Not talking about therapy or venting to a buddy.
I mean the stuff that sits in your chest or gut, tension, stress, grief, anger and doesn’t go away just because you talk about it or think positive.
Do you ever notice how often you’re in your head, replaying things, avoiding things, or distracting yourself?
Have you ever tried actually feeling through it like letting it move through your body instead of bottling it up or numbing it?
I’ve been exploring some ways of working through that stuff physically, not mentally and it’s been powerful.
Have you ever done any kind of work that helped you release old emotional weight?
Do you believe that kind of somatic release is real?
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Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/CoachBob19’s post (if available):
Not talking about therapy or venting to a buddy.
I mean the stuff that sits in your chest or gut, tension, stress, grief, anger and doesn’t go away just because you talk about it or think positive.
Do you ever notice how often you’re in your head, replaying things, avoiding things, or distracting yourself?
Have you ever tried actually feeling through it like letting it move through your body instead of bottling it up or numbing it?
I’ve been exploring some ways of working through that stuff physically, not mentally and it’s been powerful.
Have you ever done any kind of work that helped you release old emotional weight?
Do you believe that kind of somatic release is real?
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I’ve experienced some of this in my life, but didn’t really realize it until I was 30 or so. Doing DBT work has helped a ton.
I think everyone does, to some extent.
Therapy and doing physical stuff outdoors has helped me a ton.
Going outdoors is usually when I do most of my reflection/processing. It does no good to keep it suppressed. And going out in nature is a really good way for me to put things in perspective. Really figure out what things matter, and how much.
I think a lot of guys hold stuff without noticing. Moving, breathing, or just sitting with it can help way more than overthinking it
Honestly, as a single father of two boys, there’s this heavy feeling all the time but, time heals, and what I did was to spend most of my time with my boys, I focused more on my job and during spare time I play online with my buddies. I was always told by my old man that as men we cannot be discouraged in life and have to keep fighting.
Yes, it’s pretty normal
I’m reading “Healing Trauma” and a lot of what it talks about resonates with a lot of things that hinder me, I’m trying to feel them but it’s very difficult not to go overboard.
At least I have a better notion of those bodily sensations, and when faced with situations that paralyze me and focusing on the sensations, I remembered things that I had already forgotten.
I often pay attention to how an emotion feels in my body….is it heavy, light, etc.? Where do I feel it? This doesn’t make the feeling go away, but it helps me to dissociate a bit from it and get more comfortable with a feeling. Ultimately, we have feelings for a reason and it’s okay to have them…..I’ve just gotten more comfortable at feeling uncomfortable.
I had to to to therapy, there was no other way around.
Only way to deal with it is to get help. Therapy is one avenue.
In my opinion men as a whole have lost the emotional regulation skills that defined the gender for a millennia. I personally do not believe in the pent up male emotion theory. I think men just dont have the skills to deal with their emotions any more…. mostly because the last three decades have been a push my society to demonize those qualities. Thats just my personal opinion. Ive been to war, Ive been a first responder and seen insane carnage, death, and disgusting acts most humans can only imagine about. Ive had to watch a girl I love die at a young age. And those experiences have really fucked with me. But ive never felt like being stoic was the same thing as just bottling those emotions up. Stoicism personally saved my life and I think its one of the best skills for most men to master.
Yes. With overwork, being a fuckboi or alcohol
Sure it can definitely be real. The standard way of doing things is to symbolize experiences into language to the best of our ability. This brings order to our experiences. It’s the things we don’t or can’t translate into words that can turn nasty and affect your mental health.
Physical processing you could view as a more temporary state of relief and regulation, whereas language is the thing that actually will give a place to experiences in a way that is more permanent. As such it’s not a bad strategy by any means, as it has more benefits than regulation alone, but the clue is that without language it likely wouldn’t work long term. But that isn’t an issue for most people, we are story telling creatures by nature. Well, to nuance, most of us are, those who aren’t carry a risk with them for being overwhelmed by experience due to lack of being able to regulate and place experiences.
