AITAH we f (54) and m (55)got custody of my 11 year old grandbaby and 5 year old niece. My grandbaby is calm and has a introvert personality. My niece has adhd and is rowdy and extrovert. He will go in the room and play games and watch TV with my 11 year old grandbaby. My niece 5 will want to play and they don’t let her. Tonight my 5 year old niece old me they won’t let her play and it’s hurting her feelings. She says papa never spends time with me. ( the 5 year old calls my husband papa cause my grandbaby does) I told her I’m sorry honey I can’t make them let you play. I said Rudolph didn’t get to play reindeer games either because the other reindeer were mean bullies. I told my husband I don’t think it’s right him taking time playing games with one child and not letting the other play. He said he let her go to the shop and watch cartoons. She stayed there 10 minutes and the 11 year old spends a half a day out there. AITA for saying it ain’t right to do that to her? he got mad at me and went back out to the shop because he sees it as me trying to tell him what to do . They were playing war and don’t break the ice. He will spend time with the grandbaby a few nights a week. The 5 year old he doesn’t. He’ll take the 11 year old to the store and don’t want to take the 5 year old. She feels shunned. I’ve spoke with him but it does no good. He favors the 11 year old to me.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
AITAH we f (54) and m (55)got custody of my 11 year old grandbaby and 5 year old niece. My grandbaby is calm and has a introvert personality. My niece has adhd and is rowdy and extrovert. He will go in the room and play games and watch TV with my 11 year old grandbaby. My niece 5 will want to play and they don’t let her. Tonight my 5 year old niece old me they won’t let her play and it’s hurting her feelings. She says papa never spends time with me. ( the 5 year old calls my husband papa cause my grandbaby does) I told her I’m sorry honey I can’t make them let you play. I said Rudolph didn’t get to play reindeer games either because the other reindeer were mean bullies. I told my husband I don’t think it’s right him taking time playing games with one child and not letting the other play. He said he let her go to the shop and watch cartoons. She stayed there 10 minutes and the 11 year old spends a half a day out there. AITA for saying it ain’t right to do that to her? he got mad at me and went back out to the shop because he sees it as me trying to tell him what to do .
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I THINK I MIGHT BE THE ASS BECAUSE THE 5 YEAR OLD HAS ADHD AND IS HARD TO GET FOCUSED TO PLAY A WHOLE GAME.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. A 5 year old doesn’t automatically get to do what the 11 year old does. She may not be old enough for the games. You should teach her now that the 11 year old is going to get privileges she doesn’t have whether it’s games or a later bed time.
If it’s about spending time then tell him he needs to find 5 year old friendly things to do with her.
That does not seem kind. Maybe you can do something with your niece, just the two of you.
YTA for not understanding that it’s hard to play games with a young child (particularly one with ADHD and hyperactivity as you said yourself). Maybe look for solutions instead of telling her your husband and grand baby are bullies (a la reindeer). There are age appropriate games you could look into getting and splitting up the time. Or you could spend time with her yourself. Do you spend likewise time with the 11 year old?
Playing games with an 11 year old is completely different than playing with a 5 year old. 5 years olds need more patiences or comprehension help. They make things stressful.
My partners nephews, one 7, one 13, we play with both sometimes. (Not at same time)
Playing with the 7 year old can be so stressful and honestly a chore sometimes, where the 13 year old doesn’t need his hand held.
5 year olds attention spans are also way shorter.
He absolutely should find something to do with the Niece as well….but I totally get why he doesn’t want it to be a game, specially if it’s one that requires more thinking.
I can’t really determine AH cause I really see both equally. Not AHs per say, just unfortunante circumstances
YTA – there’s a big difference between how an 11 year old plays and a 5 year old plays. The older kid should be able to do age -appropriate stuff without always having to play at a 5 year old level. Your husband can do other things with the younger kid without you reinforcing the fear that she’s less loved
INFO
What games are they playing? Are the games appropriate for a 5 year old?
Info: Does your husband do one-on-one activities with your niece? Or does he only make time for your grandchild?
YTA
If the 5 year old were just a little closer in age to the 11 year old, I would like say “Yeah, that’s messed up to favor the older one” but there are complicating factors here.
Factor #1: The 6 year age gap. Your niece is going to have to understand that, in life, her cousin will get to do things that she might not always get to do by virtue of being older. My older sibling is constantly trying to force their older daughter to let the younger daughter do the same things and it drives the oldest absolutely bonkers – It’s not making them closer and is, in fact, driving them apart. That’s the future you’re facing with your grandchild and niece, if you don’t chill.
Factor #2: Your niece has ADHD and is admittedly rowdy. She can’t help this, but it DOES make it exceedingly difficult to sit down and play a game if the 5 year old is flittering about from thing to thing and unable to sit still to focus on the game.
