So for context, I’ve been with my boyfriend (m21) for almost 2 months, so it’s still very fresh. We’ll call him Michael. I met him through my best friend Mia(f21). Michael’s best friend is Mia’s ex boyfriend, but they broke up on mutual terms and are still cool. Mia and Michael were somewhat good friends before she introduced me to Michael. Him and I both were fresh out of long term relationships when we first met, so we hung out and went on dates for awhile getting to know each other before getting into an official relationship.
Michael and his ex, Sally, were together for 6 years, I was with my ex for 2 and a half. Sally broke up with him because she allegedly wanted to “find herself” and that she was “working too much”. From what I’ve heard from our mutual friends, Michael was pretty devastated and tried to offer solutions to keep the relationship going, but Sally didn’t budge, so they broke up.
Fast forward to now, Michael and I have been very happy, we’re both very social and we’re part of the same friend group. Mia and Sally were decent friends in early highschool, but they stopped hanging out because Sally was not a good friend to Mia and would always blow her off or ignore her. Mia and I hangout at least once a week or more and usually call each other at least once a day, so we’re very close.
2 nights ago, Michael gets a call from Mia around 10pm saying that he needs to meet with her one on one to talk about something ‘urgent’. She clearly stated that she didn’t want me to be there and that I couldn’t be part of the conversation. She wanted to meet him the next day but Michael didn’t want to sleep wondering what she had to tell him, so we met her 20 minutes away in a grocery store parking lot around 11pm. The whole thing had me feeling uncomfortable, as Mia is my best friend, and Michael is my boyfriend, but Mia purposefully excluded me from the conversation.
Before we got there, Mia was on the phone beating around the bush about what she ‘needed’ to tell him and I got frustrated and told her it’s really weird that she wanted to meet up with my boyfriend to talk to him one on one without me and if the roles were switched around, she would be feeling the same way. She told me before we got there what it was about, stating that she went out to lunch weeks ago with Michaels ex girlfriend, and that his ex told Mia that she was cheating on Michael for the last month of their relationship, and is now dating the guy she cheated with. I asked her why she even went to lunch with her when they’re not friends, and what purpose this information served besides to hurt Michael and add salt to old wounds. Mia claimed she felt guilty that she knew this info and needed to get it off her chest, but I still couldn’t be part of the conversation in person.
When we got to the meeting spot, Michael got out of the car and got into Mia’s car and they talked for about 20 minutes. We were parked side by side but I couldn’t see Michael from where I was at, only Mia. When Michael got back into the car, he had tears in his eyes and seemed upset. I asked him how it went, and he said “you know” and paused for awhile and then said “what a terrible human being.” Mia got to drive away with a cleared conscious while I was left to deal with damage control.
I’m posting this here on reddit, because I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong for feeling like Mia shouldn’t have been the person to break this news, nor go out with Sally to lunch in the first place because she’s so close with me. And I’m also a little upset with Michael for not telling Mia to suck it up and if she can’t say it to both of us then they probably shouldn’t be having that conversation. I honestly feel like Mia was just bored and wanted something to gossip about so she went out to lunch with Sally, and then felt guilty about the info she found out. But she held it in for weeks, all while hanging out with Michael and I quite frequently, but said nothing all those times. I know Mia likes to gossip a little bit, but I never took her for someone who would go out with her best friend’s boyfriend’s ex for absolutely no reason. So, in conclusion I’m now left questioning my friendship with Mia, and also questioning if Michael is even fully over his ex or not. I haven’t talked to either of them about this yet, so any advice or insight is appreciated.
EDIT: I feel like I left out a couple details, so I wanted to clear up that the only reason I went with Michael was because we were already running by a store when Mia called him, and Michael decided we would just go meet up with her and that it would be weird to completely go by himself. I also have no issue whatsoever with Michael finding out this information or being upset about it, as I feel like it’s important so he can reevaluate the relationship with Sally and know the truth about the breakup. My issue with how Mia handled this was that she talks shit quite frequently on Sally to Michael and I. Also, Michael and I hadn’t posted each other on any social media for the first month of our relationship, so when Mia and Sally went out to lunch, Mia didn’t tell Sally him and I were together. About a week after their lunch, Michael posted a picture of us and Sally saw it, and called Mia angry and upset that Michael moved on so quickly even though she was the one who left him. Mia told me about this and said it was weird that Sally decided to call her about it knowing Mia and I were best friends and the fact her and Sally weren’t friends at all and never talk.
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Backup of the post’s body: So for context, I’ve been with my boyfriend (m21) for almost 2 months, so it’s still very fresh. We’ll call him Michael. I met him through my best friend Mia(f21). Michael’s best friend is Mia’s ex boyfriend, but they broke up on mutual terms and are still cool. Mia and Michael were somewhat good friends before she introduced me to Michael. Him and I both were fresh out of long term relationships when we first met, so we hung out and went on dates for awhile getting to know each other before getting into an official relationship.
