This just happened over the weekend and I can’t stop thinking about it. I (32F) ended up in a argument with my MIL (57F) at a family gathering I had planned. Now I’m wondering if I went too far…
So, a couple months ago, it was decided that we’d have a big family get-together. My MIL was originally supposed to host it, but she kept making excuses about how it was “too much work” and she was “too overwhelmed.” Fine, whatever. I said I’d take care of it. Even tho I work full-time, have two young kids, and barely get a moment to myself, I still wanted to make sure everyone had a great time.
I spent days planning. I made a ton of food, cleaned my entire house, decorated, even made a little “kids corner” with activities so the parents could relax. It wasn’t perfect, but I really tried.
Well, during the gathering, I was in the kitchen getting more drinks when I overheard MIL talking to some of the other relatives. And what does she say? That the party was “thrown together last minute,” that the decorations looked “cheap,” and that the food was “boring” and “probably store-bought.” Then she laughed and said, “This is why I didn’t bother hosting. I knew she wouldn’t be able to pull it off properly.”
I felt like I had just been slapped.
I walked right in and said, “Wow, MIL. For someone who refused to host, you sure have a lot to say about my effort.” The whole room went silent. She tried to laugh it off, but I wasn’t done. I told her that if she had such high standards, maybe she should have hosted instead of dumping it on me and then talking crap behind my back.
She turned bright red and started stammering, saying she was “just joking” and that I was being dramatic. My husband backed me up and told her I worked really hard on everything. A few other family members agreed, but some of the older relatives started saying I should’ve just ignored it and “been the bigger person.”
MIL ended up leaving early, and now I’m getting texts saying I embarrassed her and ruined the gathering with “unnecessary drama.” But honestly?? I don’t think I should just smile and take it when someone insults me after I worked so hard.
So… AITAH?
Comments
NTA but your MIL for sure is the AH !
Not the asshole. I think that is pretty apparent. She embarrassed herself… all you did was respond to her conversation. There would have been no response, if not for her starting a conversation about the topic.
NTA your MIL ruined the gathering with unnecessary drama. Most likely because you did a better job and she was jealous.
NTA at all! Your MIL and those who said you should’ve ignored it or that you ruined party surely are though.
Do not tolerate being disrespected in your own home. I’m glad you spoke up and glad your husband had your back and supported you.
NTA
You should confirm with the ‘just roll with it wankers’ that it was fine for the monster in law to be rude and disrespectful then? And then thank them for volunteering to host the next event and cop the abuse from now on
NTA. You put in the effort that she refused to, and she had the nerve to criticize you behind your back? Calling her out wasn’t unnecessary drama, it was holding her accountable. She’s just mad because she got caught.
NTA. Maybe if she was so embarrassed, she’ll keep her mouth shut next time. Since she found your efforts so dismal, I’m surprised you didn’t ask her to leave the party.
NTA
If your MIL is comfortable saying all that in your home, you can only imagine what she says behind closed doors. I would keep my distance and keep a firm stance on not accepting that kind of behavior and expecting an apology from MIL.
Probably was a good thing to call her out in public, this is just rude behaviour for anyone.
NTA
You handled it beautifully. If you had not called her out then and there, should would have denied and downplayed and gaslighted. She’s mad as she was called out and rightfully so.
I’d ban her from the house and stop contact unless and until she gives and real sincere apology.
NTA. Good for you on calling her out. Tell her you will never again host a family event. Let her do all the work.
“Be the bigger person”. Another way of saying “let bullies stomp all over you”. Your MIL was embarrassed? She bloody well should’ve been. You stood up for yourself (in your own damn house) and you had every right to do so. Completely NTA.
Well, if throwing a party is a crime, then I guess you’re the Martha Stewart of the family! At least your MIL can’t say she wasn’t warned she could’ve hosted and avoided the roast!
No SHE ruined the gathering by being a fcuking btich. Fcuk her and anyone who says you should have put with it. Credit to hubby for backing you up
NTA. Sorry your MIL is a nightmare.
NTA. Your MIL is snake
I think I would demand an apology before she ever came to my house again.
She embarrassed herself! Good for you for standing up for yourself. She deserves to look like the B—— she is. I would be so grateful for anyone who hosted a family event.
I probably would have said a lot worse to her
NTA. Sometimes you don’t have to be the bigger person. I’m glad your husband backs you up. Maybe next time she’ll think twice about bad mouthing you. Don’t bother hosting next time.
