The story goes: My bf and I (“Zoe”) have been together for years, known each other for almost a decade. He’s aware I’m self conscious with my body shape, and I’ve been to therapy for years to cope with my self esteem issue. He’s also aware his mates can be sleazy but he said they’re ‘harmless’ so the friendship continues.
Yesterday, we all went out for dinner, 3 guys, my BF, me and a female colleague of theirs (“Betty”). We’re all in our early to mid 30s. Some of them had a few beers, but I won’t say they’re drunk. Anyway, one of the guys who’s single was encouraged by the mates to date Betty since they’re both single. The guy said, ‘nah, I’m ok for now’. Then Betty started dropping hints(?) and said she’s available whenever he’s ready, ‘you’re my type’, etc. It got so obvious that the other guys kept pushing him to accept those hints.
Much of the convo was a blur to me since by that point I just thought it was stupid. My BF didn’t say anything except laughing along. Then somehow the convo evolved and someone asked the guy what’s his type, followed by a comment that ‘Betty’s ass is looking nice in those jeans, nice curves’ and a question of ‘Or you rather someone like Zoe?’
Maybe I was too sensitive? I heard that and thought they’re comparing me. My BF didn’t say anything and again, the rest of the convo was a blur and I was too upset to defend myself (I also don’t know if they’re actually insulting me or I’m over reacting)
As we drove home, I asked my BF why he didn’t defend me. He said ‘some people just have a specific body feature that looks nice, like their signature feature, and her butt looks nice in those jeans but that’s about it’. I got really upset (teary) that my BF was agreeing with the mates, maybe checking out her ass… He then said ‘honey you’re gorgeous and curvy too, she’s just got a fatter, bigger ass. Remember how one of the guys once said you’re “too pretty”?’.
FYI, I am 32B, waist 27inch, ass on the flatter side (I do squats but maybe not enough to make it round?!), wide hip (😔), 170cm. I’m guessing Betty is 155cm, same boob size but overall petite with her waist to hip curve and round ass accentuated with the tight jeans.
It’s like I’m Taylor Swift and she’s Sabrina Carpenter, and I find Sabrina hotter and cuter….
I told my BF I need some time to gather my thoughts, so I haven’t talked to him since and he’s now at work. Should I apologise to him when he’s back from work, or explain to him why he should have defended me? Please be honest if I was over reacting!
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Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/paperbagwhore’s post (if available):
The story goes: My bf and I (“Zoe”) have been together for years, known each other for almost a decade. He’s aware I’m self conscious with my body shape, and I’ve been to therapy for years to cope with my self esteem issue. He’s also aware his mates can be sleazy but he said they’re ‘harmless’ so the friendship continues.
Yesterday, we all went out for dinner, 3 guys, my BF, me and a female colleague of theirs (“Betty”). We’re all in our early to mid 30s. Some of them had a few beers, but I won’t say they’re drunk. Anyway, one of the guys who’s single was encouraged by the mates to date Betty since they’re both single. The guy said, ‘nah, I’m ok for now’. Then Betty started dropping hints(?) and said she’s available whenever he’s ready, ‘you’re my type’, etc. It got so obvious that the other guys kept pushing him to accept those hints.
Much of the convo was a blur to me since by that point I just thought it was stupid. My BF didn’t say anything except laughing along. Then somehow the convo evolved and someone asked the guy what’s his type, followed by a comment that ‘Betty’s ass is looking nice in those jeans, nice curves’ and a question of ‘Or you rather someone like Zoe?’
Maybe I was too sensitive? I heard that and thought they’re comparing me. My BF didn’t say anything and again, the rest of the convo was a blur and I was too upset to defend myself (I also don’t know if they’re actually insulting me or I’m over reacting)
As we drove home, I asked my BF why he didn’t defend me. He said ‘some people just have a specific body feature that looks nice, like their signature feature, and her butt looks nice in those jeans but that’s about it’. I got really upset (teary) that my BF was agreeing with the mates, maybe checking out her ass… He then said ‘honey you’re gorgeous and curvy too, she’s just got a fatter, bigger ass. Remember how one of the guys once said you’re “too pretty”?’.
FYI, I am 32B, waist 27inch, ass on the flatter side (I do squats but maybe not enough to make it round?!), wide hip (😔), 170cm. I’m guessing Betty is 155cm, same boob size but overall petite with her waist to hip curve and round ass accentuated with the tight jeans.
It’s like I’m Taylor Swift and she’s Sabrina Carpenter, and I find Sabrina hotter and cuter….
I told my BF I need some time to gather my thoughts, so I haven’t talked to him since and he’s now at work. Should I apologise to him when he’s back from work, or explain to him why he should have defended me? Please be honest if I was over reacting!
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That’s not ok at all, and I’d tell them not to do it again. If they didn’t respect that, I’d drop them as friends. Him agreeing with them and comparing you is messed up. So insensitive and rude.
He should have stopped talking and not say anything about “Betty’s” ass. I do believe that is disrespectful to you.
But seriously? You are perfectly fine. He is with you and he thinks you are hot. What more do you want?
You are different from “Betty” so they compare, but most likelly not in a bad way.
What does it matter that you think Sabrina Carpenter is hotter then Taylor Swift? They are both hot in their own right. And it looks like you are projecting your selfimage into others and especially on men.
