How to stop lusting/ checking out women?
I’m in a relationship. I’m a 30 yr old man. There’s been ups and downs in my relationship like all others but I love my girlfriend and am definitely attracted to her.
Before her and with her, I sometimes have found myself lusting, just checking girls out, maybe imagining them naked/ fantasizing a bit, and just being lustful. Looking at every girls ass, and flirting/ being too friendly if a girl flirts or gives me attention, and I’m in a relationship and DONT want to cheat. I don’t want to give up my love to explore and have fun. I don’t want to hurt and damage my future with my woman.
How do I stop? How did you stop? And those in a relationship, how do you not flirt or check girls out consistently ?
I have therapy scheduled next week and I will bring this up.
***EDIT- my girlfriend found this post and is now shaming me for it. Why even bother trying to improve lol guess concealing shit and lying is obviously is the better method smh.
EDIT #2 – ^ that was sarcasm, for the women in the back. It sucks being demonized for trying to seek help and improve. Expected
Comments
Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/OGClouds420’s post (if available):
How to stop lusting/ checking out women?
I’m in a relationship. I’m a 30 yr old man. There’s been ups and downs in my relationship like all others but I love my girlfriend and am definitely attracted to her.
Before her and with her, I always have found myself lusting, just checking girls out, imagining them naked, and just being lustful. Looking at every girls ass, and flirting if a girl flirts or gives me even a bit of attention, and I’m in a relationship and DONT want to cheat. I don’t want to give up love to explore and have fun. I don’t want to hurt and damage my future with my woman.
How do I stop? How did you stop? And those in a relationship, how do you not flirt or check girls out consistently ?
I have therapy scheduled next week and I will bring this up.
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How do you stop doing anything? You start by making a decision about what you’ll allow yourself to do, and what you don’t. It’s the same with “lusting” as with smoking or drinking or eating stuff you know you shouldn’t eat, or some porn habit or other that might be questionable. You make a decision and then apply whatever effort is necessary to follow through. Or maybe you fail once or twice and suffer with some painful outcome that winds up being a lesson learned, which will help you the next time around.
I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff myself and made a lot of mistakes, but I never cheated on a girlfriend. Things like quitting drinking were harder, but I’d guess it’s the same kind of thing mentally; you have to set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. A lot of people are no good at that, or never developed the kind of mindset or self-honesty that is necessary. Trying is at least a good thing.
I turned to Christ and read the Bible. It’s been changing my life for the better! Try it man start praying to Christ, you’ll lose that lust problem with a stronger connection to God.
Nothing wrong with looking at the menu as long as you dont order.
Most couples would agree looking and even light flirting is no issue. Just don’t move past that point and don’t make it obvious in front of the SO.
You cant close your eyes but you can make the decision not to look intentionaly a womens body. Its a conscious decision you have to make and with time and practice it will get better.
You will always check out woman man! its in our nature. just done touch her butt
You don’t stop !
It never goes away !
It doesn’t matter how awesome your wife is !
Monogamy or Monotony ????
Neither is normal….
Personaly I think it’s an aspect of human nature, there’s nothing wrong with appreciating the beauty of another. The issue is being respectful and understanding boundaries. Fantasy is just that a fantasy, be it a woman, a man, anything in between etween or without, we all do it.
It never goes away completely, but porn consumption is a big contributor
you are married, not dead!
You are in a relationship not dead. You will always find other women attractive.
Now lusting? That term means… a lot. It’s not just finding other women attractive or anything. That is like actively wanting to fuck and pursue other women.
I can assure you, your partner checks out other men and flirts with them as well. Flirting and checking other people out is fine and not harmful as long as that is where it stops.
> and I’m in a relationship and DONT want to cheat.
Then don’t. Cheating is a choice. It’s that simple. You choose to not cheat. Nobody can make you cheat. Nobody can force you to have consensual sex with them.
Stop acting like you aren’t in control of yourself. If you genuinely feel like you cannot control yourself around other women, you need to seek therapy for that.
Respect for wanting the right thing here. Desire to do right in this area is rare and a big part of the battle.
You have to be able to acknowledge beauty without letting it rule you. If we pretend the beauty is not there, we fool ourselves. If the beauty acknowledgement turns into desire and lust, we are setting a trap for our minds, hearts and eventually our bodies.
We see it as manly to have lots of women, but it’s actually weak. Be satisfied with one, it’s the best.
Takes willpower/ self control/ mindfulness
I used to think it was no big deal and not harmful but at some age it becomes a matter of respecting yourself, your partner and strangers enough to not gawk
Attraction is normal. You’re not going to stop finding people attractive just because you’re in a relationship. What matters is how you manage your attention and your actions, that you can absolutely train.
