I need realistic advice. Some of you might remember me from another post about the same friend. My best friend of 16 years (we’re both 30 female now) has been in an on and off relationship with the father of her children since I’ve known her. He is the worst person on the planet. He is everything short of physical abusive. He cheats on her, steals from her and others, won’t get a real job, manipulates her, belittles her, messes the house up in DISGUSTING ways and won’t clean it, and does all different types of drugs. They have two kids and I would never call CPS on them bc SHE is a great mom. Her kids are clean, fed, and loved. She does not deserve to have her kids taken away. BUT her boyfriend is starting to use the older kid as a pawn. Purposely fighting with her (yelling) in front of him so she’ll succumb to whatever he wants so he stops yelling in front of the kids. Telling the older child that “you and mom might have to move out bc mom doesn’t love me”. He’s also sleeping in the living room (he has a bedroom) DURING THE DAY and won’t let the kids play or make noise in there so he can sleep. So they’re secluded to their room or outside.
I’ve never left our friendship because I dont want to isolate her or leave those babies but I’m yesterday the oldest one asked if they could live at Grammies house instead and I am at my witts end. How do I stand idly by? Is there ANYTHING I can do to get it through her head that it’s time to go. It is absolutely killing me to see these kids have to walk on eggshells around their father to the point where they feel better at Grammies house.
Please help
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: I need realistic advice. Some of you might remember me from another post about the same friend. My best friend of 16 years (we’re both 30 female now) has been in an on and off relationship with the father of her children since I’ve known her. He is the worst person on the planet. He is everything short of physical abusive. He cheats on her, steals from her and others, won’t get a real job, manipulates her, belittles her, messes the house up in DISGUSTING ways and won’t clean it, and does all different types of drugs. They have two kids and I would never call CPS on them bc SHE is a great mom. Her kids are clean, fed, and loved. She does not deserve to have her kids taken away. BUT her boyfriend is starting to use the older kid as a pawn. Purposely fighting with her (yelling) in front of him so she’ll succumb to whatever he wants so he stops yelling in front of the kids. Telling the older child that “you and mom might have to move out bc mom doesn’t love me”. He’s also sleeping in the living room (he has a bedroom) DURING THE DAY and won’t let the kids play or make noise in there so he can sleep. So they’re secluded to their room or outside.
I’ve never left our friendship because I dont want to isolate her or leave those babies but I’m yesterday the oldest one asked if they could live at Grammies house instead and I am at my witts end. How do I stand idly by? Is there ANYTHING I can do to get it through her head that it’s time to go. It is absolutely killing me to see these kids have to walk on eggshells around their father to the point where they feel better at Grammies house.
Please help
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Im going to suggest this because a friend telling me the truth saved me once.
You have to tell her the truth. She might know it but not want to admit it to herself yet, but the oldest child is now being emotionally abused. If she continues on her current path, her children are at risk of lifelong mental health issues.
She may be a good mom now, but a good mom does not subject her children to abuse. If she doesn’t listen to reason, it’s time to call cps. Either way, she needs to have those rose colored glasses removed.
Edit to add: the situation and how my friend handled things is personal so I won’t post, but OP, if you’d like to know to see if it fits your friends situation I will answer your message.
I would probably allow my best friend to move in with me if this were the case, but there’s other questions to be asked.. who owns the home they live in? Are they married? She’s sticking with him for a reason, find that out and you can probably level with her.
She’s not being a good mom. She’s exposed and is continuing to expose her children to abuse and that’s not what a good mother does and she needs a wake up call.
By staying in this relationship, she’s teaching her children that everything they’re experiencing is normal. They’re going to grow up and either become abusive like their father or get into horribly abusive relationships like their mother. The fact that they’re “clean, fed, and loved” does not negate the abuse and trauma they’re suffering through.
Perhaps you can just show her these comments.
She’s NOT the best mom if she’s willfully exposing her children to The Worst Person on the planet.
Her decisions are affecting her children now; in a terrible, terrible way.
And I believe you know this and it’s hard to accept. She’s a terrible mom. Keeping them fed, clean and loved are BASICS.
How about keeping them SAFE? She won’t do that. She needed to get rid of their dad and press charges. But he’s still there causing problems.
Bite the bullet and call CPS. It’s the wakeup call she needs and her kids deserve better. She’s abusing her kids by having them in that situation. You get that right? By not calling the authorities you’re aiding and abetting a child abuser. That makes you a child abuser by negligence. It’s the same as if you saw a kid about to get hit by a car and failed to intervene.
Talk to her and try to get her to see reason. If she refuses then it is time to report the abuse and endangerment of the children.
I grew up in a home where my basic needs were met. My father never physically abused my mother, though he was abusive to her in other ways. When it came to me and my siblings, he physically abused us calling it discipline. We walked on eggshells fearing to do something that might set dad off. He worked the graveyard shift so staying quiet while dad was sleeping was an ironclad rule. We were kids and there were times where we got noisy. If dad woke up, the first kid he grabbed (often me) faced his wrath.
