Hello men!
I have reason to believe I have a very messed up view on how men perceive sex, so please help me because I’m tired of being nervous about it.
My boyfriend and I are both 20 (it’s his 20th birthday today, actually) and we have a fantastic relationship. We moved in together a couple months ago. We communicate super well, and over all I believe we are happy. Our sex drive is alright. I track it on a calendar and we have sex about 13 times per month. He’s said before that he wants to raise that number, but I have a hard time turning him on.
Last night for example: we stayed up to 12 am to wish him a happy birthday, and he opened up the gifts I gave him, which were well received. then I showed him the lingerie I got for his birthday that I was wearing under my pajamas, but he wasn’t interested. He said he was tired, but also proceeded to be joyful and semi chatty when we crawled into bed.
I want to state that I am 100% okay with being told no. I didn’t pressure him after that, but it makes me nervous. I don’t understand how he isn’t horny after that. I’m not upset at all, just want to know if it’s my fault.
I believe my view is messed up is because every man I’ve known in the past seems controlled by sex. I was groomed as a child and spent a large portion of my childhood jumping from groomer to groomer being loved solely for being sexual. If I was to wear something like I did last night, it would have been an immediate “yes!” Even when tried, every partner I’ve had in the past would wake themselves up at the request. They’d all drop anything when I wanted sex.
In my adult life everyone I’ve dated was always rearing to go. My current boyfriend is the only man that’s told me no.
It’s probably an important note that in my previous relationships I rarely wanted it. 4 times a month, maybe. I thought I was asexual. My current boyfriend is the only partner I’ve had where I want sex consistently.
This all boils to one question mostly. What is the “normal” response to sex generally? I’m not asking specifically for my bf, but I want to know general consensus and if I’ve just had bad experiences.
TLDR: I don’t understand how much of a motivator sex is for the general man and if I’ve just been surrounded by horn-dogs for most of my life. Specifically looking for a consensus type of thing
Comments
Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/catscratched10’s post (if available):
Hello men!
I have reason to believe I have a very messed up view on how men perceive sex, so please help me because I’m tired of being nervous about it.
My boyfriend and I are both 20 (it’s his 20th birthday today, actually) and we have a fantastic relationship. We moved in together a couple months ago. We communicate super well, and over all I believe we are happy. Our sex drive is alright. I track it on a calendar and we have sex about 13 times per month. He’s said before that he wants to raise that number, but I have a hard time turning him on.
Last night for example: we stayed up to 12 am to wish him a happy birthday, and he opened up the gifts I gave him, which were well received. then I showed him the lingerie I got for his birthday that I was wearing under my pajamas, but he wasn’t interested. He said he was tired, but also proceeded to be joyful and semi chatty when we crawled into bed.
I want to state that I am 100% okay with being told no. I didn’t pressure him after that, but it makes me nervous. I don’t understand how he isn’t horny after that. I’m not upset at all, just want to know if it’s my fault.
I believe my view is messed up is because every man I’ve known in the past seems controlled by sex. I was groomed as a child and spent a large portion of my childhood jumping from groomer to groomer being loved solely for being sexual. If I was to wear something like I did last night, it would have been an immediate “yes!” Even when tried, every partner I’ve had in the past would wake themselves up at the request. They’d all drop anything when I wanted sex.
In my adult life everyone I’ve dated was always rearing to go. My current boyfriend is the only man that’s told me no.
It’s probably an important note that in my previous relationships I rarely wanted it. 4 times a month, maybe. I thought I was asexual. My current boyfriend is the only partner I’ve had where I want sex consistently.
This all boils to one question mostly. What is the “normal” response to sex generally? I’m not asking specifically for my bf, but I want to know general consensus and if I’ve just had bad experiences.
TLDR: I don’t understand how much of a motivator sex is for the general man and if I’ve just been surrounded by horn-dogs for most of my life. Specifically looking for a consensus type of thing
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Libido varies by individual. Even at a young age. For reference, even at my age, my SO (62F) and I (57M) pretty much do something practically every night. We both have very high libidos.
As for the lingerie, personally I couldn’t care less about the wrapper. I’m only interested in the present. 🥰 Some people like it I suppose, otherwise there wouldn’t be a market for it.
Every person has their own unique sex drive. Not all dudes want sex 24/7. Part of finding a compatible partner is finding someone whose sex drive somewhat matches yours (or if it doesn’t, it’s not a deal breaker).
Depends on the guy I would say, if my lady pulled out a lingerie outfit I’m not pulling out after the 30 seconds I give her. No matter how tired I might be. Especially on my birthday. Horn dog or not. I think it all depends on the guy
This is more an individual thing than a man thing.
