I feel ridiculous asking. 2-3x/year my husband transforms from this normal, loving, chill dude into an absolute rage unit. Punching and screaming and name calling. Would never hurt me or the kids. I know it’s that he’s feeling unheard and frustrated with me, but it causes real damage to me mentally. I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone I know, so I’m asking you. Is this a thing that can happen in normal relationships? Clearly this isn’t “normal,” but is it common? We’ve been together 25 years and married for 17. What’s my level of alarm here?
How often do you yell at your wife/punch things in front of her?
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I feel ridiculous asking. 2-3x/year my husband transforms from this normal, loving, chill dude into an absolute rage unit. Punching and screaming and name calling. Would never hurt me or the kids. I know it’s that he’s feeling unheard and frustrated with me, but it causes real damage to me mentally. I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone I know, so I’m asking you. Is this a thing that can happen in normal relationships? Clearly this isn’t “normal,” but is it common? We’ve been together 25 years and married for 17. What’s my level of alarm here?
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I wouldn’t do that, but I’m not a normal dude. My wife and I would never fight or raise our voices. And I couldn’t see myself ever punching anything.
But, I am sure its a thing that some people do.
Mine has never done that. But an abusive ex however…
I don’t yell in arguments since I became an adult. Reminds me too much of fighting with my dad when I was a kid which I’m sure a lot of that was my hormones raging during puberty putting me on edge constantly.
You’re gonna get hurt. Leave for your own safety
I have yelled at my wife a grand total of one time and I felt like shit and have never done it again.
I have never hit anything out of anger around her…
Never? I might raise my voice if its get really heated but it rarely gets to that point. Yelling and destroying stuff? thats some shit I did when I was 13 and my Mom didnt let me play the xbox for another hour lol
Basically never. If I’m pissed off at the person like that I’ll go for a walk or go to the gym and then discuss it with them later once I’ve calmed down.
A lot of guys struggle with anger. I just learned a couple years ago, at 33M, that a totally valid alternative to yelling or snapping is to say how I feel.
“I feel incredibly frustrated right now”
“I feel really angry”
“I feel… ” you get the idea
And then, if my feelings go unrecognized, I can choose to exit the situation. Go on a walk, drive, play music, video games, whatever.
The Bible says “The anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God”. In other words, very rarely is your wrath going to lead to a positive ending. So verbalize it, name it, and then address it.
As his spouse and partner, you can help by listening to him sincerely, taking his feelings seriously, and supporting him by watching the kids or giving him space when he needs it.
All this assumes that he sees it as an issue and is willing to address it. You can telling him sincerely “I feel concerned when you lose your temper. I feel afraid for myself and my kids, I feel worried it is having a negative effect on our family”. A loving, caring husband will take that seriously and deal with his stuff.
tldr; is it normal? yes. Is it OK? No. He needs to understand how his anger is affecting you and take steps to cope with it better.
Wtf never
never. why should i? talking about stuff is better then yelling. yelling doesnt help anyone, it only makes people scared and thats bad
I can’t say that I’ve never raised my voice at my wife, but it’s extremely triggering for her, and is something I’ve made a conscious effort to work on.
Physical? Never. Absolutely unacceptable behavior. And if I really feel like I need to hit something, it’s a pillow.
I was married for over 19 years and only raised my voice once. I never punched or hit her or anything else.
I raised my voice near the end of the marriage because I wanted her to see what it was like. She frequently yelled at me and then later apologized, but the behavior never changed. This went on for most of the marriage.
One day I got tired of it so I yelled, briefly, then went back to a regular voice. She never yelled at me again after that.
You’ve been together for 25 years. Your alarm is the same as it was when it happened the first time. Review your history and you should be able to see that you and your kids are in no real danger. In-animate objects are in danger, but it’s just stuff. Is it common? For the people with that behavior, sure. Only you know the details of your relationship and whether this behavior has been consistent or increased over time. My wife name calls, but I never do. It’s been that way since early on. I’ve found myself yelling more as our relationship has gone on, but that certainly is a factor of increased frustration and being unheard. I think that sort of things goes up in a lot of relationships when one of partners stops putting in effort and you no longer have anything to lose if you hurt their feelings in the process.
Never. And don’t presume to think “he’ll never harm me or the kids”
I don’t think I have ever yelled in anger at my house.
He needs a healthy outlet before he lets it get to that point.
Zero to sixty sounds like some sort of mood swing medical condition . Really he should consider talking to a medical professional and you should to because it’s clearly affecting you .
I wouldn’t consider any of that normal or common in any scenario.
Literally never.
Once in eigteen years together when I was at a breaking point.
Nevermore.
My husband has never had a violent outburst where he yells or throws things. He gets upset and tells me how he’s feeling with words. We work through it together or cry it out.
