For reference, we’re both in our late 20s and I have been with him for 5 years. We’ve had some rough patches, including financial struggles, mental health issues, and last year has been especially tough since he was unemployed so I had to stretch my paycheck and manage all purchases to make sure there’s enough money by the end of the month. I assume I became less pleasant to be around, but eh, who wouldn’t. I still did my best not to make him feel bad about this and I’ve been masking most of my negative emotions.
Recently, he started a new job and thankfully, it seems to be going well, but he did become more confrontational about stupid things. Essentially often picking at stuff I say in a frustrating way.
Last night he came home after spending time with his family (he seemed more sarcastic and snappy than usual), and we talked about an upcoming concert. It’s an hour away and starts late, and we usually drink at concerts, so I mentioned I wasn’t sure about going since it doesn’t seem safe to drive that late and he usually has a few drinks at concerts too. He replied mockingly, like, “Uh oh, so what?” and “Fine, I just won’t drink.” I said, jokingly, “But that’s torture” and he suddenly snapped: “Not everyone’s an alcoholic. Or an alcoholic in the making. Not everyone needs to drink to have fun.”
It really hurt. I didn’t respond, I just started tearing up. I have a history of using alcohol to cope with untreated anxiety, but I’m on medication now and mostly drink socially, once a week or less. I usually meet my friends on Friday around 6 PM and we hang out and talk at a bar until 10 PM or so. We don’t binge drink or go to parties, we mostly talk about our shared memories (we all moved from the same city and have been either lifetime friends or friends for over a decade, so it feels “safe” to be around them; we also mostly talk about our mental health and are all seeing a professional). But I did have a problem as a teen, my father was abusive and I used alcohol as a coping mechanism. So I’m no longer sure if I still have a problem. Additionally, last weekend, I came back from my friend’s birthday and I took some beers that I wanted to share with my BF, who also likes to have a drink on the balcony every once in a while. He wasn’t in the mood and I didn’t feel like going to bed, so I drank two beers alone while texting with my family (they live in different countries). This was obviously a poor idea since I had a headache the next day that I could have avoided. I recently started Prozac, and I think it affected something in me that allows me to feel happy when buzzed (previously, I didn’t really feel happy at any point I think, just trying to get through).
After he said that to me out of the blue last night, he realized it was mean and soon came back and apologized, said he feels like shit, he’ll make it up to me, etc, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I shut down emotionally and just dissociated for a while, I was also crying involountarily, probably due to SSRIs. It was hard because the previous experiences with my dad were kinda flashing before my eyes, I remembered once he was screaming at me for needing some medication for a yeast infection and didn’t want to give me the money, and I felt powerless, angry, sad, frustrated, didn’t know what to do so I sneakingly opened one of his whiskey bottles and took some sips.
He also said something about “this is what spending time with my family does to me” but I’m not sure if he meant they drink too or that they’re emotionally draining. I’m overall confused about everything, he drinks as well, but admittedly, less than me, I think. But he also has a beer alone every once and a while or with dinner. Anyhow, I took my anxiety meds after that and it helped, I also noticed he has been crying so I comforted him.
I don’t know if this was a one-off or if he’s saying something deeper about how he sees me. I’m scared he thinks less of me, I’m scared I have a big problem that I don’t fully see. Sorry for the long post, just felt like it would help to vent.
Comments
Once a week social drinking in your 20s isn’t close to being an alcoholic in training. Seems really uncalled for
It’s so frustrating how something offhand can wound you so deeply, and it’s okay to feel confused about where you stand… but what matters is that you’re suggesting on this, which shows you care, remember, your worth isn’t measured by drinking or not drinking, and there’s strength in looking at things honestly. You’re not alone in this, and I hope you find some peace soon.
I might get downvoted for this, but this is kind of low-key controlling. It’s subtle, but it’s controlling behavior.
You really need to talk to him about this, find out if your alcohol consumption and hangovers the next day genuinely bother or concern him. Be honest about your confusion about the topic and the feelings it brings up. It sounds like he’s bottled something up, snapped at you, and regretted it. If you both open up more and share your thoughts in a calm and healthy way, it won’t get to the point where it leads to snapping and being rude.
And ask him what he meant about the effect of his family on him!
