Bare with me since this is a long story, and English is not my first language. I (27) met my husband (30) a few years ago. We dated for a year before we got married, and after a year of being married we had a beautiful son (9 months). I’m from another country, so I don’t have any family here and I only have one friend that is in a different part of her life and I’ve only seen her twice since my baby was born.
My husband is in the Army and we are stationed in one side of the United States while his family is in the other coast. What I’m trying to explain here is that we are alone. My husband travels a lot for his job, at least once every two months. Some trips are only one week long and some are 4 week long. My parents came to help a few 2 months when baby was about 3 months but, again, they live in another country where it takes 23 hs to get there anda $1000 each. My mother in law is great, but she’s still working so she can’t come as often.
Everything was ok up until a few months ago when my husband had to leave for two weeks and we didn’t have any help, so I had to take care of our baby plus work a 24hs job and school. Those two weeks destroyed me, I even thought about packing everything and leaving to my home country (with my baby). I was very opposed to the idea of daycare, but when I saw how hard it is to get a good reliable babysitter I went to tour a few and the minimum wait list was 5 months, which didn’t work because my baby was going to be more than a year old by that time. My and my husband were good before having our baby, we had our fights like any other couple but that was it. Now, I feel like my only solution is to leave every time there’s a problem. He is a GREAT that, he takes care of all feedings since baby was 5months old and never complains , he spends all the time he has available with baby and he even books my nights in local hotels so I can take a break. I’m seeking help for post partum depression , and I know it’s going to take a while, but I wake up every day wanting to leave to my country where I have my people, where I have people I can count on. Again, he’s a great dad, but I feel like I can’t deal with this loneliness anymore.
I can’t count on him, because he’s always leaving and he can’t say no. He has at least 8 more years in, so I know this will continue to happen. The only thing that is stopping me is that I feel really bad because I don’t want to separate them, he did nothing wrong and I’d be really mean to break the bond they could have. We always talk about our feelings, and of course he doesn’t want me to leave, but I can’t keep going like this. We talked about couples therapy multiple times, because I’m building a lot of resentment towards him and we don’t have the same relationship we once had. He looks into it, but then I’m “normal” and he/we forget about it until shit hits the fan again. I guess the only thing I could blame him for is saying that he’ll get help and then forgetting about it when things are going “well”.
Should I follow my instinct and leave? Or should I wait until therapy kicks ?
EDIT to add: I WON’T pack everything and leave with my baby. My husband is aware that this is what I feel and if I end up leaving, he WILL know and we’ll take the appropriate steps
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Backup of the post’s body: Bare with me since this is a long story, and English is not my first language. I (27) met my husband (30) a few years ago. We dated for a year before we got married, and after a year of being married we had a beautiful son (9 months). I’m from another country, so I don’t have any family here and I only have one friend that is in a different part of her life and I’ve only seen her twice since my baby was born.
My husband is in the Army and we are stationed in one side of the United States while his family is in the other coast. What I’m trying to explain here is that we are alone. My husband travels a lot for his job, at least once every two months. Some trips are only one week long and some are 4 week long. My parents came to help a few 2 months when baby was about 3 months but, again, they live in another country where it takes 23 hs to get there anda $1000 each. My mother in law is great, but she’s still working so she can’t come as often.
Everything was ok up until a few months ago when my husband had to leave for two weeks and we didn’t have any help, so I had to take care of our baby plus work a 24hs job and school. Those two weeks destroyed me, I even thought about packing everything and leaving to my home country (with my baby). I was very opposed to the idea of daycare, but when I saw how hard it is to get a good reliable babysitter I went to tour a few and the minimum wait list was 5 months, which didn’t work because my baby was going to be more than a year old by that time. My and my husband were good before having our baby, we had our fights like any other couple but that was it. Now, I feel like my only solution is to leave every time there’s a problem. He is a GREAT that, he takes care of all feedings since baby was 5months old and never complains , he spends all the time he has available with baby and he even books my nights in local hotels so I can take a break. I’m seeking help for post partum depression , and I know it’s going to take a while, but I wake up every day wanting to leave to my country where I have my people, where I have people I can count on. Again, he’s a great dad, but I feel like I can’t deal with this loneliness anymore.
I can’t count on him, because he’s always leaving and he can’t say no. He has at least 8 more years in, so I know this will continue to happen. The only thing that is stopping me is that I feel really bad because I don’t want to separate them, he did nothing wrong and I’d be really mean to break the bond they could have. We always talk about our feelings, and of course he doesn’t want me to leave, but I can’t keep going like this. We talked about couples therapy multiple times, because I’m building a lot of resentment towards him and we don’t have the same relationship we once had. He looks into it, but then I’m “normal” and he/we forget about it until shit hits the fan again. I guess the only thing I could blame him for is saying that he’ll get help and then forgetting about it when things are going “well”.
Should I follow my instinct and leave? Or should I wait until therapy kicks ?
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You’re not wrong for wanting to go where you feel safe. That instinct is loud for a reason. your mental health comes first. Baby needs a mama who’s okay. This isn’t giving up. It’s choosing stability. Don’t let guilt trap you. If he’s a good dad, he’ll understand why you had to put your sanity first. He might be a great dad, but that doesn’t mean this setup is working for you.
Instincts are never wrong in my opinion and experience. I’ve always regretted not listening to my instincts so I say go with your gut
Husband is U.S. Army? Go to them and ask for help. Frequently the wife of commanding officer coordinates wife aid.
To me, this has red flags written all over it. Being a good dad is about wanting what is best for the child regardless of how it affects anyone else, so if he is a good dad, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t, he’s being selfish and isn’t the man/father he claims to be
Your feelings are absolutely justified.
