I can’t hold conversations that don’t interest me for longer than ten minutes and it’s usually the other person going off about something and me listening. I love listening. But when it comes to doing my part of the talking I shut down. This makes me extremely anxious around people. Even my own family. What’s wrong with me? Am I just dumb?
I have no original feelings, no thoughts of my own. I get curious sometimes but it feels very narcissistic. I’m obsessed with what’s wrong with me and how others perceive me.
feeling like an npc
r/Advice
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Conversations are like puzzle pieces. You connect the pieces of the conversation and keep going.
Have you ever played the Wikipedia game? It’s basically like that.
If you don’t know what that is, search it up :]
Nope, you’re fine.
It’s just a matter of exploring why you don’t talk.
Is it because you’re scared of something or you don’t know how to lead a conversation.
Try this. This will help you see clearly what is going.
Read this perspective, then answer the questions below. Then play around with the perspective, apply it for a week or so and then see if your answers didn’t change.
So this is how it works (I’d suggest that you watch Sean Weeb – Mind hacking happiness on YouTube he explains this in detail):
So there’s this roommate, “Brian the brain,” he lives with you in your brain. It’s Brians job to keep you safe.
Brian decided that everything that is connected with you (your ideas, beliefs, emotions, family, friends, sports team, ideas about family – everything that makes you you) must stay the same or get better; if not, emotional response to fix it.
Remember, you are not Brian, Brian is your roommate.
You can look at Brain, he speaks to you in the form of your thoughts, emotions and feelings – yes the thoughts, feelings, emotions in your head are not yours, they belong to Brian.
Anything you can look at, see, or hear belongs to Brian. Even when you think that you are thinking, when it feels like you are thinking that is Brian thinking and making it look like you are thinking.
You are the one watching, listening to, experiencing, and aware of Brian in all of his forms.
Brian is comparing his expectation and/or preference of a situation with perceptions (how you see the situation) of the same situation coming into your awareness (what has your attention, thoughts…) and if the preference/expectation is not the same as the perception, emotional reaction.
Remember, you are not Brian, so you can, with practice, change either Brians perception or the expectation and/or preference, which results in a different emotion or no emotion at all.
Remember, Brian sets the expectation and/or preference and the perception
Now, knowing that, answer these questions: you can skip a few questions this are tailored for another purpose, they still are fun to think about.
What positive experiences do I want to have experienced in the next 10 years? What is stopping me from getting started? What do I know is going to happen if I start pursuing positive experiences?
What am I trying to prevent from happening? Trying to not look like a loser to others or myself? Can I see the stories I am telling my self that are holding me back? Can I let the stories be ok and just watch them?
Why do I want to find love? For the positive experience? What bad thing is going to happen if I don’t find love? What do I 100% trust is true about me if I don’t find love? Am I trying to find love because I am supposed to do that? Am I trying to find love because everyone else is doing it?
Now, think about all of the negative things that would bother if you were in a relationship and ignore all of the positives. Why do they bother me?
What am I doing now just because I am supposed to be doing it? Why?
Why do I need to force myself into doing things that don’t bring positive experiences? What am I trying to prevent? How can I stop caring about the negative consequences?
Can I start thinking about something in a way that will generate a positive experience? Daydream about how good life can be. Tell my self a fantasy story where I slay dragons? How can I use my imagination to help me get more of what I want and less of what I don’t? How can I create more positive feelings just with my imagination?
Why do I like my family? Why? Because I am supposed to like them? Do I even have positive experiences while with my family?
How much were my preferences shot down by my parents while I was younger? How many times did I want something, but was punished for it?
How many times do I have to betray myself and not do what I want because I am trying to prevent somthing? Trying to not upset someone? What does it mean if I want to cut out family from knowing me?Am I a bad person for that?
What is more important, family or my experience of me? Why?
If I knew my values are going to change throughout my life, what would I do differently? What do I know is going to happen if I start doing that now?
The only constant in life is change. Knowing that I am going be a completely different person in 10 years what can I not worry about.
So look at all your values and ask: Am I doing this for positive experiences or because I am supposed to or because I am trying to prevent something bad from happening.
Here’s an idea: Everything that happens is neutral you are the one who gives everything meaning. Knowing that look at your past and see how you assign meaning to things and see how a memory can change if you assign different meanings.
