TIFU by blacking out, doing naked aquatic gymnastics with my tampon and waking up in a dog bed.

r/

Went to a pool party where I knew exactly 3 people. One friend stayed sober, the other two were getting absolutely railed at opposite ends of the pool. I chugged a pint of Captain Morgan like it was Gatorade and promptly blacked out. Stripped completely naked, started doing underwater handstands like an unhinged circus seal — tampon string waving behind me like the American flag.

Then I climbed out, ripped that tampon out like a Beyblade, and launched it into a field like a feral raccoon. Got right back in to resume the aquatic gymnastics — all while my friends were still mid-dick.

Cut to Taco Bell: I’m in the passenger seat, puking into a Taco Bell bag, while the other two are twerking in the drive-thru for free tacos like it’s currency.

Woke up in a stranger’s bathroom, in a dog bed, bleeding through the night because my only tampon is now one with nature. My friends showed me the video footage. I can never return to that zip code again.

TL;DR: Got blackout drunk, stripped naked, exposed my tampon to an entire pool party, yeeted it into a field, puked in a Taco Bell bag, and woke up bleeding in a dog bed. 0/10 decision-making.

Comments

  1. Raoul_Duke9 Avatar

    Moving is always an option.

  2. Ok_Grapefruit_4792 Avatar

    Sign to stop drinking

  3. fearain Avatar

    Chugging Captain Morgan always makes you do pirate activities

  4. theedonnmegga Avatar

    Sounds like you may be an alcoholic

  5. mfmeitbual Avatar

    “I can never return to that zip code again”

    I’m not a huge fan of the 12 steps but working some kind of program might be something to consider.

  6. caughtinatramp Avatar

    This story sounds a bit bloated.

  7. mghtyred Avatar

    feetfinder, huh? This is spam.

    gif

  8. purplepdc Avatar

    A problem shared is a problem halved, maybe the same is true for the video?

  9. malin7 Avatar

    Just need to post link to your OF now

  10. Chawypie Avatar

    So what prompt did you give ChatGPT for this one? “Write an absolutely scandalous, unrealistic bat-shit insane story for the “r/TIFU” subreddit”?

  11. Cute-Ad-2665 Avatar

    AI slop detected , post downvoted.
    On a side note , what the fuck is this…

  12. Research_Liborian Avatar
    1. Railed here = sex? If so, the parties you go to are like the parties in “Boogie Nights”
    2. Legit sounds like you have, or are in the cusp of having, a pretty impressive alcohol issue. People with advanced alcoholism have these sorts of narratives. You are lucky you weren’t hurt or assaulted.(Source: I’m a recovering drunk.)
    3. Good luck with everything. You clearly need it.
  13. Waalross Avatar

    Sooo that’s your wake up call…

  14. bapplebauce Avatar

    How old are you? I know it might sound wild, but this is rather tame compared to my late teens and early twenties with my friends, but we didn’t really record literally everything quite yet in the early 2010’s, glad you had a good time!

  15. Anonymousma Avatar

    Are you free next weekend?

  16. Petraretrograde Avatar

    Couldn’t waterboard this info out of me