I’m glad you were able to realize that drinking was not the right way to handle your anxiety, it seems like it helps at first but it really just makes things worse, I learned that the hard way. Did you ask him why he was crying? That and the family comment make me think he doesn’t actually feel that way, something happened with his family that upset him and lashed out at you. That’s not great, but communication is needed here.
You two need to talk this through, because either you do have a problem and should cut back, or you have a controlling boyfriend and should go back to being single.
From what you posted I think it’s the latter, but I may just be picking up your own biases.
If you’ve been honest in your post, you do not have a drinking problem. I’m sorry your boyfriend said that to you. Him feeling bad is not an excuse to be mean to you. You don’t deserve to be insulted because his parents made him feel bad. He needs to learn to deal with his negative emotions in a healthier manner.
However, I think this instance might have been a “straw breaking the camel’s back” type of situation, because honey, you sound exhausted by him.
Does he improve your life in any way? How often are you pretending to be happy/content/pleasant when you’re not? Does he make your negative emotions all about him? Why don’t you feel comfortable showing him your authentic self? Why does he get to be mean to you when he’s upset but you can’t express your negative emotions?
I don’t think his remark was about you. He even came back later and apologized and said that it was because of his family. There are a couple of options here:
I do suggest talking with your therapist about it. I also suggest talking with your bf about it.
I mean, if my partner was missing events because they couldn’t control their drinking and described skipping alcohol for one evening as “torture”, I would be a bit worried too.
I don’t have an answer for the rest but alcohol + prozac don’t mix.
No matter how much you’re drinking, that was a shitty way to talk to you. If it’s a serious problem, it requires a serious conversation. If it really is spending time with his family that makes him talk to you like that, he needs to put himself on “time out” and decompress from that before he interacts with you.
This is one of those threads where I wonder why you’re talking to the internet instead of your boyfriend.
i think genuinely considering missing an event because not drinking would be torture in combination with using alcohol for coping/ anxiety in the past, is the problem here. it struck a nerve for a reason. only you can answer if you’re having an issue or not, but i would also be concerned in your shoes.
One thing that I’ve found really important in my life is to set limits for myself about vices, and to be responsible with them. By having clear ideas of what my limits are and knowing I’m good at sticking to them, it helps me not need to rely on other people’s opinions about my vice behavior, because defensive partners even when they don’t mean to can often lash out about that in a controlling way.
Like, I remember in my 20’s I dated a guy who didn’t really like drinking, and I drink but not to some crazy degree. And I invited him to a party at a friend’s house. I had maybe 2 or 3 drinks over the course of the entire 4 hours I was there. So I was certainly drinking, but I wasn’t drunk. He acted like a grouch because everybody was “wasted”, curled up in a chair at 8PM and slept through the whole party. He woke up to see me dancing with my friends and said “Come on, I’m taking you home, you’re drunk.”
He was an asshole, he was just trying to be controlling because he didn’t want me to drink at all. But it made me come up with concrete measurable standards for my drinking.
If it’s not a social occasion where others are drinking, I don’t have more than 1 drink an evening. If I plan to consume more than 1 unit of alcohol per 1.5 hours I’m there, I plan a ride in advance. I don’t drink with the intent to be drunk more than once a week except on vacation. I don’t ever get so drunk that I black out, fall down, vomit, or say or do things that I would not stand by as a sober person.
I make sure to take at least 3 nights every week where I drink nothing at all. I make sure to spend at least a 2 week period twice a year where I drink nothing at all to make sure I still can. When I find myself thinking things like “Oh I’ve had a terrible day, I could use a drink”, I examine that.
But like…. … as a person with a history with alcohol, I just think it’s really important for you to visualize in very objective terms what it would look like to you to be a person with a drinking problem. And to evaluate your own behavior, regularly, against what you believe is and isn’t healthy and safe.
Because when you base that evaluation off of other people, you can end up letting your own feelings of guilt or inadequacy color your evaluation and letting your partner control you, or on the other end, you can end up justifying dangerous behavior because your partner is worse. You should be evaluating for yourself what your relationship is and should be with substances you use for fun.
Therapist chiming in with some info in case it might be helpful. Determining whether someone has a drinking problem has less to do with whether you’re drinking socially vs alone and more to do with how much the drinking interferes with other parts of your life. As one example, it would involve asking yourself how bad your hangovers typically feel (physically and/or emotionally) and whether you still drink the same amounts if hangovers typically feel really bad and/or prevent you from doing things you want or need to do. The amount also matters (4 or more for women on a given occasion is technically considered binge drinking, even though it is super common to drink that amount or more in our 20s), but also, different people’s bodies metabolize alcohol very differently, so that same amount could have a bigger or smaller impact on different people.