Now look at the future, see where you’re headed and look at how things could change if you assigned different meanings to your choices.
Here’s another idea: You cannot maintain anything you are either improving or slowly regressing.
Now look at your life this way. Every relationship, hobby, school, everything.
Knowing this, what do you want to keep?
This should help you to getting back on your feet.
I am the same way. Generally been the listener all my life. What I’ve learned is people like to talk about themselves and express their experiences in life. I know how it feels to have social anxiety and feeling like I’m missing a few screws. Here’s my suggestion, find things in life that bring you passion. Learn a new skill or topic. Build a life that you love.
There are actually many ways you can have a conversation rather it be about your hobbies, knowledge you can offer from life experiences, history, art, gaming, writing, cars, actually ANYTHING you can talk about. There’s no right thing to say but if you wanna have a conversation about something you’re interested in. Ask the person about the subject and see if they have anything to say about. If not, then there’s your go to talk about what you like about it or how it’s affected you. Try not to overthink or be too emotionally invested. Rather build up to those emotions with your words. The more you practice the better you’ll get. Remember you have to be willing & open about sharing a part of yourself. Even if you think it’s no important to another that doesn’t matter. As you share you’ll find various topics to talk about with different people but first, you have to speak. Speak your mind into existence!
I deal with this, but I have autism. And i’m speculating i have adhd. When im talking to people i pressure myself to come up with responses to what they say, i rattle my brain for responses and come back with nothin. ESPECIALLY at work with coworkers, they have no idea how i struggled to uphld normal, flowing conversations with them, but failed. They used to say im “Stand-offish”. I would also get nervous with EVERY customer interaction at the register, and even with my family members. There’s just no way of telling if an interaction will be a “success” or not. I used to wonder why my brain doesnt respond to most ppl and i would just say “wow!” or “Oh my” or “Oh my gosh!”, generic responses really. But now, i just say whatever comes to mind and i try not to judge myself too harshly for being this way, especially since i got diagnosed. But living in a comfortable state as a listener, isn’t inherantly wrong. Living on mostly intuition and having no dialog inside isn’t wrong either. Being introspective is also not wrong, do you know that most undiagnosed autistic adults ask “What’s wrong with me?” and self observe alot before they look for solutions and find the information they need to be diagnosed?? However, if you find that you don’t speak when your soul wants you to, then you will have to work on your conversational skills, and that’s okay. Start by talking in your mind, hear your own opinions and thoughts on everything, Get a healthy train of thought going within. And as for outward conversation, this is how I go about it: The first thing tht comes to mind is usually okay. Even if its just “Wow”. Get comfy saying what comes to you naturally, and if your response is awkward or imperfect at times, forgive yourself so you can keep moving & progressing. Get comfy with the imperfections as you grow your communicartion skills. You have thoughts and opinions, but your inner dialog is probably quieted or on autopilot, trust me i JUST came out of that phase. My narcissistic mom loved hearing herself talk and never valued when i did, so I just got used to living quietly inside and out, acting only on intuition and emotion. I used to feel like a blank sheet of paper, or a robot because i was emotionally numb from depression at the time, but i also felt that my personality wasn’t grounded because I felt shifty and prone to change with my mindset. But now, i understand that not feeling grounded or stuck in any mold can also be a good thing. I can fly in any direction i feel is healthiest for me, I’m not stuck, i love change! I JUST recently started speaking in my mind again, and its been great, it turns out, i enjoy my own company alot because i love thingking about the things i resonate with and I find myself to be positive and funny. It’s been nice! You’ve got this!
I feel like this sometimes as well and is typically dependant on where my mental health is at the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m just playing the role of being a human chatting with another.
I have adhd and realised over time that I vibe better in conversation with other neurodivergent people because you aren’t restricted in the sort of ‘rules’ of linear conversations. I like to jump around to different places and come back to things.
Some of the posts have some great suggestions on things to practice and try out… conversing really is a skill to refine and once you’ve found some good tactics you like and that work for you it won’t feel so forced.
Try to be nice to yourself! You aren’t dumb 🙂 it just sounds like you haven’t found a way of talking with people that works for you yet.