And if he doesn’t think there was anything wrong with the conversation and didn’t see any harm, why should he defend you or know to defend you? If you think there was something wrong with that conversation, you should have defended yourself, and he might have backed you up on that. But you did not. And if you want him to defend you the next time, talk to him in a non accusing way. Communicate about this if this is how you feel. He might be able to explain why he didn’t think it was a big deal.
If I know something is a problem for my wife, I will defend her and I did loads of times, but my wife would not think of accusing me of not defending her for anything else when there is doubt involved. I might ask what they meant, if she spoke up. And would back her up on that.
I don’t know the guys, but I would not see any problem with their comment because they think you both look different and probably like you for who you are. Otherwise they would have chosen a waitress or someone else to make a comparisson. And yes, men can be stupid with comments and should probably think more about what they say and not just throw everything out there.
But please talk to your guy. All the points you try to make aren’t points at all, but sound more like your insecurities. If people talking about you make you feel that way, that problem isn’t gone and it is not on them to make you feel better about yourself. Especially when they haven’t said anything that is explicitly saying that. It is not like they said that he might like someone like you who is ugly or something. Men are straight forward like that. I know a lot of women who backstab when they can.
Look, different friend groups have different dynamics. I have friends where if they talked about my partner, I’d get mad, and others where even if they said she had a nice body in front of me, I wouldn’t care because I know it’s not meant to be disrespectful or hint at anything. So if your boyfriend didn’t react much, maybe maaaaybe it’s because that group’s dynamic is more casual like that.
However, whether they meant anything or not, you should talk to him about it because it bothered you. Just tell him it made you uncomfortable, insecure, mad, jealous or whatever you felt in that moment. just tell him the truth.
The rest is on him to either act like a decent man or not.
Also, whether you’re flat or curvy or whatever, it really doesn’t matter as long as you and your partner are cool with it. Body type isn’t an absolute. people have different tastes so don’t beat yourself up about it. Personally, I can’t stand huge boobs or tight, super thick bodies, but I have friends who are obsessed with that. It’s all preference, and no one should make you feel like you’re less because of what you do or don’t have.
Keep my wife’s name out yo…..
Okay, so from the context, it sounds like they weren’t comparing, they were contrasting. Fill in any blanks if there’s details that change this interpretation. It really does sound to me like they were trying to set the dude up with Betty, like you said, and when he turned it down, they wanted to get an idea of what kinda type he really has. If he doesn’t know his type, or if he doesn’t want to say it, the best way is by just pointing out a variety of diverse women and seeing if any stand out to him.
So you weren’t picked out because you’re supposed to be the opposite of Betty or something like that, you’re just a different look than her, and if there were more women there, probably most of them would end up being pointed out for having a distinct aesthetic from the rest of the group. It’s not inherently an ugly/hot dynamic, which I think is how you’re kinda taking it. To be fair to you, and for you to yourself, if your figure is something you’re in therapy for, then it’s definitely something your mind is magnetically pulled towards in a very negative way. You’re not crazy, in case you think that’s only alternative view of the scenario. No, you just have a part of your mind that’s ashamed of your body, most likely because of things from the past, and that part of your mind will do whatever it takes to convince you that your body is ruining your life (maybe not that drastic, but maybe it is, depends on the severity). This is something you probably know happens, probably talked about in therapy, and it could very well be happening here too. Maybe this could be a fantastic opportunity to spot this mental trickery and self torture in action. You caught it red handed! This could be really helpful, may even find a clue hiding in the complex feelings and thoughts that are present in this situation. I know I have certain specific phrases that repeat in my head when I’m in certain headspace, and that’s been my clue to know “oh, okay, I’m having a panic attack,” or “ah, I’m super depressed, maybe I should hold off on judging myself until I feel more normal.”
Sorry this is so wordy! So I definitely think you had a false positive there, and if your bf was right about them actually saying out loud that you’re pretty, then you definitely have nothing to worry about. I think their friend group is a little immature, imo, but either way they presented you as a different kind of hot women, I’m contrasted with the way Betty was seen as hot. Not all hot women have the same features, and I know you know that, but in your self description the only, ONLY thing you listed that wasn’t just a simple stat was about your butt, and a bit about your hips too. I imagine the hips is part of the butt thing, which makes sense. I know it’s just one instance, but it’s still good to look at as an example. In this situation you described, you were either the buttless anti-Betty, or you were the second half of the hottie pair. Then you describe yourself, and how did you do it? You basically apologized/made excuses for being not good enough, and nowhere did you linger to explain your gifts. What is hot about you? Stop apologizing for not having Betty’s butt. If Betty’s butt is necessary for hotness, then she’d be a goddess and that dude would have to be gay to not find her gorgeous. There’s so, so much more to like about women, and if you think you need it all, then you’re genuinely looking for any excuse to degrade yourself. Again, it’s okay. Yes, it’s unhealthy, but seeing it and really letting yourself realize how much you lie to yourself is all that matters here. The last thing you need is to self criticize about how much you self criticize, you know what I mean?
Wow, wrote waaaay too much. Feel free to dm me if you’d want to talk! I could definitely be wrong about literally everything here, but from what I read, that’s the only way I can see it. You’re wonderful! And hopefully one day you’ll realize the little girl you used to be got to grow up into a pretty woman.