The ‘first look vs second look’ rule others have mentioned is a good practical habit. It’s not about shame, it’s about attention control.
Also, be wary of advice that starts turning this into ‘you’re disrespecting women just by having thoughts.’ That’s moral posturing, not practical help, and it is rarely useful for moving away from unwanted behavior without side effects. Having sexual thoughts about someone is not inherently disrespectful or harmful, thoughts are private, what matters is what you choose to do with them. Managing your focus and not letting it bleed into behaviour that would disrespect your partner, that’s what matters (albeit there’s an asterix around what disrespect means since that differs from one relationship to the next).
Cutting back on porn can help reset your baseline, but don’t expect it to magically erase attraction. You’re managing your attention, not trying to switch off being a human being. There are plenty of people who consume porn without this issue, and plenty who don’t consume porn but still struggle with it. If you consume porn it can be a good starting point but it’s unlikely to solve the problem in and of itself because more likely than not porn consumption would be a symptom of your attention problem rather than the cause.
You’re on the right track overall dude. Don’t let people guilt you into thinking you’re broken just for being a man with a sex drive. Focus on behaviour, discipline, and respect for your partner, that’s all this is at the end of the day.
I think we are programmed to look at them. So no worry
I always say God gave you eyes to admire the world around you and as long as it stops at that you are all good!
As a nun once said, “I’m allowed to look at the menu, I just can’t order”
Welcome to being a man. I’m 50. My girl is absolutely fucking bomb. In every respect. Kind wonderful sexy and naughty. Id never cheat. But sometimes something catches your eye.
I recently found a way to rephrase how I see attractive people in my head and it’s working out well so far.
Instead of focusing on body features, I will say “she is very distracting today”
This gives a subtle nod to my attraction to her as well as not crossing any boundaries. I did try to pretend everyone is a block of tofu but suppression doesn’t work well in the long run.
Saying out how you feel in a calm manner weakens the feeling. Even saying, “I feel like talking to her” makes it less likely to do so because you have already expended some of the emotional energy.
Stop watching porn, stop using social media as much, stop giving yourself excuses to look elsewhere. The deeper your connection is with your partner on a physical and an emotional and spiritual level, the less likely you care about all these other women. Lusting after other women is usually a sign that you are not as deeply involved with your partner as you should be.
I think it’s ok to look sometimes. I just don’t entertain other women and I try to be respectful. My girl likes to look with me sometimes too
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You have to respect and love your girl enough to go out of your way to avoid situations that can jeopardize your relationship.
For me I try practicing “absorbing” the beauty of a woman I find attractive into me, almost as if they were blessing me, versus sending out a signal that I find them attractive and could potentially “want” something from them.
So basically instead of sending energy out, just letting myself enjoy their beauty without feeling “wanting”
But ngl it’s hard to do this 100% of the time, attraction never lies
the most important is, you wont give up on her
pretty sure your partner also admired other men, relationship is more complex than attractiveness, when you attract to someone, it doesn’t always mean you actually want to build relationship with them
Honestly, have you sat down with your girl and shared these feelings with HER? Like, that’s big… Being vulnerable with her. Idk… Maybe she’d be upset cause you’d be admitting to checking out other girls but at least you’re “coming clean” about it and also showing her that you’re at least identifying the ‘issue’ and hope to improve it.
Is your girlfriend emotionally mature?
Sounds pretty normal to me as long as you have self control and never cheat and also don’t be a pig, checking out other girls when you’re with her. I know all my married lady friends open admit to checking out guys. When one sees a sexy body, one appreciates.
Work up to a conversation with your girlfriend about what would constitute ‘cheating’ in the relationship. Maybe flirting isn’t over the line for either of you if it’s with strangers never to be seen again.
I think if you actually get to know women as more than just beauty or hot bodies the energy will change.
Women have pasts. They have dreams. They have hurts and insecurities and issues and strengths and quirks. They are not just bodies or faces or whatever else you’re looking at.
Reducing women in this way is something people do when they are profoundly threatened by a beautiful woman’s power over them.
Maybe if you start seeing beyond the bodies you won’t immediately knee jerk when faced with beauty.
I highly recommend listening to a female podcaster, following a regular woman that you find interesting on ig, having conversations with women you are close to etc. Get cozy with women as people and I think you’ll find a lot of the relief you’re seeking.
Everyone is different. There are very attractive people out there like movies and magazines. All eye candy. You know the consequences. Your intentions are not to cheat and be committed to only her. If you’re flirting in front of your girl, I think you’re already hurting her feelings. I try to imagine what my gf would think of Me and reframe my focus. I feel like it’s natural too unless you’re going out of your way to please another woman.
I’d be surprised to find out my gf doesn’t find something attractive in another guy, maybe an accent, strong hands or something I would’ve never thought of. I trust her well enough for her own reasons not to cheat. I think it goes both ways.
