When I say this story is messy, I mean messy. It’s been bothering me so deeply that I need to get it off my chest — and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I feel like I’m going crazy.
Years ago, my dad married a woman who had recently and moved to our country for work. To marry my dad, she converted to our religion and adopted a more culturally “acceptable” name. They had a daughter together (my younger half-sister), but sadly, stepmom passed away when the kid was two (this was almost three years ago).
I should mention that changing names is not a religious choice, it’s a cultural one, and my dad’s family just want her to be like them, and not have to tell people where she’s from etc. they buy her clothes for example, but don’t bother interacting with her beyond pleasantries; at gatherings (typically once a week or more) they speak in their native tongue even though she doesn’t understand it. Our language is one of the most difficult to learn for non speakers.
Three months later, my dad married her sister — who also converted and adopted a new, “more appropriate” name (again, at his family’s insistence). He basically made her change her identity to marry him. At the time, he told our whole family — in front of her — that she was jealous of her deceased sister because he “loved her more,” and he would regularly compare the two. I remember sitting there, cringing, feeling deeply uncomfortable. But I stayed quiet.
I’ve continued to stay quiet for years. I tried to stay out of the twisted dynamic between them, out of loyalty to my little sister and for the sake of peace. But now, my stepmom is pregnant — and my dad just announced that they’re naming the baby after his dead wife (her sister), without even consulting her. He decided this the moment they found out it was a girl.
When my stepmom told me, she seemed sad, almost defeated. She said it in a quiet, resigned tone, like she knew there was nothing she could do. It broke my heart. She’s a good person — isolated, unsupported, and emotionally manipulated. She has no job, no family or friends here, no driver’s license, and no real power in the relationship. And yet when I brought this up to my aunt (my dad’s sister), she brushed it off, saying, “Well, your stepmom has a strong personality, she would speak up if she didn’t want this.” As if “personality” matters when you’re living with someone emotionally controlling who holds all the cards.
This whole situation is disturbing on so many levels:
• He’s naming his baby daughter after his dead wife — also the sister of the woman carrying his child.
• The name isn’t even her real birth name; it was adopted during conversion, so it’s not like it has family legacy value.
• My little sister is now going to have a sister with the same name as her mom.
• My stepmom doesn’t seem okay with it, but no one seems to care or ask her.
• It feels like my dad is still obsessed with his first wife and sees his current one as nothing but a placeholder.
• And worst of all: this baby girl is being born into a role that’s not even hers — someone else’s memory.
I want to say something before it’s too late. I want to advocate for my stepmom, for the baby, for our family’s collective sanity. But I don’t know how to confront this without causing drama — or getting shut down completely.
My father is narcissistic and selfish, in case that wasn’t clear, so I know I can’t be too forthright, I need to be smart and careful about what I say to either of them.
Am I overreacting? Or is this as messed up as it feels?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body:
When I say this story is messy, I mean messy. It’s been bothering me so deeply that I need to get it off my chest — and maybe hear some outside perspectives because I feel like I’m going crazy.
Years ago, my dad married a woman who had recently and moved to our country for work. To marry my dad, she converted to our religion and adopted a more culturally “acceptable” name. They had a daughter together (my younger half-sister), but sadly, stepmom passed away when the kid was two (this was almost three years ago).
I should mention that changing names is not a religious choice, it’s a cultural one, and my dad’s family just want her to be like them, and not have to tell people where she’s from etc. they buy her clothes for example, but don’t bother interacting with her beyond pleasantries; at gatherings (typically once a week or more) they speak in their native tongue even though she doesn’t understand it. Our language is one of the most difficult to learn for non speakers.
Three months later, my dad married her sister — who also converted and adopted a new, “more appropriate” name (again, at his family’s insistence). He basically made her change her identity to marry him. At the time, he told our whole family — in front of her — that she was jealous of her deceased sister because he “loved her more,” and he would regularly compare the two. I remember sitting there, cringing, feeling deeply uncomfortable. But I stayed quiet.
I’ve continued to stay quiet for years. I tried to stay out of the twisted dynamic between them, out of loyalty to my little sister and for the sake of peace. But now, my stepmom is pregnant — and my dad just announced that they’re naming the baby after his dead wife (her sister), without even consulting her. He decided this the moment they found out it was a girl.
When my stepmom told me, she seemed sad, almost defeated. She said it in a quiet, resigned tone, like she knew there was nothing she could do. It broke my heart. She’s a good person — isolated, unsupported, and emotionally manipulated. She has no job, no family or friends here, no driver’s license, and no real power in the relationship. And yet when I brought this up to my aunt (my dad’s sister), she brushed it off, saying, “Well, your stepmom has a strong personality, she would speak up if she didn’t want this.” As if “personality” matters when you’re living with someone emotionally controlling who holds all the cards.
This whole situation is disturbing on so many levels:
• He’s naming his baby daughter after his dead wife — also the sister of the woman carrying his child.
• The name isn’t even her real birth name; it was adopted during conversion, so it’s not like it has family legacy value.
• My little sister is now going to have a sister with the same name as her mom.
• My stepmom doesn’t seem okay with it, but no one seems to care or ask her.
• It feels like my dad is still obsessed with his first wife and sees his current one as nothing but a placeholder.
• And worst of all: this baby girl is being born into a role that’s not even hers — someone else’s memory.
I want to say something before it’s too late. I want to advocate for my stepmom, for the baby, for our family’s collective sanity. But I don’t know how to confront this without causing drama — or getting shut down completely.
My father is narcissistic and selfish, in case that wasn’t clear, so I know I can’t be too forthright, I need to be smart and careful about what I say to either of them.
Am I overreacting? Or is this as messed up as it feels?
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Can I ask you which culture your family has?
OP, I think you’re right that the situation is messed up, but I’m not sure that it would be safe or prudent to take issue with this considering where you live and what your dad is like. As a decent human, I think you could help your current stepmom to learn the language, and develop some independence without getting on the wrong side of your dad/family.
The “ — “ are a giveaway of ai slop….
Your family is very unhealthy and you need to remove yourself and go low contact as soon as possible. Because you have grown up in an incredibly controlling atmosphere, watch YouTube videos about relationship red flags before dating. It would be easy for you to accept a controlling man and end up in the same situation as your step-mom. Supporting your step-mom with language understanding would help alleviate her isolation. A narcissist has to believe the idea is theirs and they are perfect. You can manipulate them but you must plan carefully. I don’t know your culture in order to give you examples.
Ok, on that basis that’s fair enough. You’re an adult now then – are you in a position to house your stepmum if she leaves your dad?
What’s your culture’s view on pedophiles? Could you convince your dad that people might think he is one if he names his child after his dead wife? I’m kinda grasping at straws here, trying to figure out an argument you can use to convince your dad to pick ANY OTHER NAME
And no, you’re not insane, this is a wildly weird family dynamic that is very toxic. Sadly the best thing you can do is get a good education, get a decent job and move out ASAP, and once you’re free, you can try and help your stepmom escape, or at least offer her a safe space from your toxic family
What is something that would hurt his ego?
Use that to find a new name. Like how outdated that name is. That people will talk and make fun of us etc.
Tell your dad that is would be wrong for your half sister to have her half sister/ cousin named after her own mom.
I feel for your step mom. Maybe ask both parents since both sisters are going to have the same name if you could pick her nickname?
OP, I’m not sure about your culture of religion, but you could have a look at how the women in your culture/religion used to do it in your scriptures/holy book/myths.
For example: “dreams, like you dreamt that if baby was named ‘Eloise’ she would grow to have a happy life and marry well and bring you honour” or something positive, so no blame can be assigned to the baby or you.