In 25 years, my wife and I have had 2 arguments that escalated to yelling at each other. Ive never even thought about hitting her.
Ive always thought the act of punching some inanimate object because you either need to show off your anger or lack self control was one of the stupidest things imaginable.
I slapped a wall out of desperation and being blamed for something despite trying my very best in a difficult situation…. This was before marriage in my early 20s and not a proud moment … I have never done anything of that nature since and I’m now 40.
No name calling… I’ve never Intentionally yelled but my wife would definitely say I’ve raised my voice (I don’t agree BUT I recuse myself of being the judge of that and just assume she is correct). I’m naturally a pretty loud guy and can get lost in the moment… The good and the bad moments… I’m told to quiet down .. a lot.
Not normal.
Recently dated a man like this for a few months. Stop making excuses for him this behavior is toxic.
Is it common, I suspect so.
Is it acceptable, no, it isn’t.
You say he feels unheard by you. Why is that? I’m not trying to blame you for this. I used to be that way in my younger years because I was immature and had the weight of a family the stress of the military and being the sole income earner. These are not excuses either but reasons why I was so angry. Of course a wife that would fuck anyone but me didn’t help. I got out of that relationship and grew up.
It sounds like you need some family therapy.
Did I write this? My husband is super kind, lazy, hard working.. bad when he’s drunk or on coke, I don’t even know him. I always have to ask where are you?
Never. She’s my “precious “
Once in three years.
What often goes unnoticed is the ,”why” part.
People love to chalk it up to just thinking all men are evil and abusive. In my case it was just built up abusive and annoyance coming from her that I put up with for too long when I should have put my foot down and made a stop to things right at the start rather than giving her 2nd chances.
Since then I haven’t had outbursts. But only because I changed how I handle when she causes trouble.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Prolly once or twice ever, both in my early 20s.
No, it’s not common. Dunno about your local laws but where I’m at that’s domestic violence and abuse. It’s one bad decision in the heat of rage from hurting you or your kids. If he’s losing control like that it’s a greater than zero chance you or your younglings may catch it to. Also it’s showing your children that this is acceptable behavior and to be tolerated because YOU tolerate it. Do you want your kids doing this? Or having their partners do this?
Not once in 43 years.
I’d say that this isn’t uncommon. It is worth mentioning to him that it scares you.
He probably works hard to keep that rage controlled all year round.
He could possibly be medicated to avoid the heightened state.
Reddit always claims you should break up and seek therapy (and that death is imminent), I’d say it’s worth working with him on given that amount of time you’ve spent together.
I found myself doing that just before our divorce. Didn’t like me that way.
This is not common and it is not ok.
Never. I am an adult.
Not normal if that wasn’t his previous norm. Did he start any new meds or any new stressors in his life ?
If your daughter was in your situation what would you advise her to do?
I’m 39 and I have never yelled at any of my girlfriends, or punched stuff near them, or any of that kind of bullshit. Being unable to control your rage is pathetic
Literally never
Never. He’s gotta get that fixed.
Punch? I’ve never once raised my voice, nor sworn at my partner, let alone act out violently in front of her.
When one’s angry, you simply just walk away and ask for some space.
This is concerning behaviour.
Never. That’s unacceptable behavior, full stop. I don’t even raise my voice if I can help it, let alone use insults. Full physical attacks (on environment) and verbal assault is…yikes.
Been married 21 years and I’ve never yelled at my wife, even when she did piss me off.
Me and my wife tend to hold our tongues and save our anger with one another for the bedroom. It’s caused a few bruises and bite marks over the years, but really cuts down on drywall repair.
I’ve never raised my voice at a partner or reacted physically to an argument.
I’ve never called a partner names or directed swearing at them.
I’ve thought about it before. I was thinking, “what if I throw something to show them how upset I am.” Then I thought some more, and came to the conclusion that that would be very silly and be terrible for many reasons. I’ve never done anything like this around my lady or my buddies. I try to even avoid cussing around my lady.
Never. He is an emotional asshole who can’t control himself
I’m no Dr. but this sounds bipolar!
I had a bad drinking and anger phase with my gf who was busy focusing on something career wise and admittedly not prioritizing me at all where I lashed out and yelled and acted like a toddler
It’s not healthy and I went to therapy for like years monthly and still have quarterly check ins cause of that drinking / anger / anxiety / depression.
A lot of folks are saying bluntly it’s terrible and whatnot, and it is, but I don’t think I’m a total piece of shit. If he’s willing to work on it then maybe ask him to?
>would never hurt me or the kids
Until he does.
Never ever….. EVER!! If you feel unsafe leave
Closest thing I did to getting physical with my ex was stepping back and asking her to “get the fuck out of my face” as she was trying to bait me. I would have walked away if she didn’t.
