When I say this story is messy, I mean messy. It’s been bothering me so deeply that I need to get it off my chest — and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I feel like I’m going crazy.
Years ago, my dad married a woman who had recently and moved to our country for work. To marry my dad, she converted to our religion and adopted a more culturally “acceptable” name. They had a daughter together (my younger half-sister), but sadly, stepmom passed away when the kid was two (this was almost three years ago).
I should mention that changing names is not a religious choice, it’s a cultural one, and my dad’s family just want her to be like them, and not have to tell people where she’s from etc. they buy her clothes for example, but don’t bother interacting with her beyond pleasantries; at gatherings (typically once a week or more) they speak in their native tongue even though she doesn’t understand it. Our language is one of the most difficult to learn for non speakers.
Three months later, my dad married her sister — who also converted and adopted a new, “more appropriate” name (again, at his family’s insistence). He basically made her change her identity to marry him. At the time, he told our whole family — in front of her — that she was jealous of her deceased sister because he “loved her more,” and he would regularly compare the two. I remember sitting there, cringing, feeling deeply uncomfortable. But I stayed quiet.
I’ve continued to stay quiet for years. I tried to stay out of the twisted dynamic between them, out of loyalty to my little sister and for the sake of peace. But now, my stepmom is pregnant — and my dad just announced that they’re naming the baby after his dead wife (her sister), without even consulting her. He decided this the moment they found out it was a girl.
When my stepmom told me, she seemed sad, almost defeated. She said it in a quiet, resigned tone, like she knew there was nothing she could do. It broke my heart. She’s a good person — isolated, unsupported, and emotionally manipulated. She has no job, no family or friends here, no driver’s license, and no real power in the relationship. And yet when I brought this up to my aunt (my dad’s sister), she brushed it off, saying, “Well, your stepmom has a strong personality, she would speak up if she didn’t want this.” As if “personality” matters when you’re living with someone emotionally controlling who holds all the cards.
This whole situation is disturbing on so many levels:
• He’s naming his baby daughter after his dead wife — also the sister of the woman carrying his child.
• The name isn’t even her real birth name; it was adopted during conversion, so it’s not like it has family legacy value.
• My little sister is now going to have a sister with the same name as her mom.
• My stepmom doesn’t seem okay with it, but no one seems to care or ask her.
• It feels like my dad is still obsessed with his first wife and sees his current one as nothing but a placeholder.
• And worst of all: this baby girl is being born into a role that’s not even hers — someone else’s memory.
I want to say something before it’s too late. I want to advocate for my stepmom, for the baby, for our family’s collective sanity. But I don’t know how to confront this without causing drama — or getting shut down completely.
My father is narcissistic and selfish, in case that wasn’t clear, so I know I can’t be too forthright, I need to be smart and careful about what I say to either of them.
Am I overreacting? Or is this as messed up as it feels?