NTA I fcking hate when people say you should have been the bigger person. Fck that, being the bigger person just lets people know they can walk all over you. The person who should be the bigger person is the one who is wronging the person who is being wronged.
I am glad you dealt with her immediately and in a straight forward manner. People need to stop being so nasty and then expecting a pass when they get called out on it. nta
You embarrassed her? She embarrassed you!
Absolutely not. Good job OP for asserting yourself the way you did!
NTA. Looks like she couldn’t follow the age old advice: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.
And for those saying you should have been the bigger person, she could have easily been the bigger person by not talking smack at you in the first place. She doesn’t get a free pass.
And she was in ur house?😒 I admire ur restraint!🤗 S/o 2 the husband 4 having ur back!💐
If she didn’t want to be embarrassed, then she should have kept her mouth shut
NTA
NTA
NTA. You MIL sounds like a piece of work. Good job with your party! From what you’ve said, it sounds like you went the extra mile to ensure that everyone had a good time, you even went out of your way and made a kids corner, to ensure that parents got to relax and unwind.
Your MIL is being a bitch, and didn’t expect you to call her out, and the ones backing her, are mostly the ones that act like her. Don’t let her spoil this for you, you addressed it as soon as it came up, and everyone including your husband knows you’re in the right, and how hard you’ve worked to pull the event off.
At this point, just ignore her and let her dig her own grave, you don’t need to entertain her.
She’s terrible. NTA. This is manipulation at its peak. She got what she deserved.
My MIL constantly insults people and talks shiz about them, and then when anyone calls her out says she was just joking. It’s never funny. She’s extremely manipulative and knows exactly what she is doing. I am now NC and my hubs/kids barely see her.
You did embarrass her, who wouldn’t be, getting called out in front of others. You know what else is embarrassing? putting in a bunch of work to have your mil talk shit about you. It’s unlikely to be the first time also. We’ll done for shutting it down and showing her and everyone else you are not a doormat. 👏
Omg honey, you stood up for yourself in your own house. You are nta at all! Your mil and all these other old relatives can get bent. You shouldn’t concern yourself with their skewed opinions or you’ll be driven crazy
I’m not seeing an actual apology from your MIL. If you didn’t get one, I’d put her in a time out until it happens. Totally uncalled for and unkind behavior that you wouldn’t accept from your kids.
NTA! Good for you for standing up to passive-aggressive bully!
No word about how she embarrassed you and also talked behind your back? No?
Naw, she embarrassed herself. Don’t want to be called out to the floor, don’t say or do stuff to get called out for. Simple concept.
Just think- they all let your MIL talk trash about you and your party and not a single one of them opened their mouths to defend you. Why the F do you care what they think now? They’re as trashy and disgusting as your MIL. They sure as hell have no right to speak to you about manners or “ruining the gathering”. Next time one of those assholes can host.
NTA and SHAME SHAME on your mil! Just host and don’t invite her from now on. She can sit and decorate her bs house perfectly on her own.
NTA. Insulting you in your own home??? Should’ve thrown her out on her ear!!!
So it was okay when she was embarrassing you and talking behind your back? Nope, Good for you standing your ground. AND to your husband for backing you.
Nta. Rest easy, this is her karma!
She even had the balls to do that in YOUR house! What a spoiled brat!
Thank God your husband had your back!
Don’t do anymore party’s or gatherings with the select extended family. The ones who tell you to censor yourself, while they can say whatever they want, because they are the “elders”. (“Respect your elders” reference)
Karma was swift this time, and even God has your back.
NTA. She won’t mess with you ago. Don’t even think of apologizing.
Nta. She brought it on herself. You didn’t insult her, or trash her, or call her a well deserved B. You stood up for yourself, and f*ck anyone who says it wasn’t deserved.
Now, if you went back in the room and just started trashing her in the same manner, then no, you wouldn’t be any better but that’s not what happened.
Sounds like you also have a good man by your side.
Lift up that chin and allow your mil to fully embrace the serving of humble pie you made for dessert.
NTA, she clearly just wanted to have you do it to talk shit. well congratulations to the hag that she got to come in and insult her son’s wife in their own home. I don’t give a F what the other people are saying that you should have just let it go and how you embarrassed her.. FO. She behaved like a rude bitch who got what she had coming for doing that in your home. Had she been that same ass in her own home, at least you could have just left, ah, but her plan was to do just what she did. Sorry that her son had to see just how underhanded and conniving she is…. but I’m so glad he could !!