On a totally separate note, I’d be very curious about what’s going on between your bf and his family. There is one possible scenario where he’s hearing negative judgments about you from his family members and starting to internalize them rather than pushing back.
Is your counselor helping you build new coping skills, so that in times of added stress you don’t fall back on the alcohol? I don’t know about your specific meds but a friend of mine is supposed to avoid alcohol completely when taking their antidepressants.
Re: the drinking, it’s easy to use stress as an excuse, and it can hurt if someone else sees our use more clearly than we are willing to. It’s too bad he used judgmental comments instead of having an honest conversation or showing loving concern. But honestly it sounds more like he was just triggered by his family’s own judgmental garbage. I wouldn’t be surprised if they razzed him about getting a new job and not overly relying on you anymore. You pointing out that you wouldn’t be available to rely on as DD could have poked that sore spot. Or maybe your torture comment sounded to him like “you’re no fun to be around when you aren’t drinking.” Still, your hurt feelings totally make sense. He was mean and judgmental for no reason. ❤️🩹
You need to take a long hard look at your drinking. Not for him, but for you.
You have a history, you have relatives with alcohol issues, you drink to drunkenness to the extent you have hangovers; you sneak alcohol. You compare your consumption to his to lessen and/or justify your own.
Look at your actions, Friend, and the toll it is taking. Even if you are not addicted, or do not have a disorder, or you intake is perfectly reasonable – you need to take serious stock.
This is not about shame, this is about your health. If you were occasionally passing out from (say come to find out) low blood sugar, you’d do something about it, yes?
Good luck OP.
Whether or not your alcohol use is problematic is irrelevant here. The way he spoke to you is unacceptable. He was passive-aggressive, snarky and mean, which is not how you speak to someone if you’re genuinely concerned for them. He didn’t say those things because he wants to help you, he said them with the intention of hurting you. Mission accomplished.
If you feel like your alcohol use is problematic, then you should definitely consider seeking some help for it. It certainly does not seem to me that your drinking is causing any actual issues in your life, but this is just a small snippet and only you know for sure if this is something you need or want to change. That said, lashing out the way he did is a surefire way to create resentment in your relationship. He doesn’t get to blame his family for being mean to you for no real reason. You’re not a punching bag for him to take out his frustrations with his family.
He says something hurtful to you, and in the end, you end up comforting him. DARVO much? I don’t know if his statement says something deeper about how he feels about you, but it certainly implies he needs a therapist to guide him on how to appropriately communicate his feelings instead of attacking you whenever he’s emotionally drained.
From what you’ve described it sounds like the interaction may have retraumatized you. I hear you say you’re new to Prozac but SSRIs don’t cause the symptoms you described (flashbacks, dissociation, shutting down), they typically reduce them. Some ppl definitely feel worse before they feel better but if you’ve been feeling good since going on them, don’t rule out the possibility that the circumstances played more of a role. Medication can be helpful but it’s not a shield for triggers so it doesn’t prevent us from having a response to life events. Even if meds did play a role, you still had those symptoms secondary to his actions.
As a side note, the fact that he’s criticizing you so effortlessly after you’ve been the sole earner is all kinds of wrong and shows very little respect for you and the sacrifices you made. If spending time with his family makes him like this then he needs to figure out how to quit that behavior, full stop. I hope these personal attacks don’t happen again but if they do, keep track of the pattern. Coming back to you all apologetic and “I’ll make it up to you” is cliché abuser-y. Especially if you don’t actually see change. Things should be getting better with him becoming employed again, not worse.
You guys need to talk.
He needs to find a different way of dealing with stress and his family instead of taking it out on you. And you need to find out if he has genuine concerns about your drinking.
Maybe he does. Maybe he feels like it’s a waste of money when things have been so tight. Maybe he’s stressed about the new job.
But you guys need to figure out the root cause of these issues and remember that the two of you are supposed to be a team.
I’m going to leave the primary question for the other excellent redditors.
PSA: If you have depression or anxiety, your alcohol intake should be exactly zero.