Info: did he participate in the decision to take custody of the 5yo? How did that come about?
I don’t think your husband is being a good father to this child. But also, he’s not the father of this child, so the circumstances seem relevant.
NTA and I don’t get these comments. Assuming your husband OK’d them coming to stay with you guys and he accepted the responsibility to act as a parent – of course a 5 year old plays differently than an 11 year-old. But as a parent/adult who is caring for children, you make the effort to do age appropriate things with both kids. Feeling excluded like that by a caregiver as a young child can be painful and traumatic.
YTA for telling a five year old that her uncle is a mean bully.
Also five and eleven is a huge age gap. It’s not fair to expect her to be allowed to impose on all of the 11 year olds time.
Maybe your husband needs to start giving the five year old more attention, but you’re going about this entirely the wrong way and creating issues for all three of them.
YTA for telling the niece she’s being bullied simply because she wasn’t included.
I was going to go with NAH until I read you were telling the little one that she’s being targeted and treated “mean” by your husband. You’re putting negativity onto her when it’s unnecessary to do so; work out your issues with your husband away from the kids like adults. Bringing them into your adult problems is unfair to them.
11 and 5 are radically different ages developmentally. It would be hard and unfair to both kids to expect them to do everything together.
Now, each kid should absolutely be given attention. One shouldn’t be IGNORED in favor of the other. But that doesn’t mean they should do everything the same… it just means you and your husband should find age-appropriate activities to do with each kid. Playing together may be appropriate on occasion, but you can’t and shouldn’t expect that to be the norm.
Have a conversation – again, away from the kids! – with your husband and figure out ways that both you and him can be active with each child. Form a plan and go from there. Husband does need to be willing to spend time with the 5, just not always alongside the 11. If he’s totally unwilling to do activities with the 5, then that’s a separate issue to handle.
I loved my nephew when he was a 5yo ADHD kid. I limited my time with him because he was annoying and I didn’t want that to he clear to him and effect his self esteem. But small children are rough for me. Too much work. I hugged him, brought him gifts, told him I loved him, would even occasionally take him for food. I resisted the urge to yell or swat him away when he would try to jump on me or wake me up at 7am when I stayed on their couch for a night.
Him at 11? Far better. We can actually have real conversations. He’s on ADHD meds. He wants to listen to specific songs in the car and can answer questions like “What do you like about that song?” And “Do you ever want to learn an instrument?”
It’s different. Vastly different. Not wanting a 5yo in the room during a videogame is incredibly reasonable. Ignoring the child altogether is not. But we didn’t get that info.
Where you became so clearly the AH is that you framed their disinterest as bullying. You labeled your husband as the bad guy to the 5yo… instead of saying, “Videogames are for when you’re older. You’ll get your turn one day!”
YTA for letting your husband shun your niece.
Playing video games with a 5 year old doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried.
That said, he should try to come up with a separate, developmentally appropriate one on one activity he can do with the younger kid
YTA since you literally told her that her papa and the 11 year old are bullies like in rudolph. that’s terrible of you. grow up lady
ESH.
You for the “bullies” comment. That’s not an appropriate way to talk about your spouse in front of a child.
Your spouse for not making more effort with niece.
Also, an 11 year old is hardly a “baby”.
NTA your husband sucks and is setting that girl up for a lifetime of insecurity. no one is saying he has to play the exact same games with both kids, but he shouldn’t need to be told to put in equal effort. surprised the golden child brigade isn’t all over this one… but then again all the y t a comments are probably from 11 year olds who don’t want to play with their sisters 🙃
YTA for talking bad about your husband to a child. Also, some games cannot be played with young children. It isn’t fair to the 11 year old to have to endure a 5 year old being rambunctious and throwing pieces, wandering off etc. Different ages get to do different things. Does your husband do other stuff with the 5 year old?
YTA Playing with a calm and introverted 11 year old is worlds apart from playing with a rowdy, extrovert. adhd 5 year old. Not everyone has the patience and grace needed for a rowdy, neurodivergent 5 year old. Is she in therapy? If so, is her therapist working with her and you to manage her adhd?
Do some research on age appropriate activities for your niece that line up with her interests. Then schedule some family activity/game time for all of you. Talk to your husband about how this is affecting niece and ask him to try a little harder with her. Also, stop referring to your grandchild and husband as bullies, that’s not productive or healthy. Good luck!