Michael and his ex, Sally, were together for 6 years, I was with my ex for 2 and a half. Sally broke up with him because she allegedly wanted to “find herself” and that she was “working too much”. From what I’ve heard from our mutual friends, Michael was pretty devastated and tried to offer solutions to keep the relationship going, but Sally didn’t budge, so they broke up.
Fast forward to now, Michael and I have been very happy, we’re both very social and we’re part of the same friend group. Mia and Sally were decent friends in early highschool, but they stopped hanging out because Sally was not a good friend to Mia and would always blow her off or ignore her. Mia and I hangout at least once a week or more and usually call each other at least once a day, so we’re very close.
2 nights ago, Michael gets a call from Mia around 10pm saying that he needs to meet with her one on one to talk about something ‘urgent’. She clearly stated that she didn’t want me to be there and that I couldn’t be part of the conversation. She wanted to meet him the next day but Michael didn’t want to sleep wondering what she had to tell him, so we met her 20 minutes away in a grocery store parking lot around 11pm. The whole thing had me feeling uncomfortable, as Mia is my best friend, and Michael is my boyfriend, but Mia purposefully excluded me from the conversation.
Before we got there, Mia was on the phone beating around the bush about what she ‘needed’ to tell him and I got frustrated and told her it’s really weird that she wanted to meet up with my boyfriend to talk to him one on one without me and if the roles were switched around, she would be feeling the same way. She told me before we got there what it was about, stating that she went out to lunch weeks ago with Michaels ex girlfriend, and that his ex told Mia that she was cheating on Michael for the last month of their relationship, and is now dating the guy she cheated with. I asked her why she even went to lunch with her when they’re not friends, and what purpose this information served besides to hurt Michael and add salt to old wounds. Mia claimed she felt guilty that she knew this info and needed to get it off her chest, but I still couldn’t be part of the conversation in person.
When we got to the meeting spot, Michael got out of the car and got into Mia’s car and they talked for about 20 minutes. We were parked side by side but I couldn’t see Michael from where I was at, only Mia. When Michael got back into the car, he had tears in his eyes and seemed upset. I asked him how it went, and he said “you know” and paused for awhile and then said “what a terrible human being.” Mia got to drive away with a cleared conscious while I was left to deal with damage control.
I’m posting this here on reddit, because I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong for feeling like Mia shouldn’t have been the person to break this news, nor go out with Sally to lunch in the first place because she’s so close with me. And I’m also a little upset with Michael for not telling Mia to suck it up and if she can’t say it to both of us then they probably shouldn’t be having that conversation. I honestly feel like Mia was just bored and wanted something to gossip about so she went out to lunch with Sally, and then felt guilty about the info she found out. But she held it in for weeks, all while hanging out with Michael and I quite frequently, but said nothing all those times. I know Mia likes to gossip a little bit, but I never took her for someone who would go out with her best friend’s boyfriend’s ex for absolutely no reason. So, in conclusion I’m now left questioning my friendship with Mia, and also questioning if Michael is even fully over his ex or not. I haven’t talked to either of them about this yet, so any advice or insight is appreciated.
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You have a right to feel weird about it all. She just wanted to gossip and have drama. The best thing you can do is be there for your bf and handle the situation. Maybe distance yourself from her as well to help. She had no right to exclude from tbe conversation either and he should have said he wanted you there but I can understand why he didn’t.
Mia is a drama llama. The only point of that whole exercise, outside of making poor Michael feel badly, was to draw attention to herself. She knew this for weeks but suddenly had to call him late at night? Are you sure she isn’t into him? Either way there’s something off here. I’d start keeping a little distance from Mia.
…Mia likes to stir the pot, Michael is a sad golden retriever, & honestly… drop her, move on. She isn’t exhibiting friend behavior.
If he lets this become “a thing,” drop him, too. You’re too young for anything life-altering-ly serious, & you’re too old to be playing this childish shit.
Mia and Sally are conspiring to get Michael back with Sally because Sally has realized the mistake she made.
So I don’t have a problem with Mia having lunch with Sally. They’re old friends who have had a falling out, no big deal, those people reconnect. Not about you or Michael.
I don’t have a huge problem with Mia deciding that this information is something Michael deserves to know. I don’t know if I agree with her – but if you asked this question “Should I tell my friend that his ex cheated on him near the of their relationship” the overwhelming number of people will say yes. I’m not sure I agree with that consensus, but it’s certainly a reasonable position that a lot of people believe in: that Michael deserves to know what his ex did during their relationship.