In my personal experience it’s not that different to many women. Most healthy men are interested in sex, particularly with their partner but it doesn’t mean we lack agency to consider other things over it or aren’t impacted by things like being tired, being stressed, having low libido or flat out just not in the mood.
If someone has sex as an overriding consideration for everything they’re likely an addict.
As an aside, what I do find is a common gender difference is that a lot of men don’t really care that much about lingerie, but even among the men who really appreciate lingerie, I find most men like different styles of lingerie than women. Specifically I find most men like more “minimalist” style of lingerie while many women seem to prefer the opposite.
> I track it on a calendar and we have sex about 13 times per month. He’s said before that he wants to raise that number, but I have a hard time turning him on.
Odd that he’s fixated on that number but doesn’t seem to actually WANT sex more frequently than that.
> Last night for example: we stayed up to 12 am to wish him a happy birthday, and he opened up the gifts I gave him, which were well received. then I showed him the lingerie I got for his birthday that I was wearing under my pajamas, but he wasn’t interested.
I personally don’t really need my partner to do anything special to “turn me on.” Just being naked under the sheets together is plenty to get me going, libido permitting. And even when I’m not explicitly in the mood, all she really has to do is start touching me. I guess I’m not very visual? Maybe he’s not.
Have you tried being more direct like that? Just start touching him and/or rubbing up against him?
Still, it’s odd that he says he wants more sex but doesn’t initiate or respond to your openness towards it.
You did nothing wrong. It varies from person to person and can even change day to day, week to week. Enjoy it when it happens. Don’t stress when it doesn’t. Sounds like you guys have a good thing. Don’t fixate on the frequency.
Men are not a monolith but I think your boyfriend’s response is pretty close to normal. He says yes when he wants to have sex and no when he doesn’t. Him turning you down when you showed him your lingerie just means he’s not visually motivated for sex
When i was 20, I definitely fell into the horn dog category. Wouldn’t have had to ask me twice at any time of day. Now im in my thirties, im tired… sometimes the drive just isn’t strong enough to engage. Life is for me is quite full on and sometimes there just isn’t enough hours in the day. Different strokes for different folks tho. I wouldn’t get hung up on it. Some people are overly lustful and some have a good grip on it. As long as you are both happy, fulfilled and treat each other right I wouldn’t over think it.
Everyone is different and peoples sex drives can vary based on all sorts of factors.
Personally I’ve been with someone who I would fuck like five times a day, like absolutely egregious amounts. But I’ve just as content with someone who I fucked a few times a week, because I understand that is a normal number and most people want to do things other than fuck nonstop.
It’s really not unusual or odd for Men to turn down sex, and it has no bearing on how attracted they are to you. Men don’t date people purely for sex.
I get tired early. It’s been a long day, I don’t want to sweat and re-wake up in the middle of the night and then sleep where it’s wet.
I much prefer morning trysts; I wake up with more energy, refreshed, and you’re gonna hit the shower and change clothes anyway. It just makes more sense to me.
I would never take that as personal – men are allowed to be tired and may have different schedule than you. I once read a scientific study women are more amorous in evenings while men are in the mornings – your experience may vary.
I know if more men are like me, this is completely normal.
Sex is a lot of work. Sometimes even high levels of horniness can’t compete with high levels of tiredness. Sometimes you feel really tired and then you stay up later than expected. Nothing out of the ordinary.
It varies by person and also energy levels with age. In my 20’s we’d have been at it till sunrise if she was so inclined. In my 40’s I still want it all the time but a wise man once said…
🎶 I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
If you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once
As I ever was🎶
A lot
Depending on life circumstances at 20 I went from being insatiable to just needing to sleep. It depends. Had this happened at 8pm the following night I would have more to go on but even then tired may be a reasonable answer.
It really depends. Personally, I’ve never always wanted it. I wouldn’t say it’s hard to convince me, but at the same time it’s not like I jump to it every single time it’s offered. Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes it’s a chore, sometimes it’s welcomed.
Lingerie never did anything to me. It’s just a nice gesture sometimes, I never actually found it attractive. It just felt too impractical. It was always “oh she thought of doing something nice for me”.
Is he masturbating and/or consuming porn frequently? This can lower the libido.
as someone who rarely partakes in these activities with their spouse, i can say that the morning time is almost always a go-to for us, varey rarely do we do anything at night.
Maybe try some morning stuff and see how he feels? You seem to be consistent with your ocmmunication with him, so maybe try asking him about it? worst case scenario he gives you a weird answer, best case scenario you help each other figure out what you like more. Have you tried reading the 5 love languages book? that could also help figure out each other better.