ESH except the kids. First of all, Grandpa is for blatantly favoring one child over another where the ignored child feels unloved and left out. Then YTA because you really did nothing other than reaffirm that there is something not quite “right” about the 5 year old TO the 5 year old? Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Really? And you called your husband and “grandbaby” bullies for not letting her play with them. Not everything is for everyone all the time! Even WITHOUT ADHD, a typical five year old does not have either the skills, mental capacity, or attention span of an typical eleven year old. What a five year old might enjoy would probably bore the heck out an eleven year old. I don’t know what games your husband and the “grandbaby” are playing, but I’m willing to bet that if they did let her play, it would probably end in tears and frustration. YTA also for just dumping entertaining or spending time with the children solely on your husband. Can’t you find games or activities that the two children can both enjoy and spend some time with them? And again, not necessarily the same activities at the same time. And as for the ADHD thing–was the 5 year old actually diagnosed by medical professions or you just think she you expect her to be more like the older child? IF she was diagnosed, then, find out what things might work to keep her happy and occupied (so she thrives, not so you and your husband can ignore her for hours on end). I hope this is rage bait, because I certainly bit off a big hunk of it!
YTA!
Your 5yr niece isn’t being bullied just because she isn’t being included. Get over yourself!!!
INFO:
Did you get custody of them around the same time? And was your husband in full agreement before your niece came to live with you?
NTA
You say in the comments that he doesn’t spend nearly as much time with the 5 year old as the 11 year old AND that they often play games that the 5 year old could be included in. While it may be hard to always include the 5 year old, especially with the personality and energy level differences, as her guardians you are both supposed to do your best for her. Your husband’s actions comes across as him favoring the older child. The 5 year old is just seeking connection with your husband.
I disagree with implying that your husband and the 11 year old are bullies though. I understand that you were trying to talk about a tough topic in an age-appropriate way, but that was not the best example.
Compromises are super important. The 11 year old is able to sit still for hours, but the 5 year old obviously has too much energy to sit still for that long. Could you, for example, add a mini trampoline for the 5 year old to jump on while watching cartoons?
It is shitty to tell her she’s being bullied by the man who is supposed to be raising her when that’s CLEARLY not the case. It sounds like he just doesn’t know how to interact with her yet. A five year old girl is in a way different headspace/energy than an 11 year old boy.
How new is this set up? It could just be that he needs more time adjusting. I can understand him feeling like you’re telling him what to do. She doesn’t necessarily have to be included in what they’re doing. Maybe revisit the conversation and start by explaining how she’s been feeling (you could even have the two of them talk instead of you). And, from there, y’all could shuffle some ideas around regarding what kinds of things they can actually do together.
I understand getting hot headed and wanting to defend her, but telling her he’s bullying her makes you kind of an asshole in this scenario.
Edit to add: my apologies, idk why you said the grandbaby was a boy. either way though, the age and headspace matter 🥲
why are all the comments missing that the husband has custody of both these kids- for all intents and purposes, he is their father.
he doesn’t have to play video games with the five year-old, but it’s absolutely not cool to refuse to spend any quality time with one of your children. he doesn’t have to play video games with the five-year-old but he absolutely needs to put time and effort into figuring out an activity they can do together.
Why do you guys even have these kids? I get that they had to go somewhere for whatever reason, but why you and your husband, specifically? It sounds like they’d be a lot better off with people who actually want and are set up for having foster children.
My mom had breast reduction in her 60s. She went from an F to maybe an A. She was extremely happy with the results and there really wasn’t much scarring long term
YTA. Unless it’s a VERY simple game, the 5 year old can’t do shit, and it’s frustrating as an adult to play that way. It’s worse when the kid is hyperactive and can’t concentrate. At 11, the older child has more self control and can self regulate the emotions and frustrations that come with video games. I’m a pretty active gamer and I can’t think of any games that my 5 year old can truly play. It wasn’t until her older brother was about 8 that he could handle very easy games like Stardew Valley or Minecraft. Now he’s playing some Lego games and Astrobot, but he still struggles.
To be rather blunt, a 5 year old has no business playing video games like that. Get the kid a tablet and hook them up with things like Kahn Academy Kids, or PBS games and videos. They don’t need brain rot when their brains are still developing that rapidly.
So you’ve spoken about what he does.
What about you? If he’s playing an age-appropriate game with the 11-year old why can’t you spend time with the 5-year old?
OP, why don’t you have 1:1 with your niece when the other 2 are busy? She’s 5 and if she’s busy with you, she’s less likely to notice that the other two are doing other things. Just present it as an opportunity for you two to do something special.
ESH
Grandpa is favoring the 11 year old and you are telling the 5 year old that Grandpa is a bully. This isn’t going to work out well for anyone.
You and your husband need to sit down and have a talk. Find out why he is favoring the 11 year old. If it’s because he doesn’t feel comfortable with little kids, then help him learn. If it’s because he resents you because he agreed to 6 months and she’s still with you 4 years later, then work that out. If it’s some other issue, solve it. Kids need unified parents, and adults need to not take their baggage out on the kids.
NTA. After reading through your reply comments I think there are a few misunderstandings people have gotten from your post.
