Feeling like a terrible daughter or a terrible partner — stuck and desperately need advice

Hi everyone, I’m looking for advice or perspective on a really painful situation.

I (20f) have been moved out of my parents’ house for just over a year. I didn’t leave on the best terms—my parents were constantly fighting, and it was taking a toll on my mental health and even disrupted my final exams. I felt I had to leave for my own sanity. My dad (50sm), however, believes I should’ve stayed to be their rock during that time.

He also feels that most of the fights between him and my mom over the years were because of me. He says I’d ask for something, bring it to my mom, and she’d try to make it happen without considering the bigger picture. He says instead of parenting, she was “just being my friend,” and that I’d manipulate her into going to him with things, putting him in a position where he either had to give in or be the bad guy. He says he’s felt steamrolled and like he never truly got to parent.

To be fair, I wasn’t exactly a stellar contributor at home. I wasn’t completely useless, but I definitely wasn’t pulling my weight either. I wasn’t taught a lot of life skills, and since moving out, that’s become really obvious. But I’ve improved a lot—I’ve taken on more responsibilities, I’ve grown, and my boyfriend has helped me with that. It’s part of what makes me cautiously (and maybe naïvely) hopeful that if I did return home now, it could go better than it did before.

Which brings me to the situation I’m in now.

About a month ago, I went to sell my four-wheeler. I offered it to my dad first but told him I needed full price. He declined, saying he didn’t really need it anyway. Later, when I got emotional about selling it, I called my dad—not to ask for help, but just for comfort. He misunderstood and offered to buy it under the idea of co-ownership, even though it was for significantly less than I needed. In the moment, I agreed.

After thinking it through, I realized I couldn’t afford that arrangement. I needed the money to pay back my boyfriend for helping me buy a new machine. If I accepted my dad’s deal, I’d be several hundred dollars in the hole and still owe more money on top of recent car repairs. So, I backed out. My dad seemed okay at first, but then on the day I was supposed to sell it to someone else, he called again and made another lower offer. I asked if he could come up $500, and that really upset him. I don’t blame him—I hadn’t communicated clearly and had gone back and forth a few times under stress. But it blew up.

This was the last straw for him. Even though things had been going better—we’d been visiting, watching hockey, and it finally felt like we were building a better relationship—he’s now given me an ultimatum: come home by Tuesday (my birthday), or we’re done. No relationship. He’ll treat me like a stranger.

My boyfriend (24m) however, says if I go home, he’s done. There’s no “maybe.” We’ve been together for two and a half years and he’s spent the whole time dealing with what he feels is constant chaos, emotional volatility, and unpredictability from my family. He says that no matter what’s going on, there’s always something new—some drama, some hidden motive or unclear expectation. And it’s worn him down.

He’s been cheated on, comes from a divorced family, and yet says nothing in his life has caused him more emotional stress than this. From his perspective, I’d be going backwards when he’s trying to build a future—and he can’t sign up for a life where my family is still pulling the strings or creating this kind of disruption.

I understand where he’s coming from, and honestly, I don’t blame him. My dad is very strict and traditional. Even if I came home and was the perfect daughter, I doubt I’d be allowed the kind of independence others my age have. For example, I don’t think he’d allow me to go camping with my boyfriend, which is something we love doing. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but when I look at friends who were allowed to spend weekends at their partner’s house or had supportive families, I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in an impossible situation.

We even tried having my boyfriend call my dad to clear the air and explain some of the growth he’s seen in me. My dad was respectful, but it didn’t change anything. He said that even if the four-wheeler thing had gone the way he wanted, this ultimatum was coming no matter what—just because of the age I’m turning.

And now I feel completely stuck. Part of me feels foolish for choosing my boyfriend over my family. But another part of me feels foolish for letting my family’s dysfunction jeopardize a truly loving relationship and a bright future. No matter what I do, I feel like I’m going to have a very hard time living with myself. I’m terrified of waking up one day having lost one or the other, or both—and regretting the choice I made.

Has anyone else been caught between loyalty to your family and building a future of your own? If you’ve been in a situation where either choice felt like losing someone you love, how did you cope? How do you move forward when it feels like your heart is split in two?

EDIT: I realized I should’ve added this. I am a student. I do not have an income on which I can support myself. I rely on my boyfriend to help cover things so if I do not go home, there is this level of pressure on our relationship where it has to work out because I cannot afford to live on my own and now I can’t go back home to my parents if him and I do not succeed.

TL;DR: I’ve been moved out of my parents’ house for a year after leaving under rough terms. My dad feels I abandoned the family and has now given me an ultimatum: come home by my birthday or we’re done forever. My boyfriend, who’s supported me and helped me grow, says if I go back, our relationship is over—he can’t handle the chaos from my family anymore. I feel like no matter what I choose, I’m going to lose someone I love. I’m torn between rebuilding with my family or protecting my relationship and future. I don’t know what to do.