Simply put. You husband was proud and had your back. That’s all you need fuck her and the OTHER OLDER RELATIVES. You stepped up as the gracious hostess doing the very best. You hit a home run, and your husband is a good man.
NTA, she embarrased herself. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. So you, as the younger person, should be the bigger person. Eff that noise.
I’m sure you did embarrass her and rightly so! And why on Earth do you have to be the bigger person? When person A calls Person B dramatic what Person A really means is “why are you not swallowing the disrespect I’m trying to shovel down your throat?”
NTA. Your MIL was the one who caused the drama, not you. She’s embarrassed because she got called out, she’s not sorry and she hasn’t apologized(I doubt she ever will). She’s outed herself as an ah and deserves what she got. Now you know exactly what she thinks of you, and so does everyone else.
NTA.
You didn’t embarrass her. She embarrassed herself by insulting you to others and getting caught out.
As for the older relatives saying you should have ignored it and been the bigger person? Ask them why they think you should be better than the person THEY raised. Ask them why they aren’t embarrassed by her behaviour, and why they think someone a generation younger than her has to be the bigger person.
Or you could just accept that she’s nasty and stay away from her.
NTA, You don’t have to smile and take that. She should have smiled and kept quiet if she didn’t appreciate your effort. She talked trash about you under your roof. Actions have consequences.
>but some of the older relatives started saying I should’ve just ignored it and “been the bigger person.”
This is always code for just allow those people to bully you and disrespect you.
I would have looked at those people and say, you might not think you deserve respect, but I know I do and I am not just going to let it go and be the bigger person so a bully can keep on bullying people unchecked. Then again, you must be a bully too since you don’t see any issues with what she is saying and doing. So please feel free to join MIL and leave. I don’t want people in my home who thinks it’s ok to treat people like this.
Good for you, for standing up for yourself OP, and even the husband for backing you up.
Yes, it is easier to say nothing but shouldn’t the same rule apply to her?
It’s not like you could just stay silent and quietly leave, you were already home.
Do not allow someone to criticize your hard work. Yes it might not have been perfect but it was as close as you can get. She was picking it apart because everyone was enjoying themselves. She was jealous and bitchy.
NTA I am so tired of hearing “respect your elders” I will respect anyone until they show me they aren’t worthy of my respect. But I am a big wimp so I would have just went and cried somewhere and my husband would have lost it on her but kudos to you for standing up for yourself.
NTA The only one who was causing unneccesary drama was your mother. The older folks wont see that but even time I get a message from them I would just say defending your self is not creating drama. Creating drama is talking badly about someone in their own house. If they want to be mad at anyone they should be mad at MiL for embarassing her self and showing her own ass.
Host another fun family get together. Exclude MIL and her flying monkeys.
NTA. You already are the bigger person. MIL is small-minded and mean. Anybody who thinks it’s okay can offer to host the next time and see if they like her criticism.
NTA. Fuck that bitch.
NTA You should be proud of yourself for standing up to her.
This is AI.
NTA
People like your MIL will push & push & push until you blow up on them. You handled the situation perfectly. You were calm and stuck to cold facts.
Hopefully, you made your point and the witch will think twice next time she wants to run her mouth.
Thankfully, your husband had your back. That’s not usually the case. Make sure he knows how much he’s appreciated.
Nta. Good for you! And good for your hub for backing you! 💪🏻
Your MIL shit talking you for no reason is not causing “unnecessary drama?” She’s a bitch, and the relatives who blamed you are people I’d be sure to not invite next gathering. You stuck up for yourself and did it without being nasty. Good for you!
Sounds like my MIL-NTA, I wish I had a sister or SIL like you,
Perhaps getting MIL a book on manners for her birthday or Christmas may be appropriate
You “embarrassed her?”
Way to go!
And kudos to your husband having your back.
You just keep on being the awesome woman you are for not taking that kind of BS!
NTA – Bravo to you for standing up for yourself and holding a two faced (not nice name) accountable.
No notes, that was chef’s kiss
NTA, and I would tell the others “If I’m hosting, I get to choose the level of necessary drama in my house. I felt that was 100% needed, and anyone who disagrees can either just not show up or host it themselves and choose what level of drama they want. BTW, next party I’m upping the drama. I’m going to buy stupid hats that say things like ‘The Smaller Person’ because if you want me to be the Bigger Person, fine, but I get to label people as smaller then.”
But I am a very petty person and like stirring shit. I’d probably make myself a Shit Stirrer Hat for the party, so people can’t even complain that they didn’t know what they were getting into.