I’ve never understood the process of “feeling through it”. When I feel intense negative emotions, it doesn’t help process anything for me to feel my feelings. It might play itself out eventually but it doesn’t go away, it’s just that my mind and body can’t stay in an agitated or depressed state for unhealthy amounts of time. So I don’t get the whole “reliving your trauma psychologically” thing. I think there might be something to somatic body work, but I haven’t tried anything along those lines.
I’d be curious about your methods of working through stuff physically.
Therapy.
It helped me understand why I was feeling the way I was and ultimately reprogrammed my brain to feel happier.
It may be a joke (Ronald P Vincent) to some but I do believe in the relief of a good cry.
I never think one straight thing solves those problems. I think you do need to talk to someone cause only through talking to someone who asks you the right questions can you truly more easily explore your emotions. Finding an outlet for those emotions such as physical workout/sport or medium like art or writing. I also think practices like mindfulness through things like meditation can help. I think having a combination of multiple things can help. Men are not taught to process our emotions and if you are older it’s harder acquiring the skill after so many years. They say after late 20’s it is harder to change your brain wiring
Just bury it deep down and don’t think about it. Carry on
I posted the other day but I had been sitting on emotions since my uncle passed. I was going through something stressful and he kept coming up in my mind. I realized even though I had thought about him and my feelings I never actually processed them.
So when I got home I sat down at the table and spoke all my thoughts and feelings out. Something about actually putting thoughts and emotions into words is cathartic. The stressful thing has mostly passed and when I think of my uncle I’m not longer feeling those added stressful thoughts and emotions.
While I personally didn’t need to go to therapy it may be helpful to do so. But it really depends on what someone is grappling with.
Men don’t process their emotions by “feeling through it”. We are not women, questionable solutions that might work for women mostly don’t work for men.
So stop trying to feminize us, it doesn’t work, it creates disfunctional men who can’t function effectively in society and get crushed by it.
Read about Norah Vincent who pretended to be a man to write a book. The plan was to be “undercover” for a year, but just a few months in she suffered a mental breakdown, depression, checked herself in a mental health facility and unfortunately she commited suicide.
More and more research surfaces lately that femine methods of solving issues are actually harming men. Many types and approaches of therapy for men and boys we see today will be seen retrospectivelly in the future as a savage brutality like lobotomy and electroshock therapy is seen today.
A) I think that’s pretty universal, because despite how our society likes to talk about them, our mind and body are the same thing. You can’t separate them. What happens to one happens to the rest.
B) I don’t know what you mean by “not therapy” when there is somatic work is an entire discipline in therapy. That feeling that doesn’t just go away? That’s what therapy helps you explore and untangle. Sometimes it helps the feeling goes away, sometimes it just makes it easier to live with.
C) not to backseat diagnose or anything, but maybe you should talk to a therapist or doctor about anxiety. Happy, healthy brains don’t tend to ruminate, but a depressed or anxious brain sure as f*ck will
I have and there are some you can’t feel through it. It’s not necessarily repression, either. There’s things that you can’t solve and you either have to let it go or find a way to deal with it. Yeah, I think most things can be healthily dealt with, but there are plenty that can’t.
There is no one solution to things that are on your mind. However you manage to not focus and repeat on them is a solution. This might be putting it behind you without feeling it or processing it.
Is there any other state of being?
Yes. I have studied and attained non-medical certifications as a Meditation teacher, EFT/TFT Master Practitioner, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy practitioner and am working on my certification as a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy practitioner. Many are unaware that we all have brain cells in our hearts as well as in our gut.
If you have suppressed anger, anxiety, phobias and particularly PTSD, they require a physical component to the treatment to be effective. It is stored in your body as well as the brain and mind. I speak from experience and have also experienced the positive results as a confirmed sceptic.
Also, the subconscious mind is much more powerful in determining who we are than any conscious intention.
Some thoughts on past experiences (things I’ve said or could have said or should have said) resurface periodically. I first came to understand them as “shower thoughts”, but know they happen at all times of the day/night.