Regardless of whether you feel your boyfriend is judging you or not. Hold a firm grudge against booze. Your dopamine system cannot tolerate being stripped of its receptors by alcohol.
You don’t want to be tied to this man or his family. Trust me.
Here’s the thing about relationships. Whatever core exists will grow exponentially over time. And the good outweighs the bad 10 to 1.
He already doesn’t respect you, gaslights you, makes excuses for his behavior, lacks accountability or gratitude.
Those are seeds for a relationship that is a garden of torture. There is no salvaging this.
Move on.
I feel like this was a powder keg of different things. Why do you mention when you were the sole financial provider? Honestly it has nothing to do with the actual question you’re asking, so I’m wondering if you harbor resentment for having to carry that weight? Are you still as stressed as you were then?
Does your boyfriend often make comments like this? Was his apology sincere? Does he have a complicated relationship with family and might he also have a complicated relationship with alcohol?
I know you know but try not to drink until you’re on a stable dose of Prozac. The only time I ever blacked out was on 2 glasses of wine the night after I began SSRIs. Allow yourself to sit with moments of discomfort, breathe into them, especially when you find your anxious thoughts turning to finding a drink. It won’t happen immediately but as the SSRIs kick in and you practice, you’ll be able to tolerate situations that once might’ve led to harmful decisions.
SSRI/SNRI antidepressants absolutely made me crave alcohol. I also got a wicked tolerance and needed more and more to get the same buzz. I have family history of alcoholism as well, so I ended up with an addiction. Being on SSRI made it really hard to not crave. I went off of those types of Antidepressants and slowly quit drinking. Sober 3 years now tho!
My point is; read up on SSRI and increased alcohol consumption. Don’t wind up with an addiction.
Snappiness and sarcasm are not normal daily responses to your partner. Maybe you have a drinking problem and maybe you don’t, but a mature adult doesn’t bring up an issue like that in the way that he did.
I think your boyfriend might just be an asshole.
OP, I know it’s taboo for a guy like me to comment (I often lurk to get perspective), but seeing your post and replies made me concerned as someone who lost his mother to alcoholism. I am proud of you for realizing you do have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and are making steps to better your mental health, but it still seems like you’re having some issues with it, even if you’re socially drinking once a week. Using alcohol as a coping mechanism for anything is a huge red flag for alcoholism, and I’m very certain using alcohol to cope with her disability and depression is what drove my mother to an early grave. What your BF said was wrong and he admits as such, and you two should absolutely have a calm, serious discussion about what happened and why he said what he said. I think you should consider dropping alcohol altogether and talk with your BF about it, as, like others have mentioned, prozac and alcohol do not mix well. I see stories like this and feel quite sad reading them, as I don’t want anyone to go down the same path my mother did. Wishing you the best, OP.
I’m going to ignore the content of his most recent comment because you say it’s a pattern. Since he got a job he’s increasingly been confrontational with you over stupid things, picking on what you say and being sarcastic.
That’s what you need to talk to him about. Which sucks because that’s trickiest kind of conversation to have, especially if he’s defensive. You bring up a string of examples and it breaks down into re-litigating each individual instance so you two end up too exhausted to talk about the pattern.
If he’s engaging in good faith, it might help to ask him what has changed with him since getting this job. How does he feel about the dynamic between the two of you lately. Does he want it to change, how.
If I had to guess, his change since getting a job is either due to feeling more powerful within the relationship now (resulting in feeling freer to treat you poorly), or due to feeling stressed out because of the job. I’d guess the latter because hanging out with his family apparently caused the same stress. Who knows! But while either of these things may explain his behavior, it doesn’t excuse it. It’s absolutely not ok for him to take out his stress on you, and it’s a really bad idea for him to get in the habit of it.
Also, if you’re feeling unsettled about how much you do or don’t drink, then why not do a dry June/July and see how you feel. Late 20s is a really common age to re-evaluate how much you drink, how much you even want to drink. It’s possible that what he said was mindlessly sarcastic on his end, but that you’re experiencing it as an extremely concerning insight because it is you who has concerns about your drinking, or about your drinking while using Prozac.
The most charitable interpretation here is that he said something stupid because he was in a bad mood after visiting with his family and then apologized and had his own little cry for taking it out on you.
Your description of your drinking does not sound excessive. However, if a comment struck something in you, that’s worth considering.
