Last week, my mom visited for a few days. Hosting her drained me, and by Friday, I was mentally exhausted. My girlfriend and I had plans that night, but I asked if she could come over Saturday instead—I needed a night to rest and reset.
Instead of understanding, she got passive-aggressive and went silent. That frustrated me. I wasn’t rejecting her—I just needed some time to breathe.
Then came another issue. Her sister wanted to use my Lenskart membership and cashback to buy glasses. I said no, because I had been saving it for my own eye checkup and lenses—something I’d mentioned before. Once again, I got passive-aggression and silent treatment.
At that point, I snapped. I told her she was acting like a red flag and said she was impossible to deal with. Not my proudest moment—I later apologized. But the focus immediately shifted to how I reacted, not why I was frustrated in the first place.
Saturday morning, she asked again if she should come over. I said yes—but only if we could talk and resolve things first. That triggered another argument. She came anyway, things were calm for a bit, but Sunday it blew up again. She became distant. I didn’t lash out—I just sat by myself and played games to cool off.
She began crying and yelling, saying I didn’t care. Again, the focus became:
• Why did I call her a red flag?
• Why was I rude?
No one asked: why did I feel pushed to that point?
I explained:
“Mental exhaustion doesn’t care about timing. If you had come on Friday, I might’ve been cold or irritated. Would that have been better?”
Her response: she doesn’t understand the idea of me-time or mental burnout. That hit hard.
Then she brought up the cashback again and said even her family didn’t understand why I said no. That broke me. I’ve done so much for her and her family—helped without ever keeping score. But one “no,” and it’s like all of that vanished. I felt judged for drawing a simple boundary.
I apologized again, but she doubted it. And once more, my actual needs were ignored. The fight ended with me apologizing—while everything that led up to it was brushed aside.
I’m just tired. It feels like I’m expected to give, support, show up—and if I ever pause or say no, I’m selfish. I don’t want to feel this invisible anymore.
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Last week, my mom visited for a few days. Hosting her drained me, and by Friday, I was mentally exhausted. My girlfriend and I had plans that night, but I asked if she could come over Saturday instead—I needed a night to rest and reset.
Instead of understanding, she got passive-aggressive and went silent. That frustrated me. I wasn’t rejecting her—I just needed some time to breathe.
Then came another issue. Her sister wanted to use my Lenskart membership and cashback to buy glasses. I said no, because I had been saving it for my own eye checkup and lenses—something I’d mentioned before. Once again, I got passive-aggression and silent treatment.
At that point, I snapped. I told her she was acting like a red flag and said she was impossible to deal with. Not my proudest moment—I later apologized. But the focus immediately shifted to how I reacted, not why I was frustrated in the first place.
Saturday morning, she asked again if she should come over. I said yes—but only if we could talk and resolve things first. That triggered another argument. She came anyway, things were calm for a bit, but Sunday it blew up again. She became distant. I didn’t lash out—I just sat by myself and played games to cool off.
She began crying and yelling, saying I didn’t care. Again, the focus became:
• Why did I call her a red flag?
• Why was I rude?
No one asked: why did I feel pushed to that point?
I explained:
“Mental exhaustion doesn’t care about timing. If you had come on Friday, I might’ve been cold or irritated. Would that have been better?”
Her response: she doesn’t understand the idea of me-time or mental burnout. That hit hard.
Then she brought up the cashback again and said even her family didn’t understand why I said no. That broke me. I’ve done so much for her and her family—helped without ever keeping score. But one “no,” and it’s like all of that vanished. I felt judged for drawing a simple boundary.
I apologized again, but she doubted it. And once more, my actual needs were ignored. The fight ended with me apologizing—while everything that led up to it was brushed aside.
I’m just tired. It feels like I’m expected to give, support, show up—and if I ever pause or say no, I’m selfish. I don’t want to feel this invisible anymore.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
It is a red flag. Anytime you say something that displeases her, she gives you the silent treatment or passive aggressiveness. Could you see a future with someone where you have to cater your every decision to if it’ll upset her into silence?
You’re being used by your GF and her family and when you push back you get gaslighted. NTA but you need to leave this mess.
“I’ve done so much for her and her family—helped without ever keeping score.”
This is where you messed up. You established yourself as a doormat.
NTA.
You already spotted the red flag so now listen to it.
NTA from this context. Does she not also see your family when they are in town? Had she not seen you for a long time?
It sounds like she has issues empathizing with others. Sounds like she likely missed you and can’t understand how you wouldn’t wanna see her when she wants to see you.
Are you guys younger? Or is she? This is fairly immature not to understand needing down time.
NTA
NTA. This relationship sounds super unhealthy. Granted, this is only a snippet of the whole thing. But something to consider
Sounds like you’re being used… probably should end the relationship.
“glasses. I said no, because I had been saving it for my own eye checkup and lenses—something I’d mentioned before. Once again, I got passive-aggression and silent treatment” why is she being passive aggressive and giving you the silent treatment over this??? Your eye checkup is something important and something you need to have done. Her parents can pay for her sister, thats THEIR child.💀💀💀
Do you want this to be your life?
You guys aren’t compatible and she needs to grow up and learn compassion. Not everything is about her.
> Her response: she doesn’t understand the idea of me-time or mental burnout. That hit hard.
Well, she doesn’t understand it when SHE is the one being asked to accommodate YOU.
That was just a self-serving answer, and you both know it.
YTA for not listening to your gut when you were courting this woman. I swear some people let a pretty face completely override their judgement.
Well OP – you’re in a pickle.
If you have enough gas in the tank for one more strategy why not try to match her energy?
She’s ‘reacting’ to your reaction to her emotional immaturity. Stop reacting in a predictable way that she’s learned to use to her advantage.
Stop being a ‘guy’ and raising your voice/demonstrating aggression – start playing her game. Perhaps being subjected to passive aggressive comments and smoldering silence will open her eyes.
Otherwise I’d say you know what you need to do – just seems you can’t/won’t.
That you apologized has likely only emboldened her.
I sympathize – have an ex that was similar to this … loved her like no other but the constant tension & diminishment was taking a toll on my health.
Good luck.
NTA run
I thought relationship posts were not allowed here?
NTA. You’re still being treated like a doormat and yet she still doesn’t understand how you feel or why you feel that way. This relationship is a waste of time. Two people who are incapable of understand each others feelings shouldn’t be in a relationship.
NTA. Society loves to expect everything from men while dismissing their reasoning every time they have an emotional reaction. Find someone who actually cares about you.