I don’t even have a problem with Mia excluding you from the conversation with Michael. He’s going to have an emotional reaction, it’s going to bring up a lot of weird feelings related to his ex, and it’s understandable that he might not want you to see him all up in confusing feelings about an ex. She has to make an educated guess about what’s best for Michael there, and I actually think that is a smart and sensible thing for her to do, if she’s going to tell him. Let him get his emotional reaction out of the way not in front of you.
But that didn’t end up happening because of the terrible way she brought up this information. Presenting it with urgency, delivering it in a way that is going to completely undercut the reason for not having you there when she tells him, etc. I think she really fucked up telling him something that it was probably reasonable for her to tell him. Giving it to him in one car while you wait in the other (and honestly, she said she needs to talk to him, what were you even doing in the car with him, that’s weird, too) undercut her reasons.
I do think it’s odd that Mia waited a week and then it was suddenly urgent. I think there might be reasons for that (e.g., she wasn’t sure if she was going to tell him, but once she decided it didn’t feel right to sit on it) but it still was handled poorly.
But you can’t act like Mia going to lunch with Sally is some affront to you. They used to be close friends. You’re not the main character in that relationship. And you seem to be framing her desire to tell Michael without you in the room negatively as opposed to as a fumbled attempt at kindness.
A good rule of thumb for life is that when you’re going to tell someone something they’re going to have a negative emotional reaction to, you do so in front of as few people as possible so they can work through potentially embarrassing emotions in private. Mia fucked that part of this up, but if that was her intention, it was a good and reasonable one.
This is stupid. Everybody should mind their own business.
Mia sucks, but I wouldn’t be too hard on Michael. There’s not a set expiration date for feeling badly about finding out you were cheated on.
Tell mia to stop talking to sally or just cut both of them
I don’t think it’s a big deal. Personally I would absolutely want to know if my ex cheated on me. I would hate looking back at a jumble of lies with fond/sad ignorance so I’m not faulting Mia for spilling the beans. Admittedly though it is kind of weird to be like OMG this is so urgent in the middle of the night. Unless this is a shroom fueled revelation that was just poor execution on Mia’s part.
How is it any of Mia’s business what Sally did or did not do during her and Michael’s relationship? What was the need for her to talk to him privately when it could’ve been said in front of you? Mia needs to worry about herself and stop putting her nose in other people’s business. Yeah, it’s great that Michael found out but that relationship is over and done with. He’s with YOU. My question would’ve been — what is MIA’s business in all of this?
There was absolutely no reason to tell him what she did. That was done purely to clear HER conscious of knowing this dirty little secret.
What other times has she stirred the pot like this?
I bet you $100 this is what happened: Mia originally had no intention of telling Michael, but being a gossip she blabbed to someone and then panicked and wanted to make sure Michael heard it from her before he heard it from someone else who would say Mia was the source of the info. Ask her who else she has told about this. That person may have threatened to tell Michael if she doesn’t.
Never tell her anything you don’t want everyone to know.
this is way too much for just 2 months in, not worth it.
Am I misunderstanding, or did Mia tell you before she told Michael? Why didn’t you just take all the air out of her drama and tell him, kindly and sympathetically, yourself?
The thing is, I think most of us would want to know the truth, but Mia made it about herself and her conscience, not about Michael and his feelings and needs.
But she also really, really made it about the drama, saying it was urgent, putting you in the middle by telling you, excluding you from her conversation with him.
Granted Mia isn’t here to defend herself, but she really comes off as off as a shallow, self-centered pot stirrer in this post. Maybe think about whether she’s your best friend or just the friend you see most often.
I think it’s fine that she had lunch with Sally, who is an old friend of hers that she quarreled with. People give each other second chances all the time. I do think it’s odd that they’re not close at all but Sally just spontaneously confessed to cheating, but that’s on Sally. The fact that Mia didn’t tell her Michael is in a relationship now feels kind of off to me under the circumstances, though.
And it’s weird that she’s reporting that Sally, who moved on first, is upset that Michael moved on so quickly, when you say you and he actually took your time before getting involved. Something doesn’t add up. Are you 100% sure that you can trust that what Mia tells you is true and not at all embellished or overly interpreted?
Ah. College-age drama.
Mia wants attention. Or a ride on “Mike Jr” or both. Keep your distance.
Sally cheated and is now angry she can’t keep Mike on the back burner. Entitled piece of female flotsam. Block her on everything and move on.
Moving on here means both of you need to get tested for STD’s. You don’t know who Sally cheated with and what they were carrying. Hope you’re on birth control and Mike’s been wrapping up before sex.
Mia is low key trying to break you guys up by playing mental warfare with this guys head. She dropped a bomb that she knew would hurt him and planted a seed in your relationship that will cause problems between you two. She’s probably worried about losing her best friend to your boyfriend.