It’s not video games the 11 yr and OPs husband are playing, it’s games that can include younger children like don’t break the ice.
The problem isn’t just the husband not playing games with the niece, but treating the niece as undesirable in her own home, of which she’s homeschooled in by OP so her whole day is with the 11yr old and OP. She wants to spend time with “Grandpa”, that’s not a crazy request??!??
Your husband is overreacting to your request. Period. Idk if this is correct but it seems like this girl may be a niece on your side of the family and so he has no blood relation to her but the grandson is just an extension of himself. You’re right for telling your niece that this behavior is wrong and mean, especially when it’s coming from family.
ETA: i referred to “grand baby” and grandson but I don’t think OP referred to their gender, so sorry if this is wrong!
These comments are CRAZY. Most not be parents. This man agreed to become a FATHER to these children. But as always everyone is just telling the woman it’s up to her to entertain the younger one. WTF. 1- we need more info from OP so we’re not left with our assumptions but from reading her replies it sounds like husbands at work and she’s mainly with the kids.
Husband is also playing BOARD GAMES with the 11yr old like Break the Ice- I play that with my 6yr old that’s an EASY game to play with a 5yr old. Games like that the 5yr old can EASILY be included. It’s fucking crazy that so many people are saying: YA YTA because oh 11yr old can do stuff that’s older and more fun for the Dad- so the 5yr old just shouldn’t even exist. Wtf is wrong with everyone.
Also OP is just stating she wants her husband to include the 5yr old in some of the stuff. There should absolutely be stuff for the 11yr old that’s age appropriate but THE SAME GOES FOR THE 5YR OLD. When Dad and 11yr old do things that are age appropriate for the 5yr old she should ABSOLUTELY be included. If (adopted) Dad is doing too much age appropriate stuff for just the 11yr old he needs to make more time to include age appropriate stuff for the 5yr old.
They have completely reformed their family and it needs to be treated as such. These are now their children. It’s going to take major adjustments from everyone but the 11yr old and 5yr old and now essentially siblings and need to be raised as such; where the 11yr old also has to make sacrifices and do younger stuff every once in a while for his new little sister. This will be extremely beneficial to both children’s growth as well.
OP you guys have done a very beautiful and very hard thing! I wish all the luck and love to your new family dynamic!
ESH (everyone sucks here) not including the kids
You more for the weird rudolf analogy. That’s kinda fucked up not going to lie. Particularly because since you got custody I’m assuming she’s been through some things and telling her people not playing with her are bullies is not a reasonable thing to do. What if she isn’t a hero like rudolf and doesn’t have a ‘shiny nose’
Your husband for not making an effort to involve your niece. He should be participating in one on one play with the niece. Honestly, and I say this as a former early childhood worker, five year olds can be so chaotic an introverted 11 year old who you also got custody of probably doesn’t have the patience to deal with it.
You’re going to give these kids a complex
Niece should be learning quiet time. Granddaughter should be learning to open up a bit.
These things cannot be forced
What about, like, Animal Crossing? Pokémon go? Just Dance?
It also doesn’t have to be a game. He can take her to the library for storytime. He can take her out for a milkshake and chat. He could have a special show that he watches just with her, or a special series, they read together. Their thing can be going to the movies, or watching baseball games, or birdwatching.
He just has to pick something and do it with her. Regularly.
I think it’s too vague to really tell. But soft NAH
So you’ve got a grandchild, which implies you sort of raised at least one child to adulthood (the sort of because IDK what circumstances led to you having custody but 🤷♀️)
Was your child an only child? Was he a loving and affectionate father? Is your grandbaby (I mean look at your own language of favoring…) a boy or a girl? Was your child a son or a daughter?
He went a long with this whole idea of raising the next generation on behalf of the ones who couldn’t so he’s got to get it together, but this behavior didn’t come out of the blue. The answers to the above will probably give you some insight.
NTA. There may be times when your husband and the older kid are playing games that aren’t appropriate for the younger kid, and she can’t join in. But the solution to that is that he needs to carve out equal time that is focused on playing with her, and doing activities that are age and temperament appropriate.
He doesn’t have to include her in everything. It’s actually good for children to get some one-on-one time with parental figures, especially in situations where their original parental figures have lost custody or abandoned them. What he needs to do is treat them to equal time with him, not necessarily include both all the time. That’s the real problem here: he’s lavishing time and attention on the elder child and not giving the younger child the same. If he’s going to play games one on one with the older child 2 days a week, he needs to carve out equal time on other days to spend with the younger child. It’s not hard for kids to understand that sometimes everyone joins in and sometimes they take turns with papa. It is terribly hard for a kid to understand why only the other kid gets to have papa’s attention, and they rarely or never do.
The Rudolph comment makes me feel like this is AI
Yta for OUR 11 year old vs MY 5 year old. Among other things