So for context I am a 5’11 cis woman with a small chest and broad shoulders. I dress semi feminine most of the time.
Recently a rumor at work has been brought to my attention, someone has been saying I’m trans and got bottom surgery. I got a manager involved and will most likely be going to hr about this but it makes me very insecure in my femininity. For most of my life I’ve been made fun of for my smaller chest (Mostly by female family members as larger breasts run in the family.) and larger frame. Things like this have happened semi frequently and I’ve had coworkers and customers ask me straight up if I’m trans on multiple occasions. To which I usually say no and move on.
Is it wrong to feel bad about this? I am 100% supportive of trans rights but people constantly thinking I am trans makes me not only upset but makes me worry for my safety (I live in a semi conservative area)
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Hot take:
As a cis woman, you probably enjoy gender euphoria. Times when you catch yourself looking very femme and think “yeah, that’s nice.” Trans people also get that! Cis men also get that!
So it’s okay to feel bad when you get mistaken for AMAB, because that would make you feel gender dysphoria, the same way getting misgendered does. If you were mistaken for a cis man, you would probably feel a very similar kind of bad.
It’s also normal to feel bad about it for the same reason that we would all feel bad if our coworkers were like “hey, got any surgeries on your genitals recently? I feel like it’s my business to ask and your business to tell me. This is what I’m going to spend our shared time together on.”
That’s a thing that makes people feel bad. It doesn’t come from a place of caring (like “hey Bob heard you had to get circumcised for paraphimosis. How’s your recovery going?” or “hey Alice, congrats on the baby! I loved my pelvic floor physical therapist, do you need a recommendation?”… which are still, like, not HR’s favorite subjects for any of us to talk about!) and so it’s extra invasive.
Does it help untangle it for you to call it “mistaken for AMAB” instead of “mistaken for trans?”
I’m so sorry this is happening to you – FFS when will people ever learn that someone else’s body is none of their business! This is appalling behaviour – rude, provocative, inappropriate, and completely fucked up. Idiot bullies. Whatever you look like you don’t need to defend or explain – whether that’s weight, gender, muscles, hair, skin tone, health, able-bodied, medical apparatus…mind your own friggin business. You get to decide who you are. No one else.
You feel bad because you’re being targeted by assholes. I’m so sorry.
It doesn’t matter if you are trans or not, it’s sexual harassment and you need to get HR involved immediately.
I get mistaken for a trans woman, probably more often than I think. Tall, deeper voice, and especially the last few years I just don’t really give that much of a shit about my appearance.
I have always loved being invisible because well, people don’t bother you as much if you don’t look like much.
I was looking forward to getting old because I’ve heard that once you hit a certain age that invisibility continues to increase.
But in the last few years there’s been this increased awareness of trans women, and moreso people constantly thinking they can “spot them.” People seem to think that trans people are so prevalent that you can spot at least 2 or 3 in a single grocery trip if you look hard enough.
It seems my plans of being invisible have oddly enough backfired now that the scrutiny is dialed up so high.
It does bug me for being mistaken sometimes. In a way, I used to think that by letting people think I was trans I was actually being rude to people who are.
But now it bugs me because it’s clear most times people ask it’s meant as a pejorative. It’s meant to be an insult. When being misidentified it’s really meant to tell you that you’re ugly, you don’t fit in, you aren’t working hard enough, and you’re not even a woman because now you’re just disgusting.
There’s a lot more to it than that obviously. But for me it’s not a matter of feeling any kind of way about trans people. It’s that I know most people identifying me as trans have already turned me into some ‘other’ in their minds.
Lady Gaga consistently refuses to deny rumours she’s trans, which, really is peak ally. Worries about safety is understandable. But thinking it makes you less feminine… Eeeeh.
Would you go to HR if people “accused” you of being lesbian?
No. I don’t think that it’s wrong to feel bad. It’s not wrong to feel bad that people are talking about whether or not you’ve had surgery behind your back, that’s a nasty thing for people to do. Also considering that you live in a conservative area, you probably know all too well how they feel about trans women and that means that, in a way, they are misgendering you. If someone politely came up to you and asked you what your preferred pronouns were, how would that make you feel? Would it be different? Oh or what if they were speculating if you’d had a boob job or other plastic surgery, with no implications about possibly being trans.
It’s good to think about unconscious biases, but I think a lot of why this feels bad is just because it is a bad thing for them to do to you. I’m sorry.
In the form OP describes it – no it is not bad in my opinion and is very understandable.
What OP is experiencing is others undermining her femininity, because she doesn’t have the close to median traits that say “woman”. The shorthand for that currently are trans women because we are in the spotlight but no doubt 100 years ago it would have been something else. It sounds like OP has a strong sense of gender identity as a woman so that clash between how OP internally feels who she is and what society perceives is distressing, especially because as humans we can internalise that societal pressure and feel bad about our own bodies. Over and above the very real safety concerns that OP rightly has given the context of where she lives and the current climate.