But I suspect what’s really at play is bf feels bad that you’ve had to support him for so long, and instead of that feeling coming out as gratitude or shame, it’s coming out as anger at you.
And I agree with others here that his family probably said some unkind things about you, maybe in relation to drinking. Or maybe they said unkind things about him in relation to you, increasing his shame.
You can always take a break from drinking to reset your relationship with it. Maybe after this concert?
Maybe try starting a conversation (and perusing)in r/AlcoholicsAnonymous
I’m not saying you’re alcoholic, but at least talking to people and getting their story.
It doesn’t sound unmanageable right now, but at least having a support team could be helpful.
(Also, subreddit so you don’t have the make the plunge of going to a meeting)
(But also, don’t flaunt your active drinking, be respectful in a new space)
Girlie, hate to be that one but you don’t need to mix alcohol with Prozac.
I can relate all too well to your feelings of fear and powerlessness, and what you’ve shared about your drinking is something I’d like to talk about.
I drank for 20+ years… at first because it was just fun and made all of my social anxiety go away, then also to sedate my grief from a break up and then the death of a parent, then more for anxiety, more for fun, more for sedation…. When drinking was no longer fun and I was able to see how badly it was affecting my life, I understood that I am an alcoholic. I use alcohol like medicine, and I use it to solve problems. Drinking can never be a casual thing for me.
Long before I made the decision to get help and stop drinking, I would become very embarrassed when someone would comment on how I drank. It was humiliating, and a huge blow to my ego – I thought I was in control, but my nearest and dearest saw what was happening long before I was able. And the thought that anyone in my life ever saw me as less than outstandingly perfect hurt! You’re BF sounds like he’s very concerned, even though he isn’t expressing that in the most kind and loving way… That will also need to be addressed on both ends so that you can have healthier discussions together.
I suggest sitting with your thoughts for a while before talking with your partner. Get your thoughts down on paper to help deal with the confusion you’re experiencing. If you are concerned about your drinking and how it’s affecting your relationships, then you may want to consider stopping. Let your BF know that you’re working to figure this out, that you’re confused and scared (bc your relationship is important to you and you don’t want to damage it), and that you want things to get better. Keep him in the loop so that you can be on the same page and work on these issues together.
Godspeed. <3
Dude, do not drink with Prozac, especially in the beginning.
The first few weeks are a train wreck
Gently, as a friend… Do you think you have a problem with alcohol? Is it possible that you are offended because you resonate with something he said? Is it the first thing you think about when you go out? Do you need it to have a good time? You mentioned previously having a problem with alcohol – only, once you establish that you have a problem with alcohol, you always have that problem. It’s not something that just goes away. Take care of yourself! Please don’t drink on new neurological medication. I’m surprised it doesn’t say that on the bottle.
I recommend r/stopdrinking even if you do not plan to quit — they are supportive and have some good tips and resources.
For the record, if he got worse once he got a job, he’s going to be a complete prick if/once he makes more money than you. He doesn’t think he financially owns you yet, once that happens, it’ll only get tougher for you.
I see that you’re working on your mental health, and that’s good!
You do have an alcohol problem. I won’t call you an alcoholic, but you’re on your way to it.
Alcohol and Prozac are a bad bad mix. Please, stop drinking while taking prozac. It can actually make your depression and anxiety worse.
I’m sorry but you gotta be honest with yourself.
I’m a recovering alcoholic and I legitimately would convince myself that I didn’t drink that often and would lie about it. But the people around me, especially my partner, saw right through me. Mixing your SSRIs and alcohol is extremely bad for you too. It also sounds like you can’t “have fun” without alcohol being in the equation.
Also it wouldn’t have hurt so bad to hear him call you an alcoholic if you aren’t actually an alcoholic.
I don’t know if you have a drinking problem. I do know I have an ex who would say mean things to me when he was stressed, or drinking. Instead of addressing issues he wouldn’t say anything and then it would come out in a mean way later. He would later apologize and we’d be good for a while…until it happened again. After we broke up I found out he was planning on breaking up with me for month before he actually did it, he was mean a lot during that period.
I learned a lot in processing that relationship. And now I know that in any future relationship I want someone who is kind to me always, even if they’re stressed or unhappy or whatever. Not perfect or never gets mad, but I will never tolerate name calling again. I want someone will bring up issues when needed so they can be talked through. If your bf really thinks you have a problem, there were many better ways to handle it than to be mean in a way he knew would hurt you. That’s not how someone who loves you would treat you, and if you love yourself you wouldn’t allow yourself to be treated that way.