I have several mental health issues from my childhood. It was easy to look at and define my father’s behavior, my mother’s behavior was harder to define.
The basic fact is there are two adults in that home. A parent’s job is to protect their children even if the danger is the other parent. The fact this guy brings drugs into the home makes this situation a powder keg. Your friend is an adult, she has decided not to do anything. Those children are defenseless. They need to be protected. It seems like there is a grandmother in the picture, there is a good possibility that she could take the children if CPS gets involved or take the mother and kids in if possible.
These kids need help. If not the mother, if not you, then who?
Your friend is an incredibly shitty person for subjecting her kids to this abuse. Why is enabling her abusive husband more important than protecting them?
She chose to have multiple kids and bring them into this fucked up family. Do you understand how much they have already damaged these poor kids? And now she’s more interested in enabling him than protecting her kids?
She’s a piss poor mother and I say this as someone who has gone through DV.
I have a friend with a mom like that. She doesn’t speak to her mom anymore. The same thing will happen to your friend.
I just hope those kids find a safe adult to help them out. Because if you’ve watched this shit happen for years and not called CPS, your loyalty is towards your shitty friend, not these innocent kids.
After all of this, you must have some insane audacity to call her a good mom and say she doesn’t deserve to have her kids taken away.
She IS a bad mother because good mothers don’t let their husbands abuse their kids. She absolutely deserves to have the kids taken away. It’s the only way those kids will be safe.
I did eventually get a friend leave this type of situation.
It was worse because she was the freaking stepmom not the bio mom which made it harder.
I just kept talking to her about what the kids were learning. I did almost get into a fist fight with him in the front yard at his daughter’s birthday because he showed back up high on heroin. I didn’t but I came close. I have to give theor bio mom credit here as she gt her stuff together and then took them back so my friend could leave. She stayed for the kids.
I think your friend needs to let the kids go to grandma’s house so your friend can get herself straight.
I need to make it very clear it does not make you a bad mom to let your kids go for a period of time to get your shit figured out.
Tried to talk another mom into doing something similar but the kids would go to grandma’s house. I wish she would have. She ended up losing the kids anyways and they ended up with grandma and she is a walking disaster area.
If you want to help your friend tell her to let the kids go for some time and get herself together so she can actually be there for them.
My first friend I talked about the girls have a great relationship with their bio and step mom’s. No one talks to the dad anymore.
I understand there are complexities when it comes to abusive relationships and how hard it is for someone to leave their abuser due to prolonged emotional and physical manipulation. AND, the lives of your friend and her children are more important than trying to stay out of an uncomfortable situation or uncomfortable conversation. You’re actively watching these horrible things happen to your friend and it sucks, she’s stuck in a cycle and can’t get out. The thing is, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. But those kids aren’t making the decision to stay, they can’t make any decision so they are stuck there. In a long winded metaphor: Don’t watch the house burn down when you have options to save the people inside but won’t do anything because you’re scared you could get burned too.
I was you. Eventually I called CPS. CPS did not take the kids but did open a file. Eventually, it moved up to dad wasn’t allowed to live in the house after the police had to be called at one point. She was pissed at me for awhile but she eventually got over it.
Call CPS.
Before the kids receive more trauma.
Here’s a crazy thought: next time you’re there where husband is actually doing things, see if you can SURREPTITIOUSLY record some of what’s going on.
Then another time sit her down and say to her I want you to watch this and tell me that you honestly think that this is OK. The distance and separate from time and place and not having him actually there may let her see better how this animal’s behavior affects her children. Also wouldn’t hurt to have proof when she finally wakes up and goes for child support and custody.
Help everyone but the jerk move to Grammies’ house asap!
I’m not super convinced she’s being a good mom right now. Let me clarify that she’s likely capable of being a good mom, but she’s exposing her children to emotional abuse, and the eldest is suffering from it directly.
She’d be a good mom if she got rid of the butthole she’s dating and stepped up for her kids, building a network and giving them a peaceful home. It doesn’t sound like he provides any value, anyway.
As her friend, if you love her, you’ll tell her that you love her, but her boyfriend is no good and you can’t bear to see her and her children suffer anymore. Let her know you’re there for her. Make promises to help her that you know you can keep. What happens from there is in the hands of fate.
But if she balks and cuts you off, call CPS. The kids need it.
Does friend understand how much this is messing with her kids? Maybe she’ll put up with it for herself, thinking at least her kids have a place to live, but doesn’t understand how much her kids are suffering. I bet they’re nervous all the time, shrink away, spend time sort of huddled together. never loud or playful like kids should be. Is this how she wants them to grow up, as shadow kids? To be as some of you have mentioned? She may be a good mom, but maybe her kids won’t think that of her if she voluntarily leaves them in this situation when she could have changed it. Not a mom, just an outside observer.