That is very similar to the gender dysphoria that trans women often experience for feeling invalidated in their femininity by society (which is often also negatively internalised). So they would often be the first to sympathise. Ideally one might say “no I am not transgender, but why would it matter if I was?” (the Lady Gaga approach) but realistically that might not be prudent for OP so just sticking to a neutral statement of fact in the context of it being a practical external issue might be wise.
I mean, lots of trans women don’t like being called out as trans women, and prefer quiet passing to public self outing.
That being said its complicated. Should you feel bad about people mistaking you for a trans-women? In an ideal world no. Also in an ideal world you people wouldn’t have mocked you for your small chest and large frame, but here we are.
You know that when some people say trans-women they mean not-women, and so you are responding to a an intended attack on your femininity, while also knowing that the attack is invalid but knowing the other person doesn’t care.
>Is it wrong to feel bad about this?
Absolutely not. Having your identity mistaken can be frustrating. The rumors about your genitalia are INSANE and I would hope there are serious consequences for the people discussing that aspect of your life at work.
> Is it wrong to feel bad about this?
No, you’re not wrong to think this way. (Please be careful not to respond to these rumors in a way that disparages trans women.)
I’m transfem and long to be seen as a woman. I totally get why you’d feel uncomfortable with someone doubts your gender. 🧡
What you’re experiencing is transphobia and misogyny, you have every right to feel bad. It’s just got an extra layer for you to deal with because you aren’t trans. This is not your fault, this is the fault of every piece of media, celebrity, or politician who does not enthusiastically support trans people.
Hey, I’m a trans woman. I think it’s reasonable to be upset about this. What you’re experiencing is textbook sexual harassment, justified by the idea that it’s okay if they think you’re trans because trans people are less than. At best, it’s creating a hostile workplace environment for them to be speculating on the status of your genitals. At worst, it’s a not so veiled threat, considering the political situation for trans people right now.
I think you might have a bit of unconscious transphobia in your reaction – trans women aren’t inherently less feminine, so someone saying they think you’re trans has very little to do with whether you’re feminine. But that’s just sort of the background transphobia that’s inherent to society right now, not some moral failing on your part.
But no, these people are targeting you for sexual harassment in exactly the same way they’d target me, so it’s very understandable to feel hurt and unsafe.
I would like you to ask:
“you have never met women who don’t have large breasts?”
“Are you trans : prove it. “
“Why is it important to you?”
Instead of being defensive, be curious if you are comfortable.
you as a cis woman can get other cis people to doubt their ability to identify trans people.
Whoever started this rumor owes you a massive apology, and needs to really rethink their life choices.
Sorry this is happening to you.
Go to a lawyer before you go to HR. You need someone on your side, and your lawyer is it. Employment lawyer, or a human rights lawyer.
HR is there to protect the company. If the easiest way forward is to squash you, you will be out of a job. Make that the hard way forward by having a lawyer on your side.
The reason you’re feeling bad is not really because of being mistaken as trans, but what that means when someone says it. In your case, what they are saying is that you look more “masculine”. You would likely have the same reaction if someone just straight up said you look masculine. The same way a masculine presenting person would feel bad if they were told they look feminine.
What it DOESN’T mean is that you feeling bad about it = you subconsciously think being trans a bad thing.
Things I don’t do at work: speculate about others’ gender or sexual preferences. Take office supplies home.
Things I do: sometimes I print personal stuff at work like my driver’s license application docs
You’re not wrong to feel bad at all. This is why we’re all constantly saying that transphobia hurts women. Trans rights are women’s rights. Hating trans people is mostly an excuse to beat on women for not being “hyper female” enough. I never hear anyone ask a man if he’s a trans man. If a man is too “feminine” he’s mocked as “gay”.
I’m not very feminine either and I’m covered in hair and my stepmom said that body hair is a sign of masculinity not ten seconds after I told her I shave from nipple to toe. Gee, thanks, mom, for making me feel even less feminine.
Honestly I think this is a big reason why so many AFAB people are identifying as nonbinary. Some have even told me such. “Well I don’t like makeup, don’t want to shave, but I also don’t like being called a he”. Yeah and society tells us we’re not the right kind of woman, so, guess we’re not in the binary.
And then transphobes get mad about enbies. Make. Up. Your. Mind.
I think it’s normal to feel bad about workplace bullying and transvestigations.
I feel you. I’m 5’11”. It’s never been an issue until the last few years brought about all that trans business, and now I’m suddenly getting weird looks in the restroom, and some random idiot in a park even asked me out loud “Are you a man?”
Fuck them. Like what, can’t a woman be tall anymore?!
If anyone ever said it again to my face, I’d tell them that trans women dress way more feminine than me.
If someone asked if I were trans, I would just ask them:
“Are you?”
If they got offended, I’d ask why they think it’s ok to ask an offensive question of me, but not ok for me to ask the same thing of them?