Maybe therapy will have something to help out or give you a better direction in your journey to minimize your lustful urges.
This is very natural and instinctive reaction. I’m in my 50s and still notice attractive women. I just try to focus on what I am doing or who I am with. Basically ignore them.
I think I will have to ask sensible question to understand your situation better rather than telling you that you are afraid of beautiful woman’s powering over you LOL reddit is crazy.
Your situation is pretty similar to what I have faced in the past. I found that lack of physical intimacy was the issue for me. Try taking time and asking yourself these questions. Only you can solve these issues yourself. There is nothing wrong here, just lack of awareness.
this is natural. bury it.
I can relate to this and here’s how I’ve moved forward from lust to connection:
I have completely gotten it out of my system – been with all my ‘fantasy’ women, so to speak. Because of this, they no longer have power over me. When I do start dating someone again, it will be a relationship based on commitment and connection, period.
I had lots of sex – went through a ‘rampage period’ where relationships were based purely on satisfying mine and hers sexual needs. Once I did this enough, I learnt the quick diminishing rate of returns. Voluntary celibacy after this becomes a beautiful thing.
Therapy + sex therapy.
Be clear and communicate your needs. This is a must. If your relationship is based on connection and commitment, communication must be a foundational pillar to this. If your partner doesn’t understand your needs, then it’s time to reassess the basis of your relationship.
I think you’re over thinking it
if you have sex twice today you’re not going to be looking at other women. looking around is a symptom of being sexually unfulfilled
Try being single for a while
Your girl should keep your desires satisfied. Can’t be lusting if you’re always “drained”.
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Y’all in the cult called Christianity. It’s a biological issue in many men, many times can be increased by childhood access to certain events. You can work on it and just do that. GF needs to chill. It’s equal to women craving support and stability
You can’t. There is nothing (healthy) that you can do to stop having sexual thoughts about women. These are normal urges that are biologically preprogrammed in to encourage you to make as many babies as possible. Obviously, making as many babies as possible isn’t a thing you should do, but the only choice you have is how you act on the urge. That said, you may want to consider that you secretly (maybe even to yourself) have doubts about your relationship because this could be adding to the problem. You say this isn’t the case, but if she’s shaming you for seeking help that will strengthen your relationship maybe you should be having doubts.
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Accept that you are human.
Your biology dictates your attraction towards females of our species.
Be an intelligent man and control your reactions in front of your woman. AND NEVER ACT ON IT
Surrender it to God pray whenever thoughts come up turn away and don’t double look at the woman youre attracted to before the thought comes up to list after her remind yourself what the word of God says and repeat the verses until the temptation passes reach out to others for support when you’re tempted but ultimately ask God for help Jesus died for our sins so we can overcome lust and all sins through the blood of Jesus Christ.
As a married man, I often point out attractive women and my wife will point out attractive men. The difference is, is that neither of us would ever act on it.
Feeling lust doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a human.
Have the urge, then take out that urge on your partner.
Sucks she found it but I think most all woman, once they are maybe more experienced realize men look and lust a bit. Even woman check out woman, they are the best gem on this earth in my opinion. My wife will catch me and joke about it, but I won’t do anything and she knows that. I never understood cheating, it’s quite easy to play the field and be free if that’s the life you want. But can get lonely at times if you’re the type that needs companionship.
Step 1: don’t cheat.
Step 2: stop fucking worrying about anything else.
I never stopped checking women out. To be fair, I check men out too. So does my wife. We’re both outgoing people. We’ve been at parties where we both kind of flirt with other people. I had one party where one of my buddies came to me and was like “Hey, one of the old guys is getting pretty flirty with your wife” and I checked in and immediately knew she was messing with him. As long as she’s coming home with me and I’m going home with her, we’re cool.
I knew her taste in both men and women and she knows mine. We have very different tastes in men and women. But we both know doing anything is completely off the table. It’s fun, it’s light hearted, we don’t take things too seriously.
You can look at the menu, but you just got to eat at home.
Ur a dude.. this is normal…it wont ever go away..
You don’t. It’s simple. You have those feelings and you don’t give in to them. Looking at a woman is almost entirely automatic, but you stop it once you realise you’re doing it. You start with the perspective you already have, and build on that.
Though, if that edit is correct and she’s giving you shit for it, are you really sure she’s worth the effort?
You don’t. You can wither control your urges which are primal or you cannot. Simple as that.
I’m a happily married man (25 yrs), 56 YO, and my wife and I check out men and women together and she knows that I am a student of beauty. Our philosophy is that it doesn’t matter where we get hungry as long as we eat at home.
It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home…
Bro posted from his main. That was his mistake.