However, keep in mind that you must inform yourself legally before you take your child out of the country. I’m pretty sure you can’t just do this, especially since it will also be about shared custody. Since your husband is so far away, what’s against moving closer to your MIL?
There is a reason for the phrase ‘it takes a village’. Raising children is one of the hardest things a person can do. Add on postpartum depression, a job, AND schooling? That is a huge workload for one person.
I don’t know your financial situation, but from my understanding military members make decent money and good benefits. Would it be possible with some budgeting to quit the part time job or at least limit hours? School is a tough one and I wouldn’t recommend giving it up unless absolutely necessary.
As for a support system, is there a mommy and me group that could help you get on your feet? Maybe a local one or one for military wives? Could your mother come visit for a few months? Or maybe a different family member like a cousin or in-law?
Therapy is a must. The fact you have both mentioned couples therapy before means it should 100% be happening imo. You also probably need individual therapy to help work through the postpartum depression and any feeling about being away from family.
No mom is perfect, anyone who claims to be is a liar. You clearly love your family, both here and abroad, and deserve to have happy times with them. If therapy and building a support system in the US doesn’t work I would discuss the possibility of moving back home with your husband during couples counseling. Staying and working on trying to remain in the US is great, but not if it drives you to a dark and helpless place.
There is no shame in needing help, and if they help you need is back in your home country where you can feel safe and happy then that’s were you need to go. I would go with individual therapy ASAP – work with them to figure out if a life in the US is possible or if you need the next plane home. Do whatever keeps you and your baby happy, healthy, and safe.
Post-partum is a really challenging time even under the best circumstances. If you already know you are struggling with PPD, you should also know that you shouldn’t be making long-term decisions right now. Further, taking your baby to another country for anything other than a brief social visit without the consent of your spouse/the child’s other parent is considered parental kidnapping and is a crime (specifically, a violation of the Hague Convention). You should absolutely not do this. It will create WAY more problems than it would solve.
If you really need to get away/into a more supportive environment, is it possible to go and stay with his parents? You seem to get along with/like your MIL, so perhaps that is an option? You may need to put work/school on hold for a bit until baby is old enough/gets into day care and/or you have a more solid support system. You should also definitely get counseling with your partner. Ideally they would handle getting it set up, but don’t let their failure to do so prevent it from happening. (You already know that it’s a cycle – the only thing you can do during the hard times is hang on, and it’s really hard to motivate during the good times, but doing nothing isn’t working.) Sounds like you guys need some help with communication, and your partner needs to step up a lot more in terms of child care, household care, etc. (When you are choosing a therapist, make sure to find one that does not automatically default to traditional gender roles.) You should also definitely have individual counseling for yourself not only to deal with the PPD but also in advocating for your own needs in your marriage. Fair Play is a good book *if* your partner acknowledges the mental load and physical labor imbalances and is willing to change. Non-violent communication is a great framework for developing communication skills, even if only for yourself.
I was a single mom and get what you’re going though. I was lucky enough to have supportive parents. If you can create a support system in your existing military environment, via his parents, or other chosen family you may find along the way, it will make such a meaningful difference. Wishing you luck!
Stay. Having a job, a baby, and school is too much for you or Superwoman. You have to set your priorities. Can you stop working? If so, that would take a big burden off of your back. Secondly, join the wive’s club. I don’t know if your husband is enlisted or an officer, but both have a club. It’s can be a great support system. You will meet many women in the same boat. There are wives from almost every country. So, you are bound to find one or two from your country. You could also find a mom or two who are willing to trade off watching your baby for you watching hers.
The military can be a lonely life for the spouse, if you let it. If you connect with the other women, it will be a lot easier. Go to therapy, even if it means bringing your baby. You need it whether or not your spouse will go.
It will get better if you will take care of YOU.
Can you stay at your MILs until he gets back? At least it’s less to travel and she’ll help with the baby. She can watch the baby while you study or just take time for you. Perhaps there are other family members or friends that can help out. My friend had a husband who was a Master Chief in the military. She was selected to help wives with their home lives and work lives. Perhaps, they can connect you with other wives who can help you out. Having a young one to take care of with PPD with work and school is exhausting mentally and physically. I’ve been there plus my baby had colic and it was my second child. Hang in there! I wish you the best of luck!
You and your husband need to go to his command and see what resources are available for your situation.
Please don’t leave. I feel that would be so cruel to your husband who you admitted is shopping his best and helps a lot when he’s there. But agree talk to the military about help and seek also counseling so you have someone to talk to. It won’t be like this forever. You’re in a hard spot with baby so dependent/young right now and being in school and working. It’s okay to feel how you feel but please don’t devalue the role of the father in your child life.
I do find it a bit ironic you’d be willing to leave your job that you love and father of your child (causing child to lose access to an entire 1/2 of their parenting equation) to go to another country but not to leave the job just to alleviate the stress you’re feeling.
No problem good luck i wish you well
If you’re baby was born in the states you can’t just leave with him the father has rights
You need to speak to an attorney familiar with family law cases having to do with immigration and military families. The moment you leave, he’s going to file for custody in the state you live in, and that state has jurisdiction over your child. Depending on the country you are from and would be returning to, I think there would be a pretty big legal fight for you to be able to leave the country with your US born child who is the child of a active duty service member.
I would tread very carefully and not make any impulsive decisions. This would be custodial interference. The military would help him pursue this legally, and it’s very possible there would be an order requiring you to bring the child back to the US. If you don’t have citizenship, you might not be allowed to come back with the child. The last thing you want is to be separated from your child.
Former army spouse here. Link up with your duty stations fb and spouse groups. I used to watch a spouses baby so she could study for school. There are people who can help
Well, the question is whether you’ll be willing to move back after eight years. Your husband might not be willing or able to move to your country. Your feelings are important, but so are his, and so you have to take his feelings into consideration too in this decision.