Sex isn’t everything. Healthy sex is fine, unhealthy one is damaging.
Maybe he was tired, we don’t care only for sex. Some of us have things that interest us more than that.
I’m not controlled by sex at all, i’ve had my fair share and i’m way over it. Yet, the only times i’ve refused is to an ex thet wanted it about 3 times a day for 2 years straight. That was just too much for me.
It could be anything though, from his drive just being lower in general to not finding you all that attractive and anything in between. It’s too individual of a question to be answered by random men.
Another factor- what does your boyfriend do for a living and is it a physically demanding job?
Sometimes you just ain’t in the mood hun. And that can happen on a birthday too.
In my 20’s, I could go 5 times a day, but I had sexual trauma as a child, and an unhealthy relationship with, and attachment to sex. Now, late 40s, and healed, I don’t want sex unless i’m 100% in a space to enjoy it (if it’s for my pleasure). If I’m a little tired, why force it if ai won’t enjoy it fully, because there is an opportunity cost. I can’t go back to back anymore, and your boyfriend might not be able to either.
This is cliche, but this is a conversation you need to have with him.
Ask him about it. Tell him you aren’t mad, but want to feel desired, AND want to show up for him how he wants you to as well. He knows himself best.
Assumptions from strangers will only serve to add more confusion and potentially unrealistic and misinformed expectations into the mix.
Great job being open, self aware, and willing to ask. Given your background, this is amazing work. He’s a lucky guy.
he probably relived himself not to long before that and was tired.
I’m much better in bed and intersted in sex in the mornings. I think it’s common with many men. Could be a reason.
Trex doesn’t want to be fed. He wants to hunt.
-Dr Alan Grant
I find things like this interesting because of how different things seem to be on the other side of the coin.
Men are told no (denied) and it’s not a big deal at all. Women get told no, and it becomes an issue.
OP, you’re probably overthinking it. I’m just amused at just how different things can be.
Everyone is different and at 20 you barely know yourself, or how you may mature as a couple. Keep the conversation going and engender a judgement-free zone. If one of you is losing interest it could be that there are desires that one or both partners don’t feel comfortable discussing, and that is what you want to avoid. People also move on from each other if there are too many deal breakers. That’s also fine. Everyone has the right to say goodbye if that means they get to go and get what they want.
Sometimes you’re just not horny. Im sure as a woman you’ve told men no before because you just didn’t want sex at that moment. And then that’s the end of it. But if a man does it to a woman, it calls for psychological analysis lol.
As long as you guys click when you do it, then it’s all good. I personally think a calendar is a tad excessive. I think it should be a bit more vibes based. Calendar might make it feel more obligatory or like a quota.
There is no “normal” when it comes to sexual response. Some people want it more often. Some less. The important thing is to communicate and to make sure that both parties are happy with how things are, and to make sure needs are being met. Although pain is NOT normal. But pain is usually caused by not enough lube.
I think that the goal should be pleasure. Not the frequency. Not that foreplay leads to PIV. Not even that he ejaculates inside of you. The goal should always be pleasure.
Not all of us are horn dogs. There’ll be times I’m just not interested. I think age also is a factor.
Our testosterones drop as we age too.
Everyone is different but I want put out there that I think lingerie is way more for women than it is for men. The lingerie industry has been lying to you women. I’ve had girls throw on lingerie for me and expect it to be an instant turn on and honestly it almost has the opposite effect for me(not that the lingerie is hard to look at but just the idea that I’m supposed to go from zero to 100 just from looking at it) I would prefer some flirting and a bit of foreplay. I think lingerie is the equivalent of a guy whipping his dick out and expecting the girl to just go nuts.
Again everyone is different but if I had just had a big day and was feeling tired I think what would turn me on most would be my partner giving a BJ. Like flirt with him a bit. Let him know you are in the mood and want him. Bonus marks if you show him that you are really enjoying this act of service you are providing him and it’s turning you on. Maybe play with yourself while you are doing it(you have two hands). If you can get yourself off while doing it that’s the dream. Lots of guys feel pressure to perform for their partners and I think a lot of them would appreciate you taking care of both your and your partners needs and showing him that you desire him and are turned on by him.
This is coming from a guy with a really high sex drive. Yes I’d take you up on the lingerie but if you really want to turn a guy on show him that you can’t need him and can’t resist him.
While I’m at it be more selfish about your organisms ladies. Men want to make you cum. Tell us what you want and make sure you are getting it. Nothing is sexier than seeing you genuinely enjoy yourself in the act!