You can’t stop it. It’s either you control your lust, or lust will control you.
For me, once I learned to truly value my relationships, the lustful thoughts went away. It took quite a few failed relationships before I finally got there.
Its normal, even women have this too.
As long as you dont act on it, then you’re all good.
It never stops, bro.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, OR try to shame you for your biological programming.
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years, and it’s still the same today as it was 21 years ago.
You just don’t act on any of it.
Babe,
Stop snooping on my posts.
Your girlfriend found this post? How does this shit happen? Do you guys really just give people your Reddit usernames?
it’s normal bro, but if your in a relationship that you committed to you just don’t act on the impulse. You only act with your gf or wife. Even when your 60+ with ED you will still look at women and imagine. It’s programmed in dna of men and women to want to mate. no therapist would try to remove this from and if they do it would ruin your relationships with women. One of the key things that turn women on is the look of desire. Women want to be desired they to also fantasize when they see men they want. It’s programmed in our dna in order to reproduce.
“you gotta get those numbers up, those are rookie numbers” – mcconaughey
Fortunately my wife understood that the desire is always there. She admitted women have the desire but maybe not as strong.
It is something we live with. Just because I see and desire other women doesn’t mean I am going to cheat. Try not to build on the fantasies. The more you feed that the greater it becomes. We are sexual beings.
Part of the beauty of being only with your wife is that it is a sacrifice. True love sacrifices for those they love. It means you love her more than just yourself and that you love her more than continuing to have sex with other women.
Your fidelity to your wife while still having sexual desire for women in general shows your love and commitment towards her. Recognize that as a beautiful thing.
Keep building your relationship with your wife. It will yield great benefits for both you and her if ya’ll do it right.
Look but don’t touch. It’s normal to find other women attractive, it’s not normal to jeopardize your relationship for a girl that you have no romantic feelings for tho. Think of what’s important and let it guide you like the North Star. Use my life’s motto: “ Just because you have a dick, doesn’t mean you have to be one.”
Accept that it is only lust, and that were you to follow your list, post-nut clarity would be a motherfucker.
Yes, I lust. But what I am not imagining is a life partnership, sharing adventures, supporting each other through grief.
The lust sees a fleeting moment, nothing more.
What bullshit just go with the flow
Other than stop watching porn, what worked best for me was thinking about how difficult, stressful, and frustrating dating was. Also, how, if I caught my wife doing what I do, how annoyed I would be. I also found that I looked at and lusted over other women far less after we had been intimate. Seemed like four days was the length of time I wouldn’t do so. So, since my mind works best when I’m solving a problem. I thought about and talked with my wife about how to create a habit of us being intimate at least twice per week.
Interestingly, that was a struggle at first, how do I get my wife to be more in the mood. I found that that meant I had to focus on her more than I was used to, I would set an alarm to send a cute, flirty text several times a day, randomly send her flowers to her work, figuring other women would be envious and tell my wife, arrive home early, and clean or cook or do something to show i was thinking about her.
Not only did this work, and my wife felt that I was thinking about her more, but what really started to happen was that I was fantasizing more about my wife and not even seeing other women. Our love making became more exciting and far more enjoyable. We went from “wanna have sex?” To “get your ass in here now, I want you.” Or watching a movie together and she’d go to the bathroom and jump me when shed return. Or she’d just pause the movie, drop a pillow on the floor and get to business. After that occurring several times a week, I had blinders on and didn’t even notice when a ln attractive woman walked my, my friends would point someone out and id be like yeah whatever.
Hope this helps.
You don’t really ever stop checking out women. The way you’re talking about it makes it seem like you’ve been brainwashed by some extreme form of christianity. the only problematic bit is the flirting/being too friendly bit.
Good luck
Normal. Be an adult and don’t act on it.
Get your appetite on the street but go home to eat
You don’t have to quit noticing women, just don’t do it when your woman is around, that’s disrespectful. In theory, a little flirting is harmless if you’re out alone, but don’t be stupid, you never know when one of her girlfriends might see you. Just don’t. Have pure intentions and be discreet about checking women out. Follow those two rules and enjoy your life my dude.
FYI, women check out dudes all the time. They just have much better peripheral vision so it goes by mostly unnoticed.
Commit to marriage, Have more sex with your wife, keep your distance with other women (look but stop at that), join the gym and stay focused and consistent in the gym in order to develop a habit of loving yourself and looking good. The gym helps you gain self control.
This just means that you’re a heterosexuell man. She should be happy with you if she trust you and feel confident in herself. But how many girls are like this? Almost none, I bet.
You can’t.
“it’s okay to get hungry while out and about, just make sure you eat at home”
You obviously dont love your girlfriend that much. I can’t even fathom finding anyone more attractive than my wife to be