You could talk it through with him and it might be helpful to you to get a better understanding of what he really thinks of your drinking. But don’t you want a partner who isn’t mean to you without you having to tell him that?
When I was younger, the priest at my church was talking about giving things up for Lent. He said that often it’s a better idea to add something to your life as a discipline and after six weeks it becomes a habit. But sometimes giving something up can be a good idea: one way to tell whether you’ve got hold of it, or it’s got hold of you, is to give it up for six weeks and see how you feel. If you can’t, that’s something you need to think about.
Lent has already passed this year, and lots of people aren’t religious anyway, but the principle applies: could you give up alcohol entirely for six weeks?
Sounds like something to bring up with whomever is prescribing the Prozac.
A thing a sibling who went through AA pointed out, there’s not much emotional growth/development when you shut the processing down with drinking.
Instead of drinking to get through avoidable situations, how ’bout communicating to avoid the situation?
I’d work with therapy to learn healthy coping skills as a priority, sounds like not many were modelled when young if I may be so bold to assume?
Regardless, having more helps!
I feel like you supported him through unemployment, he could at least stage an intervention with a bit of grace rather than be mean. Also does being with family make him mean or make him critical of you – are they talking about you? I don’t know if you do have a problem or not but the way he went about it sucks ass
No relationship advice for you but I’d recommend looking at the actual criteria for a substance use disorder. There’s 11 questions to ask yourself. If you’re actually worried go thru the questions and see if any of them apply to you. If you’re answering yes to more than a couple talk to your therapist or another healthcare provider.
https://www.naadac.org/assets/2416/resource_1_dsm-5_sud_checklist.pdf
Reddit is questionable for any type of advice let alone something as important as determining whether or not you have an alcohol problem. If you’re answering yes to any of those questions those are legitimate things that your boyfriend might be concerned about and worth talking over with him.
If you answer no to all of them you have a boyfriend/ communication problem not an alcohol problem.
Something I’m seeing a lot of people mention here is that from your limited description here it sounds like you’re consuming small quantities or not very often. You’ll notice that there is no section asking you about how much or how often you drink in the actual DSM-5 criteria for a diagnosis. This is because you can develop a problematic relationship with alcohol even if you drink less than other people or less frequently than other people. It’s not about how much it’s about how you act when you’re using and how your use impacts your life and relationships.
If you wonder whether you have a drinking problem, you probably do. Quit for a while, or cut it down to never more than one. If that seems hard, then you definitely have a drinking problem.
This sounds like he used that moment to vent opportunistically over something much bigger beneath the surface
I have a history of alcoholics in my family, and I try to take it very seriously, but I do drink. I think generally, if someone is saying you drink too much, it’s worth self-examination, even if you think they were wrong. Better safe than sorry.
There are guidelines to how much alcohol is considered a problem, often based on the number of times or how much you drink, but I haven’t found those to be very useful. Having a glass of wine or beer with dinner every day might make you an alcoholic under some of those, and that seems wrong to me.
I think a better way to tell is to examine your relationship to drinking. Do you use alcohol as an escape from your problems? Do you feel the need to drink, or if there’s no alcohol it feels like no big deal. Do you avoid social situations if there will not be drinking? Does alcohol availability or drinking change your social plans?
Basically, how badly do you feel you need to drink, and would it be a problem if you had to stop?
I’m not going to weigh in on your drinking but what I will say is that I recommend everyone who thinks they could possibly have a complicated relationship with alcohol take a Alcohol Use Disorder screening quiz from time to time to have a non biased look at their use and then have some really frank conversations with yourself and possibly a counsellor/therapist. It was a game changer for me. I’m 5 years sober now and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I was like your BF. It turned out to be Major Depressive Disorder. I didn’t feel depressed, but I would snap when I didn’t mean to, get upset at stupid stuff. I constantly had a ‘fog’ as I describe it, make simple things hard for me, and I would do/say stuff I didn’t agree with.
Finally saw a therapist, got on meds, and that fog is lifted. No more snapping, no more moody nights for no reason..I can do and say the things I feel, it’s changed my life.
You said he’s been moody and snappy, I don’t think it’s about your drinking specifically. I think it’s just something he could use to be snappy about.