They can fester if you ruminate on them for too long, many come and go as the years have gone by (only 35M).
The things I used to sit and think about from middle school and high school are all “resolved” now (they don’t come back as easily and can be pushed away for happier or more present thoughts).
Having a loving partner for almost 20 years has helped me share what I feel like I can share. I have felt some of the feelings that I can’t share enough to feel like they no longer burden me. Some things I may never share, they will weigh me down from time to time.
But I think there will always be experiences, thoughts and feelings, that come and go like this; resting in corners of my subconscious biding their time.
Knowing when they are affecting me enough that they start to affect my relationships and my life, that is when I try to address them the most; otherwise I deal with what I can day by day.
The most important thing I ever learned, I remember it being on the door to my 6th and 8th grade math classes (same teacher): If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change how you feel about it.
“Nachbeben” by Alligator is a good song that came out a few years ago that really resonated with me. It’s about taking time for processing what is happening and how you feel about it.
I have friends I play hobbies with, focusing on them makes the past seem close (long time friends) but also good, not pressing or weighing me down. My wife and I make sure to go on dates at least a couple times a month to spend time away from the pressures of our lives.
TLDR: I’ve not been to therapy since I was 12 and should go again. I think it’s helpful if you can afford it and find the right person.
Everyone holds onto some hurt in their life.
Life can suck for everyone in someway. Some have it worse than others but my point still stands.
It’s how a individual (man or woman) deals with that trauma and what they do with it and grow from it
I seek therapy and confide in my loved ones or I just let hobbies put me in a better place. I don’t want to dwell on my past hurt and let it hurt me more than it already has.
Unfortunately I’m pretty sure none of my family actually likes me besides my dad. I’ve never really been overly included in much while growing up. I’ve missed a lot of trips and had to stay home alone to either watch the dogs or do something else. And unfortunately that’s kind of just turned into me not feeling connected with any of my family except some with my dad. He wasn’t very active in my life either but that was more for him having to work really hard. Idk I’ve always just kinda felt like a lesser family member and now with my sister getting married and them treating my now brother in law like the son they always wanted it just kinda hurts. (Btw I have nothing against him for this. He’s a really cool guy. But i still can’t help but crave belonging.) this is something I’ve never talked to anyone in my life about, i don’t mind positing it on reddit because whatever, I probably just sound like I’m a whiny bitch but i don’t think i could ever face anyone in person and tell them.
I would suggest you visit r/longtermtre if you haven’t already.
I think to a certain extent this is true. Trauma can certainly be ‘stored’ in different parts of the body from my own experience. Somatic body experiencing is proving to be very helpful for me in this regard – however my background is pretty complex and I suppressed an awful lot of strong emotions as a child because I had to at the time. So perhaps it’s not not a universal truth? I guess it depends on if you feel like certain emotions haven’t been felt and they need to be released? Everyone is different.
>Do you think most men carry unresolved emotional weight in their bodies
Every guy I’ve ever known in this life has borne some kind of emotional trauma/conflict. I myself have plenty from my less-than-ideal childhood. Those guys I mentioned? They never spoke about their issues. Men seldom do, because society doesn’t respect men. Let alone offer a sympathetic ear.
I can’t say I have a specific strategy to combat any such trauma and unresolved emotional conflict, but being aware of it is half the battle., but any practical advice or nuggets of wisdom I may offer mostly have to do with engaging in hobbies that are meant to de-stress and recharge your batteries.
One way I do that is by hiking my local mountains. Life seems so small and insignificant when you are 2000ft above sea level and the ambiance gives you plenty of reasons to be appreciative and grateful of life.
Sounds like a strategy of avoidance, am I right?
Just forget about them, if they are past they should stay in past. Present is where you are making your future.
Accept the things you can’t change, and spend your energy looking forward, not back.
Sometimes you can do everything right, and still fail.
Learning to deal with that is a valuable skill, but nothing worth having comes easy.