I had a strange experience. A few years ago, just after Covid, I noticed I was always the one organizing dinners, drinks, or movie nights with my different friend groups. No one ever invited me to anything or even messaged me, unless I reached out first.
So I decided to test it. I stopped arranging things and stopped calling or texting to see if anyone would include me or at least check in. I have two very close friends who I was sure would stay in touch, and they did. But from the rest, I heard nothing and those friendships started to die out.
Years passed. Then, a few months ago, one of them messaged me on my birthday to say happy birthday and asked, “When are we all meeting again?” I just said, “I don’t know, depends on who arranges it.”
More recently, I ran into another friend who asked the same thing. When I gave him the same answer, he said, “But it was always you who arranged those things. We don’t meet up unless you do.”
That’s when it hit me: I wasn’t being excluded. They were just passive. Without realizing it, I had become the group’s unofficial event planner and the one who always kept the connections alive. I assumed they didn’t care, but in reality, they were just waiting on me and probably thought I had pulled away for some reason.
Has anyone else experienced this?
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Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/Greensentry’s post (if available):
I had a strange experience. A few years ago, just after Covid, I noticed I was always the one organizing dinners, drinks, or movie nights with my different friend groups. No one ever invited me to anything or even messaged me, unless I reached out first.
So I decided to test it. I stopped arranging things and stopped calling or texting to see if anyone would include me or at least check in. I have two very close friends who I was sure would stay in touch, and they did. But from the rest, I heard nothing and those friendships started to die out.
Years passed. Then, a few months ago, one of them messaged me on my birthday to say happy birthday and asked, “When are we all meeting again?” I just said, “I don’t know, depends on who arranges it.”
More recently, I ran into another friend who asked the same thing. When I gave him the same answer, he said, “But it was always you who arranged those things. We don’t meet up unless you do.”
That’s when it hit me: I wasn’t being excluded. They were just passive. Without realizing it, I had become the group’s unofficial event planner and the one who always kept the connections alive. I assumed they didn’t care, but in reality, they were just waiting on me and probably thought I had pulled away for some reason.
Has anyone else experienced this?
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I saw who actually cared and who just got used to me always keeping things going
I’ve instead learned that they do things without me, so that’s nice, it is kinda nice too be honest… rather be alone than with fake people.
Kinda in reverse. I’m very much one of those passive ones, that rely on my friends to take the initiative to arrange meetups. I will happily help with anything practical, and would in principle also like to invite, I just… don’t? I realize I’m putting some responsibility on my friends but I have spoken with them about it, and found that they are cool with it.
Thats what I would suggest you do: Find out if you ARE cool with it, or want others to pick up the slack. And talk to your friends about it.
I would never do a “test” like this because my ego would never desire me to know whether people think about me unsolicited.
This topic comes up a fair bit on reddit and it always seems so self-obsessed.
Pretty common. Most groups have a few planners and a few gatherers. The gatherers wait for the planners to plan, but still love the group and the hanging out, they’re just not the type of people to suggest or organize it.
My wife is a planner, I’m more of a gatherer. It’s a bit of a personality thing. I’ve planned on the odd occasion, but she does it a lot more often
If I’m ever having an emergency and can’t text back it’d be a few weeks until they would realize it.
Not very comforting.
I know how you feel, every few months, me & some friends get together & play cards. But we only do it when I arrange it.
You tested and found out the truth. Now, you’re the organizer of the group and it really depends what you do with the truth. If you don’t mind organizing and still have a good time with the group, I’d say still do it. If it bothers you, then atleast you know the truth.
As someone shared above, it’s common particularly for men. Some men are just lazy fucks who follows the crowd. Not that they don’t care, they don’t want to exert effort into putting together a social event. It’s a shame but I’d say direct your energy to better things, remember that they didn’t hurt you, your expectations did.
Many many people have become homebodies since Covid.
My best man in my wedding and I was best man at his. He’s definitely an organizer. We would not see each other if it weren’t for him organizing stuff. Doesn’t mean I value the friendship any less. We’ve been best friends since grade school. That’s just how our friendship has always been. I never thought about it from his point of view but I suppose he could see it as me not being interested in friendship. But we both know each other well enough that he knows I’m the passive friend lol. But he also knows he could call me in the middle of the night and I’d be there no questions asked.
I noticed this with one of two groups, so I stopped organising anything, not met up in over a year so I guess that’s that, shame because we have all known each other 30 years+, but sometimes you have to just take a step back.
Me! I did this with a friend and she’s the passive one. I’ve brought it up to her, and she usually punts it back on me, so I’ve kinda just left that friendship simmer on the back burner.
That I should have done it years sooner than I did.
Wasted far too long organising my life around smoking weed with the guys I grew up with.
Like you, I was always the one trying to organise something different but then at the last minute it was always “ah yeah we’re round at Jim’s house getting high so not really feeling going out… Just come round here if you want”.
I stopped smoking weed and stopped enjoying hanging around with people getting monged out and talking absolute shite. Left em to it.
If you always do “the thing” then you are training the rest of the group that you do “the thing”. Whether that’s organizing, driving, bringing the beer, wtv. If you do anything often enough people assume you’ll do it. IMO, The majority of people are passive.
As an introverted person with occasional depressive states, I was getting a little upset with your post until the end. It’s exactly it. It sucks, but without a push and almost social/peer-pressure, I recoil. Even if I miss them so much.