Outside of that, I never hit anything when she pissed me off. That’s a quick way to get some designer bracelets and a fancy DV charge against you.
Never done this, Been with my wife for 18 years.
Your other half may be suffering from some mental health issues. Something may be on his mind or lurking in the background that’s causing these outbursts. As to what to suggest, I don’t really know, maybe some cognitive behavioural therapy or something along those lines
Hope he gets it sorted tho.
I don’t yell at her, and the only thing she has seen me punch is a punching bag.
But has he been doing this for 25 years without any kind of escalation?
I’ve been married just about as long as you have.
I have never yelled and belittled my wife, let alone hit her or the wall.
Time to go away. Throwing a tantrum once in a while is fine, physical demonstration of violence is telltale sign of future domestic violence and general male toxicity.
Have had to raised my voice on my wife a few times at the beginning because I was frustrated with her, she wasn’t listening, and being hard headed. Never got physical or got to the point of verbally abuse, name calling and the such.
Hasn’t happened again in a long time cause she changed and fixed her faults.
My mom used to work for the Ministry of Women. The rule of thumb is that any man that punched things when he is mad will inevitably punch you.
It is the escalation of violence.
Step 1: Screaming
Step 2: Punching things.
Step 3: Punching you.
Step 4: Choking you
Step 5: Killing you.
When someone gets to Step 4, you WILL die. Like, literally. There’s no going back.
Never because I’m not 15 years old hopped up on Monster Energy.
When her ass just will not open her mind up to the idea that she could be wrong.
I’m not trying to fight for hours or days. I’m there to fix the issue on my end and her end… if she’s unwilling to admit where she went wrong, after I’ve already admitted where I went wrong.
I’m not trying to argue semantics. That shit is rage inducing
I never ever ever do that.
My two cents-I punched a door in 2019 and again in February of this year. Frustration overload. It was either that or a heart attack. Not proud. Little boy behavior. Understand he’s having a physiological response, a short circuit, he’s in Fight or Flight and obviously feels boxed in where he can’t leave for some reason and he obviously can’t hit you. So he hits an inanimate object. Go easy on him. He likely feels worse than you do.
The threat of violence *is* violence. The body does not differentiate – it will prepare itself for danger regardless.
I am a man in my 40s, I have never yelled at my ex-wife (we split amicably) nor my current partner. I have never threatened violence, punched anything, thrown anything, etc. The only times I’ve ever lifted a hand against someone I was with was to protect *myself* when she got violent.
This isn’t normal. Your kids are living with fear, whether any of you realize it or not. It is normalizing a level of anger and violence that is unhealthy and they may learn to emulate.
He needs to seek help or else you need him out of there.
I am a 43 old man who fought pro-am and spent years punching and getting punched. I have never punched animate or inanimate objects around my wife or due to an argument with her. This is dangerous af
Does he drink?
This is not normal and serious red flag behavior. You said that he would never hurt you or the kids, but no one wants to believe the person they love is capable of harming them. In fact, he is harming you and the children by negatively affecting your mental health. Seek therapy for yourself and him. Look up the power and control wheel to assess for other abusive behaviors you may not have considered.
Never, my husband has NEVER done this in over 20 years
Gonna pipe up because my experience is a little more moderate than most in this thread.
I have on occasion lost my temper and raised my voice in anger. One of the downsides of trusting your inner secrets with others is that they now have the ammunition needed to know how to get under your skin – so no one knows how to piss me off quite like my immediate family – including my wife.
That said – when it happens I recognize it for what it is (an involuntary reaction) and tamp down on it fast. There is nothing worse in my mind than scaring people I love with a visceral reaction and I definitely would catch it before it result in violence – against a wall or otherwise.
Examples include: Dropping a bag of potato’s and walking out the door to be away from people who had pushed me too far, yelling my reply louder than I intended and immediately reigning in my tone when I realized I had scared my wife and walking menacingly toward my wife (I didn’t realize the optics and didn’t realize she was scared of me but let me know and I immediately tamped down on my …body language I guess?) Generally losing my temper lasts for a very brief period unless someone is returning my anger (like when I get in a shouting match with my father over politics I guess?)
Anything more than this I would consider a problem. If they hit a wall to vent their anger I would say either they can’t control their temper sufficiently, or they can but are purposefully trying to intimidate you in order to ‘win’ the argument. I would highly advise counselling – either couples for both of you or anger management for your husband depending on if this is an issue specific to your relationship or if he has issues controlling his temper outside of your relationship as well.
Never because that is not normal.
I’ve only ever punched a wall once. I was ripped roaring drunk and she wouldn’t leave me alone. I was begging. I finally punched the wall and she walked away. I was able to knock out after that.