I would sit him down and ask him why he’s being this way, in general. Something is bothering him and he’s bottling it up. It may not even be about you, at all. But he’s taking it out on you and that is not ok.
Talk to him, tell him you’re not ok being his punching bag. That he either needs to tell you what’s wrong or sort it out on his own, but stop taking it out on you
Here come the couch therapists of Reddit — hopefully you can hear the eye roll. I don’t think what you said makes you an alcoholic whatsoever.
It honestly just sounds like a casual conversation where your significant other saw an opportunity to take a jab. I doubt you expected every single word to be taken so seriously while just talking at home with your partner. Maybe he should start carrying around a recorder and put everything on the record next time, ffs.
If I had to walk on eggshells like that around my SO just to avoid passive-aggressive comments, I’d be having a serious talk — or reconsidering the relationship entirely.
The biggest thing that stands out to me is the lack of communication in your relationship. You describe both of you covering or bottling up emotions instead of communicating honestly with each other. It’s worth thinking/talking about why this is happening. Is there something in the relationship that makes you feel unsafe being open? Couples therapy could be helpful
I think it was less how much you’re drinking lately, and more that you were wanting to avoid doing something he wanted to do, together, because drinking would be too inconvenient. No matter how much you’re actually drinking right now, your reluctance to go to the concert if you couldn’t drink speaks of dependency. Most concerts start in the evening and end late. Most aren’t within walking distance to your own home. Are you supposed to avoid concerts forever because you wouldn’t be able to drink? Concerts are also long, couldn’t you both have a drink or two at the start and still have time to sober up enough to drive home by the time it ends? He mentioned something he wanted to do together, and you made it sound like drinking was more important than that thing. Even if your reluctance had nothing to do with something you used to abuse, shutting him down for very little reason was hurtful. Even if it’s in a playful manner, shutting down your partner’s ideas like that can feel like rejection. If having alcohol at the concert was that important you could make a plan on who was going to drive, which it sounds like he was going to take responsibility for. And then you turned around and basically called him a wet blanket for saying he’d be the DD… Not cool.
It sounds like you were triggered bc of your past. I get the same way in relationships when things flip that switch in my nervous system. Sometimes it’s hard to control.
I could have written this story. I say this gently, I think it hurt you because deep down you know you have a problem with alcohol. Notice I said a problem and not an alcoholic. I too use alcohol to cope with anxiety. This is not to say, how he acted toward you was okay.
I don’t intend to diminish your concerns about your drinking but I find very concerning that he’s started acting like this after you had to be the breadwinner for some time. Even if they’re back on track or they find a better job, make more money etc. they can’t get over it and will take whatever they can throw at you, like your drinking, and use it to reign you in knock you down a notch or so whenever needed. I’m not saying the usual Reddit “throw the whole man out” but I’m asking you to consider that this may be nothing to do with you or anything you do or not. If you yourself feel that your drinking is getting out of control by all means seek help but it would also be helpful to seek advice about domestic abuse, how it starts etc.
1 – Are you talking to a professional? You need to
2- Is he talking to a professional? He needs to
3- Does he often drive after drinking?? This is a MAJOR red flag
4- Do you often have stupid arguments? If Yes: Why do you deal with it? If No: Talk through it
5- Does he often belittle you? They way you write him makes it seem like he resents you and/or doesn’t like you. Is this common? If Yes: Why do you deal with it? If no: What do you think is really going on? Is he annoyed he wasn’t the big manly bread winner for a time and now that he is (?) he’s thinking he’s the top dog?
6- Do your friends think you currently have a drinking problem? Did they think you had one when you did?
7-Do your friends like him? (this is really only valid if your friends are decent people)
8-Does he have an issue with alcohol?
9- If you are walking on eggshells and masking your feelings around a partner then he’s not a true partner.
Maybe you deserve better? Maybe you deserve to fix yourself, grow yourself, and become a butterfly.
I think your boyfriend crossed a line, but honestly, if you’re using alcohol to cope I think it’s a problem. It doesn’t matter if it’s one sip a week or ten beers a day. If I found myself yearning to drink that way I’d consider myself an alcoholic and seek help to quit. However, it’s not so cut and dry for everyone. I come from a long line of alcoholics – most of them highly functional so I think I have a decent sense of what it looks like.