My fiancee and I have been together for years — double digits. Never in my life have I seen this woman instilled with such an unyielding determination than to create the perfect charcuterie board.
Thing is, I had an idea of this from all of the women I had talked to throughout life — from class, work, friends, but kept the idea dormant. A friend of mine called me a while ago and we got on the topic of charcuterie boards. She ordered one that cost $250 dollars for her and her husband’s anniversary and was complaining about a few of the ingredients missing. I roasted her for about 5 minutes on that one — $250 for THAT? Really?
She told me to STHU because “charcuterie is life”. I just shook my head and told her there’s no way in hell I’m paying $250 for a yassified Lunchable. After I said that, she laughed and asked me why I haven’t got my fiancee a charcuterie board because I mentioned getting her one a few years ago.
In truth, I didn’t get her one because I didn’t want to unlock that madness she kept imprisoned within. We both come from poor backgrounds — her situation growing up was 2-3 times worse than my own — and I’ve been robbed, jumped, almost killed in a fight from being hit in the face with hammer, domestic violence, etc. There’s a lot I control on the inside, and with her upbringing being far worse than my own, I can’t even begin to imagine her inner demons.
But, me being me, I went ahead and bought her one. Just left it on the kitchen counter along with a $249.99 gift card to an international deli about a 45 minutes away. The gift card was for $249.99 because as I’ve said previously, I’m not paying $250 for a yassified Lunchable — if my friend that called found out that I did, I would never hear the end of it — you don’t know how petty she is — seriously — you don’t. I even took a picture of the gift card receipt just in case she tries her bullcrap.
When she got home and saw the board, you’d think she just won the lottery. She wasn’t home 10 minutes before she called her sister and left to pick her up to go to spend the gift card. Those two were gone about 4 hours on a weekday — and her sister won’t go ANYWHERE if she has to work the next day. They come home, having spent an extra $100 for ingredients.
This was 5 months ago. Since then, I’ve watched this woman go from the most frugal individual I know to making it rain all in pursuit of charcuterie perfection. Since then, I’ve seen things on this board I’ve never even heard of.
Olive tapenade? Bresaola? Bacon jam? If you told me bacon jam was a thing, I would’ve never believed you before then. I’ve never had apricots or figs until she got this board; our markets don’t carry them. The closest I’ve had to a fig was a Newton.
Dates? Seriously? I have never in my life heard someone say they were looking for dates outside the realm of relationships. Now I see them on every other board she makes.
She’s ordered cheeses from out-of-state. Dude, WTF? I had no idea Monterrey Jack had a blue variant. She bought this one cheese that looked like it was found in an ashtray — it had ash all over the outside. After some research, turns out it was vegetable ash to keep pests off, but still — it was like the person that was going to eat it accidentally dropped it in an urn at a crematorium.
As off-putting as that ash cheese was, it was so damn good. As the generation after mine, Gen Z, would say, “It slapped”. Yes, I would concur. In fact, it slapped so hard, I’m considering filing assault charges on it.
I thought I’d never see prosciutto roses — I did. And the price of that stuff — $15 for 2 ounces!?
Since all this, I’ve had mixed feelings. I’ve watched the love of my past life, current life, and next life, go from personal financial advisor and level 99 cost-cutter, to a make-shift Martha Stewart without the criminal record and ankle bracelet.
I was at the lake, staring off yesterday. We had a few gatherings after she began her charcuterie quest. A friend of mine and a friend of her sister’s met at our place — they’ve been dating now for 4 months — going very well. He bought her a charcuterie board and is now dealing with the same madness I am.
Fiancee’s sister seems to be smiling a lot more now. As odd as this sounds, my fiancee is more like her sister’s husband — always smiling and truly happy. Her sister is more like myself — hardly expressive. While her sister does have a mean streak, she genuinely seems happier, as her husband bought her a charcuterie board — which sucks in a way, because now it’s like those two are in competition ONCE AGAIN.
So long as the rivalry stays healthy and no knives are thrown, I’ll ignore it.
A handful of her peers have gotten charcuterie boards and now share this hobby.
Cannot tell if I’ve opened Pandora’s Box or not, but it seems the art of charcuterie and making the perfect board to women is like finding the perfect stick in the woods to men.
Do with this information what you must.