I think your husband has some anger issues and he should get help. I wonder if anything else, you, the kids, work etc is stressing him out those 3-5 times a year he does that. Some people just don’t know when to leave people alone and push and push.
Uh zero? Red flags are red flags.
I beat my wife almost daily, it’s quite normal
I lied, don’t come with me with the abuse, please
My name isn’t Kyle so no, I wouldn’t do that.
Punching things is physical abuse
You had kids with this guy?
Yes, I’ve done this. It’s (ironically) an attempt at control when it doesn’t feel like there is any. Not necessarily an attempt to control YOU, but to control a situation that seems hopelessly out of hand. It’s not healthy and likely something unhealed from childhood. He needs to understand how it makes you feel, learn when the feeling is coming on, and redirect the energy (I take walks, journal, or seek solitude). The promise that he’d never hurt you, true or otherwise, is permission for him to do it again. He needs to understand non-physical violence is real and this can be imprinted on the kids.
I never did that with a SO. I was like that as a teen, arguing with my siblings. I grew up in a Violent home…so it was kind of “Beaten” into me.
I always tried to leave/get out of the situation when I could feel it building. My problem was the ones that I had issues with wouldn’t leave me alone.
I basically avoided everyone for all of my school years and my 20s. It lead me to drinking alot, which caused alot if other problems.
Does he ever show any signs of him getting that way before it happens? Do you know if something else has been happening during this time with work, etc?
I’m in my late 40s and I’ve yet to do that to anybody. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve beaten people’s asses before, but I wasn’t sitting there raging at them. I know exactly how big and scary I am.
Zero. This isn’t normal.
I’m not one of those “DIVORCE RIGHT NOW” Redditors; I think that an issue like this can be worked through. But it’s unacceptable and should be treated as such.
I call BS on 90% of the answers here. “I nEvEr rAiSeD mY vOiCe tO hEr” 🤓
You are telling me you never had a fight, never yelled even once and every time she pissed you off you were a grandmaster mediator who deescalated effectively and with the patience of a zen Buddhist?
You are either full of shit, a meek spineless pushover or a psychopath with no emotions.
Or a lonely neckbeard living in their mom’s basement.
It happens. Therapy can help. Especially group therapy. Most men will be averse to both, especially group therapy, and especially older men who were raised on an image of what a masculine man looks like and raised in a time when therapy or being vulnerable with feelings were both stigmatized. This is totally a thing that happens in normal relationships. Couples therapy can be helpful too, even if you’re not the “cause” of the behavior. You can learn ways to help him stop himself from getting to that point, or help him understand what the signs are that he is becoming too escalated and help him implement coping skills to stop it before it starts. You can learn common triggers and how to avoid them or engage with them safely.
If you know he would never hurt a fly, then you know what this is. It’s a tantrum of sorts. Your husband is feeling a lot of emotions in those moments and for whatever reason is having a hard time articulating what he is feeling or why. It could be embarrassment. It could be lack of insight. It could be cognitive dissonance. The point is, in that moment, his executive functioning is being overwhelmed by his fight or flight response. He is protecting his sense of identity or safety in one way or another. Whether it be a feeling of loss of control or an unacknowledged fear or something else. The emotions are coming out sideways because he isn’t getting the outcome he viscerally feels he needs and isn’t able to process what is happening in those moments. Learn how to tell eachother you need space before continuing the conversation. Therapy will help with that piece a lot, and help you both learn not to take it personally when the other person asks for that space before reengaging with the sensitive topic.
I’ve been with my wife for 14 years.
I have never once raised my voice at her.
I have anger issues. I won’t lie about that. I’ve never lost my cool infront of my kids and the few times I’ve lost control over it I separate myself from my wife.
I detach. I work through it.
I’ve worked really hard on getting my anger issues under control. It’s been really hard, but I think I’ve got a good handle on it these days.
I’m 60+ and have never, and will never, do that. Not to my wife nor my kids. Not anyone, really.
People who go into violent rages have lost the ability to:
For me, being rational and having control of my emotions are two hallmarks of what it means to be a man, and a human.
Using physical intimidation and/or violence towards vulnerable people is the height of cowardice and un-manliness.
Never once have I punched anything or yelled aggressively or thrown anything. In my book that is never ok and should not be tolerated.
I don’t. I’ve raised my voice at my wife maybe twice in 15 years of marriage.
Info: 2 – 3 times a year? Is this a seasonal thing? Does he have any mental health issues? Is he on any medications?
>I know it’s that he’s feeling unheard and frustrated with me
Maybe read that over a few times?
Never. I’ve never raised my voice or punched things in front of her. Been with her 10 years.
Never
My fiancé has literally never done this to me. Ever.