I (36f) have been voluntold by my mother (Mom) that I should help with my niece’s (20f; Niece) baby shower. The baseline is that I’m a really good cook and I’m skilled at cooking for a crowd. And at first I was happy to help, with some reservations (explanation to come) because I wanted to help my mom, even though I didn’t originally ask or want to be included. Niece is the child of my sister (40f; Sister). Sister and I don’t really have much of a relationship, and I don’t really have a relationship with any of her children either, including Niece. So here’s the thing: A few months ago, I got married. Only my mom and her husband and one Uncle/Aunt pair on my dad’s (deceased) side showed up. (for back story, I moved across the country from the rest of the family and haven’t seen them all in many years so there’s that, but I’ve recently moved back to the next state over) We really went all out with our wedding and I was super happy with it, but it really hurt my feelings that no one else—including my sister—attended (and really, none of them even bothered sending their regrets via RSVP and the wedding was the next state over from my family while it was across the country from my husband’s). So that’s very much a sore spot and definitely influencing these feelings. Anyway. Mom tells me that my aunt (Aunt)—her sister—is wanting to help with the baby shower as well. So at this juncture, there are at least four hostesses for this baby shower, Mom, Sister, Aunt, and Me. Which seems like plenty. Plus, Aunt considers herself a great cook, so if she’s there, why would they need me? But I also know that I’m hurt because Aunt wants to be a part of this event but clearly didn’t want to be a part of my event (which Sister also opted out of). So… I know I’m being a bit petty, but would I be a total a-hole if I said “You guys seem to have it covered” and opt out of being a part of this “family” event since the majority of the people involved opted out of my “family” event. Of note: since moving away, I have visited my “home state” at least once a year and none of the family made time to see me during my visit and none of them ever opted to come out to visit me.
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I (36f) have been voluntold by my mother (Mom) that I should help with my niece’s (20f; Niece) baby shower. The baseline is that I’m a really good cook and I’m skilled at cooking for a crowd. And at first I was happy to help, with some reservations (explanation to come) because I wanted to help my mom, even though I didn’t originally ask or want to be included. Niece is the child of my sister (40f; Sister). Sister and I don’t really have much of a relationship, and I don’t really have a relationship with any of her children either, including Niece. So here’s the thing: A few months ago, I got married. Only my mom and her husband and one Uncle/Aunt pair on my dad’s (deceased) side showed up. (for back story, I moved across the country from the rest of the family and haven’t seen them all in many years so there’s that, but I’ve recently moved back to the next state over) We really went all out with our wedding and I was super happy with it, but it really hurt my feelings that no one else—including my sister—attended (and really, none of them even bothered sending their regrets via RSVP and the wedding was the next state over from my family while it was across the country from my husband’s). So that’s very much a sore spot and definitely influencing these feelings. Anyway. Mom tells me that my aunt (Aunt)—her sister—is wanting to help with the baby shower as well. So at this juncture, there are at least four hostesses for this baby shower, Mom, Sister, Aunt, and Me. Which seems like plenty. Plus, Aunt considers herself a great cook, so if she’s there, why would they need me? But I also know that I’m hurt because Aunt wants to be a part of this event but clearly didn’t want to be a part of my event (which Sister also opted out of). So… I know I’m being a bit petty, but would I be a total a-hole if I said “You guys seem to have it covered” and opt out of being a part of this “family” event since the majority of the people involved opted out of my “family” event. Of note: since moving away, I have visited my “home state” at least once a year and none of the family made time to see me during my visit and none of them ever opted to come out to visit me.
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> I might be the a-hole because I’m being petty because the family members involved didn’t attend my wedding.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yes, just opt out. No guilt needed. They already have plenty of hostesses.
NTA you show people how to treat you. You’re not responsible
NTA. They have let you know how much you mean to them. They only care what you can do for them, which is now… Nothing.
NTA. I’ll be honest, I suspect you won’t get any push back from the Aunt and Niece here unless they were looking to take advantage of your cooking, so walk away from them without worry. I do wonder about your mom though. I suspect that she asked you because SHE needed the support, not because your Aunt or Niece thought of you in anyway more than as an extra set of hands.
Decline politely, but maybe stay in touch with your mom to make sure it isn’t all falling on her. I’m a little amazed that your mom was hostess of the event to begin with, if Niece and her own mother (Aunt) are also involved, but that may be reasoned away. “You seem to have it under control” and “I don’t know that I can help that much from a state away” are good excuses, and gives you the tiny thrill of making them consider how close your wedding was with that little dig. I don’t know that they will, but you can dream.
NTA, sounds like you have valid reasons for feeling hurt. The big question is do you want a closer relationship with your extended family? If not then don’t make an effort to help them. If you do though this might be a good opportunity to start rebuilding that bridge.
NTA. Why be a doormat?
You’re a New Wife and much much too busy to cook for other people, especially relatives who can’t bother to RSVP. Wife, not daughter. So you’re out of your mother’s power to volunteer you. Do I believe this? Nahhhhh. But if it works, it’ll be wicked fun.
I’m jumping to assumptions, but they are making a bigger fuss over an unwed 20 year old having a baby than you getting married? Was it your first marriage? I would respectfully decline unless it’s something you really want to do.
NTA
you could also just leave it at “I’m not going to be able to get away”
NTA.
Bear in mind that I’m also petty, but fuck that shit. They couldn’t be bothered to attend your wedding, you have no obligations to be their personal chef. They have plenty of help already.
NTA. You have no responsibility to help with a shower for someone who ignored your wedding. You actually wouldn’t be responsible even if they did come. Being volunteered by someone else gives you the right to say no. Only you should get to decide whether to help or not, not your mom.
too many cooks can spoil the broth.
OP is NTA. as OP as pointed out there are a lot of hostesses. I would create obligations that prevent you from helping with the babyshower, but plan on attending if you get an invitation.
NTA.
Here’s a different take on it from what others have suggested – maybe since you moved closer to your family you can have a reset. Help out at the shower, be present with your family for half a year or a year and then when you’re feeling close ask them why they didn’t come and tell them it hurt. Or do it sooner? If you weren’t close to them they may not have even realized that you cared if they were at your wedding. Maybe they’re dicks. Maybe all of you are dicks. Maybe you could play nice and communicate your feelings clearly so you don’t have to live with animosity?
NTA
Just curious if help out also means pay for all the food you’d be preparing?
If so, they don’t really want you or your cooking skills. They want your money to cover the food costs.
NTA, there are already 3 hosts so its not too much on your mom to handle a third of the cooking/planning without you. Its very fair to match the effort of your sis and niece.
Its not spite/pettiness. You don’t live in the same city as the event so its impractical to host. Just come in for the party – don’t get there early. Stay after to help clean up (especially if you are staying with mom), which is a nice gesture, but not above and beyond.
“Mom unfortunately I can not give the baby shower the attention it deserves at this time. I’m sure you, name and aunt have it under control. If I can make it I’ll let you know closer to the event – I would be attending as a guest only. “
Be gracious and clear. You can convey your point without being mean or vindictive.