. For someone with your dedication and commitment there is no end to what you can do. Pick. A. Goal. And when you achieve it pick another one
Learn to enjoy the little things. I, for one, quite enjoy watching nice trees and birds.
Get into the trades. Build things for people that need it and be affordable since you don’t give a fuck about your own life.
I wanna start with the usual: You should talk to a professional regarding your suicidal tendencies. Sounds dry, but it should be the first thing you try. Maybe your problems fade while speaking to them.
My personal advice regarding your life’s emptiness: Find yourself a hobby and strive to get better at it. Some hobbies make setting incremental goals easy, e.g. when your hobby is bouldering, and you’re just starting out, set your goal to be a yellow trail. Then a blue trail, then a black trail (or whatever the system in your hall is). If you get to the top, you see that you can go all in on the hobby, and you’ll probably also form some relationships along the way.
My only hobby used to be gaming, and when I stopped with that i started trying out basically everything I could find. Working out, Skateboarding, wake boarding, climbing. What eventually stuck was music. I started doing vocals, now in a band. Currently I’m learning to play the guitar. Things I always thought were something you needed “talent” for, which I always thought i simply didn’t have. but by kneeling into it for a few weeks I noticed I (and imo everyone else) can do them.
Other things I straight up didn’t know existed, like foosball clubs, which is insanely fun btw. There’s a lot more to it than you think. That probably goes for anything you’re going to stumble across.
Hope you find your way, and good luck!
Maybe, just maybe, the fact that you are so goal-driven is part of the problem. My life-changing moment came when I wrote a poem about pursuing goals which included the lines:
> Maybe I’ve got to find a way
to sit down where I am,
soaking up the evening sun
and watching the fools and wisemen rush by
searching for peace.
I read that back and decided it was true. My life has been better ever since.